To The girl that used to be my Best Friend

I honestly do not know how to express my feelings for you, I thought about you a couple times for some unknown reason. But it doesn't mean that I want you back, but it was more of, I do not know if you have forgiven me already but thank you for all the times I've spent with you. The countless memories are very bitter sweet to me, but I guess this is how one looks back at friendships that no longer exist, right? 

I wonder sometimes if you feel the same. Thank you so much for the times when you made me forget my worries and persuaded me to enjoy each moment. You were like my mother, a teacher and the best supporter of mine, even when it felt like no one was on my side. 

I do not wish to be friends again, because that is like going to the sea when you do not know how to swim, but I wish that somehow, perhaps through this blog(chismis), word of mouth kumbaga....... my silent whispers would reach you that I miss you. Damn I do, because we were always on each other's side, Bim.

Weight on my shoulders

Few days back, my nephew jumped onto my back, making my upper back and shoulders numb for a day. The pain is excruciating, I can't barely hold a glass using my right arm. Fortunately my auntie, Mami Taba, the older sister of my dad is with us here in Pasig and she is very good in doing some "traditional hilot"(massage). 

I was trying not to shriek, as the pain was unbearable. Akala ko nabalian ako ng buto sa totoo lang. 

While she was massaging me, she said noticed the square face I have been these past few days. She said all of a sudden "wag ka na malungkot nini, kelangan mo mag move on na ha?" 

I replied with an "Aray, aaaraaay, kooooooo Mamiiii". She then placed a salonpas on my back. Giving my back a cool/hot sensation. Eventually, I thanked her for the comfort I felt after the massage and gave her a kiss. 

Went back to my room. Locked the door and my feelings are racing. My head is spinning, pounding. I miss my mom, her dear smiles, her loud laughs. I miss how she makes things okay. But behind my grieving stage, behind all my tears of losing the best person that I love. I also miss the person who  unexpectedly broke me into pieces. My soul mate, suddenly become my worst nightmare. Losing her made me realize that no matter how much I try to get mad at her, my heart still beats for this person and it sucks. 

But yes, I have to move on. Mami Taba was right(auntie). I ended my day sobbing in bed, I can't even understand my feelings whether if I was crying for mom or my ex, or might it be the same, or might be all of my feelings towards 2020. 

Forgiveness. Tao lang ako. Tao lang sila. Pero bakit sobrang sakit naman?

Anyhow, today, my back feels a little okay. I still wanted Mami Taba to do some magic on my shoulders. As I sat on the floor, she was massaging me and she said....

"Isipin mo na lang yung magagandang bagay na ginawa niya nini, mahirap ung galit ka, patawarin mo sarili mo, siya din, madami din naman siyang naitulong siguro, nakakalungkot la-ang dahil antagal niyo na hano, saka siya bumitiw, pero ung magaganda na lang isipin mo, ganon talaga anak". I tried not to breakdown in front of her, I tried not to, but a tear fell on my face. 

Why such weight on my shoulders Berting? 

As I write this blog. I want to forgive myself. I forgive her and everyone who did me wrong. I will forgive. I will choose to forgive and let go of my suffering. I want to become my true self. I will allow to forgive myself, I will live in the present, I will free my self from suffering, I will free myself from pain, I will allow myself to let go. I forgive myself for holding on to this suffering. I will allow myself to heal from my pain and suffering. I am worthy of the freedom, I am worthy of the peace forgiveness brings. I will let go of all the hate, anger and resentment. I will free my self from this burden, I will be free. I release myself. I will be at peace. I will understand and practice compassion towards others. I love myself and all that I am so I will chose to forgive so that I can have this peace. I forgive myself. I forgive all. I will forgive. 

I will chose to forgive and let go. I will make peace of those who have been hard on me. I will allow myself to forgive others. I will forgive. I will let this go. I will forgive because I love myself. This is me letting anger go. This is me moving on. This is me releasing the weight on my shoulders. 

expired

It took me a while to set my mind straight. The anxiety and confusion has been a handful for me to carry since I last saw you. But just so you know, I am now okay even after knowing that you refused to take me back.

I understand that my intentions does not spark hope to you any more, and it's okay. Maybe you are right, we are not a match.

If my dreams do not give any relevance to yours, well it was only what I have yet to offer.

If my feelings for you aren’t strong enough, I wouldn’t beg you to stay.

And if you must see your ex gf again along with your potential partners, I just have to understand that and let go.

I have cherished you in ways you will never know and yes, I figured you’ll never appreciate them. Instead you tell everyone I fucked you over and over. Still, I let love flow in me, and still I was not able to win your heart and give you a ring, there’s nothing that I regret. I have given more than what I was ought to give. It was a fair fight I have braved.

Thank you for leaving me at my worst... I really tried and bended just not to break. I over extended myself just for you. We had our fair share of mistakes but I was the only one forgiving them in the end. I didn't know you kept them, while I was trying to be a better person for you but thank you. I'll be a better person for myself and I learned that I can love that hard and I can forgive too.

I did my best, I did, to keep and fight our relationship but in the end that love of mine is not enough for you to stay with me. Letting you go and accepting the fact that we are not meant for each other will make me more strong and will give more opportunity to explore life with different path to take.

As I let go of those hands that I once dreamt of holding for a lifetime, I gave you the freedom to find your happiness. I still firmly believe that love will complete whatever that’s been missing in you but perhaps you need it from someone else.

For that, I stopped texting you, I did not call you anymore. l stopped looking at our videos and photographs that I have on my phone.

The love I wished to share with you, this time, I will give back to myself. Maybe someday, I will be able to free myself from your painful love.

But if, one day, you find yourself wanting me back, please understand that I won’t come back… if you still don’t intend to love me back.

My Daily Struggles.

I can’t believe it happened, we saw the worst versions of us. I can’t believe the pain that I am feeling right now, losing my mother and at the same time losing all the means of love for this person I chose to be with. 

It scares me, that I might not be able to see her anymore. AND it also hurts me that I might have to let go soon. Letting her go, makes my heart cringe, I know it would hurt a lot. But how do you heal in such situation? Knowing that she was a constant reminder of how I lost my mother?  

Can anyone but her help me in my distress? all I want is to remove this stress? I know she is hurting too. But how do you heal in such a demeaning situation? I am in pain....

It has been almost every day trying not do self-harm. Thinking about all the things she said over and over again. Do I even deserve them? Do we deserve them? Or do we deserve to forgive? Deserve pa ba namin yon?

I don't trust her most of the time. I honestly don't know how to work on that. I do not know how to settle on this anymore. I just hope, god can help me as I am always on distress. 

 

 

MOM Kulit

Dear Mom,

I thought about you when I was driving in 311 this afternoon, Mj and I delivered 2 cakes. Ansaya noh, soon gagawen ko ung dream naten to start a cake business and work on events.

Anyway, naisip ko ung kulit mo if you want to suggest a route. AND most of the time you were competing with Kiki's GPS(GPRS tawag mo). Kyot mo forever. Remember when, me, Mj & Cyndot? when we were going to Al Qudra? Grabe energy mo to insist and blame me in a cute way. Sa pagod mo, KO ka agad sa camp, without even eating dinner.

Mom, that was 2 years ago, December 1, you were insisting na mali talaga ung GPS, that I could've followed you instead. But it was fine Mom, you gotta accept that tama naman ung route ni Kiki. Just that you wanted me to follow a route na mejo off na to go to and follow. But thank you for always interfering, and trying to let me know I am wrong, but most of the time, madalas haha mali ka po.

But I love you and and kulit kulit kulit mo. Sorry if I hurt you when you think that I don't listen to you. Just that, my route was better than your usual routine that time. I listen to you, all the time. I try not to be rude when you're being authoritative. But Mom, you have to let me go too. Thank you for guiding me always. It's just hurting to know that I've lost you all of a sudden. But I will try to move on Mom. I will try to remember the good ones always. I LOVE YOU EVERY DAY!

Valid thoughts at 530AM

I have my own mind. I am indeed the CEO of my life. I decide who to fire and hire in my life. AND What I feel is valid, you have been testing my patience since we have been together. I have all the reasons to hate you but my heart is too kind, too giving for this love. 

I think this is the sign that I have been waiting for, I am angry an depressed how you treat love differently. I think you are about to return to your original self. Where love is conditional and controllable. Today is a moment of sudden and great revelation of realization, that I am somewhat slowly being happy, hurting and healing at the same time. 

H.E.R. - Hard Place

Wanna believe what you say

But I hate you on most days
You've been testing my faith and my patience, yeah
And you know that I be head strong
But you know that you be dead wrong
Telling me to relax when I'm reacting

But I, I'd rather fight
Than lose sleep at night
At least you're all mine
And if I have to choose
My heart or you
I'm gonna lose, yeah

What if nothing ever will change?
Oh I'm caught between your love and a hard place
Oh I wish there was a right way
I'm caught between your love and a hard place, oh
Whoa, oh oh whoa, oh oh whoa, oh oh whoa

Do I even have a choice when
I'm gonna have to pick my poison
Yeah you hurt me so good, it's so good
And even when you 'cause tears
You're the one who wipe them away
Maybe that's the reason I stay, I stay

But I, I'd…. 

Guilt

 I hope none of you get to feel what I feel right now. Devastated, betrayed and broken. Trying to survive every morning, ignoring the fact that I am not okay. Not even a single hello was there after all the skits and play. All acted like it never happened, all deserves a standing ovation. 

I think it was a good show.

I hope you all know that. 

Guilt, is what I feel everyday prioritizing our friendship. Thinking that these friends would help me fix some of me rather than being stabbed literally behind. 

Guilt is what I feel, thinking I wasn't deserving for someone's love. While you all found refuge in my broken space. 

Was there even any slightest touch of guilt, when you all stabbed me and as as replacement you all showered me with your distress. 

Was there guilt? knowing that you all played safe while I was in pain?

Guilt, was there any guilt in your veins? No none? 

And no matter how much I try to validate my hate for all of you. 

I can't bring back the most important person in my life and I am sad that I prioritized all of you when all you did was stab me. 

 

Pag Mahal Mo

wrote this last November 22 2019

ayoko ng showbiz, sa totoo lang, ayokong snasayang ang bawat minuto ng aking buhay para alamin ang istorya ng buhay nila. pero isang beses, nabulaslas niya bigla, sa bibig niya na mismo nanggaling.

hindi niya mapapalitan ang nakaraan niya.

nais kong magbigay ng saloobin at iparamdam sknya ang pait ng aking dnaramdam. ngunit pagod na ako at magsalita noong gabing iyon o magbigay ng opinion. paano mo nasasabi ang mga ganyan kung ikaw din naman ay makasarili?

nasabi ko na lamang sa aking sarili, sana nga, naramdaman niya ang hinagpis ko. hindi ko alam kung nag mamaang maangan siya. ang alam ko, pag mahal mo anjan pa din. hnd nasuko. gusto kong isipin na tunay pa rin ang kanyang nararamdaman kahit minsay inakala kong nasaakin ka nga ngunit ang puso moy sknya pa rin.

pinili kong manahimik. kasi mahal kita at gusto ko matapos na itong kahibangan na narramdaman ko. kahibangan nga ba ito o talagang mapaglaro ang tadhana, bakit hindi matapos tapos ang linya ng kapalaran niyo.

ayoko na isipin. pero nakakagalit nga naman buklatin ang nakaraan.

pakyu ka tlg justine beeber.

I was upset, and It was petty serious.

To be honest it was too petty, but I just felt to express the real me. I haven't entertained this attitude for quite some time. But I was totally upset last night. When I am upset I become uncommunicative, and I want to be alone. I don't want to argue, I tend to be cold, distant and tense until I no longer feel pain. 

5th of JULY

Since Mom died, I promised myself not to entertain negative thoughts. I do not even have time to think of all the people who did me wrong. But today being the over emotional person that I am right now. I was really hoping and still imagining myself to walk out of the hospital with my ever smiling Mom in good health and fully recovered from covid19. Then we would go out and eat shabu-shabu or kfc as promised.  

May 24, 2020, I received a dreadful call by 4:19AM. Doctor told me she had her 3^rd cardiac arrest and died at 4:10Am, she didn’t make it. Tears started falling, I heard my sister cried on the other line as we were on a three-way call. I felt an arrow punctured my heart hearing my sister cry and I was  trying to absorb that my mom didn’t make it. 

Thousand things ran in my mind, of all people, why my Mom. There are a lot of bullshits out there, 

I didn’t get to hug her when she was struggling inside that hospital. We didn’t get to hold her hand when she was in pain. Our family is hurting. I am hurting so bad as I was the one who decided to bring her to the hospital when I saw her panting & struggling to breathe. Nobody said it was this harsh. I thought it was just a one-week isolation. She can make it; I knew she can. 

I want to pin point at someone, someone should be liable for this madness. Whoever started this Covid19 bullshit?? I ask the Lord, politely, how come God? My mom was about to retire, she was about to live her life with her grandchildren and travel with my sister and dad. My mom was just in her room. I barely make any contact with her. But why my mom? I am so pissed with myself and the universe. Everyone loved my mom.

I try to raise it all to the lord. All the pain and guilt. I ask for God for strength and forgiveness while I questioned all his plans. God please, can you explain this, God what was the reason for this please? Knowing that the most loving person in my life was taken from me. I couldn't stop blaming myself. This is all my fault. I could’ve done better, rather than calling the ambulance. It all boils down to me. Now people kept on asking me. What happened July? Paano niya nakuha yon?

I wanted to say putang ina naman, hindi ko alam, satingen niyo mababalik ko pa si mommy sa ganyang tanong? Is that a proper question? I was positive too, I did my best.  But I kept on saying, I do not feel comfortable with that question.

I sincerely hope none of you have to go through this bad situation with a loved one. I advise you make the most with your parents, make time and make peace with them as Losing a parent is indeed the most painful thing one has ever have to experience. Losing an ex lover is nothing but compared to a painful cracked ingrown nail. 

Losing my Mom in this situation is like losing my own heart.  Next time you wonder if it's really that important to wear a mask and gloves when you're in public remember that it is not just your health that you need to be considerate of. I am sharing my story in hopes that it encourage others to be very careful and take care of themselves and their loved ones. By far this is the most painful entry I've had to do. 

And again my only wish for my birthday is a reset button for 2020. I hope somebody can tell me that this is all a dream, that this is just a prank, a very bad prank. I love you mom, everyday, it sucks to lose you at this time. 

Starting from today, my blog will be different.

Yesterday, I had a word with my partner and told her that I write best when in agony. To be honest I never thought of making this blog as a source of anyone’s information for self-help. I intended to use this blog as a tool to move on from my past / bad experiences. This is my ranting space. I own this. I love reading it and writing on it. 

This blog helped me release my inner beast whenever I felt I had to speak up or when I forgot to speak during an incident. I even wrote my coming out post in this blog.

Anyhow, I would like to refurbish and reintroduce my blog, this blog, akosiberts, by making it as a daily/weekly/monthly “experience” with a reflection to be more positive in any situation. This blog will not be biblical, as I do not want to tackle any religious beliefs that might contradict any situation. Partly I am not really religious, but more of spiritual. Although, I may put some biblical verses occasionally.

To wrap this up. I do hope you can relate to my future posts and learn from it wherever you may be.J

#happykidfromsharjah

PIKON AKO. NAPIPIKON NA AKO.

May nakapag sabi sa akin na ang pinapatupad ng Phil Health ay maikukumpara sa isang robbery in broad daylight. Gusto kong magalit dahil ang dating contribution na PHP 2,400 kada taon ay ngayong magiging 3% ng iyong monthly basic salary. 

Nung kinocompute ko ang halagang babayaren ko aabot siya ng PHP21600 at nabasa ko pa na tumataas annually ang mandatory payment na ito. Ayoko na mag compute dahil may binabayaran pa nga akong property.

Gusto kong maging optimistic lalo na sa nangyayare ngayon. Dahil ang iba nating kababayan ay kasalukuyang NO WORK / NO PAY NGAYON. Ang iba pa nga ay nangangailangan talaga ng ayuda. 

Speaking of AYUDA, wala kaming natanggap. Kami pa naman ang modern day hero ika nga ng bansa, kami pa ung less priority. Anyhow. Grateful pa din ako kasi ung kumpanya ko ok pa sa ngayon at ay ipon ako kahit papaano. 

Pero sige, anu nga ba mapapala namen sa mandatory contribution??? 

Mabuti yung mga employed sa Pilipinas hati ang empleyado at employer sa contribution.

Samantalang kaming OFW papasanin mong mag isa. Sa isip ko lang, bakit ko ipapasan ang hospital bills ng mga pasyenteng hindi naman nagcocontribute sa pondo? tska bakit sila nakakaboto! dapat talaga tax payers lang nakakaboto dibaaaa??!  

Isa pa, kaming mga OFW hindi naman nakikinabang sa Philhealth dahil wala naman KAMI JAN! 

HALLER! Bakit ko babayaran ng Philhealth magagamit ko ba dito yaaaaan?! Magagamit ko ba yan pag umuwe ako? ipprioritize ba kaming OFW jan??? WHAT! answer!!!

Pangalawa, meron naman akong health insurance dito! Fully comprehensive pa. Anhin ko yan???

Hay Phil health, Phil Govt. at this point gusto ko si Pangulong DU30 sumagot. 

Tatay Digs, Gatasan ba kami ng pondo? wag naman ganon. Gusto ko pa mag ka family, gusto ko pa mag ka anak.(Drama aside). 

Bakit di kayo gumawa ng ibang paraaan? bawasan ang pondo ng kanilang mga opisina para ipondo sa Philhealth. Bakit naipasa ang batas na yan na walang konsultasyon sa mga OFW???? 

Maganda sana ang layunin na ito, para gumanda ang Health Care system ng pinas, pero hindi maganda ang paraan ng pagkalap ng pondo.

Ang masaklap pa nito, iinteresan ang di mo nabayarang contribution at may penalty pa. Higit sa lahat di ka bibigyan ng OEC kung hindi ka nakabayad.

SO AYON? Bakit parang kasalanan namen??? 

nakakapikon. pikon ako, minsan nahihirapan nakong maging proud to be pinoy. 

Bbye Social Media

Sad and bothered to say that I have to let go of all of my social media accounts.

I guess for now, or in an indefinite time. I suppose I might open them occasionally. I will surely miss all of them.

The reasons for leaving would be the ff.

1. I have become addicted to them and finally decided to log out. Occupies my whole being kind of thing. 

2. As someone so dear to me told me that I have become an attention seeker using my "Social media platforms". It upsets me, 100%. Given the fact that my accounts wasnt even used to take advantage of anyone or flirt anyone or even contact an old flame. Jeez. Always, unruly and not fair judgement. btw. hurtful.

3. Deeply annoyed with tiktok posts lol

4. I have forgotten my priorities, like laundry, bills, cat food, groceries etc. #slightlysarcastic

5. it upsets me 😆 in so many ways...

So bye for now. 😣 people can still call me on my mobile 😆 ok im sociable enuf. ok yes. ugh.

Bitaw

Kelan ka ba dapat sumuko?
Pinaalala mo ito sa iyong sarili.

Paulit ulit mong sinabi
Mahal ko siya.
Ngunit ang naririnig mo ay
Patawad.

Hostage Taker in GH - Happened 2 days ago.

IMO. 

First of all, kudos to our PNP team, I recall the hostage crisis way back and to me this in an improvement. 

No one was harmed. No comedy on responding. 

Second, we need to learn as Filipinos from this event is that it can happen again. I suggest the govt(meow) to make a move or create standards for every business establishment to adopt a protocol on how to keep their employees safe in all terms(Financially, Mentally, Physically, Musically, all of the adverbs you can find)

This guy is a victim of our poor system, struggling against capitalism and corruption. He's fed up. He simply wanted to be heard. However, irrespective of the circumstances of this guy's dismissal. He shot someone and took hostages. This should not be allowed to platform any grievances in public after surrender.

My emotions are honestly, mixed between a sad reflection of our society and in rage, which makes me want to validate my intent to stay overseas. I dont know why I feel guilty but he couldve gone to Idol Raffy Tulfo instead of making a scene. If I was rich, daughter of an affluent actor/actress/politician/philantropist/genius billionare, I could've taken this person into consideration and hire him. There's this part of me that want't to heal others with empathy. My imagination. 

To wrap this up, I hope an pray that everyone can look at things positively when the shit hits the fan. Instead of blaming others, why don't we think of ways to mitigate. Be grateful. Plan. Work for it and pray for it. After all we are all humans. I still hope MR Security Guard is in a safe place, also I am sure he is facing some serious offences for his drama. What the hell is wrong with 2020. 

#prayfortheworld 

When someone betrays you.

It is a reflection of their own character. People characterize other people by their actions.

Today I realized, that someone so close to me, transformed into someone I could hate. I sat and watched this "show" a couple of times now, and maybe, I am still waiting for it to return to its original state. I might be indenial as I ignore the facts. Anyhow, I am getting annoyed now. I can take a joke, but I do not like is disrespect disguised by a joke.

Just because youre in "it" now, youre too cool enough to do whatever you want? GANON? whatever happened to brotherhood. Did you ever thought that you might hurt other people?

I am caught in between ignoring your full existence or punching your face to make you land on earth. Laki na ng ulo mo. Id rather ignore you for now. So go on and live your lie. If i were you I wouldnt live in yout truth either.

#talkshit #ivalueloyalty

Anyare.

So what happened? Somebody asked.

I could’ve stayed as a friend. I spent 3 years, with her and as far as I can remember I have failed to choose her every day. I could’ve not let myself fall for her. I have read this quote that you deserve a love that speaks to your soul, I mean a love that feels like home and then that thought escalated to – there will come a time that you’ll wonder if there was someone who has really made to love you, better.

To be brutally honest, I never thought of having someone else but her. I was purely in love with her flaws and imperfections. I settled everything with her, that I will have a family with her. I will have kids with her. However, every time we fight, she will always have the final say and she would always say that there will be someone else better than her. So I can definitely shut our relationship. Her tone, when upset, would always be, 90% of her insecurity and 10% is all about how she can wash her hands when she was really the one to be blamed.

She would always want me to choose her, even if she was the one causing the stress and drama to us. She would always find ways to make my success a dreadful feeling. It was always really, negative and too toxic. It was damn hard to love her in long distance.

I would always decline the accusations that there is no one that I am interested of. Until one day I realized. She might be right, it was a fool’s task, daily for me to fight hard for her and make myself stay with her. I can’t remember when or how, but there was a time I cried myself to sleep and I was only occupied on myself. I did want to be with her, I really wanted to choose her, but months passed I started to choose her, less. But I still stayed.

I am always grateful for the companionship. I had dreams. Etc laughter and all. It was obvious that she became reserved. Which I always felt that I do not deserve. I also noticed that I can’t be me when I am with her. I do not understand if it was immaturity of me or she’s too matured for me. Until there was a friend, who seemed to enlightened me, who seemed to love me as I am. She showed me that I was not to be blamed in our messy relationship. It was so easy to be with her She gave me the attention I never had with Ms 3 years. I can be me with her, we hare the shame jokes and puns. We share issues without any hesitation. There was no sugar coating. I was the priority.

HOWEVER. That friend. Wasn’t really in love with me. She didn’t choose me. She was immature in some areas of her life. It was too complicated with her. I guess it was meant to be broken. It made me ask myself.

Why Am I choosing my partner today? if we cannot find any answer, we dig deeper, we all have our disconnected and sumpong days. If the heart says, I just freaking do. Then stay and be happy. But do not let anyone, lead you into something that they cannot commit. Do not ever stay because you feel like nobody can ever love you anymore. Do not also, never ever, beg someone who doesn’t see your worth.

To summarize it all. I hope we all find our happiness. Because I know. I have.

Hiatus (HI YAH TUS)

I love and hate you at the same time. I am extremely grateful for the good times, I have met bad and great team mates. Team mates who became my brothers. I am extremely grateful for the injuries you gave me I think that humbled me, that led me to a realization to stick and stay on the ground. I have to let you go, finally, because I learned that theres more to life.

Leaving you made me better on things that I thought I couldnt. Thank you for being a part of me. The decision is not easy for me. It has proven tough for me, physically, mentally.

Even though my mind wants to do it, the limits of my body have prevented me to maintain and play at a consistent high level as I always expect from myself. Especially the last two years have been very difficult for me with recurring injuries and back pains. Need to lose weight too. 😂😣

Thank you... 🏀 

But the mind wins this time. It is time to let you go, again.

Bbye basketball at least for now, 2020.

See you maybe in 2021.

LET ME DRINK, my COFFEE.

It has been two days, since I started bringing my own sachet of coffee. I started doing this since, I noticed I am not able to finish a cup of coffee in the morning. I came in the office by 630 AM, since we have new timings. Those who come to work at 8am can go home by 5pm.
Isn’t that great! More time with my loved ones and cats!

I started fixing my desk, browsing some mails and unpacking ze lunchbox of mine; brought my food in the pantry, placed it in the fridge. So I saw MR HR from a far, I did not make any "EYE CONTACT". Although there were other human beings in the pantry, he said, All Filipinos do not greet “Good Morning”, initiating small conversation with me. 

My mind said, is this mockery at this time/morning. To be brutally honest. I do not like small talks. I immediately said that I am an introvert, and not all are Filipinos are like me. Some may react about me being an introvert, but honestly, maybe at work I am like this, come'on, it was almost 7am, we were too early for small talks in anything.

Let me process and drink my coffee. I could’ve joked this way. He was still talking, smiling, insisting. I didn’t argue. I just said, “good morning MR HR(code name lang)”, went out of the pantry immediately.

Anyhow, obviously, I was still loading, I am not being rude am I being rude? For completely ignoring his existence. Can I just say I just do not like being acquainted with loud, men? especially when my brain is not connected to my tongue, yet, due to incomplete coffee consumption. 

In short. LET ME DRINK MY COFFEE first hooman.

Let’s get to talking later. If I want to, If I see you, lalalala...

Bye. *sips not to hot coffee* *sighs* *gahhhh* 

Denial

On rare cases, I did.

Think about you.

You’ve changed me a lot.

I miss the kindness you have shared.

You as a whole, was my everything.

And as much as I want to say hello,

My heart immediately says no….

Because you, we, are in a better place now.

And we shouldn’t bother at all.

Even though we are with someone new.

There are times I still, I still, accidentally think of you.

I have lost my best friend and lover, rolled into one.

Oh yes, on rare cases, I have to admit, I did, I do.