Letter to myself

Dear Jul, 

I know you’ve been struggling lately. You’re not yourself and you seemed lost in a place you’ve never been before. I know you’re wandering thru the midst of nothingness right now — unable to find the right path and where your purpose leads you. I know your heart is so heavy that you’re having a hard time carrying and accepting all uncertainties. I know sometimes to you, it all still feels like a joke. Like a dream turned nightmare. I have seen you fighting reality, fighting countless/sleepless nights. It’s not easy. I know that, It’s never easy. It feels like everyone is judging you, using you and pushing you to your limits. But you ignore them and you keep fighting again and again.

I’m sorry for sometimes you become weak and could hardly fight. I am sorry for the tears you shed day and night. I see you hide all the time, protecting your heart. Sorry that fear and overthinking had overpowered you. You always tell me that you tried your best to stay focused but terror crept you, like there is a rewind button making you feel like your skin is being pricked. You managed to appear utterly independent when you were, in fact, desperately in need of company. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. Most of the time you choose to sleep it all away. I know, its hard to just swallow a pill. Yes, I know you’re damn exhausted but thank you. 

Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for choosing me and still waking up each day. Thank you for still finding the courage to keep it going even if you’re almost giving up. Thank you for opening your mind to look at the brighter side of every circumstances. Thank you for still smiling and happily take selfies daily, even though you know you’re already drowning in the depths of your emotions. Thank you for your finding ways to solve all of your problems. Thank you for driving yourself to work knowing that driving terrifies you. Thank you for your solid determination to move on with life regardless of how difficult it is for you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for loving me a little harder each day.  

You might have impressed a lot of people with your strength and determination, but where did it left you? In the void. Utterly alone. You see, it’s okay to share your sorrow to others. I know how reluctant you are in sharing it to people because you’ve been judged and criticized but keep in mind that there are still genuine and good people who are willing to listen to you without judgment. So kindly, stop shutting people out and try opening your doors to the world. Stop confining yourself into that lofty walls you built and start welcoming people in your heart. You have a good heart. I know that. They know that. We all know that.

Trust me, Jul. You’ll be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I know you’re waiting for that freedom — freedom to love and be loved, to express your love, to be passionate about life. To start a new challenge or even a better partner in life. It’s okay, I promise you. This shall pass. It will all come. Wait for it. It will sure be worth the wait. So be like the sun, it’s all alone but it still shines. 

Your mommy is so proud of you and I know she’s just there inside of your heart, guiding you and cheering you always. You have a loving family. Your sister and dad thinks about you always. Keep fighting my love. I love you forever, always, every day and I will only choose you whenever, wherever. 💪🏼 #cueinshakira #wheneverwherever #fightinganxiety