Finally, I found the GOOD in Goodbye

I wish to find someone who will remove all my fears and replace them with a brand-new desire to take a life-changing risk, someone who will remind me that I am bigger than all these shadows that sit at the edge of my bed that I named ‘insecurities’ for the longest time. 

Someone who will remind me that nights are for calmness and not for forsaken silent battles. I wish to find that someone who’ll give me the same thrill of waking up every morning and see what kind of adventure awaits. 

I wish to find that person who will teach me how to forgive myself for not being the person I desperately wished to be. I hope to find that perfect half who will help me glue back all the shattered pieces of my heart that I didn’t have the strength to puzzle. 

I wish that someone will bring in all the daylights that I shooed away, and all the summers that I labeled as temporary. I wish I will meet that someone who will give a damn about the sacrifices I do. I wish she is able to convey the different meanings of rainy days and sunshine. I wish this person will refuse to give me up when things get hard. 

I wish that someone will refuse any temptations as she will only see me as the complete package they have always wanted and afraid to lose. 

I hope, to be able to find another reason to live and believe in love. May I find that someone who’ll teach me to trust my heart and choices in life once again. I really hope that this time — love will serve me best. 

Because I deserve to be loved. I do not want to settle for less anymore. 

But for now, all I can do is to love myself, so that when the universe finally decides to cross our paths. We can finally say, it was all worth the wait. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to wake up next to you. See you soon. ❤️

Sana(Adult Version)

Ang tanda ko na, gusto ko na mag asawa. Naisip ko yan kanina. Natawa ako and at the same time nalungkot. Sapagkat, malapit na kasi mag valentines day kaya siguro ako bitter biteran na naman. Hindi mo naman ako masisisi kasi mag tatatlong buwan pa lang akong single, siguro naman by next month tapos na ang sinasabi nilang 3 month rule, diumano. Bakit ko ba yon naisip? Ah kasi pwede na makipag date after 3 months. Pauso. Hehe depende na lang yan. Basta ako, hindi ko pa kaya... sarili ko muna ang aasawahen ko. Haiiiyo.

Gusto ko na actually mag mahal uli. Alam ko madami akong kayang ibigay, pero andito pa rin sa dibdib ko ung takot na baka iwan na naman ako. Madalas naiisip ko, deserve ko naman talaga ng taong mapagmahal at maalaga. Minsan naman meron pa kayang mag mamahal sa isang tulad ko?

Hindi naman ako madamot. Mapagbigay naman ako. Pero kasi bakit ganon, ubos na ubos ako tuwing iniiwan ako ng minamahal ko. Hiling ko na lang eh sana ung susunod na magmamahal sa aken, rerespetuhin ako. Mamahalin ang magulang ko at pamilya ko. Marunong magpakumbaba at humingi ng pasensya. Sana ung susunod ko, may modo, may takot sa diyos. Sana takot siya sa away, dahil ayaw namen masira ang nasimulan namen. Sana hindi siya masakit magsalita. Sana lahat ng gusto ko supportahan niya rin at ganon din naman ako. Sana parehas kming maging successful sa aming careers. Biyayaan kami ni lord ng kahit isang anak, ok na. Wala namang mali mangarap pero may mga pagkakataon na naiisip ko na. Baka best tita nlng talaga ako. Or best friend ng taon? Pero walang maling maghangad. Gusto ko na magkapamilya. Gusto ko ng kasangga. 

Hindi ko mapigilang magisip kung mayron nga bang mali saakin? Gusto ko lang naman umuwe sa taong alam kong ako lang ang laman ng pusot isipan nila. Sa totoo lang, I cant wait. I cant wait na dumating ang huling magmamahal saakin, ung anjan lang at ikaw lang ang pipiliin kahit anu pa. Gusto ko na siya makilala, dahil gusto ko maramdaman na mahalin ako ng tulad ng pagmamahal na binibigay ko, ung walang reservations, kayong dalawa lamang. Mahal niyo, ang isat isa. Parehas kayong magtutulungan pataas. Sana makilala na kita. Sana wag mo ako bitawan pag nawala ako sa sarili. Sana magtiwala ka sa kakayahan ko. Sana ako lang makapagpasaya sayo. Sana ako lang ang hindi mo kayang saktan o iwan. 

Kamahal mahal naman ako. Alam ko mabuti naman akong tao. Sana dumating ka na. 

Destinasyon.

Napaka haba nang ating nilakbay,

sa dinami-rami ng mga iyak, yakap at akbay,

ngunit heto at dumating nanaman tayo sa dulo,

kailangan ko rin palang bitiwan ang iyong mga kamay.

Hindi ko kailan inakala

sa lahat ng lungkot at saya,

lahat ng pagsubok na nilampasan nating dalawa

ay paghahanda lamang pala 

sa mga bukas na hindi na ako ang iyong makakasama.

Ngayon parang parusa ang maramdaman iyong alaala.

Sana man lang kasi nagkaroon ng kahit konting babala

tila naging tagahatid lang pala ako

at sakanya pa rin ang destinasyon mo........

She left me broken, all over again.

It was so early in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I had panic attacks last night and I was feverish, due to the covid19 vaccine I took 2 days ago. They say it was normal to feel feverish. But the door bell rang, 7AM. 

I was hoping it was a dream, I think I saw her in the peep hole. I wanted to hug her immediately. I cried silently, behind the door. She patiently knocked her way in, and I prayed for a few minutes of sanity. Why is she here? Is she here to hurt me again?

I opened the door. I saw her face, we were such a mess, I saw her eyes, they looked like they were swelling too. She immediately said can we talk and diverted her attention to one of our cats Bebu, who was beside the door, and she tried to look for the other cat ChanChan. I told her she was inside my room. I couldn't react well. I was scared of how capable she is of hurting me. Whether it was physically or verbally, but I was ready to fire back when needed. I told her I really do not have any of your recordings. I don't know about them. She just nodded.

She spent time with our cats, I looked at her while I was working in bed, she was playing with the cats. I missed her so much. I even said, wala ka bang pasok? she said wala. Then I focused on my laptop. She asked if I ate already I said, I don't know how to cook, so hindi pa. 

Eventually her phone was on timer, it was 9AM ata. She said she wanted to take a nap. I said ok. She suddenly asked "How are you". I wasn't able to answer, I wasn't able to tell what's wrong. Well letting her inside the house was wrong. Eventually she said she will go home and sleep, she has an observation by 1pm. We hugged, we had a small talk, she said sorry and thank you. I tried not to cry, but all I felt was hurt and annoyance. I said why, kasi akala niya galit ako.

My head wanted to say, I still love you even if you hurt me lot, I never wanted to lose you, to me you're my soulmate. 

I panicked, I couldn't breathe again, I puked again with acid on the toilet bowl, we haven't eaten anything. She handled me a liniment/katingko(something she offered me when we first met) and tears started falling, I can't feel my limbs again, I am losing her again.

I told her to leave me already, she already left me long time back, so its gonna be easy for her to leave me, I told her why is she enjoying to hurt me, why is she doing this to me? I told her that I always defend her name even when others are upset with her. She was trying to say something, but I said yes, it doesn't matter anymore, lets us leave it all to 2020. Forget 2020. Forget about me, forget about us and I will forget about you. Were a never was. I even said I was sorry for being hard on her on the later part of our relationship, but I was wanting her to love me a little harder because I needed her, she's the only real thing I can hold on to, I told her I gave her my all but she chose to leave... I said she can't hurt me anymore. 

I couldn't feel anything, I was calling my cousin again from Ireland who is a nurse, she was with me last night when I was panicking for help. I told her that I thought drank 3 anti-depressants all in the same time. I thought I might die in overdosing myself. She helped me calm down. She was on the other side of the bed. 

Until I felt a little relaxed. I told her "I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I have Major depression, I am not okay, I am trying to protect myself, I have been isolating myself" 

I saw her out of my room, she was in and out of my house. I thought I heard her cry, she doesn't want anyone to see her cry. But I heard her. She didn't said anything at first, she said I was gonna be okay soon. I felt her holding my hand and she said she's gonna leave, I felt her kissed my forehead. From there, I felt she was gone. She left me, broken, all over again. 

Letter to myself

Dear Jul, 

I know you’ve been struggling lately. You’re not yourself and you seemed lost in a place you’ve never been before. I know you’re wandering thru the midst of nothingness right now — unable to find the right path and where your purpose leads you. I know your heart is so heavy that you’re having a hard time carrying and accepting all uncertainties. I know sometimes to you, it all still feels like a joke. Like a dream turned nightmare. I have seen you fighting reality, fighting countless/sleepless nights. It’s not easy. I know that, It’s never easy. It feels like everyone is judging you, using you and pushing you to your limits. But you ignore them and you keep fighting again and again.

I’m sorry for sometimes you become weak and could hardly fight. I am sorry for the tears you shed day and night. I see you hide all the time, protecting your heart. Sorry that fear and overthinking had overpowered you. You always tell me that you tried your best to stay focused but terror crept you, like there is a rewind button making you feel like your skin is being pricked. You managed to appear utterly independent when you were, in fact, desperately in need of company. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. Most of the time you choose to sleep it all away. I know, its hard to just swallow a pill. Yes, I know you’re damn exhausted but thank you. 

Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for choosing me and still waking up each day. Thank you for still finding the courage to keep it going even if you’re almost giving up. Thank you for opening your mind to look at the brighter side of every circumstances. Thank you for still smiling and happily take selfies daily, even though you know you’re already drowning in the depths of your emotions. Thank you for your finding ways to solve all of your problems. Thank you for driving yourself to work knowing that driving terrifies you. Thank you for your solid determination to move on with life regardless of how difficult it is for you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for loving me a little harder each day.  

You might have impressed a lot of people with your strength and determination, but where did it left you? In the void. Utterly alone. You see, it’s okay to share your sorrow to others. I know how reluctant you are in sharing it to people because you’ve been judged and criticized but keep in mind that there are still genuine and good people who are willing to listen to you without judgment. So kindly, stop shutting people out and try opening your doors to the world. Stop confining yourself into that lofty walls you built and start welcoming people in your heart. You have a good heart. I know that. They know that. We all know that.

Trust me, Jul. You’ll be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I know you’re waiting for that freedom — freedom to love and be loved, to express your love, to be passionate about life. To start a new challenge or even a better partner in life. It’s okay, I promise you. This shall pass. It will all come. Wait for it. It will sure be worth the wait. So be like the sun, it’s all alone but it still shines. 

Your mommy is so proud of you and I know she’s just there inside of your heart, guiding you and cheering you always. You have a loving family. Your sister and dad thinks about you always. Keep fighting my love. I love you forever, always, every day and I will only choose you whenever, wherever. 💪🏼 #cueinshakira #wheneverwherever #fightinganxiety

Julalay

Last year, well last December, I was cleaning my stuff at home. I saw this small pink letter. It was a letter from my all time crush, aminado na mga teh. 💪🏼😂 

So yeah, she said she will come to Baguio with me. It was an inside joke. Kami lang nakakaalam non. This was our world. 

When I first saw her, we were second year, she was with a friend studying in OLC. I felt stupid, looking at her from a far. Sakanya ko unang na experience yung love at first sighs este sight. Well in this case, ako lang nafall. I don’t think, nagustuhan niya din ako, that time.

Eventually, we became friends. She’s too pretty, guys and girls would always chase her and I was just a baller who studies if I need to. She was crazy, we used to talk in YM. Magsesend siya ng annoying stickers and mangangamusta pa yan. She was the complete package of everything I wanted in a girl. Top of the class, outstanding in everything, haha mayamang probinsyana! 😂 She also sings pala, oh I am such a fool for singers. I always dreamt of having a life time partner who sings.

Come 4th year college, she invited me to be her groupmate in our strama finals. Di ko akalaen na aayaen niya ko, so ayon, bakit ako? Hindi ko alam, of all the smart asses in BA. Haha!

It was so hard to hide my feelings for this lad every time I went to her condo to work on our strama. Pakahirap. I was also in a loving relationship that time. When I look at her, I felt the urge of being better. Ganon yon diba, nakakainspire, nakakahiya pumalpak. Pero iba ung guilt kasi may gf ako non. I wonder if nainis siya nun nalaman niya may gf ako. But ako lang siguro nagiisip non. Focus lang kami sa finals noon and guess what! We got the best strama award. 

Then napaisip ako, what if, nasabi ko sa kanya ung mga hindi ko nasabi? Like...

“Karleng, I have loved you hopelessly for years, I chose to be a friend and not a lover. But by any chance, for my sanity lang, papasa ba ako sayo? I mean noon?..” sabay tawa... Maybe, she would say, Yes. Abay punyeta. Why like this. 

What if, tinawagan ko siya out of nowhere and said halika let’s runaway and lets go north, Baguio it is. What if? May load ako pantawag sa smart line niya noon, Diba? Baka hindi niya piniling mawala sa mundo. Ansaya siguro noh? Araw araw kaming laugh-trip then may kilig. Buhay pa siguro siya, kasi korni daw ako. Susme. Tawang tawa kaya siya saken parati. 

Itong grad pic na to, we were together when we collected our grad pic. Dinumog lang naman siya ng mga blockmates niya, at nung nakita ko na iisa na lang ang natira. Kinuha ko agad, natawa siya, wala nang natira sakanya, para siyang naholdap. Tumakbo ako kasi baka bawien pa. Di ko sure kung nabigyan ko siya, kasi naubos din ung saken. 😂

Kung naging kami kaya, would I still be holding her hand? We’d be invincible siguro. She will be a great singer and I’ll be the road manager, wed be secret lovers. 

Or maybe, we just got married and we plan to have kids in Canada, tapos reside na din doon. She would be a finance director in some bank and I would be the business woman/actress/writer I have always wanted to be.... I think we make a good powerful couple. 

Well, maybe, just maybe, in another life, my Karleng. Imagination na lang muna, hanggang pangarap na lang tong nafefeel ko sakanya. She was my, the one that got away. She will always have a special place in my heart. 

So ayon, it has been 11 years since I last saw her. Nakakakilig pa din isipin yung mga funny times. Hay nako. Karleng. Anlakas mo din kmain. Pero, hnm. Pakiss. I love you. ❤️ Meet mo MOM ko she’s in heaven too. Kantahan mo siya ples. Halo ni Beyonce ha.

Another, one day today.

One day, I will stop imagining you, beside me, everyday at night in this cold weather nights. 

One day, I will stop to miss holding you, and looking at your face, first thing in the morning. 

One day, I will stop remembering how we first met, oh how magical that night was for me.

  

One day, I will stop finding you among the crowd. 

One day, I will stop thinking about you in my work hours. 

One day, I will stop hearing your voice.

One day, I will stop listening to our favorite song.

One day, I will stop recalling and wonder what could have been between us.  

One day, I will stop hoping that there will be even an us again. 

One day, I will stop my midnight reveries about you. 

One day, you will stop invading my heart and mind. 

One day I will be able to admit that you chose to stop loving me. 

One day, it won't even hurt to hear your name. 

But how come, today, another day, that you are still corrupting my brain? 

AND No matter how many times I tell myself I will be better off without you, 

part of me just feel like I can never let go. 

So I hope, tomorrow, yes it is another one day, that I will free myself from you completely. 

Written - January 9 2021