Random, how to end 2014

Today I realized I am starting fall in love with this City. Dubai, this city welcomed me in my worst state and now I consider myself rising. Like Burj Khalifa! :D

Dubai, has emerged from a deserted place into a global city and a business hub of the persian gulf region. When I was a kid, I thought DUBAI was a country. Well it is a part of UAE and it is not the capital. When I went here my objective was plain simple. That was to move on and be better. I have experience a lot here during my first year of stay. And finally, I think I am in the track for be better.

If only I could take back 4 years ago. I wish I could've chosen a career here, and started from step one. If I did, I wouldn't be insecure for starting all over here for a career. Now that I feel like I am not getting any younger, I aim for better career in few years time. I also see myself grow in this City and I am starting to plan for a life with this city for me and my partner. And I am totally pressuring myself to get her up here and start a new with me. I have been thinking of what to dos and plans. I hope I could set such milestones. I gotta be better. Help me GOD.

Oh and it has been a while Berts. Sorry I haven't updated you. I think my vocabulary is getting zero now. Doncha worry. I am always writing a story in my head.

tick tock 

Something to look forward to

2014 is almost over and I want to make the best of the last days of the year. My goal for 2014 was 99% ticked. But I am happy with all of the things happened and will bound to happen. That one percent is still at the back of my mind and nobody knows it but me. Cause I am my own enemy. And even though I closed my night with a sad feeling. I still chose to be happy by doing this blog entry.

I would like to improve myself more on my financial stability. I wasted a lot of money during 2012, it was clearly my downfall and I'd like to think it was meant for me to happen so that I could improve and learn about money. But the thing here is I hate money. It ruins everything. But anyways, I want to save as much as I can to be able to do what I want. 

Second, I would like to lose weight. This isn't for the people around. This is for myself, to live longer and to be able to perform goal number 1. Plus health is wealth!

Third, I should be investing on insurance or a condo. I should be able to have my own property. This is a pressure for me. I should own one!

Fourth, I should be able to get my UAE drivers license. I have saved enough for driving schools. I used to think that I shouldn't get one but I think If I need to upgrade on my status here, I need to get one. So maybe after a year or two I could go back on the sales or marketing field and aim for EMIRATES :) Claiming it.

Fifth, make more cakes and earn more. I should be able to make a feasibility study about our cakes and at the same time update the current prices from time to time. I would like to own a shop here. Please lord, guide me in this journey as a business person. I can make this work for the ntn time. One step at a time.

Sixth, be happy and contented in life. It is okay to reward yourself sometimes. It is okay sometimes to reap what you sow.

Seventh, MYMP. Learn Arabic and be fluent in it. I should start looking for Arabic classes. This would help me in my work.

Eight, I honestly couldn't think of anything more. I just want to be happy and have a sense of direction when I wake up in the morning. I will have this entry to be continued. :)

My Concealer

Pouch bag, small, a pair was given to me. "Wear this when my parents are around". She said in her most serious state. I made fun of it and said why do I have to wear it in front of them? Why? She said you look like a girl when you wear them.

"So when can you start?" he asked me. I was wearing pearls with no make up. I felt happy cause I got the job. I felt sad because I have to cover up everytime I get an interview. The corporate world seems to conceal my identity, as always. HIRED. Day one. As I enter the elevator I immediately wear my pearls, this is showtime. I tend to look and act like a lady for 8 straight hours. After 8 straight hours. I remove them as I walk to the trains.

 -----


My Concealer

Conceal me day to day
It is better this way
I don't let them see the real me 
I honestly don't want them on me

But I have to, why do I have to
Do I really have to?
Cause I can't let them know
I can't let you know
The real me behind these pearls

Call it acting
Award me as the best actress
I don't intent to fool around
Maybe I am just scared
That you will look at me in disgust
That they will look at me in disgust

In this land where like me is a taboo
Don't even guess who am I
Just look at the pearls
aren't they beautiful?



 

LDR Update

I am in a long distance relationship.  Like, Dubai to Manila long distance. "May gf ka na?" so I answered yes. Asan na siya? 

The situation is very easy, we talk a lot in skype. We exchange text messages. We talk a lot. But as we all know not everyone is on the same boat, there will always be a con from the "unwanted conversation". I feel a sudden discomfort when I encounter such people who either doesn't believe me of being loyal or the idea of long distance at all. Many people tried to destroy this kind of relationship - been there done that! never worked. good luck! Tol ang hirap niyan.

I know. I experience deep sadness sometimes, thinking of what ifs.I know these guys only care about the physical stimulation. But sometimes I wish they could just shut their mouths and be happy for me. I deserve to be happy. So this explains why I became distant to some of my friends. I just don't want to get hurt analyzing the truth. The truth about this kind of relationship.

I'll just stabilize. Relax and dgaf.

DGAF.

Unicorn Drink

If I could also save time in a bottle

I wish she was here
I'd save every drop
Just to be with her

But all I have is this
bottle of emptiness and despair
helping me Imagine the horizon with her
calm my veins as I swallow this sweet taste
make me eat my pride and cry for being silent

I swear I will make her happy
I hear myself scream
So this drink leads me to her?
then this is such a happy bliss - a happy unicorn drink
frolicking on the floor
tears started falling, I am so sorry.

I need me. You need me.
I need you. You need me.
Me me me me me me.

Power of the MIND

Three hours ago, my head was throbbing. That feeling when your body is weak and I just gotta lay in bed to resurrect such bouncy energy. Bouncy unicorn feeling. I just happen to know that I'll be sick and I should be married with my bed for a little bit longer.

I can't be sick. 

I hate being sick, because nobody but me can help me. Fact that I am such a baby when sick, I just can't be a baby for myself.  Drank water, panadol and vit c. Made myself a bowl of corn soup and ordered tinola for dinner at Food Park(finally they are now having Filipino foods). Anyhow, I think I'm good. I should not get sick. But usually I get sick when climate changes - It's almost winter btw.

I can't be sick.

Drinks water. And blogs about it. Berts di ka pwede mag inarte.

I can't be sick.

#doublefacepalm #dontbesad #happymodeonli #woosah #mejonagiinarte

What F.

You are at your mid twenties, on the verge of being financially stable. Thinking of doing something else, or say you want to be better. What if one day you decide to let go of all the things that give you comfort? What if one day you just don't care about anything but yourself? Have you ever felt that way? Like you just want every movement to stop so you can come in, blend in. In this fast ever changing world. What do you do if you got used to into something?

Thoughts, raised as I entered the bus in panic. I used to think I was this person. My body is in revolt. What is wroooong! Have you ever thought that your body, wait I dont feel like I have a body. I have a collection of pains and different kinds of aches. I need to transplant into another person. Another person but me, preferably those tomboys who doesn't have.. haha. you know what I'll say if you are a "friend".

So tell me. Am I in the stage of the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak? I feel like there's somethings missing.Oh I got my health card from ze office. What F-RIVELEDGE. LOL

The Bitch INC

I hate two girls in my office. Both Arab girls, if you could see us in a birds eye view. I never greet them cause their presence is no longer pleasant for me. I refuse eye contact with them and do small conversations. I am starting to despise them especially the fat one.

OK. The Fat one, I'll call her "Fatty" - She comes in late, she has her own schedule and has a weird english accent. She is very stubborn you can see it in her face. No wrinkles, not a pimple, and she's so fair her skin is such a virgin for blemishes to land on. Why I hate her? She is annoying, when she sees me she gives me tasks which are mostly given to her. She calls me in a weird annoying voice "Jhuuuuliiii". I answer back with a frown and say "What" then all smiles for her to be irritated as well. This afternoon she did the same thing.  She wanted me to do something for her. What I did, I smiled and said. "No". End of story. Bitch! I am not your maid. Today is the end of your happy evenings. No more favors from you Fatty. 

The second one is the the old lady, I'll call her "Witchy" cause she looks like a witch, she is a wanna be receptionist and this lady has too strong facial cheekbones. You would know that she's a tough woman and her husband is scared of her. I thought she was Lebanese cause she is such a fashion victim. She has nothing to do with me actually, but she is just annoying and she talks too loud. I want to tell her to stfu lady I am working here. Shuhada with a big mouth.

I can't do anything but endure seeing them. All I want is to not see them and don't mind them at all. All in all, in the business world, you can't choose your team. It is what it is and you have to deal with it. I am dealing with it and I hope I wont lose my cool for both idiots. I ask for the lord's patience and guidance. Sabi nga ni Eric "Wag ka kasi magpapadala". In my opinion "Learn to let it GOAT"

Sorry lord for the harsh words. I just wanted to vent out this power tripping feeling that I have in the office. FYI I also hate my supervisor - he's one idiot too

 *minsan ok lang maging salbahe TM

Pride and Pre-JULY(Prejudice)

Sometimes the last person on earth you want to be with is the one person you can't live without. 

I AM LIKE. Paki-tagalog. 

:)) 

Electrician

Yesterday's email experience at work was tough, it was very tedious. And my eyes hurt - everything was exhausting. My work makes me hibernate and sleep around 10-1030 Pm cause my timings at work is 7-3pm. Sometimes I get the evening shift and the timings would be 2-10pm. I am starting to appreciate the Evening shift, because there's less work. But on the other hand gf on the other side of the world is already hibernating. Shuhada.

 

Anyway, I would like to express my disappointment with the electrician at my work. To be honest, yesterday I was power tripped. I don't actually want to blog about it, but seriously. I don't get it. I think it is better this way - it is the first time I have been slightly(humbled) bullied. I feel like I am a threat to his position(naks). Really but sending me tasks which he knew that I was already dealing with was really out of the line. Manipulating and directing me duties that are not in my schedule was a bit off as well. PLUS asking me to ask permission to him if I wanna go on lunch break. I am like. WHUT! 

 

I don't want to think of it as he is punishing me but yeah right I'll just do my job. I know he is pressured too, but I don't care. There's nothing to worry about me. :)) 

 

So Arbab... Let's play, who doesn't like to play the devil and heat up a bit. #badassnaunicorn

Come Closer

Maybe were not really meant to be.
Could be a question or a sentence. 
We both know that you and I could be together.
We might be together
Might end up together.

Darlin'
Do not keep me in vain
you should kiss me in front of them
I will find it sweeter than words
Hold me while they're looking

Fool me
act like you care
But I beg you
Do not love me in the dark
It hurts, It hurts a lot
but I will choose you

I tried to get over it
On my own
Knowing
believing that this
wont take long

Patience, patience

Now I got used to it
Don't play with my feelings
Maybe love isn't enough
I couldn't control it

I yearned for you so much
Didn't want anything else
Except your gentle touch

I kept my mouth shut
Trying to deny it to myself
Pretending I didn't have
those feelings

Lying to myself
This love is starting to hurt
Pretending it's not real
Trying to put it in the past
Refusing to reveal

Conceal me from loneline
Sturate my soul
Please relieve my sadness
Cause I feel distress

I love you.
I really need you..

Sometimes you gotta be your own hero.

Hug me. Tell me you love me. Simple words of security would have been better. I don't need anything fancy, I just need security. Sometimes I just need you here. But I can't. We can't.

It saddens me that I came into this point, again that I have to understand that I have to be my own hero.

Nobody will save you JULY this city ain't for the weak. Move it. Head pounding, heart frowning, eyes hurting.

What was that thud?

Somebody fool me?

Love me?

DEAR BOSS. I QUIT.

"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.” Robert Fulghum


I remember talking with Boss about my resignation way back 2012. He said so many things to at least make me stay but I was eager to start on my own and try pursuing business. That was true, but I honestly failed big time.

Now that I am here in UAE and finally back in the corporate jungle. I have been thinking about - Why some bosses cannot retain their employees? Is it really their fault? I have been contemplating about this cause I want to save up and put up a business again soon after being a corporate slave for approximately 3 years. And I have heard that my favorite boss quits his job in my favorite company. (Toink)

WHY!? WHERE YOU GO? LOL

1. Lack of motivation
Many employers are too much on money making and forgets to build employee dedication and appreciation. Appreciation, be it monetary or verbal. But as a Marketing person who makes the life and blood of the company, incentives from quotas is indeed a motivation. Oh yeah! But really I think some employees feel unappreciated. A pat on the back would do or congratulate that person.

2. TOXIC environment
I think anyone will not settle for any high paying job if the environment is toxic. When I say toxic, there's no system at all! No procedures, No org structure, No protocols = Just do it. Whuut.

3. Communication
Provide constructive feedback to your employees. Talk talk, but do not talk about your personal lives. Feed back isn't about surprising someone with negative comments. Talk and settle one problem to another. Be positive.

4. Bad Managers
Ok the word BAD is too much. But one of my colleagues once said that "You are not leaving because of the job, you're leaving because of your manager". I couldn't get along my first job manager, I didn't like her at all cause I didn't learn anything from her. Everything I know about the job was self taught. She was just sitting in her room and keeps bringing down the morale of the team. Most managers, I think to me are promoted into their role without getting the support they need to develop their leadership skills. BAM! :))

5. No Training Programs
Many organizations hold back on training and development programmes maybe as they fear that their people might leave after they're heavily invested in them. Truth. This might happen. But I guess, one of the main reason that people quit is that they no longer learn anything new.

So, there are so many obvious benefits of retaining employees. But sometimes we have to just "Let it Go" and build a snowman. Jeez. Haha! I hope I made sense.

Write.

I feel really sad. Can't think of anything meaningful to write.

AkosiBERTS

And my book is not yet finished due to my new career (naks). Update, well I am still writing the ending of the story at my mind. I am actually giving myself a deadline that I must finish the book at the end of the year, so that when 2015 comes I'll be able to proofread it and write a pre-sequel. The book will cover OFWs, LGBTs, love and friendship. 

I am now a Maintenance Coordinator at a Power and Maintenance Solutions company. The only thing I don't like about the job is that I "might" report on duty on mid shift and night shift. So this Idiot who hired me has no consideration at all for the mode of transportation that I have. Anway, I don't care about him I just can't afford quitting now. I am not staying in this land forever anyway, might as well strive for the job and think of the future that awaits for me (Money on my mind - I do it for ze love - Sam Smith).

What I am doing today is quite far from what I have been doing in the past. I know I have been making patterns about the past. But lately, past is just ughh BS. And it's suppose to teach you to live in the future. What I have learned so far is not to let the past consume the life you're supposed to be living. I am letting life unfold according to His will, I know he will give me something in His perfect time. I am not writing this because I am giving up on writing or I have given up on dreaming. I am just stronger than before. I thank God for the answered prayers. I am not giving up on this dream.

-----

July Veranga - not her full name was born the 7th of July. Her Jersey number as a basketball player was 4 because people say when she enters the court it feels like the 4th of July. An ultimate Mommy's girl/boy. Upon growing up she just wanted to be a happy hair stylist and thought of becoming a writer but she never joined any writing contest and ends up studying marketing. After graduating she became interested in sales. Got her heart broken and went to Dubai for a new perspective. And when she failed at almost everything she finally decides to follow her heart by doing acting lessons, studying pastry arts and finally decides to become a writer.

I want this at the back of my first book.

#motivationmotivationmotivation

Dreams About Teeth Falling

I have been dreaming about my teeth falling these past few days and Google is such a great portal to be informed about my dream interpretation. I have dreamt of my teeth falling and rotting constantly.

 

So basically when I was reading one article from one website after another, I generally realized that I am again over thinking about everything. It is normal cause I am not getting any younger and I still feel like my mental age is still 18. I am not really like this - I could point out that maybe it is because I grew up facing hard situations and diverting it into a slow paced okay results. But I am just a walking ambassador of positive vibes. I always have smart and easy way to get out of a hard situation or any situation. Well for some it sounded stubborn-ish, but really I am just saying that I have smarter ways than any other genius could do. Like to me, there will always be a smarter solution into a difficult problem. You lose, you win.

I wanna be lost.

But maybe this dream is just a phase in my life that saying "Live and face your fears".  Dreaming about this could also mean that something is happening in my present life that needs to be focused on. Thus I am very sensitive in my own development; am I growing? experiences? challenges? am I even pushing beyond my usual limits and discover new things or ways?

 

I am the captain of my life. Upon weighing the dream meanings in both positive and negative sides. I have been asking myself. What do I feel? 

I feel anxious. I wanna go home. I feel sad. I feel home sick. I am bored. I feel old. I need more money. I got hired. WEE (undertones). I miss my gf. I miss mom. I miss ati. I miss Pixie. I miss my old dad. I miss my friends. I miss ze Philippines. I hate the Philippines. Haha. I am hungry. I feel sad. I want crispy pata. Gusto ko tumaya sa lotto. Mananalo ako sa LOTTO!

There goes my interpretation. :)) 

One step "atat" time kasi Jul. LOL

SOA

Rewind last February, a friend told me to watch this movie. She actually went wild sharing her thoughts about the movie. She was also sharing about her true love, how hard it was to move on and that guy will always have a place in her heart. Anyway the movie wasn't so tacky at all. The actors and actresses were great.

Except for the looks, ha. I felt I was like Piolo on the crushed/loser part of the story. There will always be this one ex you loved so much that letting it go would be like letting go of your life as well.

"I almost died, and everyday I wished I did" Ok that line hurt me.

On the other hand, Toni was ambitious. I am not really ambitious. Toni left Piolo. It took four years for Piolo (Marco) to get restoration and success. It was a great movie to ponder on. The movie was a feast of honesty for my dying motivation. It has been a year and a half, I am still a trash in my own wrath. I felt the urge of feeling guilty having to watch the movie with my gf. It was somehow patterned with me. Except for the ala Toni coming back for Piolo, na uh, I don't she's ever coming back(Me and my Ex).

History vs Today. Do not worry about the people in your past, there is a reason why they didn't make it in your future. But just like any other human beings, you just can't help flipping the old pages of past.

Quotable line "My love is greater than your fears".

Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray hard that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.. =)

Remember, we do not lose by loving, we only lose by not learning from our mistakes.

It's Okay to be selfish

Never forget who was there with you when no one else was.

If you are saying YES to others make sure you are not saying NO to yourself(Paulo Coelho).

-----

I forgot who was I talking to but he/she said that when you are lacking or you want something, you should give to others. That way the favor would be returned to you. The science or logic of this would be like you are sending a message to the universe to be able to receive future abundance. If you are spiritual, you'd rather explain this issue in the most biblical manner like saying that God hears everything and he will surely give you something in return soon. Just pray.

Sure it feels good to help. I love to help and sometimes it make me feel plentiful and grateful for the things I have.

So, I am a nice person (been working on being less nice). People ask me for things a lot. Regardless on how the request is or how busy I am. Just a mere fact that it has been asked of me, I feel obligated and obliged to drop anything and help. This sickness, this comes a high price of my own depletion and self neglect. Sometimes I feel like I could've been a doctor or a nurse cause I care a lot and I tend to forget about myself.

I am never afraid to help. In fact I'd love to help as long as I can. Except on monetary issues. I will help you in anything but I won't and I can't lend money(My golden rule). I guess I learned a lot from my father who loves to "help" and lend money. Because he always ends up scratching his scalp for not getting anything in return. Okay, he's out of the story, the thing here is. I just don't like lending money. Money to me is such an evil thing. It ruins everyone in any aspect.

I can help others by giving donations, advises, opinions and time. I make sure I wont step in anyone's foot. I try to joke around, make things comical cause I believe in happiness is the best medicine. When I help people I make sure they wont abuse that kindness I give. That's why I limit my friends. I limit expectations, attachments and care.

All in all, I just happen to find out that I am going through a phase where my foundation is a bit unstable, and I have to be selfish and get myself stabilized before I can assist others. I am trying to think clearly how my do-not-help-anyone policy fit into this "it's okay to be selfish". Oh yes, I am not gonna move. I'm going to be selfish, and say no if I need to.

Do I make any sense? I don't care. Jeez. 

............................

Terrible things happen to good people every day.

Consequentially I am not one of the good people.

I am one of the terrible things.

-Marianna Page 

-----
 
Hello Unicorn, Why the alligator face?

Please do not be hard on yourself. I see you're frustrated again. You can cry it all to me? I know that there's this consistent battle between your heart and head. All the time. I know you are losing faith again. Do me a favor, don't hate yourself cause I love that person you hate so much.

Don't ever give up on yourself, I would never give up on you or us. Never ever give up trying to start and to live out your faith because of being anxious about the future. I am afraid too and I am not leaving. I will try to make all your wrongs right and to heal your hurts. Let me help you against the battles in your head. Do not waste time tearing yourself. Enough of that. I love you no matter what you said and done.........................................

Gutom lang ito.

Day one - soft diet, Oatmeal, Apples, Juice, Water. (For 7 days straight)

I have been planning to lose weight cause I don't feel good bout myself.

I have been stuck at home and it's scorching hot in here. I try to not be idle cause it only makes me think about my miseries/hang ups. So this morning I am amazed how I turned out to be an incredibly jealous girl friend in my current relationship. I have never been this jealous type before. I just feel a pang of jealousy eating my own flesh. I know I completely, trust my girl friend. Maybe it's just our situation(LDR) or maybe my jealousy is a projection of how I got damaged by my previous ex.

But this is not about jealousy, the thing here is I have this self-esteem issue that makes me sad. I think I wouldn't be able to entertain jealousy if I am not happy with myself . I know my self esteem seems to have plummeted over the past few years. Its has been almost two years of downgrading myself. I just don't want this overly-impulsive-jealousy hurt anymore.

I am continuously reconstructing my mind set about our LDR, I should cope much better. Maybe it's just stress and I should love myself better. Ok. I am on a diet kasi. Haha. Gutom lang ito. Alam ko. Relax. God loves you Jul. Be patient with yourself.

-----

Dear God,


I may not have what I want right now, but I know you are still providing my needs. I am completely grateful and I know you have something better for me. Help me not lose myself as I am on a diet. Thank you for everything.

Jul

Eleanor and Park

Just finished this book a friend recommended last week. It took me 2 days to finish it but it could've been a day cause I had to help my mom with the groceries. It was a story of a half Korean/American boy named Park Sheridan who fell in love with Eleanor Douglas. The book was written in a unique and chronological way by dividing the chapters into two parts - Eleanor's and Park's. The story deals with issues such as child abuse, domestic abuse, racism, bullying and love (First love/Secret love).

Comic books, mixed tapes and the school bus - the main characters fell in love over these. The three of the fore mentioned words could be a great title for MMK (haha). While I was reading the book, love has indeed no boundaries - No age, No size, No Gender and No Color. All love. It should be all love.

The setting was during the 80s, I wasn't really into comics. I couldn't even relate to the music artists mentioned but I sure did experienced mixed tapes, walkmans and batteries. School bus, I did had a crush during my school bus days. But I wasn't embracing my true self back then(If you know what I mean, mine's should probably count into the love - secret love category b section 2. Whuuut. Ako lang nakakaintindi).

Eleanor was abused and deals with a terrible life style daily. But she's a smart ass. On the other hand she met Park, her sunshine. Park has a very supportive family and he's very close to her mom. I think momma's boys are great with girls(relationships). I am starting to believe I am a momma's boy/girl. LOL. I also felt the feeling of how hard it was not to have a telephone at home. Eleanor doesn't have a home phone. Cellphones was still in the process of technology. And the highest form of technology there was a telephone.

The two has a lot of differences from built to personality. But they love each other very much.

I am not really satisfied with such short or lacking endings. I'd rather read a bad ending than go figure whats next. If you're an optimistic person you'd probably say they end up together and have 4 kids. If you're pessimistic, you'd say that they wont last long cause they don't have skype yet, collect calls were expensive, things might have change because of their distance and they just might have this tragic-puppy-first-love thing.

I give 8stars over 10 for this book. Simple, Narrative, nailed my inner child.

Good job, Rainbow writer. If that was your real name or nom de plum. Youre cool Mr. Rainbow. 


 

Forever Stalker ka!

A friend messaged me at facebook and told me that my blog contains a huge amount of emotions for one category and that is Love. Of course I defended myself that this blog is for my emotional babbles only. That this blog is not intended for others business. Its more on, AKOLOGY. Ako this, ako that, ako with them. So on so fort and the list may go on. A blog, my blog. My rules sistah! But for a change. Okay! As much as possible, I am going to write about food and business. But I wont write about showbiz and politics. I might get death threats for those unicorns. Depends on my mood. Lala.. :P

Thanks for being a frequent reader. Thanks for the request. Challenge accepted. Now where's my birthday gift? Shuhada?

Drowning in a pool of emotions.

Gwen Stacy: I think that maybe it's time to let this go. And thats not because I don't love you, but its actually because I do. So um...okay, bye.

 -----
 
I am not really a masochist. But acceptance is the first step in hurting. I wish I am not hurting. I wish I didn't care.

Have you ever cried because you are you?

Sometimes, you just have to cry it all out.

They say you ain't growing up if you ain't losing friends.

Dear Buddy,

She is just a girl. Very ambivalent and you thought she's fierce but she ends up weak. She lit a fire and made you believe into something magical. I feel your pain even though I am away from you. My buddy it's okay to mourn, let me remind you that never let anymore treat you like an option. Amend your mistakes and let God restore your frowning heart. Forgive her and yourself too, cause you knew it was somehow not possible. I know somewhere out there there's another UNICORN made for you. I completely understand. Let people react to what needs to be. You still man the wheel of your life and don't let it be taken away. Just my thoughts. Its not worth it for them to drag you down. Stay well and I'll always have your back. If you need someone to listen, call me. Keep yourself busy and sabi ko nga let it GOAT.

Mwah mwaaah mwa TSUP TSUP TSUP! Torrids. 

Eat ka chicken sa andoks. I miss andoks. HUUUUU...

Labyu. 

Galing sa PUSO hindi sa NGUSO

Working overseas for a Filipino is a stepping stone to fulfill the dreams of being able to help their families have a better future. Majority of our kababayans dream is to be able to help their families but for some it turned into a real nightmare. Not all heroes don't always succeed.

My father spent most of his life as an overseas Filipino worker. During his time, well I think until now, the effective living option of survival from the wrath of the Philippines is to work overseas. And I thank GOD that my dad wasn't a victim of illegal procedures of POEA.

Anyway, think of this? What if our country never experienced corruption? Maybe there's no ecomonic deflation? Maybe there's enough jobs for every Filipinos. Maybe there will be no kids who grows up daddy less or mommy less or worst no parents at all. Our political stability is such a failure that some of the Filipinos doesn't feel proud to be a Filipino. Well, at least we can see a few changes from the current administration.

So yesterday, Mommy and I decided to participate into a charity dinner for the stranded Filipinos at POLO-OWWA(Philippine Overseas Labor Office-Overseas Workers Welfare Administration. It was a life changing experience, because it was very interactive and the event focused on the spiritual side. We should all face challenges thru the help of Christ. All of my fears and insecurities, suddenly, gone. My heart wasn't frowning anymore to the thought of with God nothing is impossible (Matthew 19:26).

We brought a cake(Cheesecake) for the homeless and hungry Filipinos. I was teary eyed when I sat listening to Sister Ann a volunteer who was preaching about the teachings of God. How much God loves us. There was this awful pricky feeling inside my stomach. My knees were numb. Seeing the victims gave me so much things to be grateful of. Despite of my own failures, I know I am still blessed and God loves me.

Honestly we(Mom) are not really showy religious but we are afraid and we love god. When I was there I feel loved. I feel happy being able to give happiness. I want to do this more often. We also met Pastor Ray who prayed for the ending program, he was very nice. His prayer was long and very spontaneous. I wonder if I could actually pray like him, publicly. On the other hand Mommy was invited about the event thru Ms. Fleur De Lis Maravilla. Such beautiful soul and heart madam. God bless her family and his super active and talented son.

When you volunteer, you usually get back more than you give. You make new friends, you see someone blossom, you teach and rebuild peoples lives, there's a million ways to help.

By volunteering. I realized we could develop new skills. Giving time to others and sharing our talent in baking is an opportunity in exposure. Not that were focusing on the business side but it will give us a mark up that Betty's cakes gives back by doing something to the Filipino community as well. I am thinking of cutting a certain percentage to our cakes and give back to the community? Sounds great? AMEN!

Life is really hard when you are feeling down. Problems can seem to be never ending but by volunteering you feel a new perspective - seeing people who are worse off than you are. You wouldn't believe the feeling of being able to give happiness. Yet you're still hanging. Standing.

So be a volunteer! but before you volunteer, think of this muna. Ang pag tulong galing sa puso. Hindi sa NGUSO.

God is good.

Swing.

Hello earphones. Please divert me into another zone.

This afternoon I heard some of my friends say things like how lovable I am. But they just don't see it, I am horrible. I am such a lonely person.

Sometimes I often think that I don't deserve to be loved. Have you ever felt that there is something wrong with yourself? maybe I am just jobless, don't make a certain amount of income anymore, bored with the same circle of friends, weirdly act like someone else in a another group. The list could go on and on on on. I am so gone and toast. I want toast.

I get stuck with my own stress. My inner voice, my inner self, my inner critic is driving me crazy. I wonder how would I feel if I try methamphetamine? What does it feel to feel high? Maybe it does help a broken person. I am so broken tonight. A not so surprising epiphany, a dream maybe which I refuse to understand. So much for my fantasies.

I don't know. Help. Lord?

Tomorrow is a new day. Hope Faith Love. Nail it. 
 

Libre mag-inarte sa BLOG KO!

If only. Running in my head. The truth sucks. The truth is like an inflicted syringe to me. I get really hurt on needle insertion, some people disregard the feeling and tells everyone na it's like kagat ng langgam lang yan! then there goes the fluid flowing in your veins, well to me the infliction is too fatal more of death feeling.

So ayun dito na lang ako mag iinarte sa blog ko. Since ito lang ang only way na I can do drama with out spending. FOR NOW.

Kasi the thing here is I wanna start acting lessons. But my priority list says it is too soon to push that dream. It is really early? checks google and see acting classes / workshops - Dubai.

REALITY CHECK
1. I can't afford it yet. Not on my budget list. Mayber next year. *sighs
2. Plus my asa stage pa kami ni gf ng adjustment sa LDR. I can't even focus when she doesn't reply.
3. I am so scared to be the only Filipino to go there. 

So ito ang plano. One step at a time. For now, at least I have information.

I AM INFORMED.

Shuhada *undertones


Drama Workshops Dubai 
facebook.com/DramaDubai

About

Adult acting workshops, improve classes, corporate training and a theatre company, the Desert Players.

Description

Drama Dubai caters for the many theatrical needs of your modern desert-based metropolis. Based at The Courtyard Playhouse, a purpose designed theatre space, and offers adult acting workshops, improv classes, corporate training and a theatre company, the Desert Players, producing shows in and around the emirate.

The Desert Monologues:

Our flagship adult acting course; for all abilities, where participants will perform to a live theatre audience.

The Desert Dialogues:

A more challenging follow-up course focusing on ensemble theatre and one-on-one direction.

Desert Drop-In:

An advanced drop-in class focusing on improvisation; only for advanced students, to practice and hone their craft!

Drama Community Dubai

The Desert Players:

The premiere community theatre group in the UAE producing quality theatre throughout the Emirates. The Desert Players comprises of local talent and holds regular open auditions.

The Desert Foxes:

The Foxes are our youth theatre group and are dedicated to producing quality performances and nurturing talented young actors and actresses.

The Desert Waves

A community Group with its own dedicated recording studio committed to writing and performing original, relevant content for radio: plays; comedy sketches and documentaries.

Drama Agency Dubai:

Actor database of UAE-based performers seeking work: the perfect resource for clients to find the ideal candidate for their requirements.

Corporate Drama Dubai

Offers versatile corporate training packages and role-plays specialists and has partnered with several prestigious management consultancies in the region to provide the most expert and original drama-based corporate training packages.

www.dramaworkshopsdubai.com

 

HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?

*eto yung madugong part eh*

Basic Package:

1800 Dirhams

Your place on the 16 hour acting course

Your certificate of completion

Audition Package:

2500 Dirhams

 Your place on the 16 hour acting course

 Your certificate of completion

A set of professional portfolio photography

 A video-recording of your monologue performance

An online actor’s profile 

 

Professional Package: 

3500 Dirhams

Your place on the 16 hour acting course

Your certificate of completion

A set of Three High Res professional portfolio photography with one 8×10 print

Set of professional action photography of you on stage performing and backstage with one 8×10 print

A professionally recorded audition piece / showreel

A video-recording of your monologue performance

An online actor’s profile

12 Hours of improv / acting classes running at the Courtyard Playhouse  

*Group bookings will receive a discount, as will those who have taken a course with us previously.

-

Cryola lala laaaa.. cryolaaaa.. laaa! 

Everything about LIFE Seminar - Mr. Francis Kong

I had a wonderful time listening to Mr. Francis Kong. When I first saw Tita Angie's invitation I didn't hesitate to take the opportunity to see him for free. Because one, I am quite lost in track right now, could use and listen to a motivator who can put me back on the corporate arena. Two, I just knew participating in his seminars would cost a lot in the Philippines.

Well, thanks to Filinvestors, they brought Mr. Kong to speak here in Dubai, UAE.

At first the Filinvest people were doing their Marketing Campaign, video presentations were shown as part of their strategy in order to sell properties in the Philippines for Filipino OFWs. Their mission is to empower, unite and engage Filipinos overseas by creating opportunities for them to build the Filipino dream, that is to go home to their own houses.

Finally when Mr. Kong was introduced, he wasn't actually endorsing Filinvest. He was more on sharing his ka-look-alikes, jokes, experiences, leadership, knowledge about filipino traits, family, money, money management, business, and his failures.

I honestly learned a lot of things from him since I am lost and despair for my career. I saw the relevance of how money can blind you and affect peoples lives, I saw how he values the importance of family. There were parental styles shared as well. It's quite funny that I had to listen to that when I was sitting beside my mother.

PLUS I really admire men who stick to their partners, I found him sweet when he introduced his wife and kids. He even said he finished high school in 6 years, with a PHD. Passing with High Difficulty.

All in all I had a great time with the community leaders in Dubai. You can see a lot of Filipinos packed inside the room, the seats were very limited, people were standing the whole evening yet the warmth, the love and the energy of the audience made the evening very magical.

God is good.

Shukran Katir Mr. Kong!

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas. Mabuhay ang Pinoy!

 

For those of you who wasn't able to see him last night, go to Abu Dhabi tonight til Friday! :) 

Side Dish

No. This is not happening. It may seem unstoppable, but there's a weird rush going on. I must not get any closer. Don't flatter yourself too much. A friend, nothing but a friend, she is just my comfort zone. Everybody knows that. What a rush I am feeling right now. Lord, is this your answer to my plea. But why her. Is it really her?

She uttered, "I am starting to fall for you" our friendship was suddenly ripped.

I was with her when she was weak. She was with me when I was down. She sounded really hurt and longing to divulge her unspoken feelings. Confusion buried in a snap. I see sheets and pillows all over us. She's not drunk, she's very sober this time. What can I do to undo your feelings? What should I do? runaway?

I am surprised and shocked. I think I am steady and quite ready. I want more, should I even beg? Smile for me cause we are in a troubled paradise. We should know it wont hurt that much. We can try to fool ourselves. But still you can claim it - I am yours. But what about her?

Our souls suddenly fall, I surrender silently. Breaking reality slowly. I am hiding. We are holding back. I can't be a side dish anymore. But I know I am gonna love you more.

Mommy Unicorn

My mother knows best. I am such a lucky kid. But I have to step up now cause she's getting older. 

Mom: Bakit maga mata mo?
Jul: Nahohomesick ako. Buti kinaya mo Mommy noon ano? snail mail pa.
Mom: E I got you and ate naman ehhh!
Jul: (Hugs - teary eyed)

Mom: Tara punta tayo sa Outlet Mall!

----

Mom: Kunin mo na ung dalawang shorts ako magbabayad nung isa.
Jul: eh baka may magustuhan pa akong iba
Mom: awwww.. (Uber cute fes)

----

Mom: ito gusto mo to? (Pulls the shirt)
Jul: (looks at the shirt)
Mom: ayyy girly... hihihi (Immediately returns the shirt) 

-----

Jul: Maganda itong shoes mommy?
Mom: (Looks at the shoes) Parang makabayan, anu yan pad paper??
Jul: bwahaahahahaha!

-----

Fast food


Jul: ayoko ng chicken. mangingitlog na ako.
Mom: sigi chowking. pero bili moko chicken pop.
Jul: ehhhhhhhh... masarap yunnn
Mom: bibigyan kita. hihihh


----

Mom(On Phone) : Asa mcdonalds ako bibili kita nuggets ah
Jul: YAYYYY!!!!

----

Day to Day

Jul: Mommy bili tayo please ng kalat.
Mom: ay sigi bibili din ako kalat, ay pasalubong. (All smiles)

Crushed

What I do when I am upset.

1. Earphones ON. Listen to angry songs. Linkin Park can help. OK. Yeah. Sing with them. RAAWR!
2. Write about it - like what I am doing now.
3. Tell your best friend about it, oh best friend. 
4. CRY-ola
5. Post something on twitter and hash tag it! you go girl!
6. EAT EAT EAT
7. Exhaust myself(Jogging) and make new friends at the park.
8. Scream at the balcony (Dao ming xhu tralalalala)
9. Hug yourself till you feel numb
10. Dress up like a man!
11. Retail therapy but I have no mannehhh!
12, Drown yourself with alcohol
13. Put 10 AED in your money pot for every painful thought and feeling
14. Tell my mother about it.
15. Start hitting myself
16. Believe in Unicorns

Unfortunately PAIN. Demands to be felt.
 

** back story **

I feel horrible. I feel like hating myself all over again. I am honestly capable of crushing my own self esteem and I actually don't need anyone to do it for me. But who do you turn to when the only person in this world that can stop you from crying is exactly the one making you cry?  

Even the happiest unicorns needs a happy pill. *sobs

I feel really crushed.

My Mother is a Unicorn

My mother is the main reason why I love deeply. When I came back in Dubai my mother asked a weird question. It took me sometime to brush up my thoughts about it and its really nice to be open about her in anything. Except for one thing, Ha, ya know. :)) So she said.


Mom: Kamusta bakasyon? Ok ka naman sa magulang niya? (All smiles)


There was a time we watched - Yes or No (Thai lesbian film). My mother cried when Kim was being reprimanded by Pie's mother. I admit I wasn't sure if she was crying because I am gay or maybe she felt alarmed like "I don't wan't my daughter get the same treatment as hers(Kim)".  I wasn't able to fire back an answer to her question, Instead of lying. I told her the truth. My mother deserves honesty.


My ever protective mother. I am so lucky to have her. She's been very protective ever since I came here in Dubai. She saw my worst when I was in the moving on stage with my ex. She gave me infinite love and hope when I needed it the most. She never made me feel like I am a burden. She's always proud at me. She loves me when I don't love myself. She raised me up when I feel like dying. That's my mom. Strong, determined and an unconditional lover.


Jul: hindi pa kami pwede mag out sa family niya eh. But kilala naman nila ako as a friend. (All smiles)


She immediately responded with another question.

Mom: Owww.. Asan na pasalubong ko?

My mom has this habit of diverting a negative vibe to a funny pun. It's like refusing to hear and feel a wrong vibe and changing the topic into another one without making you feel any awkwardness. Then after giving her all her pasalubongs. I shared a lot of things about my vacation. She eventually went out of my room to cook and I don't get it why I followed her too. She has this powerful charm that I don't understand. She makes me want her presence more whenever she moves away from me. I love her. I am what I am because of her. I thank god she's my mother. The mother of pearls. A happy mommy unicorn.

Euthanasia

I'd rather have it
Give me that syringe
don't want to linger pain
It'l rip me into pieces

I thought I'd never feel this way
Today I meet you again
Talking to myself
But I never listen 

Hello stupid, what episode?
Strike what?
Hit me till you feel happy
Tears falling
I feel like dying

Don't be hard on me
Hand me the needle
Breath in
Can't feel anything now
This is just a memory
Hug me now
We are heading hopeless


kill me fast before
It gets blurry

Opening Prayers.

This a a very delayed reaction. I saw my friend's post on facebook and it said there that she will lead the opening prayer for their event. Of course I am proud of her, she's my buddy. But then I realized that I am bad in opening prayers. I am good at public speaking. But I never volunteered to pray on the spot, and usually I reply with a shrug when I am being asked to pray. I can't seem to express what I want and talk clearly. 

I love god, I love jesus. But I feel bad of about not being able to make a prayer publicly. Maybe I think of what others may think, that I am corny or my prayer might be way out of the box. Maybe the reason would be on how I became distant to him. I consider myself distant to him since I don't go to church weekly anymore. We (mom and sis) used to go every week. Why do we need religion?

Think think think again. Religion gives us moral values and answers the questions that cannot be answered by science. Religion is mysterious, sometimes I feel like religion really is a business (words of wisdom from my dad). Religion, it gives purpose to human life. But when philosophy strikes me, maybe my dad could be right.

I pray. When I get nervous I pray. I am more spiritual. I just don't want to be the traditional fanatic and act sanctified after Sunday mass and come Monday ready to commit sins again. I am just saying, I came into a point where I know that in my heart, I won't kill and I will always practice kindness. I am not perfect. Ok I am getting nowhere now. Sometimes I even refuse to go to church because of the priests sermon. Otherwise don't go to church if you can't open your senses.


I am bad at opening prayers. But I love and trust him. I pray. I run to him. I have a tattoo. I don't go to church weekly.

Prayer for someone I really care

"I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me."

[PHP 4:13] - See more at: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/Prayer-for-Strength.html#sthash.R89Pr4XM.dpuf

"I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me."

[PHP 4:13] - See more at: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/Prayer-for-Strength.html#sthash.R89Pr4XM.dp

If I could dry your tears, dry the river of your tears. I would. I want to take away the pain you are feeling cause mean so much to me. But all I have right know in our situation are my eyes to cry with you, my words to help you calm, my arms for you to run to, and this prayer. Now that I only have a few days left here, I promise you today that you will never bear the pain alone cause I am always here for you. I love you infinitely.


Dear God, 
In this time of need please calm her heart. You are our strength and shield as we go lonely and weak. Please make her strong and I know you always care for your people. I need you to take control of our life, as our strength is faltering in times of trouble. We need your strength to overcome obstacles that could tear us apart. I don’t want her to suffer any more. We want to be strong like you. I pray that you will reach down and touch her right now wherever she is at this moment. Let your presence fill the room where she is and let her feel an extra portion of your strength that can help her to get through this day.

She needs you now.

Lord, and I thank you in advance for meeting her where she is and shoring up her strength during this difficult time.

In Jesus name. Amen.

Iyak Tawa

Ayoko mastress kaya papasayahin ko sarili ko. OK.

-
--
---
----
-----

Sana Petron, Shell, o Chevron ka na lang. Para sobra-sobra ka ring magmahal.


"Cause all of me loves all of you." -me singing (talking to a cup of rice)


Sana BIR ka rin, Para habulin mo ako.


 I feel like volunteering sa Hunger Games. Kung totoo man yun, ako na talaga kunin ninyo. Please lang. (Raises both of her hands. Punyeta hindi papala ako nagugupit ng hair) - Shuhada. Shoooe hadaaa! 

 
Sabi sakin ni Professor X, 
Prof X: I see unicorns, Cotton candy and loom bands. So colorful. Sooo.. G...
Jul: Gay ampucha... (Walks out) 
Prof X: Gorgeous. 




hayy.. my mouth my stupid mouth. I wanna die. :(( 

What would you do?

I'd do ANYTHING - Simple Plan

 

Another day, is going by, I'm thinkin' about you all the time
But you're out there and I'm here waiting
And I wrote this letter in my head 'cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone and I can't think straight

This could be, the one last chance to make you understand, yeah

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you
 

Will you remember me? 'Cuz I know I won't forget you

Together we broke all the rules, dreamin' of droppin' out of school
And leave this place to never come back
So now, maybe after all these years
 

And if you miss me have no fear, I'll be here and I'll be waitin'

This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again, yeah

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms
 

To try to make you laugh, somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me? 'Cuz I know I won't forget you

I close my eyes and all I see is you, I close my eyes
 

I try to sleep, I can't forget you, na na na, na na na
And I'd do anything for you
Na na na, na na na na

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh, somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you
To fall asleep with you with you, yeah

I'd do anything to fall asleep with you
I'd do anything, there's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything to fall asleep with you
I'd do anything 'cuz I know, I won't forget you

Connect the tongue to the brain.

SHUHADA.

Naiinis ako sa mga nagsttereotype, pagnakakarinig ako ng sitwasyon ng pang sstereotype napepeste ako. Pero dahil positivity year ito sakin. Iniiwasan ko maging ganun ako or makasalamuha ang mga ganung tao. Wag naman po tayo mag stereotype. Bad yun. Hindi naman din ako perpekto, pero ayun hindi ko matake kasi ang mga nega na tao.

So eto. Hindi lahat ng Amerikano, gwapo. Hindi lahat ng athlete, bobo. Hindi lahat ng taga UP, matalino. Hindi lahat ng OFW, mayaman. Hindi lahat ng Chinese, magaling sa math. Hindi lahat ng maarte, taga MC. Hindi lahat ng kulot, salot. Hindi lahat ng maliet, terribol. Hindi lahat ng gwapo, lalake. Hindi lahat ng nageextra rice, lalake. Hindi lahat ng lalaking naka pink, bakla. Hindi lahat ng arkitekto, magaling mag drawing. :)) natatawa ako. Hindi lahat ng maganda, mabaet. Hindi lahat ng maganda, babae. Hindi lahat ng siopao, asado! :)) Hindi lahat ng toothpaste, colgate. LOL. Hindi lahat ng driver, sweet. LOL. Hindi lahat ng lalake, naka brip. LOL.

OK. Tao lang din. For fun lang. Bato bato sa langit matamaan, sakit nohh? Gusto ko lang ishare na sana we use our words wisely. Sana before we talk we look at ourselves sa mirror. Ikaw anung kwentong stereotyping meron ka? SHARE NAMAAN! Barbsss! :))

Bahala ka na.

First quarter of the year is over. I am actually feeling a lot of emotions leaving and making the most of my 3 and a half month staycation here in Manila. Planning to make up for the last three quarters of the year as I feel motivated. Very motivated.

I feel focused. Career focused again. Its been so long since the last time I felt this way. I used to be a slave for promotion and it is a fact that I was close enough to get one, ok no more sour graping, maybe I am to good for that job. LALA! Moving on.
 
But here I am and I must not lose FAITH. I always end up pressuring myself internally. When I get what I want and know how things work in a cycle, I always always end up complaining. But honestly its nice to know that I have surpassed a lot and get the job done in times of crucial events. Oh lord. Wag mapagod sa buhay. There's this saying nga DIBA "Try and try until you succeed".

I grew up poor, but I never felt poor. My mother and father never made me feel poor. Bunso ako another fact. I think I got spoon fed a bit. I wish I was more ambitious. Siguro kasi andali ko nakuha ung mga gusto ko. Then again, this is it. Dream work, Dream business - Pera o bayong. Taya sa lotto wait for luck.

No.

I am just so anxious, I just gotta be better. For myself, for us. For our freedom.

SO before I hyperventilate in my own self inflicted stress.

Lord. (state the title of this entry) 

Selfish na Carebear

I DON'T CARE = WHAT DO YOU CARE ARE YOU A CAREBEAR

First of all, I am selfish cause I love myself too much. I won't care about you unless you care about me too. If my mother likes you that doesn't mean I can like you too. You want my respect you earn it. I don't care means I don't give a damn about you. Number one, why would I think about you?. Two, did you ever thought about me?. Three, where were you when I needed you?

Sometimes the people you love/d can be the source of your emptiness, loneliness. The person you thought who can love you unconditionally crushes you, heartlessly and maybe continuously. Eventually time heals and it wont hurt you anymore, cause you don't care anymore. The less you care the less it hurts. If you don't care then it wont hurt. You may feel stigmatized from those struggles. But yes, you shouldn't care. It is just a feeling. Shrug it off. I don't know if I make sense, I don't care. Cause I am selfish.

HAHA!

#facepalm


 

Nescafe.

I couldn't sleep last night, I finally had the courage to fix my luggage back to Dubai. But hindi ko natapos cause I ended up crying. Dubai, the land where I hibernated and looked for a better self. Control your emotions self. I tell myself again and again. I would bend my knees and hear a quick double snap. My poor injured knees. Hello hang in there. 

I am wearing my partner's earphones while writing this entry. BTW I was informed that these life savers are very durable, these earphones has been with her for a couple of years. I love it, at the same time I fear that she might be upset with me if I break these life savers.
 
Anyway keep reading. I am still anxious about the future. I used to fear being alone and taking care of my future nephews/nieces (shuhada - btw my sister is preggy naaa! yay!). In the past I have failed a couple of times in relationships. I admit I lost myself. I let myself embrace and linger loneliness. It took a lot of time to heal, a lot of prayers, restoration. During the darkest phase of my life I felt both my body and spirit were dead. I was empty, broken and desperate for change. I almost died(Starting over again line - jeez). I remember those drunken nights and restless days, wasted job opportunity/ies. I can still recall how monstrous I was. Today I find it funny. Reminiscing could be good sometimes to think how far you have become from self hate. But my faith led me to hers. I met her everything changed. Surprisingly, I thought I was never capable of falling again.

So starting tomorrow, I only have 14 days left here in Manila. Three months passed, I don't regret every risk I let go. I feel like I am made for her. Yes we do have a lot of differences, but we are crazy about each other. Now I have been asking myself lately, why leave? Para kanino ka nga ba gumigising? 

Untitled.

Maybe were not really meant to be.
Could be a question or a sentence. 
We both know that you and I could be together.
We might be together
Might end up together.

Darlin'
Do not keep me in vain
you should kiss me in front of them
I will find it sweeter than words
Hold me while they're looking

Fool me
act like you care
But I beg you
Do not love me in the dark
It hurts, It hurts a lot
but I chose you

I tried to get over it
Knowing
believing that this
wont take long
Patience I need you

Now
Don't play with my feelings
Maybe love isn't enough?
I couldn't control it
I yearned for you so much
Didn't want anything else
Except your gentle touch

I kept my mouth shut
Trying to deny it to myself
Pretending I didn't have
those feelings

Lying to myself
This love is starting to hurt
Pretending it's not real
Trying to put it in the past
Refusing to reveal

Conceal me from loneliness
Saturate my soul
Please relief my sadness
Cause I feel distress

I love you.
I really need you..

What Have I Done

So I woke up in the middle of the night feeling terrified and lonely. This is nothing new to me. I used to drink my worries away. But I don't drink that much anymore.

Clearly. I am very sensitive and fragile, not really obvious as my best friend told me. I am good at hiding. I use to hide inside the closet, as in literally and figuratively. My heart aches, I want to puke right now but my stomach is empty. I feel a burning sensation inside my throat. My head screams, throbbing head, please please un throb. My eyes hurt.

I state the serenity prayer. Three, four to ten times. I feel like crying again. Please stop thinking. Relax now self, breathe and now I am writing about it cause I can't and I do not know how to release this self inflicted stress. I hope writing about it vaguely can relieve my anxiousness about restlessness. But I don't even know how to love myself. Pray for me I feel miserable.

What have I done to myself. I love you July. Calm down.

WOOOSAH.

Hourglass

Perfume, smooth kind and sexy

Hush hush, please kiss me 

breathe, look at me

eyes teasing, asking, wanting

Let our skin talk

Let's suspend time

We'll never look at the hourglass

Hold me, stay like this 

You are such a euphoric bliss

We want this

Fast beats

Hands entwined

Where are we now?

my hand runs

panting body, perfect curves

I see your beautiful soul

I inhale your hungry essence  

arching bodies into my heat

I love you, I said

I love you too was bade

We have all the time in the world.

Our once tortured souls laughed. 

We Smiled.

Rather at once our time devour.
I want you forever.