Dr. Jul

I ran as fast as I can, She was barely breathing, I had to do CPR. I started with chest compression. I knelt down, I placed one hand at the center of her chest and placed the heel of the other hand on top and interlocked. I pressed down on her chest. I took a deep breath, sealed her nose, blowed steadily into her mouth. She was breathing even before the first aid people came with a defibrillator. She looked at me for a few minutes.

"Hi"

She was wearing a blue speedo swimsuit and her tummy was quite the same as mines. She noticed the similarity, but hers I guess, carries a baby. Mine would be a burger. Haha. She seemed lonely, and we both said. "kamusta". I smiled at her. It was weird looking at her eyes.  It has been a almost a decade. She still have this scary feature that I hate. She started crying, I wanted to hug her but I will always be on the right side. I am taken, she is married, No married hands on me. It was always been me, She asked me if I hate her. I said I would never hate you. "Do you still love me?". Well, I do, but not that kind of love that I used to feel when we were still together. It was more of a child, giving up her favorite doll. Things change. "Why did you left me?" To be honest. I can't remember. I really don't, but I loved you.  The ambulance came, they took her and carried her on the ambulance. I exited in a smooth pace. Suddenly a reporter came and asked my name, profession, etc. She thought I was a doctor. "Just watch youtube."

I almost died

My usual nights going home involves being upset and being hangry inside the bus. I honestly like my job now but the job is too much for one person. I just want to surrender in someones arms and get appreciation. I get lonely too people. I do.

Dying to go home to eat and sleep the madness. I am used to this. All I wanted was to lie on my bed and end the day. 

When I was crossing a street, I think it was 3 or 4 blocks away from home. I looked left and there was no vehicle passing, when I looked right a White Pajero was too fast I felt the side mirror hit my right arm. I don't know and I can't really remember if I was hit by the side mirror but I felt pain on my right arm for a few seconds. It could be a grab from my angels though. But I remember that I stepped backwards as fast as I can. 

The Pajero stopped and the driver looked at me as if I was wrong. It was a pedestrian lane dude. I blankly stared at him and felt a surge of adrenaline to shout. But I was damn tired and he drove away-FAST. I can't even remember his face. He didn't even say sorry. If I wasn't fast enough to step back I was already in the ICU for hitting his windshields. Or worst stepping back and another vehicle from behind hits me. Thank you lord, for saving me.

As I crossed the street in vain, restless, mad, tired, and hungry. 

The vehicle on the opposite street opened her windows and asked if I was okay. My god. Thank god for a witness. I answered back and said I was okay. But I honestly wanted to cry. Walking again for a few more blocks made me realize that there was no point in being weak. I am strong now, I will try not to depend on anyone. Because this city ain't for the weak! and so I almost died. I can't leave earth yet. 

I will survive. I shall buy my own car. Eventually. 

That roundabout.

I went to the same roundabout this afternoon with my best buddy. I suddenly remembered how miserable I was. That was December, 2012. I found myself crying and listening to My Immortal(Evanescence) inside the number 61 bus. 

I remembered that I was very upset with the result of my interview. It was the worst job offer I ever had in UAE. It broke my heart so bad, I end up buying a half gallon of Igloo ice cream for myself. 

My mother was very supportive, she came inside my room, asking how my interview went. I tried to hide. But when I was swallowing a spoon full of ice cream I started to break down. I have lost my focus. I have lost my confidence. I smirked while driving as I recall what happened. 

That roundabout reminded me of my 4th year in UAE. It reminded me that this was the country that accepted me at my worst. This country helped me find my strengths and potential to build my confidence back. I have changed. 

That roundabout no longer scares me, it doesn't haunt me anymore. In fact, it was just a sudden reminder that I can no longer hit the same state. I just wanna remember the good things that happened in my life. For I no longer want to keep any bitter memory of the past. I no longer linger what went wrong. I want to go on with my life. but the roundabout triggered my past. 

Feeling Irritated.

*warning this is a negative post.

*this is a rant

*do not read

Maybe because I am tired

Maybe because I feel hungry

Or Maybe because of your attitude

You are so selfish 

When I think of what happened 

How could you want something out of nothing?

Get hold of yourself. 

Spare me please from dramas

We both know I do not deserve it

Shitty flashbacks

Delayed reactions 

It makes me pissed right now

I hate this fucking cycle

So I end my night reminding myself

DO NOT EXPECT AT ALL

WALA

Wala na ung kinang sa mata mo pag nagkikita tayo noon

Wala na marahil napagod ka saakin

Wala kasi akong pinapakitang interes

Wala akong naramdaman ni isang pintig galing sa puso ko

Wala talaga dahil kahit ipilit ko

Wala dahil alam kong kaibigan kita.

Wala kasi takot ako mahalin ang isang kaibigan.

Wala kasi ayaw kita mawala.

Wala naman ako ginawa

Wala naman akong magagawa

Wala ka na rin naman saakin bilang kaibigan.

Wala naman akong dapat sabihin

Wala, basta kung san ka masaya.

Wala kasi masaya din naman ako. 

Wala, balewalaen naten ang lahat.

Wala kang pakialam

Wala akong pakialam

Wala. Akala mo lang meron

Pero, wala wala wala. 

Being selfish ain't bad sometimes.

I do not care if you find me fat.

I do not care if you find me annoying.

I do not care if you find me sarcastic. 

I do not care if you feel negatively about me. 

You know why? because I just do not care.

I refuse to care, because I can be happy in so many ways.

I am not dependent with anyone.

I am proud that I can be alone.

I will only care for those people who gives importance to me. 

I am tired, pulling myself down.

I am tired listening to judgmental people.

I will not listen. Because I don't care. 

I am saying this, because I really don't care.

I will save myself from people who doesn't care.

I do not care, simply because I love myself. 

So I don't care. It's better not to care. 

It's better not to be available for people who doesn't care. 

I am sick of people who needs you just because. 

I hate not being reciprocated. 

Which would mean, I do not care anymore. 

Magtigil

Hindi ko alam
Basta alam ko binigay ko ang lahat
Nasugal ko na ang ako
Hindi ko na talaga maitago

Katahimikan ng aking kalooban
Kinailangan kong pakinggan
Dahil pintig ng puso
Tilay di na buo

Pakiusap ng puso
Itigil na ito
Wala nang luha
Hindi na masaya
Pagkat itong puso ko ay manhid na

Ito ang kinakatakot ko
Ang mapagod at tuluyan ng sumuko
Paano ba mahalin ang isang tulad mo?
Kung ang sarili moy hindi mo mahal.

Do not Be afraid. Of me? haha!

I can get along with almost everyone, I know that for a fact that I can fit it in any crowd. It's just that I am at this age where my loyalty is too limited and let's just say I am very very very selective with people. I started to limit my presence and limit the numbers of friends I have since I came here in UAE. I don't wanna be Miss Congeniality 2016, it's just that friends are the extensions of family. So chose wisely.

1. I cannot stand being in the hot seat. I don't mind being talked about in a group. But grilling me and asking too much trivial questions irritates me. I am not in showbiz people. 

2. I don't like the "Kamusta? tumaba ka na." greetings. I don't say it to others because I don't wanna hear it too. LOL 

3. I never had a concrete barkada, I stay away from negatively odd people. Odd would mean people who are front stabbers, attention whores, etc. 

4. I only have 5 friends, well I think it is enough, ahh,, no 2? LOL 

5. I may look scary especially when I isolate myself, but trust me, I am friendly, I am approachable :D winkwink... 

Libreng Tanghalian.

May sariling mundo lang kayo noon. May sarili kayong lengwahe na kayo lamang ang nakakaintindi. Hindi ninyo kailangan mag kwento o magsalita, isang tingen ninyo lamang sa isat-isa, alam niyo na ang sinasabi ng bawat isa. Naramdaman ninyo iyon noon. Alam ko hindi mo sinasadya maramdaman iyon ng bigla, sapagkat sa totoo lamang, alam mong gusto mo iliko ang panandaliang alaala. Nakakatuwa na lamang hindi ba?

Subalit eto patuloy mong niloloko at nililiko mo ang nakaraan sa kasalukuyan, Tapos na iyon. Yun ang realidad. Tama ka, Ngunit sa huli, maiintindihan mo na hindi mahalaga ang material na bagay sa buhay, Mararamdaman mo na mas masaya ung parehas kayo ng nararamdaman kahit ito'y pawang kalokohan sa iba. Diba sabi ng iba "there is no such thing as free lunch". Naniwala kayo doon. Hanggat napatunayan ninyong meron pala talagang libreng tanghalian. Natawa ka habang kmakain ng lechon. Libre ang tanghalian mo. Masarap diba. Mahusay. 

Coincidence?

It is so funny how I foresee things and others can really make a notch out of it, or maybe we just have the same wavelengths and they just know how to use that creativity into a huge something. Funny how someone can speak your mind, and you look into their craft. Jeez, can he/she read my mind? What the heck. Did he/she red my blog or diary?

The thing here is, do something. I have been in this shell for quite some time.
So there goes NIKE - just do it!

Dear Dad

Kamusta ka na jan sa Qatar? To think ilang tambling lang papunta dito sa Dubai from Qatar. Minsan gusto ko sabihin na bisitahin mo naman ako. Kaya lang di ko na maintindihan na raramdaman ko saaten. Angyare? Para bang lahat na lang ng sabihin mo kahit sincere na yata, hindi ko maabsorb.

Iniisip ko kanina habang nagmamaneho ako pauwe. Parang kailan lang, high school ako, lagi mo akong hinahatid at sundo. Nung high school ako lagi akong late, sobrang bagal mo Dad pramis! Si Mother love naman ayaw nalalate. Late na nga ako pumasok, late mo rin ako sunduen. Eshada Mr Jorge..

Eto tamad pa rin ako mag drive. Ayoko talaga mag drive, Ikaw pa rin ang best driver. Ikaw pa rin ang the best kausap sa sasakyan. Andami mong alam Dad, from politics, ugali ng tao, how to manage people, things, the best ka mag advise. Nakikinig ako palagi sayo, proud ako namana ko sayo ung pagiging vigilant. Planning ahead, napaka technical/realistic mo sa lahat. Tska sobrang funny mo pa, kaya siguro na fall si mother love sayo. I think namana ko naman sayo yun. Naks, lol. Ikaw na malakas dating. Malakas dating, Verangaling!

Napansin ko rin mejo parehas tayo ng ugali pag namimili ng damit, gamit, anik anik, pag bibili ako ng bagay, lagi kong iniisip kung kelangan ko ba, talaga, saan, mura ba? Ok. Next time na lang. Nilalagnat din ako Dad pag maglalabas ng pera. Diko alam, bunso kasi siguro tayo, nasanay ng nililibre? binibili? Whatchutink? Nasanay tayong sinasabihan ng magagandang bagay, masaya na tayong pinupuri. Miski joke. haha! toink. Mababaw lang tayo. I mean, grateful lang sa mga bagay bagay.

Lagi tayong nag uusap noon noh? Araw at gabi. Pinagtatawanan pa natin si Mami pag trip mo siyang asarin. Pero at the end of the day, kay Mami ako nasama. Mami ko siya eh, bat ba. hehe! Kaloka noon ano? Bukas pala dadalw ka. Pinagppray ko na sana walang bad vibes. Nako dad, san ka kaya matutulog, sa kwarto ko or kay mami. Anlakas niyo pa man din mag hilik. :( Bahala na bukas! jusko anu na sira pa man din headset ko.

Pero gusto ko lang naman sabihin, thank you, sa lahat ng sakripisyong ginawa mo samen, parang kalahati ng buhay mo asa abroad ka, isang buwan ka lang nauwe kada taon,

Ang saya ko kasi nakasama kita ng 4 na taon. Nakilala kita di lang sa snail mails, voice mails at emails.At senior ka na nag ttrabaho ka pa, uwe ka na, mag alaga ka na lang ng apo.Love you architech jorge, alam ko hindi ko nanasasabi yon. Sabi nga ni Ronan Keating - when you day nothing at all. charot. anlabo.

See you bukas. Bawal manita.
kalma.

Berting - your unico IJO

Of course.

There will be one person who knows how to make you happy, effortless. 

He/she will look at you as if you are the best person in the world. 

This person will love you and your failures. 

This lover will accept your past and will create happy memories with you.

Thinking about this person can make you climb mountains and capture aliens. 

This person will share things with you and you know that this 

person doesn't like to share. 

This love doesn't care if you became thinner or thicker. 

He/She really knows what to say when you need comforting words

Respects you as a human and doesn't see you as an atm

There's a constant comfort when you see each other

Everything is in sync, consistent and almost perfect.

You do not care about anything else but this person. 

Sitting in silence, missing each other even when together. 

Have you ever felt perfectly in love? 

Talking About Forgiveness and Taking the High Road

There was this guy in my old department who loves to tease me. I do not mean to be rude but seeing him makes me pissed sometimes. I do not know if it was the kachupoy hair style or his thick one lined eyebrows. There was one day, I got used to the teasing and I rarely answer back. Because making patol is human, to make dedma is divine. I try to stay in my cool and most of the time I ignore him. He usually teases me by my eating habits at work, my shoes and weight gain.

When I got promoted, I rarely get to see him. But these days he always pass by my new department. Again, annoying face in the morning, trying to chit chat, then attacks my shoes or weight gain. One day, I couldn't take the teasing because maybe because I was hungry and pressured at work. My new colleagues heard the teasing.

"Good Morning July"

"Good Morning (I wasn't looking at him, I knew I was about to snap)"

"You are gaining too much weight"

"What the heck? you never lost weight since I met you, please? what do you care this is my body, I can afford food" (he smirked and walked away)

My colleagues, went dull and quiet seeing me growl and defend my fat state. They knew I was pissed. Don't you just hate people attacking your weight? I have a very long patience. I know the truth may hurt, but as a lady(yes I am a girl) and him constantly attacking me. What the hell does he want? People of the universe, what do you care about my weight gain? this is my body. I want to eat, I can afford to buy food. MYOB - mind your own business.

The last time I have checked, attacking me wont make anyone thinner or prettier. I just do not get the inappropriate attacks. I do believe in the verse "Do not unto others as you would have them do unto you". I keep myself quiet and tried to contain revengeful words, besides he is no thin to attack me frequently. I try to be very mannered and respectful, but he crossed a very thick line.

Decided that when I catch a glimpse of him, walk away and do not make an eye contact. I do not want to be bullied, humiliated and reminded of how I am gaining weight. He once tried to talk but I stood up and went to the toilet. I saw him in the pantry when I was about to get coffee, I walked away and took water on the other side of the pantry. He greets me one time and I didn't looked at him, or smiled or greeted back. It was a week of completely ignoring him. Then the other day, he cornered me on my table.

"July, what's wrong, you are not looking at me or greeting me back, are you upset with me?"

"Not really, But I just don't want you to ruin my day, as you always do by attacking my weight"

"I am sorry about what I said, We are colleagues July. Sorry again, have a great day"

"Fine, just try to filter what you say"(Looked at him and he gave me this pussy cat forgive me face).

I did not expect asshole to be that sincere. I hope the teasing stops there. I really hope not to get any bad vibes in the morning from him or anyone.

Adulthood is so strange, I just want to earn, sleep, eat and repeat.

Please lang, Bawal manita.

Silence

Call it MAGIC

I lost count, wait maybe it has been 7 or 8 years since I last saw her. During my first year life in Miriam College I admit she was one of my great friends, Until she transferred from BSBA - Marketing to International Studies. Eventually she left Miriam College to study at CSB. When she left katipunan, everything turned out to be a dust of memory, a memory of great younger years were we got busted in so many ways and we got so damn drunk at someone's place I can't even remember.

Those were the days, alright!

I admit I was a bit attached, because usually I keep my circle of friends small and intact. But sometimes, you know when things change, people change, feelings change. Change is very constant. Haha. Indeed. I guess, we have grown apart.

There were times my team mate, her ex gf by the way, were talking about her, whatever happened to Trish? Then we continue stalking her in FB. Oh she became a fashionista now, shopping with Megan Young and a lot of college celebrities. Her name is Trisha now, with an A. Trisha Velarmino. We even said that we can never get to talk and hang out with her like we used to. Then eventually, I have heard she became a travel blogger.

Finally she visits Dubai. I was not even nervous to see her, I was ready to be rejected and shrugged. But lo and behold, I didn't expect she would still recognize me. Call it Magic. I thought she would have this amnesia all of a sudden.. Deym! Trish you're still the same person I met! Humbled to be acquainted, again! I hope to see you soon. INSHALLAA!

                                                                       2005 and 2016 

                                        Photos taken before she gets into WIKIPEDIA. Haha! 

People, do read her blog ----- psimonmyway.com

NEO took the wrong pill?

In the movie Matrix, I remember NEO had a choice to take the red pill or the blue pill. The lesson here is to chose wisely.

I am sorry, self, I have been giving you stress. I have noticed the similarities long ago, I just kept quiet and it scares me. I thought of running away from it, a couple of times. It makes me unhappy to be honest. How dysfunctional It can turn out in time. How I am putting myself into a cycle that I am not built for. I brought myself into an imperfectly imperfect situation.

I have been asking myself, is this really working or I am just fooling myself?

I feel sorry while writing this. I wan't someone to fill this emptiness, can somebody fill sands to these bumps. I can't help but feel needy. I can't help but feel sorry. I am so sorry, self.

I am deep shit, maybe, I did took the wrong pill. I was suppose to feel happy today, But as usual, when drama happens the saga continues. I am tired of this shit. I know, my intuition is great. I am so sorry self. I am. 

They Will Never Change

I was watching MMK last week, it was about a single mom, who got married again and it turned out that the guy she married was a drug addict. There was a line there that said "Hindi na siya mag babago para sayo". I guess some things will never change. Choose wisely.

almost 30

I want to thank all of the people who remembered me on my 22nd(mental age) birthday! Lol.

My life eversince I came here in UAE has been filled with triumphs(not the bra lol) and challenges (professionally and personally).

I could not overcome the trials without the support of my family and the people who truly loves me despite of my mood swings(lol).

I am lucky that at this age to have formed new friendships and strengthen some of the old ones.

I can only wish another year to improve myself and become a better UNICORN.

I want to tag everyone but you guys might look into it as a game notification. Lol. Then again thanks!

Ps. Bawal manita ng mga tumataba at pumapayat. ‪#‎changeiscoming‬

Thanks sa ngangabels na photo Des! Perfek timing!

Lito

Hindi ko maintindihan ang aking nararamdaman ngayon. Gusto ko lamang, ng isang taong makikinig saakin. Isang taong kilala ako at mapapatahan ang aking kalooban. Noon nanay ko lang ang may kakayahang gawin iyon, Pero ngayong gabi, hinahanap hanap ko ang taong may kakayahan amuhin ako. Patahanin ang maingay kong kalooban, hindi ko manlang maiyak ang nararamdaman ko dahil nag labo labo na ang aking nararamdaman. Ang masasabi ko na lang. Kaya mo yan Lito Berting. Lito pala ang first name ko. Charot.

Punyeta. Galit at malungkot ako. 

Wait for it.

Greatness was never achieved by never failing.

I wanted promotion so bad. I was thinking of a better career because I know I can work hard for it. I just needed a plan. I wanted to be better. I want confidence back in my system and so I took Nebosh classes for me to be able to practice Health and Safety, I was thinking of being a HSEQ Inspector. I have read books that people can earn a lot in that profession. It took me 3 months of training, studying and ignoring everyone. I isolated myself. I wanted to be in the HSEQ Dept. I studied so bad, invested time and money. I prayed daily, I want it so bad, it was a 3000AED investment. I saved, like what I did on my driver's license which I took take one by the way haha at 5200AED NET!

AND after all the hard work. I flunked and it was amazing. AMAZING!

I didn't feel bad, a little cringe was there when I think of the money spent. A week before the results, I got promoted. Into a different department. It wasn't planned. It wasn't what I have hoped for. But God gave me something better. I may have lost money but I was happy for doing something rather than staying in my comfort zone. It doesn't matter anymore, when you fall you rise.

I will still try to take another retest or give nebosh another shot. We'll see, but for now Procurement courses are on!

Just wanted to share how God hears our prayers. We should trust God's timing because it is perfect! Never despair, if you don't get what you want, it may be because it will not be good for you or the timing is just not right yet. Plan for it, pray for it, and wait for it. :)

Hello Stranger(Teacher).

*this is a short story, made out of nowhere*

_____

I was so excited to go to my son's school. My son is ranked 1 at class, lucky me he got his mama's brains. I took Jude in the front seat of my car, I asked him what he want's for lunch after getting his class card. He immediately said, "Jollibee po mommy!". Yes, I like Jollibee too.

When I parked my car at his school. I asked Jude to direct me in his classroom. I was wearing this huge smile on my face. Who wouldn't be so proud? I saw his teacher from a far, I approached his teacher. To my surprise, she was smiling as well. 

"Well, Hell-law there, Teacher, How is my son?" 

She was laughing like a hyena, gasping for air. I couldn't stop smiling as well. My son approached me and said "Mommy?". I told my son to go play with his friends for a while while I deal with his teacher.

"Your son, Jude is a very smart boy, he is very kind and friendly as well" 

I answered proudly, of course like mother like son. the teacher gave the class card and gave me a weird look. 

"It was nice to see you Mrs. Veranga, keep up the good work"

I didn't replied back, instead I nod in silence.

____

"Mama! Mommy and I ate at Jollibee! for lunch" My child was looking at me happily as he was saved from his mother's organic veggie dishes. I gave him a wink for his cheat day.

My wife was sitting in the dining table, computing, using her calculator. I kissed my wife and she was smiling, like there was something that needs to be declared. My wife is so smart, sometimes I think she can read my mind. 

"San kambal?" She said they were doing their chores upstairs. Our beautiful stairs. 

"So how was Jude's teacher, was she pretty?" She gave me that sarcastic face she always do. I find it cute. 

"Mama?... Of course not. Bat ba ako pina kuha mo ng class card? I imitated her sarcastic face. 

"Your son has a huge crush on his teacher, I think both of you has the same taste" 

#facepalm 

I accidentally bought myself a tampon

It all started with a surprise meeting with my new boss. He asked me how was my training with the previous coordinator. He challenged me to open the shared folders etc. It was pure pressure as I barely know the procurement system. I was able to answer a few and I think I satisfied him. Fair enough. He was so kind, patient and he has this puppy angelic eyes, dear lord. I hope he gives me an increase.

On the other hand, the old coordinator seems to lose interest working and staying. I wish she can stay longer and train me til end month. Ugh. After my almost 3 hours training with procurement team, I went back to my department. Was training 2 guys, one nepali that kinda looks like Kobe Paras and an overly dressed egyptian who looks more arbab than my boss. funneh.

After my shift. I felt really, tired. Lord give me patience, I know great things starts from small beginnings. Did one hour over time at work. And shit I forgot it was my lady day, and it was good that my seat didn't have any stain. I ran to the nearest toilet and accidentally bought a tampon. I was laughing my stress out. I just couldn't. So yeah, what a day. The janitors was laughing at me as well.

Happiness is a choice. Remember when you go out of work, let go of everything and live a normal life. Party lang.

Tampons? 

Most of the time.....................especially at NIGHT

Most of the time 

I no longer feel empty 

No more crying, wishing and hoping

I feel like I am holding on a thread

Our time is like grasping sands

The more you try to keep it

the faster it runs through your fingers

She says she loves me

then  I reply I love you too

It is a remix

If you forgot your lines and emoticons

Prepare yourself.

There's no need for ECG to hear a beat

No weird thuds in my chest 

even when I hear her name 

As the day goes by

we let the sun go down

Good bye is all I can think of at night

No more extension of patience 

when I pray, this is what I fear for. 

especially at NIGHT.

Thank you LORD

Ito na yata ang isa sa pinaka masayang araw ng buhay ko, ng tawagin ako ng boss ko sa kalagitnaan ng trabaho para sabihing Procurement Coordinator na ako. Hindi ko talaga inaasahan ang lahat. Iba kasi talaga ang hiniling ko kay Lord,. Iba ang inaasahan ko. At hinigitan pa niya ang plano ko. Hindi ko inaasahan ang oportunidad na ito. Ang sarap balik balikan ang mga pangyayari kanina. Lahat ng pagod ko, lahat ng insecurities ko, lahat ng iyak ko kakadasal - kakarosaryo nadinig ni Lord. Sobrang pag iigihan ko po Lord, natatakot ako pero gagawin ko ang lahat. Kakayanin ko ang lahat. Salamat.

Song of the day

I hate u, I love u
Gnash feat Olivia O'Brien

Feeling used
But I'm
Still missing you
And I can't
See the end of this
Just wanna feel your kiss
Against my lips
And now all this time
Is passing by
But I still can't seem to tell you why
It hurts me every time I see you
Realize how much I need you

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

I miss you when I can't sleep
Or right after coffee
Or right when I can't eat
I miss you in my front seat
Still got sand in my sweaters
From nights we don't remember
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too, and
I'm always tired but never of you
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit
I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit
I type a text but then I nevermind that shit
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit
Oh oh, keep it on the low
You're still in love with me but your friends don't know
If u wanted me you would just say so
And if I were you, I would never let me go
I don't mean no harm
I just miss you on my arm
Wedding bells were just alarms
Caution tape around my heart
You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn't and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on
Everyone I do right does me wrong
So every lonely night, I sing this song

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

All alone I watch you watch her
Like she's the only girl you've ever seen
You don't care you never did
You don't give a damn about me
Yeah all alone I watch you watch her
She's the only thing you've ever seen
How is it you never notice
That you are slowly killing me

I hate you I love you
I hate that I love you
Don't want to, but I can't put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I'll never be her

Stop the machine

I came to a point where I needed solitude and just stop the machine of thinking and enjoying what they call living, I just wanted to lie in the grass and look at the clouds.

Jack Kerouac, Lonesome Traveler 

VENI VIDI VICI

Today is the 4th year, I came out of the closet by blogging this entry - Sana. I just read it and it still gives me the chills. Such a painful memory to recall. But it made me reflect about how things are. Well, a lot of things changed and I am very proud of myself  and what I have become, This is Berting 4.0. Haha!

I may not be successful for some negatrons out there, but to me I am still ze champion. Haha (Fighting Spirit max level ON). Nobody tells me what I can or cannot do, howkay?! Kebs. Sabi nga ni sister ko. SO WHAT!

Fours years ago, I have lost trust. I have lost my job for my ambition to put up a business. I have lost friends that I thought I could lean on. I have failed as a business person. I have failed in so many aspects and I felt my face on the floor a lot of times by trying to believe a lie. I cried a lot. I wanted to die.

But at the end of the dark tunnel, I saw and met great friends and surrendered myself to my family. I learned to let go and let god. Time will pass, everything will be healed, everything will all be a memory of good times.

Then you will learn to love again. I am very happy now. :) ayikeeee.. Hi Sikya!

So again, things change, people change, feelings change.

Veni Vidi Vici Verting. Whut. Party.

I Have Decided to STOP

Change

There was one morning

I looked into your eyes
you where shining
like a flag beyond the horizon
standing tall, waving, proud

You said, "we will make it"
It sounded like forever 

It has been more than a year
And now I see you shrugging 

eventually laughing 

making it sound like nothing

In deed, things change, people change
her feelings change.

I have met a lot
Learned a lot
Yet I see flashbacks of how
people used to be

Always, is such a sweet word

I will always remember
those were the days

Always. Everyday. Funny.

LSS for this week

FIRST LOVE - Utada Hikaru

Saigono kissu wa
Tabako no flavor gashita
Nigakute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni irun darou'
Dare wo omotte 'run darou'

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dare kato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Imawa mada kanashii love song
Atarashi uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugoki dasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anata wo omotte 'run darou'

Yay yay yeah

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Imawa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dare kato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song yeah
Now & forever ah...

• 
  

When everybody expected me to weep

There was a day,
They all expected me to weep
To tell you honestly
I have lot's of things to do
and it doesn't include what you are thinking
But I don't mind talking about it
In fact I cannot remember anything about it

So? Coffee?
meh not interested with networking. HAHA!

*insert music*

WILD THING - TONE LOC

Let's do it

Workin' all week

9 to 5 for my money

So when the weekend comes

I go get live with the honeys

Rollin' down the street

I saw this girl and she was pumpin'

I winked my eye, she got into the ride

Went to a club was jumpin'

Introduce myself as Loc

She said, "You're a liar"

I said, "I got it goin' on baby doll

And I'm on fire"

Took her to the hotel she said

"You're the king"

I said, "Be my queen if you know what I mean

And let's do the wild thing

Wild thing

Wild thing

Shoppin' at the mall

Looking for some gear to buy

I saw this girl she cool rocked my world

And I had to adjust my fly

She looked at me and smiled and said

"You have plans for the night"

I said, "Hopefully if things go

Well, I'll be with you tonight"

So we journeyed to her house

One thing led to an other

I keyed the door, I cold hit the floor

Looked up and it was her mother

I didn't know what to say

I was hanging by a string

She said, "Hey, you two, I was once like you

And I liked to do the wild thing"

Wild thing

She loved to do the wild thing

Wild thing

Please, baby, please

Posse in effect

Hangin' out is always hype

And when me and the crew leave the shindig

I want a girl who's just my type

Saw this luscious little frame

I ain't lyin' fellas she was fine

The sweet young miss go gave me a kiss

And I knew that she was mine

Took her to the limousine

Still parked outside

I tipped the chauffeur when it was over

And I gave her my own ride

Couldn't get her off my jock

She was like static cling

But that's what happens

When bodies start slappin' from doin' the wild thing

Wild thing

She like to do the wild thing

Please, baby, please

Wild thing

Doin' a little show at the local discotheque

This fine young chick was on my jock so I say what the heck

She want to come on stage and do her little dance

So I said, "Chill for now but maybe later, you'll get your chance"

So when the show was finished I took her around the way

And what do you know she was good to go without a word to say

We was all alone and she said, "Tone, let me tell you one thing

I need 50 dollars to make you holler, I get paid to do the wild thing"

Say what

Yo love you must be kidding

You're walkin' babe

Just break out of here

Hasta la vista baby

Wild thing

Songwriters

MATT DIKE, ANTHONY T. SMITH, MARVIN YOUNG

Read more: Tone Loc - Wild Thing Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Name my laptop?

And this is my first entry with my new lappy, I haven't named her yet, but in time I will find out. :)

I would like to thank myself, for working hard and buying myself a new laptop.

Congratulations to myself for not asking my parentals, my sister and my gf to buy me a laptop. LOL

Well hello to independence and financial stability(not quite/I think so).

*It is not the most expensive laptop but I am damn proud I BOUGHT IT! YIEAHHH! 

I bought a wireless mouse as well. So coolness. 

What Do You Men(Mean) my Friend? *pun included

Dear, you said it has been 6 years. On the other hand, she murmured I want to settle down
and be secured. From that day on I could've known, I didn't see it coming. But I once knew it will come.

I see you're her weakness. Both of your were very in sync and always together. It was obvious that she wasn't able to fly early, because you refrained her from leaving. She was too dependent on you. But you were a weakness. A weakness that she could've ignored along time ago.

And now you're telling me, after all these years. To give my mother at least a daughter? What do you mean? Do you think I want a son as well? What? me? with men?

What are you trying to say my once good friend? Should I leave and let go of this love and be like you? Is that what you mean? Aren't you being mean?

Then you invite me in your future wedding.

Eventually you tell me the other girl you loved is still in love with you.

You got me so confused and upset.

What do you mean?

My first entry for the year 2016!

Well Hello, world, rather the universe. :) Haha!

This year I will be in the tail end of my 20s. Two more years and the best has yet to come. A lot of things changed and I am fascinated how things change. As I browse the people I know on facebook, well, I have come to realize that you will know who your reals friends are.

Note to myself. You're young, You're awesome, somebody is looking at you, waiting for your to make a mistake, whatever. You are living in a wonderful city. Enjoying and loving yourself. You have a loving family and a partner.

ANYHOW, I made a second blog site alwayshungryberting.blogspot.com - feel free to catch my food trips and travels with the help of using the entertainer vouchers.

I am also looking forward for promotion in a HSEEQ Position. I just need to take Nebosh classes, which by the way I will be taking in the end week of this month. HOOO! This is actually my plan B, my plan A is at the back of my mind.

Note to myself. If plan A fails, remember there 25 more letters.

Plan plan plan. Keep planning.

1. PATIENCE will my best virtue.
2. I will get drunk less often. haha! or maybe not drink at all.
3. I'd rather go to bed or be in a yoga class
4. More yoga practice - I actually want to touch my toes from a standing position, perfect the downward dog pose and perform the chaturanga the right way!
5. Travel more - looking forward to go to Korea with the love life. I wanna go to Maldives, Georgia and Turkey.
6. Write more
7. SAVE SAVE SAVE
8. Drink more juice
9. Maintain the ambassador of good vibes feeling
10 Lean a new language or perhaps learn more arabic
11. Join a basketball team
12. FORGIVE
13. Try to join a charity event
14. bake more
15. learn how to cook
16. I need to buy a laptop
17. read more boooooooks
18. Learn how to play the ukelele
19. get a life insurance
20. Invest in stocks or condominium
21. TRY ACTING LESSONS OMG