Pakilig lang to.

Aside from baking and boxing. Writing and reading is my hobby lately, I guess my 2012 is really filled with emotions. So hear me out!

Written and composed by Berts Urdaneta: Out of nowhere Album

Pakilig lang to.

Magpaparamdam ka bigla
makikinig ako sa isang idlap
maya maya wala na
attensiyong mong nakakahalina

binibitin mo ako
tunganga naman ako
anu ba? ako ba?
ay asa galore, siya naman pala!

para kang bula
binibigyan mo ako ng panandaliang tuwa
para kang elevator na taas baba
hindi ko makuhang hindi sumakay
para kang yoyo
pinapaikot mo nga ako
minsan parang  on tayo
minsan parang off naman

hindi ako umaasa
kasi alam ko hindi ako ang gusto mo
pero dahil sayo nasusulat ko ito
kasi kinikilig ako sayo

Puso'y nabibigla, Utak ko'y nababahala
iisipin ko na lang na masaya ako
sa ATE-nsyon mo
kahit hindi ako, alam ko

para kang bula
binibigyan mo ako ng panandaliang tuwa
para kang elevator na taas baba
hindi ko makuhang hindi sumakay
para kang yoyo
pinapaikot mo nga ako
minsan parang  on tayo
minsan parang off naman

para kang bula
binibigyan mo ako ng panandaliang tuwa

sabi na e. pakilig lang to.

I AM ROSA MISTICA 2012

I don't know where to start about this. Haha. Wait, ito na.

I am so proud at myself, lalo na sa family ko(Navarro Clan Aka Bakal or Metal Gear). After the Flores de Maria event, I realized na sobrang importante ng family. Whatever happens family is always there. This is what I like about Filipinos, we are so family oriented.

"Ate, pwede ka bang maging Rosa Mistica ko?" Anna said(My cousin) - 2 years ago. 

I was just 21 years old back then. Let's not forget payat pa ako nun.

I am adventurous, I love challenges and I said YES! :))

ABA! Bakit hindi. Sige, oo na. Pero that doesn't mean na hindi ako pwede mag gown. I still and I will still wear girly clothes. I don't know. I think may natitira pang kalandian sa akin. I mean, bakit ako Um-Oo? Diba? Some of my friends told me hindi ako tomboy. They keep on insisting na hindi.

Haha! nagpapatawa talaga kayo... This is me...

E crush ko nga si Rosa Mistica 2013 e! LOL. She's not even my type. Pero, kinabog ako. Maling naka gown ako nung nakita ko siya. :))

ROSA MISTICA 2013 - 4th starting on your left.

After the event sa church, there's this legacy thing kasi wherein the Rosa Mistica, Herrmano and Hermana 2012 will acknowledge the Rosa Mistica, Hermano and Hermana 2013.

As part of the legacy thing. Here's what happened.

Hermana 2012 gave Hermana 2013 flowers.
Rosa Mistica 2012 gave Rosa Mistica 2013 flowers. KILIG AKETCH!

Even though it rained - the parade continued! Basa kung basa ang aking gown. Lakad lang, Keber.

OK lang na mag lakad ng super layo kasi naka 3 inches HAVS ako.

There were a lot of people na hindi ko kilala nag papa picture with me - natatawa ako kasi ang GANDA KO TALAGA! Nadali ko kayo! Proven ito. Masakit sa mata ung may flash na cameras! Lalo na ung mga asa Poblacion area! Makapicture anlapit!

 Kahit si BFF Des - Nailang saakin. Wag ka na kumontra junyor. MAGANDA AKO.

I had 3 smiles for the event
1. THE GENERIC SMILE - While walking. Walang ipen. Smirking

2. STANDARD SMILE - Steady lang. May ipen pero hindi masyado na ka open.

3. KILLER SMILE - Stolen, May ipen malaki ang smile at nakasmile ang mata!

Thanks to my Verangaling Crew - Special mention - Des, Ateng, Kuya Rain and Ate TB(Manager). Grabe kayo taga punas ng pawis, taga paypay, taga payong, taga bili ng water. Wooo! Ang sarap din maging artista!

                                                          My Ati TB - The Manager

                                                          The best PA ever - Ateng

Julalay number 3 - Des the tagapaypay and epic fail na taga payong - natatamaan niya ung anik-anik sa hair ko.
 

I fired Kuya Rain - kain kasi ng kain! Dahil sa kanya. UMULAN! :P

so AGAIN.....

THANK YOU FOR READING MY BLOG AND GOOD JOB! 

Kenot sleep.

Dahil hindi ako makatulog. Gusto ko lang ishare na I want to get married too. I want to settle with a female companion. I want to grow old with a girl. I don't want to tailor myself to be suited with a boy.  Kung hindi na talaga ako mag kaka-lerler. I guess Ill adopt a baby girl - Ill name her Tabitha August N. Veranga bwahahah! this is still PLAN B!

SLUR - SE RO NGANG

Yes or No Movie is the first thai lesbian film. I happen to know the movie because of Sapphiclounge.com - special mention. Its a great blog site. For bi curious or just Lesbian. Check it out. :)

Anyway, since I became addicted to the fore mentioned movie, I collect lesbian films pala. I shared it to my closest friends. Des on the other hand liked it so much, we even made a YES OR NO ADVENTURE TRIP TO THAILAND. See tourists in Thailand usually goes to Elephant shows, Temples, shopping, eating. But ours was peculiar and unique. A chance of a life time to meet Aom Suchar Manaying - Pie and Tina Jitaleela - Kim.

Moving on to my title - My buddy here is now a Thai afficionado. She is more Thai addict than me. I believe she is studying how to write and speak thai. She told be that the above captioned band is so kulit we should make a dance cover of it. 

Well. I am eksayted. LOL. Kahit hindi ko maintindihan. Ang saya lang nila kuya.

I love thailand. Sana Thai na lang ako. I am born in the wrong country!!!!!

Bakit Berts Urdaneta?

2005, First year college. My friend Maika - out of nowhere called me Julyberts.

Julyberts suddenly evolved to Julyberting.

Julyberting to Berting.(Si Berting ang macho ng dating, na-under ng kanyang Darling - Pang asar saakin nila Maika at Tanya.)

Tanya started calling me Berting LABRA. Didn't take long. Corny kasi! LOL

Berting to Berts(Mas cool).

So why URDANETA?

I was walking to reach my Ex Lurlurs house. Wala kasing tryk sa kanila. I forgot kung bakit wala akong sasakyan o bakit hindi man lang ako ng cab. I guess studyante pa ako nun at super tagal kasi umalis ng shuttle service nila.

There I was. Walking. Swaying. Singing.

I reached NIV Clubhouse - There's this fruit stand, they are making Ice cold drinks. I immediately asked for a Mango Shake to quench my thirst. Then I suddenly saw Urdaneta St. ................. OK.

And finally, I was looking for a job in Makati. Along Buedia, I saw Urdaneta Village on my left. De ja vu. Poof. I am in love with it.

Berts Urdaneta. Ako si Berts Urdaneta. Got it?

Kamusta na JULY?

Hello, Yes. OK AKO. Still sane. Its quite hard to keep the sanity intact these past few days.

My orders are not that consistent, but would you like to taste my Red Velvet cake?
Its my best seller. Php 550.00 9x2(Circle)! 
 
I am so stubborn to do any marketing activities within my reach- FB page for Verangaling Cakes AKA Betty's Cakes. Could use an extra HAND though. :D 

So anyway, I have lots of time to think and blog these past few months.

There's a big world out there. Got me thinking of going back to the corporate world, not here, definitely, maybe abroad. That way I can save for the future, for my breast removal. Don't react, please, I hated these breasts ever since. Its always a nightmare for lesbians like me. I tried strapping, but I end up having a hard time breathing. Its a life time wish. So support me na lang.

Mom and Dad are not getting any younger, I am quite sure I will take care of them till they reach the SUPER THUNDERS STAGE. Ito na yata yung curse ng mga bunso or naiiwan na anak na hindi mag aasawa.

I want to have my own space too. I should stand on my own.

I wish my business could grow more, but I am afraid to ask my family for any financial aid. Mahirap kasi ung umasenso ka sa utang na loob. Matagal bayaran ang utang na loob.

Therefore, I will save money abroad, go back here, start all over again and hope for the best here in the Philippines. I don't know if it'll take long to save. But this is planned. I will get this worked out.

I will get a tattoo soon. I want it in my wrist. Just a small "freedom to love" or JULY in thai writing.

I will cut my hair shorter and have a blonde hair

I will be fit, ill get my waist line back

I will read more books so that my writing skills will improve. MORE! :)

I will try to blog everyday.

I will continue boxing.

I will try acting soon. I know it was always been my forte. 

I will try to have a foreigner gf. haha! I really want a Brazilian chicka.

So far, this is my PLAN B. So far. I am cool. I am relaxed. Ill get over. I will get over it. I should.

My PLAN A, well, it almost went well. I don't want to think of it anymore. But I am glad, I am still standing and fighting for PLAN B. Having a PLAN C is unnecessary. I guess.

So ayan. Ang masasagot ko sa tanong mong. Kamusta na JULY?

Nakakataba ng Pusong Nawasak

Fearless. Lonely. Grateful. In love. Fooled. Sick of love songs. Mad. Lousy. Relaxed. Singing. Crying. Dancing.

Lately, I've been receiving calls, bbms and sms due to my blog entries. Majority of my blog entries are real situations that I have dealt with. Some of them are my interests. Anyway, I am also proud to say that I didn't have any formal course to enhance my writing skills. I guess I watch too much movies. :)) *yabang

True enough my page views increased from 50 to 1701 views.

There was this friend who called me and was crying.

"Pare, I feel you.." (That's Part of Growing Up). We were crying. I said its going to be OK, but I also don't know how to make things OK. Sometimes I am getting tired of saying OK. Anu ba dapat? KERIBELS? Haha... I am OK! Here it goes. I am still walking. Writing. Dreaming. Scared to fall again. I guess time really heals.

A close friend also called me in the middle of the night - She was crying, but she was more focused on her problems. Haha! But yes she also told me that's its going to be OK. I know the world seems to be unfair lately, hypocrites are rampant, everybody seems to know and want everything. Funny thing here is that we ended up saying "We are so born in the wrong country". LOL. Though I seldom say it - I love you Girl! I really appreciate your call. I needed that call. I needed a reality check.

Freedom to love. Some are reacting on my "Sana" entry. What a strong and fearless way of coming out as per a friend. I wish one day people are going to accept LGBT people. I wish one day - my future partner wouldn't be afraid of being with me. But for now, I just want to move on.

I am flattered. My emotions are bursting too much I think I am bipolar na.

To all my page viewers. Thank you for reading. Kasi now I believe I am convincing. Nakakataba ng pusong nawasak.

Bad Dream

Woke up from a very bad dream. I immediately stood up and went to cry-ola mode again. I can't believe heartaches can make you as miserable like Sisa. I couldn't believe I was crying again. Then I saw a text message. It was from her.

My dream was like this. I was looking for my Ex gf's science experiment. Turned out, in my dream, that the guy was a local musician. My friend told me, I guess this friend was Des(my rockstar buddy). Then I used all of my life savings to buy two VIP tickets. One for me and Des.

Having the VIP privileges there was this meet and greet and take a photo with the god dammed science project and his band mates. I gave the camera to Des and told her to get whatever scene I am going to do. When I was about to get near of the science project - I saw her, looking at me, she's really pretty. My plan went immediately zero to weirdo.

The science project told me it was her wife. I stared at him with a blank - gloomy ish face. I looked at Des as she was making a gesture - punch the science project NOW!

I walked out. Crying, weeping, immediately sat on the ground, had a pat from behind. "Hey..",

It was the science project's band mate, "Have you been crying because of Chris?, he's a real Jerk, I wonder why her wife is still with her"....

I just smiled at the guy. He went back on the stadium. left his calling card.

"OMG, IKAW NA JUL"............

"Hahaha.. wait... the science project??? and this guy??"

I was hyperventilating. My heart was aching. I could kill the guy. I was holding a comb - knife. I cant. I just want to have her again.

.....................................................................must wake up






......pwede ba ako sumama sa sta.cruzan.........................



omg malapit na akong mag rosa mistica. 


cry-ola mode. 

HANGGANG SA MULI - POW CHAVEZ

As I wander around and make myself busy from feeling this painful heartbreak. I happen to find out more lesbian bloggers. Its interesting - as I just came out last March.

"Let's go mga BRO ans SISTERS!". Lets get this country have the FREEDOM TO LOVE.

As I was browsing firewomyn's blog. You have a great blog po pala. Again thank you sapphic lounge. Truly their blog sites are very informative. Now I happen to be addicted to POW CHAVEZ song Hanggang sa muli. 

Nakatitig sa kawalan
Di malaman ang dahilan
Naghihintay na makita ka
Hanggang ang araw ay sumikat na

Di nararapat na umasa pa
Di nararapat na pilitin pa
Mga oras na kapiling ka
Kailangan mag paalam na

(Hangang sa muli)
Aking mahal
Lilimutin na mga lumipas
(Hangang sa muli)
Aking mahal sa akin ay
Malaya na

Hanggang maghilum ang mga sugat nito
Ibibigay saiyo ang lahat ng ito

Hanggat minamahal ng lubos
Walang ipagkakait
Dahil sa pag ibig ko

Kahit nasa.......saktan

Sa tuwina hinahanap hanap
Sa tuwina nangungulila

Paano na ang iyong mga yakap
Itoy pangarap ko na lang
Hindi maiwasan na maalala
Hindi maiwasan na isipin pa

Ngunit oras na kapiling ka
Kelangan mag paalam na 

(Hangang sa muli)
Aking mahal
Lilimutin na mga lumipas
(Hangang sa muli)
Aking mahal sa akin ay
Malaya na

Hanggang maghilum ang mga sugat nito
Ibibigay saiyo ang lahat ng ito
Hanggat minamahal ng lubos

Walang ipagkakait
Dahil sa pag ibig ko

Kahit nasa.......saktan

Nais mang labanaaaaa-an

Magpapaalam na..........


Malaya ka na.........

(Hangang sa muli)
Aking mahal
Lilimutin na mga lumipas
(Hangang sa muli)
Aking mahal sa akin ay
Malaya na

_I wish to have a cover of this song too.

*salut - Sapphic Lounge, Firewomyn and POW CHAVEZ

3:23 am

I am still awake. I guess ive lost my mind.

That's part of growing up

"Gusto ko magka family, Gusto ko magka anak.." she said.

Those words are haunting me every time. I couldn't understand. She was my lover, my best friend, I couldn't believe and manage myself to accept it. I just got used to her company. I begged her to stay, though I don't beg. But she didn't accept it.

My mind wandered too much, was he better? I could be better? Ill make my hair long. Ill wear girly clothes and I swear hindi ka mapapahiya. Ill send and fetch you from work? Ill get a sperm donor, Ill carry babies for us to have a family. I even thought of having a female to male transition.

Tears started rolling - we were inside my car. I cried like there's no future ahead for me. I wanted to disappear. I started hitting my self again. The feeling was devastating. I wish I was a man in a snap. I wanted to kill all men. I hate men. I hate boys.

Now I am asking myself lately, Who do you turn to when the only person in the world that can stop you from crying is, is exactly the one that made you cry?

2006, Eco class, she was wearing Pink - she was listening to our professor. She was top of the class. She couldn't see me, she was holding a yellow colored pencil high lighting every word she hears on her hand outs.

"Muslim ka ba?" I said - what a loser. It wasn't a tag line, I just knew someone who has the same last name and a Muslim. From that day on, I wanted to be near her always. Everything is beautiful about her. It was obvious she was straight. I was just a stubborn baller. I didn't know I was that interesting to her.

There was this time I still had feelings from my abusive ex girl friend. I was actually adjusting that time, I had to balance my family problems, grades, quitting the basketball team issue and my knee injury.

Basically I got on the right track - she gave me hope in finding my self back. She is the only person in this world who I opened to without any hesitation. She is the only one who knows my flaws and my darkest secrets.

It was a roller coaster ride. She was with me thru ups and downs. There were a lot of memories learned. She was everything I could hope for. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost her. I know I could've given more.

I hate you for letting me go. I love you so much and it sucks to let you go. I want to push you around. I want to hug you. I want to shout at you. I want to love you forever, but my definition of forever is over.

To all of my friends who are very supportive. Thank you.

Sorry if my system doesn't register sometimes. I know life goes on. I've heard that too much from you guys. I am on my way to reach my dreams without her. I know I realized that things changed. She changed. Her feelings changed. I have to accept it. Like I always say - That's part of growing up.

Madaya.

Gusto ko mahimatay. Matauhan. Kaso ito lang ang naiisip kong gawin para maibsan ang nararamdaman ko.

Ang daya mo - kasi hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala, wala ka na talaga. Wala na tayo. Ang daya mo kasi hindi ako makatulog - ikaw siguro tulog na. Ang daya mo hindi ko alam kung paano mag sisimula. Ang daya mo hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko para hindi ako malungkot.

Ang daya mo - bigay ko yang cellphone na yan tapos ka text mo siya. Ang daya mo - napasakay mo na yata siya kay Gigi or Georgina. Ang daya mo kasi hindi mo ko pinakilala ni isa sa officemate mo. Ang daya mo kasi kelangan ko mag paka girly pag kaharap ko kapatid at mommy mo. Ang daya mo kasi hindi mo na ako sisiputin

Ang daya mo, kasi in time matutupad na ung lifetime wish mo. Ang daya mo kasi makakapag lakad ka na sa red carpet - suot ung pangarap mong wedding gown. Naalala ko sabi ko sayo wag mo akong iimbitahan sa kasal mo. Totoo ayaw ko. Kasi mag eeksena ako dun. Ang daya mo talaga.

Ang daya mo - sabi mo saakin noon gusto mo ng 5 anak. Nasaktan pala ako nung sinabi mo saakin yun, kasi alam ko hindi ko mabibigay yun.

Lahat ng sinabi mo saakin naiisip ko ngayon.

Ang daya mo masosolo mo na sweldo mo. Ang daya mo makakaipon ka na. Ang daya mo ung mga pinakita ko sayo ipapakita mo sakanya. Ang daya mo alam mo lahat ng saakin. Ang daya mo talaga kasi alam kong pinipilit mong wag isipin ang lahat ng memories natin kasi you are apparently shutting me out. You should. I should be mad at you but I could not. Not even close. Kasi ang daya mo. Ang daya mo kasi mahal na mahal kita. Ang daya mo kasi alam kong mahal mo ako pero iba na gusto mo.

Ang daya niyo naman Lord. Ang daya niyo. Sana ginawa mo na lang akong lalake at ang bakla bilang babae.

Ganito ba talaga kasakit ang katotohanan? Makikinig ba ako sa iba na mag paka babae? sinabi niyo ba talagang masama maging ganito? ayaw ko talaga sa lalake e. bakit hindi makuha ng iba ung salitang RESPETO. bakit bawal ako ikasal sa babae? bakit? bakit hindi kita marinig? bakit? bakit? bakit? Bakit wala masyadong role ang babae sa bible??

Ang daya niyong lahat.:(

Someone Like You - Lyrics

My theme song for the month of MARCH til I don't know.

"Someone Like You"

 I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/someone-like-you-lyrics.html }
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over yet

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

2012

You are such a year.