Weight on my shoulders

Few days back, my nephew jumped onto my back, making my upper back and shoulders numb for a day. The pain is excruciating, I can't barely hold a glass using my right arm. Fortunately my auntie, Mami Taba, the older sister of my dad is with us here in Pasig and she is very good in doing some "traditional hilot"(massage). 

I was trying not to shriek, as the pain was unbearable. Akala ko nabalian ako ng buto sa totoo lang. 

While she was massaging me, she said noticed the square face I have been these past few days. She said all of a sudden "wag ka na malungkot nini, kelangan mo mag move on na ha?" 

I replied with an "Aray, aaaraaay, kooooooo Mamiiii". She then placed a salonpas on my back. Giving my back a cool/hot sensation. Eventually, I thanked her for the comfort I felt after the massage and gave her a kiss. 

Went back to my room. Locked the door and my feelings are racing. My head is spinning, pounding. I miss my mom, her dear smiles, her loud laughs. I miss how she makes things okay. But behind my grieving stage, behind all my tears of losing the best person that I love. I also miss the person who  unexpectedly broke me into pieces. My soul mate, suddenly become my worst nightmare. Losing her made me realize that no matter how much I try to get mad at her, my heart still beats for this person and it sucks. 

But yes, I have to move on. Mami Taba was right(auntie). I ended my day sobbing in bed, I can't even understand my feelings whether if I was crying for mom or my ex, or might it be the same, or might be all of my feelings towards 2020. 

Forgiveness. Tao lang ako. Tao lang sila. Pero bakit sobrang sakit naman?

Anyhow, today, my back feels a little okay. I still wanted Mami Taba to do some magic on my shoulders. As I sat on the floor, she was massaging me and she said....

"Isipin mo na lang yung magagandang bagay na ginawa niya nini, mahirap ung galit ka, patawarin mo sarili mo, siya din, madami din naman siyang naitulong siguro, nakakalungkot la-ang dahil antagal niyo na hano, saka siya bumitiw, pero ung magaganda na lang isipin mo, ganon talaga anak". I tried not to breakdown in front of her, I tried not to, but a tear fell on my face. 

Why such weight on my shoulders Berting? 

As I write this blog. I want to forgive myself. I forgive her and everyone who did me wrong. I will forgive. I will choose to forgive and let go of my suffering. I want to become my true self. I will allow to forgive myself, I will live in the present, I will free my self from suffering, I will free myself from pain, I will allow myself to let go. I forgive myself for holding on to this suffering. I will allow myself to heal from my pain and suffering. I am worthy of the freedom, I am worthy of the peace forgiveness brings. I will let go of all the hate, anger and resentment. I will free my self from this burden, I will be free. I release myself. I will be at peace. I will understand and practice compassion towards others. I love myself and all that I am so I will chose to forgive so that I can have this peace. I forgive myself. I forgive all. I will forgive. 

I will chose to forgive and let go. I will make peace of those who have been hard on me. I will allow myself to forgive others. I will forgive. I will let this go. I will forgive because I love myself. This is me letting anger go. This is me moving on. This is me releasing the weight on my shoulders.