12/19/15

Dejavu

I wanted to write something nice about tonight 
But suddenly I felt extremely sad

I was starving for more attention
But she wants undying affection

Demons are screaming louder
As I cough and pant for air
Am I drowning in my own thoughts
And in my dreams, it haunts me

Or this is a feeling I have been 
Rejecting 

I am so pissed. Frustrated. Irritated. Sad. Angry. Happy. 
All in one. Just for one. 



12/12/15

2016 - DREAM IT, PLAN IT and WORK ON IT

December is the time of the year where we can recap all the blessings we received throughout the year! Let us all be thankful to our Lord as he guide us in a great path and a great year,

Advance Merry Christmas BADASS UNICORNS! and may we all have a brighter future in the New Year Ahead!


"delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart"  -Psalm 37:4

Song of the DAY



Sabay

Kailangan ko ng oras Para makahinga Sakaling ‘di umabot At bumitaw ka na Kahit iba ang bagsak ng ating mga paa Sasabayan pa rin kita Hilo sa kaiikot Walang masandalan Ikaw ang siyang pumigil Sa aking katawan Kahit iba ang bagsak ng ating mga paa Sasabayan pa rin kita ‘Di bale nang mapatid at tayo'y tumagilid Sasabayan pa rin kita Hindi na makalutang Tangay na ng agos Hindi makalimutan Hindi makalayo sa ‘yo Sa ‘yo Kahit iba ang bagsak ng ating mga paa Sasabayan pa rin kita ‘Di bale nang mapatid at tayo'y tumagilid Sasabayan pa rin kita Sasabayan pa rin kita Sasabayan pa rin kita Kailangan ko ng oras Para makahinga

12/3/15

Rage

Every night I think of the kisses I should have
Is this enough to satisfy my heart's plea
I pray to love you more each day
Tears keep falling, I am deliberately hurting, waiting
For words I pretend to hear

She's not expressive
But try to talk to me, cause my heart is in rage
What I am feeling was never first time 
Talk to me, I really want to quit now 
My head is spinning, stressing and almost letting go

Life is hard, it is so unfair
Until we meet again, that is our damn fate 
I love you, I wanna hold your face
All we can do is wish and maybe wait 

Again, Again, I should shrug this feeling
to fall conveniently for someone else
Be strong, Be brave
For I will love you always
Even when we are miles apart

Temptations are easy to grasp
Because I knew from the start I was 
never good in waiting 
Patience, I pray for more patience

Kindly understand the sadness in my daily grief 

10/15/15

laughtrip with mom



My mother was inside the car with me and she saw me putting moisturizer on my hands and legs.

Mom: para san yan? *eating peanuts
Me: wala kasi ko lotion so lagay ako sa hands ko and konti sa legs. Lagay ka oh para hindi tigang ung balat mo.
Mom:kawawa naman ako tigang na tigang :)) *muntik ng mabuga yung peanuts
Jul: lagay ka pa mi!
Mom: lol tamaaa naaaaaa


9/28/15

As a confused 10 year old tomboy

I was grade four and you were fourth year. You told me you like me. I was sitting near the school library reading a history book. I remember being flattered. I do not have a type yet, but you were so annoying. I wasn't eager to have a relationship back then because I was such a kiddo. If my mother knew about what you did, you could've been sued. We were both minor. I remember the awkward glaces along the corridor. You smiled and gave me that annoying laugh. I was infatuated with the idea of love. I knew back then I am not bad looking after all. You treated me like I am the most handsome girl. It felt good. But it went all gone when I didn't see you anymore. 

My Facebook Account

I see straight people turned gay. Gay friends turned straight, ehem married with kids. I saw a colleague who used to copy my homework get a great job. Rich guy turned middle class. Married and not married anymore. Single and still single. A girl who changed her hair color and hair style. A boy who lost all of his pimples and became a cutie. She married a muslim. He became a christian. There's a gold digger... etc. lalala...

I wonder. Do I ever cross someones head? am I blog worthy of your time? Just wondering..


Call me Legendary





*cue in ALICE DEEJAY - Better of Alone


-----

Dear Everyone

You might have noticed that I do not answer calls anymore. Especially on weekends. I do not text back anymore, I rarely message anyone randomly. In other words I am always MISSING IN ACTION nowadays. Sorry, my dear friends. I have personal reasons not to show up. It's not you, it's me. HAHA *evil grin*

I came into a point were loud crowds, music and alcohol doesn't seem to make me happy anymore. And four is a crowd for me. I'd rather be with a friend watching a movie in silence than go out on a road trip with no plans and getting into trouble. I'd rather watch evening teleseryes with my mother or read books.

I just want silence and understanding. Nobody understands me for now. I am in my most fragile state of staying sane. I am in a stage where real adult life should be taken serious of. I do not feel any younger anymore. I don't know what else to say but please, go on with out me. Let me go. Do not invite me. Just go.

But it would be nice if you can find me at the gym, running my worries away. I am still the same person I was, I am still jolly and I can still pull a joke. Let's just say, I am always hungry and I don't want to share my miseries. Let's just say, I've changed. Things changed. People change. Feelings change.

Sabi ni Britney Spears, Sometimes I run... sometimes I hide. LOL. I am just sappy melodramatic emo machine who can't seem to burst. I will be fine. I just miss the old days were I used to feel like everyday is my birthday. Still fighting the sadness. More patience, Keep praying.







Berting



9/8/15

Someone who can never be YOURS!


Unrequited love from someone you cannot have is such a heart ache! I can remember I was so in love with Aom Sushar Manaying - leading lady in Yes or No 1 and 2. LOL. I was torn between letting my feelings go and hanging on to her - shiyeeet there's no possibility actually. Shuhada.




Advise for someone who want's someone who can never be yours? Okay here goes Berting.



1. My dear friend - Think of this. You will find someone who will give you the happiness you deserve. Alam ko the good ones are always taken, but please hanap ka ng swak na swak saiyo walang sabit. Match ba? Dadating yan. Pray ka pa.



2. If he/she makes you smile constantly - party lang! If things work out then good. Want him/her but leave a space for yourself. Umayus ka.



3. Alam mong hindi talaga at wala siyang sparks sayo. Wag mo saktan sarili mo. Party ka na lang!


4. BAE - move on. The more you resist it the more it persist. Ok let the feelings subside slowly, divert your attention to something else worthwhile, join a dance club do ballroom dancing, join the toastmasters, get a gym membership. Love yourself! Party ulit! Remember life is too short to be unhappy! Party pa more!



5. Wag ipilit ang ayaw. sabi nga ni Elsa "let it GOOO! Let it GOOOO!" Sing using your heart and lungs! Let go and let god!!!!


? Random

I have been thinking about philandering people, why on earth would they cheat on the most beautiful person or the most special person in their lives? Why can't they just be loyal and fix their relationship? 

My sister once said, there are three problems in a relationship. 

One would be love, maybe the other half felt that he/she is giving too much and in this crazy world everything should be reciprocated. I mean who wouldn't want to be loved back? Love is an amazing feeling, we are here in this world to love and be loved. Maybe the partner has hang ups. The other one had an affair. Cause maybe just maybe love isn't really enough? 

Second, money, I honestly hate money. I really think money can make a person change, I have seen a lot of people who changed because of money. With money people think they own everything, that they can buy anything. Money problems could also mean that both of them are into gambling, one of them could have bad spending habits or worst maybe both of them are financially illiterate. 

Third, the in-laws, The in-laws doesn't like you at all! Even you put extra efforts in everything they just want your existence gone. Or maybe the in-laws doesn't know you exist. LOL 

It could be his/her family status, love - his/her father has two or more families, money - his/her family has debt issues, not well off. Third his/her educational background, and lastly religion. I know there are a lot of reasons in the in-laws category, but this is all I can think of. Haha. As a filipino, we are too family oriented. This is one of the best reasons in solving problems in a relationship.  

So given these three points? Do you believe love is based on effort? if one of the three, two of the three or worst all of the three are ticked?

Some say you have to make an effort daily so love wont run dry. Love should be infinite, Love should be unconditional, you love this person because she's like this that etc. Perhaps he/she make you smile? You are married to his/her flaws. But what if one day you realized that you want your coffee a little sweet, and your partner wants a bitter coffee. Then someone walks by and offer you a coffee that is a little sweet? What would you do if your partner loves the color red and you love pink so bad. On the other hand he/she hates pink and someone else walks by and likes the color pink as well? How about trying to like your partner's music, but he/she wont like yours, and someone passes by and likes your type of music and loves your favorite band and would definitely sing for you even if he/she is out of tune? What if things are going on the rocks between you and your partner and someone came and made things easier and lighter for you? 

How can you hate the philandering person if he/she is being judged wrongly? Why would we hate the philandering person immediately without seeing the gray area. So yeah love isn't enough. Cheating is very selfish. Because love is so selfish. We destroy the people we love. It is so unkind to play with someone's feelings. We are so done wishing, hoping and wanting more. We want change cause change is very constant. But to wrap everything, as a human, love should not be measured. Should have no boundaries. So why do we have these problems? pucha baka kasalanan ng teleseryes to. Love love love. Can you not? 


8/15/15

Alarming?



By accident I wrote akosibert in google, forgetting the to type the letter s. What the heck, lo and behold may akosibert,blogspot! Also there's a twitter user named @akosibert - just wanna say that I don't know them and they are not affiliated with my blog. I also think that they are not the same person as well. Bleh

I do have a twitter account @bertsurdaneta - I rarely use it now.


So there goes my alarming new... *tvpatrol sounds *cue in music

8/14/15

Berting Tries Yoga


There was a time my sister offered to pay my pilates / yoga class for me to improve on my back pains and posture. I declined and I said it was only a fad. I think that was 8 years ago. I honestly thought Yoga is made for older people. I felt like Yoga was a lesser stage of ballroom trend.*would this mean I am old now. lol 

Well I could've listened to her. Cause I am so in love now with Yoga now. To think I just started Yoga class last monday.

I couldn't believe I enjoyed Yoga. I am having my Yoga classes at Fitness First by the way. I am a member in Sahara Mall, but I take Yoga classes in Burjuman Mall. Yoga classes in Sahara mall are most of the time scheduled in the morning. Obviously, I can't. Anyway, I felt scared with my Yoga instructor at first. Her name was Fran Diaz(proud to be Pinay), when I saw her I thought she was latina but when she was on stage. Ha! Kabayan pala siya. She is quite strict but she's really good. I think I was able to catch up as a beginner. I didn't understand the people who went out of her class cause she was really amazing. At the latter part of her session, she made us lie on our mats and she was saying things that made me really calm. As if I was in another dimension and problems were unnecessary. Unfortunately I wasn't able to take her class last night. 

On the other hand - I tried Hatha Yoga with Munish. I wasn't able to see his profile on the schedule board, maybe he was new. He was a little boring maybe because he didn't use any music. But he was assisting everyone's posture. With his class I couldn't believe I stretched my whole body. There was also a lady behind me who tried to lean backwards - she farted two times. I was smirking silently. I don't want to cause a scene. In fairness there was no smell. I think she sniffed everything before everyone else smells her bomb. LOL. But I feel great afterwards. 

Imagine, just 2 Yoga sessions. I love it. Looking forward for more benefits of Yoga. 

*wink 








Worth it

Yesterday, I read this article about "some people are just aren't worth it anymore". I felt like there was a blade slicing my heart and someone was pouring lime juice on it. Pucha ansakit noh?

I helped a lot of people who did not deserve my help. I listened to the people who did not deserve my time. I fought for them, I covered them from harm. I tried to be the best for them. I tried to please them, which was totally wrong. I am not mad at them, like I always say, things change, people change. Yet I still chose to be the forgiving person. In other words, I have been used, I have been taken for granted, I have been left out. It was my fault. 

Now, I will find time to find my own happiness.. I will enjoy doing things alone. Cause I am worth it. :) 


Day dreaming in my dream

Darn. I am 32, single and nothing new on me. Everybody is married, some have kids. Some where converted gay to straight and vice versa. But at least I got my own definition of success, I have my own business.

I got lot's of dates. I dated a man the other day, stopped messaging him cause he is a control freak. I hate being controlled. I met a single lady the other day, she was motherly, it is because she has kids already. A single mom. No. Phone kept ringing. I am so done with dates,

Another day at my shop, cleaning, scrubbing the sides of my favorite machine. The pos machine. Where it contains my money. Money is the only thing that makes me happy right now. Pay day is the nightmare of my month. Chimes rang. Someone's inside my shop.

I saw you again, you were wearing that weird patterned sleeveless. Blue shorts, hair wavy, pulled down. She gave me that happy smile. It was damn infectious, I tried not to smile back. I tried to contain the happiness, Like I always do. I shrugged and tried not to act jumpy. I inserted my hands on my pockets. 

When I turned around she kissed me. We both said "I love you". I tried to say "Remember who said it first". There were tears on my face, I didn't expect those tears to fall down. I stared at her and her changes. She looked really pretty. I am so happy to see her. 

She kept on kissing me. She wouldn't let me finish a sentence. I breathe her air, it gave me butterflies. It was my wife. I was dreaming. I was day dreaming again. I am 32, married with 3 kids. The man I dated was my control freak Dad and the single mom I dated was my best friend. 




7/31/15

Anyare paps?

Dear Brother,

Whatever happened to you?

I suddenly thought about you when I took time to look at your facebook account, I admit I was a bit scared of what your are posting. And boy you post too much, I am not asking you to stop posting, instead, have a little time to think before you post, please do not get me wrong. I care, if only I could see you now and talk to you. Try to make things a little lighter. I am not sure what your motives are, but I guess you are in pain. You know better than me, life isn't suppose to be draggy. But I pray for you to forgive the people who hurt you and just move on. Just let it go. It is not a cake walk but as a friend, I'll help you crash and burn. If only I have the guts to send you this letter. #facepalm


Berting


My Struggles in UAE

First of all. I don't want my blog to be blocked because I will be very detailed with my struggles here in UAE. I will also tackle sensitive issues. Just read behind the lines. Haha! 

1. I used to have a very short hair, I looked very tomboy when I arrived here way back 2012. Me staying here was unexpected and I was lucky enough to be sponsored by my mother - which would mean I am holding a residence visa under her name and there's no struggle for me to look for a job to be a legal alien in this country(uae) and have an employees visa. Looking for a job was one of the hardest thing I ever did. Being Gay or Lesbian is not really tolerable here. In my opinion you have to set aside the real you in the corporate world. So, PLM(People like me ) should try to practice wearing pearls and make up(just apply make up a little). Try to also practice wearing skirts and dresses. 
*I see some lgbts here but they try to keep it discreet, no loud gay barks, I suppose. 

2. Bathroom confusion - it happened a lot of times even in my own country. I try not to look at peoples eyes coming inside the ladies toilet. I feel uncomfortable being looked at. I hate being asked to go on the male bathroom.

3. Train cabin confusion - in RTA trains it is strictly prohibited for men to stay on he 2nd and 3rd cabin, these cabins are for ladies only cabin. I was once asked to move away to the 3rd cabin. But I was wearing a hoodie. Jeez. So I removed my hoody and nod. *babae pa rin ako! #lol 

3. I came here with a limited amount of money - it is good to have my mother around but as an adult you feel shy and disappointed asking for money and seeing your old friends in FB get to have their dream jobs, their dream shoes. You see them getting engaged and married. In short I was very insecure. My dear, do not look at other's blessings instead count your blessings and be grateful. Everyone has their own struggles. Never ever ever compare.

4. Where to broken hearts go? in DUBAI! Indeed. I went here to move on from an ex, it is true that time heals. In Dubai, I learned that this city aint for the weak. It is a city of challenges and survival. Competition, experience and pride. Love yourself and invest on yourself, take gym lessons, classes to improve your skills, join a dance club. BTW, I joined into a ballroom dance org, do not ask. It was fun.  #facepalm 

5.You feel very sad seeing old friends get together in FB. Bwiset. It makes me sad to see my college friends get together, you wish to see a space in their photos, oh I could've been there or they could've called me in skype at least I get a spot there. *sobs  

6. When you go out on short walks to buy groceries - at walang TRICYCLE! Demmet it is so hot in here - especially in Ramadhan. On the other hand it is too cold in Ber months. My goodness gracious. Plus for example you need only one band-aid, you buy the whole box! *walang tinge or small box - jeez. Filipino foods are often found in groceries, but the taste is quite different. Then you'll feel home sick. *sobs  

7. SAND STORMS - I am always allergic to dust. Prepare your antihistamine, goggles and hanky. Dubai has a tropical desert climate - summers are extremely hot and humid. Whenever there's a climate change from summer to winter or vice versa I get really - really sick. 

8. When you get sick - you need a medical certificate for work and it cost 60Aed(I usually ask the doctor to give me 3 days rest to maximize the fee of 20Aed per day). Here in Dubai - they have their own system generated medical certificate. Unlike in the Philippines - the doctors just write the medical certificates in a paper. Plus if you are on a budget and you get sick - consultation would cost around 100aed. With a total of 160AED, no medicines yet. So if you are looking for a job here in Dubai, please aim for a company that provides a health card. 

9. When you are ill and bedridden you wish someone would take care of you. Mother is of course at work.  But you just wish that one significant other would look after you. But no. I have also been in a phase where I had to pull myself and buy food and panadol. *self pity *sobs 

10. You feel really scared with police presence - even if they are just standing in one corner of a metro station.

11. Your birthday feels like an ordinary day. Everyone greets you in FB on 12MN UAE time just to greet you. After the last greeting, you will go back on your routine in your life abroad as a corporate slave. *tragic 

12. There was a time I questioned my faith, and I found myself reading the bible and praying the rosary. Praying is never corny. God knows when to say yes. :) Just wait and he will give your hearts desires. 

13. I had no idea when to come home - because there were no reasons to come home before. haha! 

13. When I miss my adorable dogs - Sam(RIP) and Pixie

14. When you are so thirsty and you cannot eat or drink outside in RAMADHAN! 

15. When somebody borrows money to you - I feel obligated but I never lend money more than 50aed. 

16. You miss your partner's Birthday and first anniversary. But I am glad she is till with me, :) :) :) 
 
17. Apparently want something that cannot be bought here in Dubai from Manila. This is such a nightmare. 

18. There is no unlit txt and calls from Etisalat and Du. I am an Etisalat user by the way, they friggin deduct your load automatically. 

19. Damn, language barrier. I can not understand Indian accent sometimes. They talk to fast, and I just have to look at their lips which gives them the wrong signals. *facepalm

20. People think of me as a fresh graduate. I look young, maybe because I am asian? mehh, I hate it. I demand respect. haha! 

Tomorrow is another day in this city, another set of struggles to meet. I know I have yet to fulfill the things that brought me here. If God would gave me a choice where I would wan't to be now, I will still chose to live abroad. I am very lucky I have my mother with me. Unlike the other ofws here who struggle working here to provide money for their families. On the other hand it is no joke being away from my family and friends left in the Philippines.




7/17/15

Feeling tired

I ran to catch the last train to etisalat, I was able to enter the male cabin, panting, gasping for air, I couldn't breath normally cause I smell bad pungent. A bunch of men staring at me as I lose my breath, not even one gentleman offered me a seat. I guess all of us are tired. Chivalry is so damn dead. As I stand close to them, hoping the next few minutes one of them could offer me a seat, I saw myself reflecting into the mirror. I see a quite different me, quite different. I imagined seeing myself 9 years ago, meeting my current self inside the trains. Have you been working? How are you? I couldn't answer her. I felt bad. The heck is wrong with me. I didn't notice 4 stations already passed, no gentleman offered their seats. I looked on my left and there was a seat.

"I feel really lonely, I could die."



















7/14/15

VROOOOM!

*my dream CAR - FORD MUSTANG


Been waiting for UNISHA's message on when can I attend my next class in BDC(Belhasa Driving School). Apparently I quit on my instructor Roohi for power tripping with me. She was shouting at me the other day, about how I did my parallel parking. At first I was really good, we were good. After a few minutes, she eventually got mood swings on me which I was surprised all of a sudden because all she did at first was to praise me. So she was like "Get down and let's swap seats(not the exact words)". She made a demo of parallel parking, after two turns. Good job! voila!

She bumped the post and yes she just laughed her way out. I couldn't laugh, I was dead serious of replacing her. Which I DID! Now my license is taking too long. Mehn I wanna pass one take. I hope I wont get karma for complaining about her, but this is DUBAI. There's no place for incompetent people. This city ain't for the weak. I am planning to go to driving school tomorrow. Ill take the parking test, after three days. I WILL PASS. Claiming it already.

I need a car! Is so freekin HOT in here!


7/13/15

RIP Julia Buencamino


I read lot's of young people who decided to die than to fight. Especially young kids who were facing LGBT issues. Suicide is saddening. I too, had thoughts about it but I decided to face my problems. I am very lucky to have loving parents and supportive friends. I may have lost some friends and family about my gender preference, but I still have those who love me for who I am. This is me.

I felt sad reading Julia's suicide note, she is such a talented kid, she was really good in art. I felt tears while reading her note. I wanted to search for answers on what made her decide to just let her reasons die with her. But, there's no use in pin pointing what made her commit suicude. What triggered her is way out of my business. I can only hope and pray that this issue should be a calling for every single of us, christian or not, we should all love and respect others. 

Stop hating and judging. Leave all the negativity and everything to GOD. Our journey, our task is to show Gods love. We should all love one another. I just hope that she didn't kill herself and sought help from the community.

From now on, I will be an advocate against suicide and LGBT rights. 

"Let us be a generation that made love win." Excerpt from Mr Samonte, valedictorian of UP Los Banos.



Pampasaya. ROCK EN ROLL TO THE WORLD


Kuya inuman tayo! LOL 

6/27/15

Why Work Abroad?

Did you ever wonder why some Filipinos chose to work abroad? I asked my colleagues about this over coffee, some of the below comments are just my observation. These colleagues are the yuppies from Ages 23-28. 
1. There's no use putting all your efforts in the Philippines -                                              " I was working in an Engineering firm, my pay was PHP15000, I worked hard and only got a raise after 2 years."

"Walang increase!" 

"I did not feel the increase in my salary at all and there was no health insurance as well. Also the deductions from SSS, Pag ibig, Income tax is taking almost half of my salary - plus deduct the petrol expenses, parking fees in makati is so high, food, I can't even buy the things I want. "    

"Nobody wants to hire me, I feel incompetent in my own country" 

2. I am single parent 
"I disappointed my parents for being a mom at an early age, I need to earn more for my daughter's future and at least send money to my parents to take care of her"

3. I left my heart in Manila (Plus number 2) - WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO
"Iniwan ako ng bf ko of 5 years, pucha parang wala na kong maisip kung hindi umalis and start a new sa ibang bansa, malay mo foreigner pala ang para saakin" 

4. Wanna earn 4x my current MBS (Monthly Basic Salary) - FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE

"If you were born poor, you want to be rich, I wanna buy what I want but yun nga, hindi naman ako makakabili ng iphone kung server ako sa pinas, diba?" 

"I wanna buy a house, I am sick of renting and moving from one place to another, so I went here to save and earn so I can invest on a condo" 

"Gusto ko mag travel kun saan saan" 

"Mainet jan, mahirap mag commute, ayoko na mag jeep mausok." 

5. I don't want to be in a LDR(Long Distance Relationship)
"Ayoko malayo sa gf ko, hindi ko na kaya ang isa pang taon na wala siya"

"I suspect that my husband will have an affair, he's not bad looking, so I followed him here"

----

Some of the yuppies started a plan to stop being an ofw for 5-10 years, some are still working, still searching and wouldn't want to go back in the Philippines. Well at least we have plans. I believe number 4, is the best answer for yuppies like me. We want to be able to reach financial independence. 

We are already considered as modern day heroes, our remittances generates revenues which and should make the Philippines better. I guess somehow, I hope sooner or later the Philippines will turn out to be one of the best cities in Asia again, maybe 2nd to Japan like we used to or maybe better than Japan. We do not expect a salute when we return to the Philippines. We just want to see our families, have a chance to live and grow a better life. And we hope by that time, we can look back and say, we helped our country by our remittances.

Sure. 

6/20/15

Almost

10 days to go - pay day
17 days to go - I am a year older

Can't wait ;D


6/8/15

...................

I feel like nobody understands me today. I feel like everyone is preoccupied with their wants. I could use a shoulder to cry on. In my situation, I only have this blog to vent out. I will pour it all out.

Everything went well until, I felt emotionally drained today. I have been looking at peoples blessings instead of counting mines. I have been envying other's achievements instead of improving mines. I have been withdrawing myself to people cause I cannot seem to catch up with their financial freedom or they might make fun of me. They might make fun of my things, my investments and physical attributes. I have been so fragile to other peoples statements. I have been working hard, so that I could never feel belittled. I have been battling with the people around me. I have been defensive on so many things. I have been pressuring myself to be better. I have been depriving myself. I have been torturing myself. I thought I need to feel devastated to be better. To strive more.

I knew I was doing well. That my insecurities will pass. It will pass. Until I find out that my hard work isn't good enough....

I wish I have all the power in the world to make anyone and everyone happy.

But then again this shall pass. I will TRY to understand. But what can you do if you feel like the unconditional love is coming to an end?

-----

ANG SAKIT SAKIT. Pero sige lang. Party lang. Hooooo...... ANG SAKIT ;'(

And my head goes BSB



"I Want It That Way"
Yeah

[Brian:]
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way

[Nick:]
But we are two worlds apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way

[Chorus:]
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

[AJ:]
Am I your fire
Your one desire
Yes I know it's too late
But I want it that way

[Chorus:]
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

[Kevin:]
Now I can see that we're falling apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me...

[Howie:]
You are my fire
The one desire
You are
You are, you are, you are

Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake (don't wanna hear you say)
I never wanna hear you say (oh, yeah)
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say (don't wanna hear you say)
I want it that way
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say (never wanna hear you say)
I want it that way

'Cause I want it that way



6/5/15

Feeling Exhausted.




#IguessIamnottheeasiestpersontolovetoo. 

Editor 2.5

My biggest fear is the lost of a family member(whether it is death or betrayal). I consider my friends as family. They are family that I chose to be close with. Believe me my dear, I am very exclusive with the people I share my blessings with. I value loyalty. I don't like barkadas, I am the buddy type person. MOST of the time I withdraw myself in a group of people, but I know I can get along with anyone. I am just selective. Carefully selective. Sometimes I even detach myself to my family, which is quite happening right now, cause I know they can hurt me a lot. Whether it is on my capabilities, my physical attributes or my achievements.

Anyway, what I wrote about you was true based on my vast memory on how you treated me. Totoo lahat yun. I didn't lambasted you. Maybe you just need to accept how bad you really were? we were so young, maybe you upgraded/improved your attitude now. I know you are not reading my blog. Cause yes, whoever reads my blog nga naman.

I thought about you more often. I thought I forgot about you. BTW, hopefully this is my last entry under your codename. Why can't I just erase you in my life? Cause I see you everywhere, you even look like one of my friends here that I refuse to get comfortable with. I guess people like you made a huge mark on me. I still pray about you. Don't worry, whoever reads my blog is one hell of genius.

Genius in a way that he/she wants to take my family away from me. Genius in a way he/she wants to hurt me for the second time. Genius, please do not manipulate, you know what I mean. Don't talk sly-ish. I know you really miss me? But please give this as a birthday gift to me. Stay away from my family.

At hindi porke't tahimik, duwag. Minsan, yung mga marunong tumahimik, yun ang matatapang. Kesa, yung maingay na naghahanap ng kakampi. *credits to my college classmate *who apparently hates you *diko siya kakampi, maybe may common grounds lang


#magtigilka #utangnaloobsainyo #kiusap #UTANGNALOOBWAGAKO #gvlangples #smilesandpresspublish #bertingwrites 


6/3/15

Me and my own

I feel like life has been sucked out of me. This year and for the last few months, I have had a strange problem. It it very hard to explain but I will try to write it. I can't stop but want to sleep and withdraw from people, I think it is taking over my life. I don't smoke, drink alcohol that much anymore but anyway I like eating. Haha. I am a strong person, I but this time I think this is quite serious. I don't even know what to do or say. I might be depressed or experiencing some anxiety. I do not like the idea of taking medicines and fear if I go to a psychiatrist I will just be electrocuted or given pills to mask the problem. I must face this. Sorry if I have not explained things the best, but I find it really hard to explain. I feel a bit shamed and down for no reason. I feel really sad. Maybe because....


I am turning 27 next month. I feel like I need to achieve personal and professional fulfillment for the rest of my life.  But I will stay positive.  Below are my daily reminders. 


1. I will sleep early 

2. I won't take work stress at home

3. I will exercise - soon 

4. I will start to lose weight. OMG 

5. I should write daily. 

6. I will save money.

7. I will keep dreaming and pursue my dream JOB 

8. I will not envy others achievements 

9. I will not compare myself to others

10. I will be contented and be happy for what I have

11. I will try not argue with anyone. Apologize when needed. 

12. Keep my cool.

13. Be grateful.

14. Be kind. 

15. Be polite.

16. Thou shall not cheat. 

17. Pray.

18. It is okay to cry.

19. Invest on myself.

20. Get out of my comfort zone. 

21. say thank you.

22. be mad sometimes.

23. learn a new language.

24. love my family.

25. splurge and buy something I really want. 

#breathes #missing #lordhelpme 


6/2/15

7 Possible things your ex lover thought of before letting you GO.

I suddenly thought of writing the above topic because I am trying to continue the novel I have started a few months ago and apparently I am on the 4th chapter. Hooray for day offs!

Anyway I thought of these things - because I was thinking about the what I felt when I broke up with my ex and what my exes may felt before they let me go. My ideas and my thoughts are trying to choke me. I felt hurt not because I want them back. But really, breaking up is devastating. Break ups are really saddening. Have you ever had your heart broken?

For those who are still wounded, please try to accept reality. You just have to let go and move on.

REASONS - Possible Reasons

1. They felt scared committing with you
They might felt that they have been dating the same old vanilla ice cream for years and that person doesn't seem to have plans with him/her in the future. There could be a third party, maybe one of them is scared with commitments. There is also a possibly that maybe, just maybe love isn't really enough.

2. They noticed that they are starting to conceal their true self in the relationship.
They start to feel that they are already lying too much in their relationship, they feel unhappy because they cannot be themselves in their relationship. Maybe they felt that they are not compatible with their partners.

3. They felt depressed and lost for a solution
Because their relationship is too complicated. Probably, his or her family doesn't want him or her and vice versa. One of them is psychotic, abusive or self centered. They might be in a secret relationship, they have money issues, business feuds, another factor RELIGION!

4. They thought of snooping around or contemplating about cheating
They thought of ways to keep you and at the same time to shrug you off by making things more complicated by finding another relationship. Well actually they already found a prospect, it is our call to take them back or not. To fight back or not. But for me, I won't accept cheaters anymore. I cannot live with a partner who can possibly abuse me for the second time.

5. They imagined their life without their partner
And they knew they can survive with out them. They knew they can live without him or her.

6. They kept on praying and hoping their partner will change or their feelings might change
They felt stuck with their partner's attitude problems, goals in life, financially, physical attributes. All the things that are maybe too conditional. They want more than your capacity or definition of love. They may also felt like you will never change, ever.

7. They do not feel good about themselves
They feel like they haven't found themselves and they need time and space to think of their personal well being. Example the guy felt like being an astronaut. She wanted to be a MOWdel. They can't be that person they want to be if their partners do not give support.

As I have said, every break up is devastating. They is no easy way to break someone's heart. Moving on is not a cake walk as well. But if love can fix everything. Then find ways to patch things up. Love is always the answer. sabi ni Kris Aquino... LOVE LOVE LOVE! 

5/21/15

Debt Debt Debt mo ay nakakasilaw - OFW Edition

You got that, I don't like debts. I do not like lending money for more than 500 Pesos(50AED). When somebody asks money I try not to lend them. But if it is below 50AED, I settled my mind that this amount will never go back in my hands. Lucky me if it comes back.

AANYWAAAAAYY.

Someone: Jul I need your help.
Jul: Kahit ano po wag lang pera. (BINGO) (Standard LINE) 


HOW TO BE FINANCIALLY READY?

1. Planning - This is a must to do for being financially stable. Planning is essential and it is always applied in everything. You gotta have a plan to secure your future financially.The question is what do you want when you reach your target money pot? Isn't it rewarding when youre in a financially happy stage??? like debt free. :D

2. Budget - This will help you be in control of your expenses. By budgeting your money you can a lot from necessities and wants (gadgets, leisure etc). Budget the basic needs vs your wants. Remember to buy the needs! needs are more important than wants. I came into a point where I do not like buying the latest gadget, the latest trend, I am devoted to simplicity and practicality. I am grateful of what I have. People - yuppies who are also OFWs please, save up.

3. Save money! make a certain percentage per pay day. This should be a must every month. Never wait for the month to end, You must sow the seed, before you can reap the harvest

4. I am an anti-credit card person. I used to have one. It is not that I am not responsible enough to handle or have one. I just don't want to worry about multiple payments each month. Tell you what a lot of OFWs are troubled in settling their credit card debts. We must not be complacent by the power of a credit cards privileges. REMEMBER - with credit card comes great responsibility!

5. Avoid loans. Do not invest if you are not confident with your earnings. DO NOT INVEST if you're going to be penniless due to uncertainties. BE SURE.

6. Never ask anyone to lend you money. - I don't ever wanna be in this case.If I do, that would be coins,

I can't think of anything anymore. I just do not like the feeling of having a debt, going to make a loan or being asked to lend money. Money I never liked money. No Money No honey. I have seen a lot of people living for money. Money as a source of happiness. Some say money makes us confident. But I say do not let the money dictate what you are.

"debt debt debt mo aaaayyy nakakasilaw lalalal..."


5/20/15

Birthday WISH LISH!!!!

Arranged by wants and needs LOL 


1.       See my partner



2.       Nike Air Jordan 5 Retro


3.       Clubmaster Eye glass - rayban



4.       Aviator - rayban



5.       Laptop – mac


6.       Earphones – senheiser beats whatever etc



7.       New watch – skagen or tissot



8.       Folding bike – dahon



9.       Omega – liniment, hindi yung watch J


10.   Salonpas stock



11.   Corporate clothes



12.   Handy cam – start posting or making videos for viddsee *wish 

Sony PJ530


13.   Sims 4 – oh my!



14.   Invest in condominium

Megaworld - Rockwell


15.   Invest insurance

Sunlife - Axa 

3   16.    Arabic Class
17.       Study MBA  *still looking for a school
18.       Get a car *uae – I WILL PASS Dubai licensure
  


5/18/15

Tagalog time with Zolika

Zolika - my self proclaimed emirati friend. Colleague at work.

----

Jul: Hello, is this Abdul Jabbar? Ok ok. check your PDA we have complaints raised in your site. lalalalalala... (on telephone) (smirks) (bursts) (laughed)
Zolika: what is so funny?
Jul: Do you know what is the meaning of Jabbar in tagalog/filipino?
Zolika: What? Tell me?
Jul: when you perspire in your armpits and there's a sweat mark in what you are wearing. We call that jabbar!
Zolika: you know in islam, Abdul Jabbar means powerful.
Jul: That explains everything dear! Powerful. Indeed!
Zolika: LOL (slaps me from behind)

5/15/15

The Rich Man's Daughter

I heard the soap from my friend who is apparently a Marian Rivera fan. She tagged me on facebook that there will be another ground breaking teleserye from GMA and this time it is lesbian themed. As a lesbian, I was more excited and jumpy comparing to the GMAs previews soap My Husband's Lover(Gay themed) - finally! Kudos GMA for being brave enough to feature such admirable shows. I am not a fan of GMA, but I really admire their bravery for supporting lgbt rights. Indeed a milestone if we're going to talk about the Philippine Television






Glaiza and Marian*suppose to be Jade  


I would have loved to see Marian Rivera play the leading role, but when I saw the pilot episode, Rhian Ramos is totally good and she's making me like her more and more for each episode. This is so not Kapuso of me but I think Rhian is gonna smash this show. 

Moreover, Rhian Ramos is playing the wealthy heiress named Jade Tanchingco, her family is actually Filipino-Chinese. This angle of the soap makes the whole set more complicated, cause it reminds me of ABS-CBNs My Binondo Girl. See Jade is the youngest and unica ija. Her father was disowned by her rich grandparents because he married a Filipina, eventually her mother bore his two brothers and then came Jade, who was the favorite grandchild. Which is quite confusing because Chinese loves and always want first born sons. Am I wrong? Anyway, Jade's grandparents finally accepted his father back into the family when Jade was born. BTW, Jade is very close to her father whom she calls "dada". 

Althea Guevarra portrayed by my new crush Glaiza de Castro, was actually a wedding coordinator and she met Jade in his brother's wedding. The part where they both laid eyes on each other reminded me of the movie Imagine me and you. I felt the magical chemistry between the two. I felt butterflies in my stomach. Seryoso kinilig ako....  I am loving the gazes between them, this is so intense! 




Glaiza and Rhian as Althea and Jade 

I hope the soap will last for a year. I hope this soap will not cause any issues especially for the stereotypes as Philippine TV is prone to these things. 



INTENSE DIBA? JEEEZ..