She left me broken, all over again.

It was so early in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I had panic attacks last night and I was feverish, due to the covid19 vaccine I took 2 days ago. They say it was normal to feel feverish. But the door bell rang, 7AM. 

I was hoping it was a dream, I think I saw her in the peep hole. I wanted to hug her immediately. I cried silently, behind the door. She patiently knocked her way in, and I prayed for a few minutes of sanity. Why is she here? Is she here to hurt me again?

I opened the door. I saw her face, we were such a mess, I saw her eyes, they looked like they were swelling too. She immediately said can we talk and diverted her attention to one of our cats Bebu, who was beside the door, and she tried to look for the other cat ChanChan. I told her she was inside my room. I couldn't react well. I was scared of how capable she is of hurting me. Whether it was physically or verbally, but I was ready to fire back when needed. I told her I really do not have any of your recordings. I don't know about them. She just nodded.

She spent time with our cats, I looked at her while I was working in bed, she was playing with the cats. I missed her so much. I even said, wala ka bang pasok? she said wala. Then I focused on my laptop. She asked if I ate already I said, I don't know how to cook, so hindi pa. 

Eventually her phone was on timer, it was 9AM ata. She said she wanted to take a nap. I said ok. She suddenly asked "How are you". I wasn't able to answer, I wasn't able to tell what's wrong. Well letting her inside the house was wrong. Eventually she said she will go home and sleep, she has an observation by 1pm. We hugged, we had a small talk, she said sorry and thank you. I tried not to cry, but all I felt was hurt and annoyance. I said why, kasi akala niya galit ako.

My head wanted to say, I still love you even if you hurt me lot, I never wanted to lose you, to me you're my soulmate. 

I panicked, I couldn't breathe again, I puked again with acid on the toilet bowl, we haven't eaten anything. She handled me a liniment/katingko(something she offered me when we first met) and tears started falling, I can't feel my limbs again, I am losing her again.

I told her to leave me already, she already left me long time back, so its gonna be easy for her to leave me, I told her why is she enjoying to hurt me, why is she doing this to me? I told her that I always defend her name even when others are upset with her. She was trying to say something, but I said yes, it doesn't matter anymore, lets us leave it all to 2020. Forget 2020. Forget about me, forget about us and I will forget about you. Were a never was. I even said I was sorry for being hard on her on the later part of our relationship, but I was wanting her to love me a little harder because I needed her, she's the only real thing I can hold on to, I told her I gave her my all but she chose to leave... I said she can't hurt me anymore. 

I couldn't feel anything, I was calling my cousin again from Ireland who is a nurse, she was with me last night when I was panicking for help. I told her that I thought drank 3 anti-depressants all in the same time. I thought I might die in overdosing myself. She helped me calm down. She was on the other side of the bed. 

Until I felt a little relaxed. I told her "I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I have Major depression, I am not okay, I am trying to protect myself, I have been isolating myself" 

I saw her out of my room, she was in and out of my house. I thought I heard her cry, she doesn't want anyone to see her cry. But I heard her. She didn't said anything at first, she said I was gonna be okay soon. I felt her holding my hand and she said she's gonna leave, I felt her kissed my forehead. From there, I felt she was gone. She left me, broken, all over again.