That's part of growing up

"Gusto ko magka family, Gusto ko magka anak.." she said.

Those words are haunting me every time. I couldn't understand. She was my lover, my best friend, I couldn't believe and manage myself to accept it. I just got used to her company. I begged her to stay, though I don't beg. But she didn't accept it.

My mind wandered too much, was he better? I could be better? Ill make my hair long. Ill wear girly clothes and I swear hindi ka mapapahiya. Ill send and fetch you from work? Ill get a sperm donor, Ill carry babies for us to have a family. I even thought of having a female to male transition.

Tears started rolling - we were inside my car. I cried like there's no future ahead for me. I wanted to disappear. I started hitting my self again. The feeling was devastating. I wish I was a man in a snap. I wanted to kill all men. I hate men. I hate boys.

Now I am asking myself lately, Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying is, is exactly the one that made you cry?

2006, Eco class, she was wearing Pink - she was listening to our professor. She was top of the class. She couldn't see me, she was holding a yellow colored pencil high lighting every word she hears on her hand outs.

"Muslim ka ba?" I said - what a loser. It wasn't a tag line, I just knew someone who has the same last name and a Muslim. From that day on, I wanted to be near her always. Everything is beautiful about her. It was obvious she was straight. I was just a stubborn baller. I didn't know I was that interesting to her.

There was this time I still had feelings from my abusive ex girl friend. I was actually adjusting that time, I had to balance my family problems, grades, quitting the basketball team issue and my knee injury.

Basically I got on the right track - she gave me hope in finding my self back. She is the only person in this world who I opened to without any hesitation. She is the only one who knows my flaws and my darkest secrets.

It was a roller coaster ride. She was with me thru ups and downs. There were a lot of memories learned. She was everything I could hope for. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost her. I know I could've given more.

I hate you for letting me go. I love you so much and it sucks to let you go. I want to push you around. I want to hug you. I want to shout at you. I want to love you forever, but my definition of forever is over.

To all of my friends who are very supportive. Thank you.

Sorry if my system doesn't register sometimes. I know life goes on. I've heard that too much from you guys. I am on my way to reach my dreams without her. I know I realized that things changed. She changed. Her feelings changed. I have to accept it. Like I always say - That's part of growing up.