8/26/21

You choose?


Are you vaccinated or not? no schedule yet, sure, too busy. I respect that, yeah, you are unvaccinated, yet. But I wish we all understand how important it is to be vaccinated. I am vaccinated and you should respect that too. I’m certainly not vaccinated to please anyone. Below are my reasons why I am vaccinated.

·        My mom died because of covid

·        To protect the rest of my family, friends and community                                                                                                                                                                        

·        I do not want to occupy a hospital bed when others are sick or injured

·        This is to minimize the effects of COVID-19 on my body, fact that I was positive 2 times.

·        To help our healthcare workers our heroes at this time

·        To help get our country back to what it was and the whole world

 

And yes, I don’t know what is in this vaccine, or every other vaccine I have had - Vaccines I ‘had’ to have feel safe in my workplace, and to travel around the city whilst everything seemed to be normal. But I do know the vaccines helped most people as we are fighting something we cannot control, science is giving us a weapon.

Is it perfect? Not sure. But then neither are most medications. Have you ever read the possible side effects pamphlet inside your medication? Scary. But choosing to be vaccinated is better. So please be safe.

Life is short, very short  ️




8/4/21

9 years ago, not to long ago. (Never Had A Dream Come True)

This is one of those songs that no matter what I'm doing and I suddenly hear this song. It brings me back to my past lover and it drowns me in every other second. If you can really relate to this song, you may know what I'm talking about. “A part of me will always be with you”.

Araycu nemen.

This is for someone that changed your life forever. This person is probably still with you or they went away but it's saying that you'll always be a part of them and they'll always be in your heart. Even though you pray that you'll someday get over them because you know you have to, you just can't and you wonder why. You might end up marrying someone else or meeting someone else, but this person will always be your true love and you'll always think of them. And sometimes you can’t help but compare their love with the one that you are with now.  But what's the point of thinking about how it could have been? Yeah right….

So if you love someone and you haven't told them yet, perhaps it's best that you let them know how you feel. If you lose an opportunity, you might lose a lot.

This is quite depressing but I think if you were to sing it to someone special, it would be very romantic.

After all you still cherish and keep the memories that you had. Nothing beats the greatest love.  


Never Had A Dream Come True

SCLUB7







Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back, or wondering
How it could be now or might've been
All this I know
But still I can't find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
'Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back, oh wondering
How it should been, now oh might've been
All this I know
But, still I can't find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will
Say you will
You know you will oh baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back, oh wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how hard I try and try
I just can't say good bye
No no no no
I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you






7/18/21

Hanggang sa panaginip.

 Anu ba naman yan, hanggang sa panaginip.

Nariyan ka, mabuti sana kung maganda ang intensyon mo.

Ngunit hindi. Ninakawan mo pa ako sa panaginip ko. 




7/15/21

Dear Jake - My Open Letter




Dear Jake

First of all, I am sorry. I have judged you deliberately. I want to thank you for sharing us Charice Pempengco, her voice was amazing, I will never forget how amazed I was when she sang Lupang Hinirang in one of Manny Pacquiaos fight’s, grabe kilabot ko non. That’s a lot of great work and patience. I can’t imagine the hard ship she had endured. I re-call one time I was with a group of friends to watch ASAP. We saw her with a pink curler/roller, it was on her forehead. We were laughing at Charice on how cute and weird she was. She even said hello to us, I thought she was particularly eyeing on my ex that time. Funny. She sang Pyramid with Billy Joe that time. I don’t know if you’ll ever remember that for so many performances you have made.

A lot of times, you have been a topic of discussion, and majority was with our LGBTQI brothers and sisters. We thought of the things you could’ve considered before transitioning to Jake; the list goes on. I guess you are aware of them but you didn’t listen, to us. And it’s okay! Right! You are the captain of your own life. It’s your life!

But whilst watching your interview with Toni Gonzaga. I felt bad. I know how hurting it is to lie to yourself. To keep pushing on something you are not comfortable with. But look at you know, rising again. I wish I can be strong like you, and just like your song “if there's no pressure, there'll be no diamonds, So I don't mind it coming' my way, no I'm tired of putting out the fire, Freedom is all I desire, If there's no pressure, there'll be no diamonds, I know I will be a diamond, diamond, diamond, I know I will be a diamond, diamond, a diamond, oh”.

My real reason for pushing this blog is that we never really know if someone is hurting and is completely broken mentally and emotionally. So be kind. ALWAYS..

I salute you brother! Good job. I really like the song Diamond. I just want to say, that you may not know me personally, but you're one strong guy bro. Keep it going idol! I wish we can hang out turuan moko kumanta or just play ball. Just two ordinary human beings.  

 Labyu na rin bro! pakiss! 

/berting 

6/21/21

Belated Happy Independence DAY!

YOU,

To be honest, I don’t even think you are human enough to understand the word “back off”. 

You are so pathetic, you took all you can take and left. I have no kind words for you. 

Stop calling my friends, stop thinking they are your friends too. I don’t want to hear from you.

I don’t know you. I will never find time to know you.

4/28/21

Write about it

Ito na siguro ung pinaka BIG break na sinasabi ng lahat. Pero somewhere, in the middle of my heart, where I always feel like there is a huge hole that nobody can fill. I can only think of my sweet, loving and adorable Mom. 

I miss you MOM! I did it again! I see you smiling at me.Hayyy...

-----

Dear MOM,

Things are going well, I met someone, she is so nice, she takes good care of me and I take care of her too. She's tall, but I don't really care. I didn't expect to fall for her. But I did, I love her. Sayang, sana na-meet mo siya, I bet parehas kayong ma papa-tiktok, She is fun. She is way better than the rest. She loves me at my worst and only sees me as a priority. She has huge respect to you, even if hindi ka niya nakilala and that's really important yung may respect sa isa't isa and she's really into girls. Sana siya na Mommy, sana siya na life partner ko. Just that the damage from my previous lovers are affecting me, pero I hope she stays with me. She makes me happy. 

Mom, I live on my own now. I am paying rent, bills, bills, and I bought my dream car! I wish you were here when I took the car from Mazda showroom, ang saya ko, mas masaya siguro ako kung kasama ka, kayo ni gf nung gabing yon. I wish you were here. 

Work these days are overwhelming, I get to think of you more often. My FB memories points to movie dates with you. How I miss how you lift me up when I feel weak. You are such a happy pill Mom, you make things okay. I hope I made you proud up there. After all the breakdowns with you, Mom I got promotion again! Hehe... Ito na yung sinasabi mong, magaling ako. Yes! Finally naramdaman ko na naman siya. Thanks MOM! I will survive! I love you every day! please guide me always. 

Jul


3/18/21

Psalm 23

 

I was grade one, 7 years old. Our class adviser/teacher was MS. Josephine. She asked us to memorize this bible verse as a recitation in our GMRC Class(Good Moral and Right Conduct). It was Psalms 23.

 

I honestly forgot to memorize this verse over that one weekend, was left usually biking or just plainly watching TV. Just like any normal kid would do in the 90s. I wasn’t bad at school, I wasn’t really good either. I was cool at school. I flunk, I fail a lot, I get 100% often times, I get to be on top sometimes, and I pass with or without flying colors. I was a happy kid. 

MS Josephine started calling my classmates one by one, alphabetically in order. I was really nervous. I do not know any single line. I don’t even have a bible to start with, until now wala akong bible(parinig to anyone please buy me LOL).

Luckily, my last name was V and I was always last in recitations. I re-called listening to my classmates recite the verse, I was panicking while writing what they were saying, and at the same time I was memorizing what they said. I was imagining myself as if I was about to go on an audition. Then I was called. Drum rolls. Action!

I was able to recite the verse and I am proud to be able to face that KIND of resilience at a very young age. I am quite sure I was able to pull off a show. Besides, the show must go on even though I stuttered.

The objective was not to cry in front of my classmates or even be kulelat. 

Hence, talking about resilience, at this time. I have been fighting with my anxiety. I have no choice to ignore it. I battle a huge paranoia in my head, and nobody seems to understand the consistent war inside my head. But then I remember my younger days, I was standing in front of class.

“As I walk to the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil, for you are with me….”

thanks teach Josephine, pero dko na siya kabisa.. haha. 

#fightinganxiety #memories

3/8/21

Bed.

I lied in bed, stared at the ceiling for awhile.

This cold weather suddenly made me sad. 

I moved my fingers underneath the blanket 

and close my eyes. 

I was trying to imagine her hand in mine, 

Instead I closed my hand on a pill, 

A pill, that draw me into a deep sleep. 


“Kaya mo yan”....


#fightinganxiety


Written: January 25 2021

FU all.

The best and smartest thing I have been doing is to protect myself. Protect myself from the people who abused my kindness. I have learned a lot last year, and I can’t keep making the same mistakes. If I let you all into my life again and show how naïve and foolish I am, I will shut you all off, cause no one can fucking hurt me all over again.

I don’t regret everything about everyone. But I do regret a lot of moments with all of you. I know there were times I was loved by all of you, but it was just for a second. It wasn’t worth it.

So, today, don’t go chasing me with an apology. You won’t hear anything from me. I am already working on forgiving myself. I’m not forgiving at the moment because you all weren’t nearly as guilty as I am. I was the one who let you all in my life and I was the one who bought all of your bullshit stories. That’s why I’m forgiving myself and not any single of you, ever.




2/23/21

Finally, I found the GOOD in Goodbye

I wish to find someone who will remove all my fears and replace them with a brand-new desire to take a life-changing risk, someone who will remind me that I am bigger than all these shadows that sit at the edge of my bed that I named ‘insecurities’ for the longest time. 


Someone who will remind me that nights are for calmness and not for forsaken silent battles. I wish to find that someone who’ll give me the same thrill of waking up every morning and see what kind of adventure awaits. 


I wish to find that person who will teach me how to forgive myself for not being the person I desperately wished to be. I hope to find that perfect half who will help me glue back all the shattered pieces of my heart that I didn’t have the strength to puzzle. 


I wish that someone will bring in all the daylights that I shooed away, and all the summers that I labeled as temporary. I wish I will meet that someone who will give a damn about the sacrifices I do. I wish she is able to convey the different meanings of rainy days and sunshine. I wish this person will refuse to give me up when things get hard. 


I wish that someone will refuse any temptations as she will only see me as the complete package they have always wanted and afraid to lose. 


I hope, to be able to find another reason to live and believe in love. May I find that someone who’ll teach me to trust my heart and choices in life once again. I really hope that this time — love will serve me best. 


Because I deserve to be loved. I do not want to settle for less anymore. 


But for now, all I can do is to love myself, so that when the universe finally decides to cross our paths. We can finally say, it was all worth the wait. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to wake up next to you. See you soon. ❤️


2/12/21

Sana(Adult Version)

Ang tanda ko na, gusto ko na mag asawa. Naisip ko yan kanina. Natawa ako and at the same time nalungkot. Sapagkat, malapit na kasi mag valentines day kaya siguro ako bitter biteran na naman. Hindi mo naman ako masisisi kasi mag tatatlong buwan pa lang akong single, siguro naman by next month tapos na ang sinasabi nilang 3 month rule, diumano. Bakit ko ba yon naisip? Ah kasi pwede na makipag date after 3 months. Pauso. Hehe depende na lang yan. Basta ako, hindi ko pa kaya... sarili ko muna ang aasawahen ko. Haiiiyo.


Gusto ko na actually mag mahal uli. Alam ko madami akong kayang ibigay, pero andito pa rin sa dibdib ko ung takot na baka iwan na naman ako. Madalas naiisip ko, deserve ko naman talaga ng taong mapagmahal at maalaga. Minsan naman meron pa kayang mag mamahal sa isang tulad ko?


Hindi naman ako madamot. Mapagbigay naman ako. Pero kasi bakit ganon, ubos na ubos ako tuwing iniiwan ako ng minamahal ko. Hiling ko na lang eh sana ung susunod na magmamahal sa aken, rerespetuhin ako. Mamahalin ang magulang ko at pamilya ko. Marunong magpakumbaba at humingi ng pasensya. Sana ung susunod ko, may modo, may takot sa diyos. Sana takot siya sa away, dahil ayaw namen masira ang nasimulan namen. Sana hindi siya masakit magsalita. Sana lahat ng gusto ko supportahan niya rin at ganon din naman ako. Sana parehas kming maging successful sa aming careers. Biyayaan kami ni lord ng kahit isang anak, ok na. Wala namang mali mangarap pero may mga pagkakataon na naiisip ko na. Baka best tita nlng talaga ako. Or best friend ng taon? Pero walang maling maghangad. Gusto ko na magkapamilya. Gusto ko ng kasangga. 


Hindi ko mapigilang magisip kung mayron nga bang mali saakin? Gusto ko lang naman umuwe sa taong alam kong ako lang ang laman ng pusot isipan nila. Sa totoo lang, I cant wait. I cant wait na dumating ang huling magmamahal saakin, ung anjan lang at ikaw lang ang pipiliin kahit anu pa. Gusto ko na siya makilala, dahil gusto ko maramdaman na mahalin ako ng tulad ng pagmamahal na binibigay ko, ung walang reservations, kayong dalawa lamang. Mahal niyo, ang isat isa. Parehas kayong magtutulungan pataas. Sana makilala na kita. Sana wag mo ako bitawan pag nawala ako sa sarili. Sana magtiwala ka sa kakayahan ko. Sana ako lang makapagpasaya sayo. Sana ako lang ang hindi mo kayang saktan o iwan. 


Kamahal mahal naman ako. Alam ko mabuti naman akong tao. Sana dumating ka na. 

2/4/21

Destinasyon.



Napaka haba nang ating nilakbay,

sa dinami-rami ng mga iyak, yakap at akbay,

ngunit heto at dumating nanaman tayo sa dulo,

kailangan ko rin palang bitiwan ang iyong mga kamay.


Hindi ko kailan inakala

sa lahat ng lungkot at saya,

lahat ng pagsubok na nilampasan nating dalawa

ay paghahanda lamang pala 

sa mga bukas na hindi na ako ang iyong makakasama.


Ngayon parang parusa ang maramdaman iyong alaala.

Sana man lang kasi nagkaroon ng kahit konting babala

tila naging tagahatid lang pala ako

at sakanya pa rin ang destinasyon mo........

She left me broken, all over again.


It was so early in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I had panic attacks last night and I was feverish, due to the covid19 vaccine I took 2 days ago. They say it was normal to feel feverish. But the door bell rang, 7AM. 

I was hoping it was a dream, I think I saw her in the peep hole. I wanted to hug her immediately. I cried silently, behind the door. She patiently knocked her way in, and I prayed for a few minutes of sanity. Why is she here? Is she here to hurt me again?

I opened the door. I saw her face, we were such a mess, I saw her eyes, they looked like they were swelling too. She immediately said can we talk and diverted her attention to one of our cats Bebu, who was beside the door, and she tried to look for the other cat ChanChan. I told her she was inside my room. I couldn't react well. I was scared of how capable she is of hurting me. Whether it was physically or verbally, but I was ready to fire back when needed. I told her I really do not have any of your recordings. I don't know about them. She just nodded.

She spent time with our cats, I looked at her while I was working in bed, she was playing with the cats. I missed her so much. I even said, wala ka bang pasok? she said wala. Then I focused on my laptop. She asked if I ate already I said, I don't know how to cook, so hindi pa. 

Eventually her phone was on timer, it was 9AM ata. She said she wanted to take a nap. I said ok. She suddenly asked "How are you". I wasn't able to answer, I wasn't able to tell what's wrong. Well letting her inside the house was wrong. Eventually she said she will go home and sleep, she has an observation by 1pm. We hugged, we had a small talk, she said sorry and thank you. I tried not to cry, but all I felt was hurt and annoyance. I said why, kasi akala niya galit ako.

My head wanted to say, I still love you even if you hurt me lot, I never wanted to lose you, to me you're my soulmate. 

I panicked, I couldn't breathe again, I puked again with acid on the toilet bowl, we haven't eaten anything. She handled me a liniment/katingko(something she offered me when we first met) and tears started falling, I can't feel my limbs again, I am losing her again.

I told her to leave me already, she already left me long time back, so its gonna be easy for her to leave me, I told her why is she enjoying to hurt me, why is she doing this to me? I told her that I always defend her name even when others are upset with her. She was trying to say something, but I said yes, it doesn't matter anymore, lets us leave it all to 2020. Forget 2020. Forget about me, forget about us and I will forget about you. Were a never was. I even said I was sorry for being hard on her on the later part of our relationship, but I was wanting her to love me a little harder because I needed her, she's the only real thing I can hold on to, I told her I gave her my all but she chose to leave... I said she can't hurt me anymore. 

I couldn't feel anything, I was calling my cousin again from Ireland who is a nurse, she was with me last night when I was panicking for help. I told her that I thought drank 3 anti-depressants all in the same time. I thought I might die in overdosing myself. She helped me calm down. She was on the other side of the bed. 

Until I felt a little relaxed. I told her "I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I have Major depression, I am not okay, I am trying to protect myself, I have been isolating myself" 

I saw her out of my room, she was in and out of my house. I thought I heard her cry, she doesn't want anyone to see her cry. But I heard her. She didn't said anything at first, she said I was gonna be okay soon. I felt her holding my hand and she said she's gonna leave, I felt her kissed my forehead. From there, I felt she was gone. She left me, broken, all over again. 

2/3/21

Letter to myself

Dear Jul, 

I know you’ve been struggling lately. You’re not yourself and you seemed lost in a place you’ve never been before. I know you’re wandering thru the midst of nothingness right now — unable to find the right path and where your purpose leads you. I know your heart is so heavy that you’re having a hard time carrying and accepting all uncertainties. I know sometimes to you, it all still feels like a joke. Like a dream turned nightmare. I have seen you fighting reality, fighting countless/sleepless nights. It’s not easy. I know that, It’s never easy. It feels like everyone is judging you, using you and pushing you to your limits. But you ignore them and you keep fighting again and again.


I’m sorry for sometimes you become weak and could hardly fight. I am sorry for the tears you shed day and night. I see you hide all the time, protecting your heart. Sorry that fear and overthinking had overpowered you. You always tell me that you tried your best to stay focused but terror crept you, like there is a rewind button making you feel like your skin is being pricked. You managed to appear utterly independent when you were, in fact, desperately in need of company. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. Most of the time you choose to sleep it all away. I know, its hard to just swallow a pill. Yes, I know you’re damn exhausted but thank you. 


Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for choosing me and still waking up each day. Thank you for still finding the courage to keep it going even if you’re almost giving up. Thank you for opening your mind to look at the brighter side of every circumstances. Thank you for still smiling and happily take selfies daily, even though you know you’re already drowning in the depths of your emotions. Thank you for your finding ways to solve all of your problems. Thank you for driving yourself to work knowing that driving terrifies you. Thank you for your solid determination to move on with life regardless of how difficult it is for you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for loving me a little harder each day.  


You might have impressed a lot of people with your strength and determination, but where did it left you? In the void. Utterly alone. You see, it’s okay to share your sorrow to others. I know how reluctant you are in sharing it to people because you’ve been judged and criticized but keep in mind that there are still genuine and good people who are willing to listen to you without judgment. So kindly, stop shutting people out and try opening your doors to the world. Stop confining yourself into that lofty walls you built and start welcoming people in your heart. You have a good heart. I know that. They know that. We all know that.


Trust me, Jul. You’ll be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I know you’re waiting for that freedom — freedom to love and be loved, to express your love, to be passionate about life. To start a new challenge or even a better partner in life. It’s okay, I promise you. This shall pass. It will all come. Wait for it. It will sure be worth the wait. So be like the sun, it’s all alone but it still shines. 


Your mommy is so proud of you and I know she’s just there inside of your heart, guiding you and cheering you always. You have a loving family. Your sister and dad thinks about you always. Keep fighting my love. I love you forever, always, every day and I will only choose you whenever, wherever. 💪🏼 #cueinshakira #wheneverwherever #fightinganxiety

1/26/21

Julalay




Last year, well last December, I was cleaning my stuff at home. I saw this small pink letter. It was a letter from my all time crush, aminado na mga teh. 💪🏼😂 

So yeah, she said she will come to Baguio with me. It was an inside joke. Kami lang nakakaalam non. This was our world. 


When I first saw her, we were second year, she was with a friend studying in OLC. I felt stupid, looking at her from a far. Sakanya ko unang na experience yung love at first sighs este sight. Well in this case, ako lang nafall. I don’t think, nagustuhan niya din ako, that time.


Eventually, we became friends. She’s too pretty, guys and girls would always chase her and I was just a baller who studies if I need to. She was crazy, we used to talk in YM. Magsesend siya ng annoying stickers and mangangamusta pa yan. She was the complete package of everything I wanted in a girl. Top of the class, outstanding in everything, haha mayamang probinsyana! 😂 She also sings pala, oh I am such a fool for singers. I always dreamt of having a life time partner who sings.


Come 4th year college, she invited me to be her groupmate in our strama finals. Di ko akalaen na aayaen niya ko, so ayon, bakit ako? Hindi ko alam, of all the smart asses in BA. Haha!


It was so hard to hide my feelings for this lad every time I went to her condo to work on our strama. Pakahirap. I was also in a loving relationship that time. When I look at her, I felt the urge of being better. Ganon yon diba, nakakainspire, nakakahiya pumalpak. Pero iba ung guilt kasi may gf ako non. I wonder if nainis siya nun nalaman niya may gf ako. But ako lang siguro nagiisip non. Focus lang kami sa finals noon and guess what! We got the best strama award. 


Then napaisip ako, what if, nasabi ko sa kanya ung mga hindi ko nasabi? Like...


“Karleng, I have loved you hopelessly for years, I chose to be a friend and not a lover. But by any chance, for my sanity lang, papasa ba ako sayo? I mean noon?..” sabay tawa... Maybe, she would say, Yes. Abay punyeta. Why like this. 


What if, tinawagan ko siya out of nowhere and said halika let’s runaway and lets go north, Baguio it is. What if? May load ako pantawag sa smart line niya noon, Diba? Baka hindi niya piniling mawala sa mundo. Ansaya siguro noh? Araw araw kaming laugh-trip then may kilig. Buhay pa siguro siya, kasi korni daw ako. Susme. Tawang tawa kaya siya saken parati. 



Itong grad pic na to, we were together when we collected our grad pic. Dinumog lang naman siya ng mga blockmates niya, at nung nakita ko na iisa na lang ang natira. Kinuha ko agad, natawa siya, wala nang natira sakanya, para siyang naholdap. Tumakbo ako kasi baka bawien pa. Di ko sure kung nabigyan ko siya, kasi naubos din ung saken. 😂

Kung naging kami kaya, would I still be holding her hand? We’d be invincible siguro. She will be a great singer and I’ll be the road manager, wed be secret lovers. 


Or maybe, we just got married and we plan to have kids in Canada, tapos reside na din doon. She would be a finance director in some bank and I would be the business woman/actress/writer I have always wanted to be.... I think we make a good powerful couple. 


Well, maybe, just maybe, in another life, my Karleng. Imagination na lang muna, hanggang pangarap na lang tong nafefeel ko sakanya. She was my, the one that got away. She will always have a special place in my heart. 


So ayon, it has been 11 years since I last saw her. Nakakakilig pa din isipin yung mga funny times. Hay nako. Karleng. Anlakas mo din kmain. Pero, hnm. Pakiss. I love you. ❤️ Meet mo MOM ko she’s in heaven too. Kantahan mo siya ples. Halo ni Beyonce ha.

1/10/21

Another, one day today.

One day, I will stop imagining you, beside me, everyday at night in this cold weather nights. 

One day, I will stop to miss holding you, and looking at your face, first thing in the morning. 

One day, I will stop remembering how we first met, oh how magical that night was for me.
  
One day, I will stop finding you among the crowd. 

One day, I will stop thinking about you in my work hours. 

One day, I will stop hearing your voice.

One day, I will stop listening to our favorite song.

One day, I will stop recalling and wonder what could have been between us.  

One day, I will stop hoping that there will be even an us again. 

One day, I will stop my midnight reveries about you. 

One day, you will stop invading my heart and mind. 

One day I will be able to admit that you chose to stop loving me. 

One day, it won't even hurt to hear your name. 

But how come, today, another day, that you are still corrupting my brain? 

AND No matter how many times I tell myself I will be better off without you, 
part of me just feel like I can never let go. 

So I hope, tomorrow, yes it is another one day, that I will free myself from you completely. 



Written - January 9 2021 

1/9/21

Don't Panic in Public.


Tried my best not to panic in public yesterday. 

So let me tell you how it feels to worry all the time. It is as if your are trapped. Your heart will beat fast, you will feel numb, you begin to sweat, the taste of metal lingering your palate, you can’t hear anything and you shiver in fear. Suddenly you don’t know that you’re holding back your tears from falling, but they are falling. You look down on the floor immediately, you feel like everyone is judging you at that moment. You cover yourself in shame. You feel like people are watching you lose a game. You anticipate that someone will help you win and eventually they abuse your kindness and leave you in the end. You feel like people are making fun of your innocence. Witnessing and enjoying how weak you are. 

And somehow you wish that you didn’t care at all so you wont get to think if you’re good enough or not. Everyday is exhausting trying to feel stronger than I feel. You breathe harder, as if there was a claw stuck in your chest. You do your level best to think of happy thoughts, you try hard to think and recall of the people who loves you and cares for you dearly. 

You tell yourself that it will pass, maybe not immediately but you know it will pass. Right know I have feelings I don’t like. This will be over, soon. Better days are coming. I am enough and grateful. 💪🏼 I forgive myself. I deserve to be happy. #strength #labanberting #fightinganxietyeveryday

1/3/21

WAS I EVER LOVED BY YOU? Rough question.





OUT OF REACH

Gabrielle 


Knew the signs, wasn't right

I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart's bruisedWas I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy every day
I know I will be okay
But I was so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that, in time
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But now I'm so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me

1/1/21

Choose me!


Dear Berts, 
You can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t choose you. You can’t. Because your person is going to be your person for the rest of your life. Not just when you’re young and things are perfect, but when things get messy and you make mistakes and the world is less shiny. Make sure that you have someone by your side that wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you, and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Someone who wants to hear your laugh, and make breakfast with you, and listen to all of your dumb jokes for twenty, or thirty, or fifty years. Because there are difficult things in life, really hard and haunted things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But love should not be one of those things. Love should hold your hand and help you brave those storms. Love should be your safe place. So please, just don’t give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know, without hesitation, that they want to stay. 


Choose someone who doesn’t leave at bad times. You deserve to be happy. You are worthy.


Love, 

Berts(bwahaha)....