Anyare.

So what happened? Somebody asked.

I could’ve stayed as a friend. I spent 3 years, with her and as far as I can remember I have failed to choose her every day. I could’ve not let myself fall for her. I have read this quote that you deserve a love that speaks to your soul, I mean a love that feels like home and then that thought escalated to – there will come a time that you’ll wonder if there was someone who has really made to love you, better.

To be brutally honest, I never thought of having someone else but her. I was purely in love with her flaws and imperfections. I settled everything with her, that I will have a family with her. I will have kids with her. However, every time we fight, she will always have the final say and she would always say that there will be someone else better than her. So I can definitely shut our relationship. Her tone, when upset, would always be, 90% of her insecurity and 10% is all about how she can wash her hands when she was really the one to be blamed.

She would always want me to choose her, even if she was the one causing the stress and drama to us. She would always find ways to make my success a dreadful feeling. It was always really, negative and too toxic. It was damn hard to love her in long distance.

I would always decline the accusations that there is no one that I am interested of. Until one day I realized. She might be right, it was a fool’s task, daily for me to fight hard for her and make myself stay with her. I can’t remember when or how, but there was a time I cried myself to sleep and I was only occupied on myself. I did want to be with her, I really wanted to choose her, but months passed I started to choose her, less. But I still stayed.

I am always grateful for the companionship. I had dreams. Etc laughter and all. It was obvious that she became reserved. Which I always felt that I do not deserve. I also noticed that I can’t be me when I am with her. I do not understand if it was immaturity of me or she’s too matured for me. Until there was a friend, who seemed to enlightened me, who seemed to love me as I am. She showed me that I was not to be blamed in our messy relationship. It was so easy to be with her She gave me the attention I never had with Ms 3 years. I can be me with her, we hare the shame jokes and puns. We share issues without any hesitation. There was no sugar coating. I was the priority.

HOWEVER. That friend. Wasn’t really in love with me. She didn’t choose me. She was immature in some areas of her life. It was too complicated with her. I guess it was meant to be broken. It made me ask myself.

Why Am I choosing my partner today? if we cannot find any answer, we dig deeper, we all have our disconnected and sumpong days. If the heart says, I just freaking do. Then stay and be happy. But do not let anyone, lead you into something that they cannot commit. Do not ever stay because you feel like nobody can ever love you anymore. Do not also, never ever, beg someone who doesn’t see your worth.

To summarize it all. I hope we all find our happiness. Because I know. I have.