Thoughts. This Christmas.

Hurt the one who loves you?
Unintentionally hurting the one you love?
Intentionally hurting the one you love?

Don't be a fool.

I think it is a different kind of Karma. Could be a bitter sweet karma

There will come a time that you hurt the one you love, that someone should not be hurt at all. Our weak hearts tend to take the sweetest, the easiest and the one we think we deserve. Still we always they break the kindest heart. Profound love always involves reciprocity.

You believed this person lacks the ability to love you the way you wanted to. Still we choose to love, We risk it all with a weak heart, we chose that unripe feelings. That lack longing weak, lonely heart. A lack of reciprocity-that is, the knowledge that the one you suddenly love does not really love you - is not fully committed, not constant, ideal yet it is painful and could be humiliating. Because being profound is a low blow to your self esteem. Unrequited love, or is it semi unrequited love? It drives you crazy. It involves lies, this person is both source of great happiness and deep sadness. They drag you but you find yourself, being naturally caring. Distracted. You feel so much pain and yet so be in love with the same person causing it. It's an infinite cycle. Addicting, Hurting stupidly hurting. But in love. You love this person, wholeheartedly. Whatever shit is going on you find your heart forgiving and loving this person all over again.


Unintentionally - Was it really great from the very start? was it just a beat that we couldn't resist?
"I don't mean to hurt you." What this is the line running in his/her head. This love maybe uncertain but it is real, both real. Whether it is a feeling or situation wise. Suddenly - the answered prayer isn't exactly what you wished for. It needs to be thought thrice not even twice. This love requires to be wise. Because you can never lose at all. You are not sure if you love them, one of them or even want them.

However maybe one of them can make you feel like home, but you know you can't reciprocate fully or truly. Mainly because this love is too selfish to choose. Maybe because this is not on the priority list. It is a safe alibi. Win or lose. But he or she did not love one of them. He or she was too good for his or her ego. Maybe on of them made him or her feel better in his or her miserable lonely life. This person did not love one of them. Because we don't destroy the people we love. Believe me. You can't fuck off someone you love.

Hurting our beloved one on purpose - this is a series of conflicting perspective. Such as short term and long term perspective. Hurting the loved one can be a last resort which takes to bring whoever can be  dependent, this is what you call the dependency proportion. Hurting the beloved expresses an opposite wish to their partner/husband/wife: the lover's wish for more dependency and attention. this is indeed a common complaint of married men and women. If the lover is strong enough, as the lover might wish to be, it must sustain this measure. And in this world of reciprocation and selfishness - the heart just want it all. This person is a brat - he/she grew up to have everything and not lose anything.

I do not want to have an Oscar for blogging this - I could even write a novel out of it. However hurting the one's beloved is frequent. We all get hurt - whether we choose to hurt the one who loves you, unintentionally hurting the one you love and intentionally hurting the one you love. Therefore love is indeed a serious mental illness. I hope everyone gets to find their sanity this christmas. This isn't my story to divulge. Just pure thoughts.

I love me.

2018 Bucket List

1.Be thinner – get my old weight(gotta work hard on this)
2.BR to push through
3.Invest a house in South area - Philippines
4.IELTS Passer
5.Acting  Class to push through
6.Get a car – RAV4
7.Be great in BBALL
8.Save more for your farm
9.Migrate to Australia the soonest
10.Read 2 books per month
11.Be extremely honest
12.Volunteer
13.Write short stories
14.Compile all your poems
15.Earn money thru blogging
16.Bake more cakes
17.Try to open a cake store
18.Practice premiere pro
19.Take more pictures and videos
20.Take Time to reflect

21.Train for SCB 10K marathon – break the old records

22.Save save save

23.Buy another laptop for editing

24.Photography and editing class

25.Join toastmasters

26.Change how I wear clothes – from lousy to bossy looking

27.Another promotion – Senior Officer

28.Learn Arabic and French

To be continued 

    











x

My thoughts on the remaining months/days of 2017

Hmm. In 10 months, I will be hitting 30. Turning 30 is a milestone in a woman's life. I say WOMAN! And while I am at 29 at this year, it doesn't really mean that I have everything figured out. There are still a lot of things I want to accomplish.

So I have set up these points to constantly remind myself that I am only human and to love yourself more.

1. Continuously set up a plan / milestones

I keep thinking that it's good to know that one has a direction. I know what I want and I know where I am heading. Career wise and money wise. I recently got a raise, a promotion from coordinator to officer level, and passing CPP(Certified Purchase Professional). So I think I am good. *Suddenly the ACs wind, blows a lil harder for a second. HAHA! Bleh.

If you do not know what you want out of life then it's gonna be hard to achieve it. Still take some time to figure things out. Don't limit yourself. Set up a bucket list even though change is very constant, it is good to have a plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. 

2. Life goes on - "That's part of growing up" - one of my favorite lines.
I say you don't always know yourself well in the late teen years or early 20s. This is a fact. I remember having a mock interview and I said I would be sitting in my own desk, establishing a cake shop in 5 years. There was also a time a wanted to land in an advertising post. Which I never did! and that's totally okay, let the waves help you land on what you deserve. It takes time to know who you are and what you stand for. What matters is, you are the captain of your own life. Plan, Work, Execute, Pray and get it! I do trust  the 5th P in Marketing. Prayer! :) Hope we all end up with what we really want in life. 

3.Maturity and let it go attitude

I really think at this age, where I am almost 30.  You'll be having a good grasp on your principles and beliefs in life. I have overcome hatred. Hate is such a strong word. It is relatively true that we all come to major revelations at different points in our lives. What other people think of you is none of your business, so do not compare your life to others. Be kind. I recently had an epiphany moment where I thought of letting go of the things I really love, you can't force love. If it is for you, then it is all yours. Then again, Happiness is a choice. 

4. Forgiveness
It doesn't matter who was right or wrong, just say sorry. I would like to try to make peace with my past so it won't disturb my present. Time heals almost everything, give it time. But on second thought, I'd rather forgive myself sometimes, because I deserve it.

5. Read More, Play More Basketball.
I targeted reading 1 book per month this year. I have failed on this, let me make it up to you 2018.
Basketball, trying to win back my skills in this game. I have really forgotten how to play. Gahh.. I have new injuries btw. WHOA!

So they say life begins at 30. Tick Tock Berting. Stop thinking too much - its alright not to know all the answers. They will come when you least expect it.

SMILE! Dirty 30 in 10 months. Jeezz...

...Uncertainties

My Berting, What is this?

So you are sad again. You are being pathetic and needy right now. I know what you are feeling right now and is not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of the sadness that overwhelms your entire body. This kind of sadness makes your head overheat. Please admit you are tired of being a life saver. 

Yes, dear, you can't even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too. But you keep on fighting for the wrong side. I must say that the reason why we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great it won't happen twice.

You once said - In your hesitation, you found answer. 

This is what you have you have feared for, deliberately, losing control.

Focus Boy, for we all now, that happiness is a choice. YOU CHOOSE. 

 

Oh, that thing called Basketball.

I found myself looking down in distress. Gasping for air, as I try to fight back. I need to run or at least guard anyone from shooting. I couldn't focus like I used to. I wipe my face with my shirt's neckline

Have I really forgotten how to love you ? 

There was a time people me expected me to make a mistake and that mistake came that led me into injuries. Injuries that scared the hell out of me. Then I remember focusing on my academics instead of this game. But how do I bright back light to my glory days? Maybe I just need to be better.

Smarter not harder. Work hard. 

Warning.

I never got into a real fight, but when I need to I fire back. Oh, I will answer back. I will nail you.

I am sure you hate me, but I don't hate you I strongly despise you. It's a fact that hating me wont make you better than me. I do not find you at par with me, you are absolutely behind me. They say the only advantage you have from me is your junk lying in between your legs. Well I find it small, as cheaters are cowards that are tempted to chase the fantasy of what could be. 

No matter how many achievements you have right now, you are still an imbecile to the highest level. 

I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you unarmed. So your balls aren't working?

Call me if you have at least one. 

I am only HUMAN

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, no what ifs, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

It's human nature to surrender when life gives you more than you can stand.

Hi

Don't say anything

Just look at me in silence

Our eyes will not be fixated on ground

Let's try not to cry

This is magical, elating yet devastating.

If we learn nothing else from this tragedy

we learn that life is short and there is no time for hate

and it gets better

If you chose to look forward

and It gets colder.

If you chose to mourn.

You can't lose what you never had.

Every ending has a new beginning. 

Fly with me 

Rush Over Me

My LSS for the week. I just recently discovered Illenium and while I was listening to all of his tracks in youtube. I came across to this one striking song. 

For me this is a very emotional track, it' not just a beat. It's not like any other EDM tracks that was meant for you to party and get drunk. But if you are a good listener, It would definitely give chills to any EDM listeners. It is clearly about a couple, whom they love each other very much, however it is very clear that the other one had to say goodbye, and somewhat confused as he/she is begging for one last experience, most likely a sexual encounter or time together. It explains the pains of distance and missing our lovers in a great detail, beautiful lyrics, beautiful beat. I literally felt dreadful. I just want to make a music video out of it. 

So enjoy!  

Seven Lions x Illenium x Said The Sky Feat Haliene

[Pre-Chorus]
Your finger tips, on my skin
There's nothing that, I wouldn't give
To keep this love alive
We gave it all, we give it up
The chemistry, was not enough

Oh we just collide
I hate myself when I say:
"I need tonight just say goodbye
I will give what's left, inside"

[Chorus]
So rush over me one more time
I will miss you, torn apart after tonight
And we can't fix it
Rush over me one more time
The end is coming
Rush over, rush over me
'Cause I will miss you
'Cause I will miss you

Drop]

[Bridge]
Hold on to me now, before we lose this
I keep breaking down, can I do this?
I need tonight to say goodbye, to say goodbye
To say goodbye...
To say goodbye...
To say goodbye

[Drop]

To say goodbye

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

eBERTING is FINE

This week is a very busy week, I can't believe I found time to even blog about it. Well, want to blog tonight, because, well, just because. I am so busy I cannot find time to read! I just really wanna reflect how fast things were during the past few weeks. So today was day two of my CPP(Certified Purchasing Professional) class. To cut the story short, I got promoted again! YAY! and the company invested on me by giving me a 4 day training. 

I just wanna thank the Lords for giving me an opportunity to work in MAF(Enova). I am so privileged and humbled by all of the blessings I have been receiving. 

But on the other hand, some people just can't have it all. Some may prosper in their careers and not have a special someone. Someone might be smart, like summa cum laude smart, but their feet stinks like hell. HAHA! trying to make a point here. You gotta look left and right that life is not fair, you have to understand. And because I am single(haha). I am going to write what my heart says. 

-----

Dear Berting 

You are running towards your dreams of being an executive. LOL 

You're doing fine boy, just move forward. Don't look back. Keep yourself busy. 

-Berting3.0

-----

Dear Future Partner

Where art thou? 

Wherever - Whoever you are. I can't wait to spend every single day with you. We'll cook meals everyday. As the kitchen is our favorite part of the house. I would love to cuddle you every single moment, or even kiss you on your forehead. Might as well bite your eyebrows if you're trying to pull away from my hugs. We will talk foolishly while we eat. We can burp and fart around and laugh how bad it smells. 

We'll definitely play video games and see how hustler you are. I'll try to let you beat me in every game just to see you laugh in pure bliss. I will walk with you, hands, entwined, we'll point things that we both find annoying or interesting. We can be very weird with anything and that includes each other, there is no pressure to act a certain way. We just have a little Pluto here on Earth. Is that even possible? Well yeah, because we find ways in anything. 

I really wanna be your fall back, I will listen to every dream you want to achieve. I will always want to see you get what you want. Even that dream is to be with someone else. I will always listen to every rant you say. I will always persuade you, respect you. I will let you cry on me or even shout in glee when needed. 

I will always, love us, on how we can be very comfortable with each other. I'll never get tired of saying how beautiful you are. Because you really are. 

I will try not to stare at you for long. I will try not to be moody because I am usually insecure with all the people you may like. I can act like I do not care but I am usually dying inside. I hope you're good at reading minds, because most of the time I can't even understand myself, so please be patient with me. You can say that I am a badass, but this badass will always look up to you.

But if one day you realize that this love isn't meant for you. I will understand, even if I really don't. Just be honest with me. Then break it to me gently. Give me a proper goodbye. 

Comeback if you still can. Stay even if you don't hear me beg. But I will always love you.

Berting

. 

Clarity.

Love is a serious mental illness.

Is this superficial. Is it just a feeling?

There are times that I feel like I am being blinded by the fact of being in love. Love is so mysterious there are times that I feel like I am in another dimension, acting foolishly, carelessly. I lose myself trying to get away with this continuum.

I just want silence tonight. I am so confused.

I guess I was expecting too much. So let me remind myself not to expect. Just go with the flow.

Finding Comfort

I think it was once a dream. 

I couldn't ask for more.

She mimicked words I longed to hear

Her presence was infectious.

Talking to her was never hard. 

From a far. 

I saw her. I smiled.

My heart cheered. 

All I wanted tonight is our peculiar kind of comfort.

Is it selfish to ask ANYONE to fill this emptiness?

I got used to be alone

and I hate being like this 

Lonely, pathetic

Needy. 

I hope this is just a dream.

I am tired of figuring out solutions

It is not even my problem to begin with 

How do I open dead ends?

When will I get what I need?

How long to I have to wait.

Do I really have to wait?

Who can save me from distress. 

Can I run to you?

Because I find comfort in you.

My head hurts.

My head throbs, it overheats at the moment. I think of the things that could happen before it happens. I like to plan ahead. 

But lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like I am holding and believing what I know that I deserve. I am blinded by the fact that I have been anticipating a dead end and I have been anxious watching it play out. Hoping and praying for a miracle. I try to contain the fact that I am just waiting for another cycle, looking at my screen, frustrated, breaking, missing, forgiving someone who always let me down. I am tired of caring consistently, mainly because I am tired of expecting and staying up at night as thoughts like this consume me and I can't sleep, my head is pulsating. I feel lonely now. I need somebody to love and hold. But I can't get what I want. And I want it all. I distract myself, again and again. I am only human. Such a selfish human. 

Tempting

I hated going to the dentist. I always felt bankrupt. I always feel that dental care is an unwanted expenditure. But today, was different. Since my insurance doesn't cover dental care, I woke up 6am to be able to get a morning slot in a dental hospital school which you only get to pay 50AED for dental services. This is amazing!

I was waiting to get a morning slot so I can report to work in the afternoon, however I wasn't able to get a morning slot since, there were more people who went earlier than me. Imagine the anxiety of long wait and you being scared to death if you are going to get a root canal.

Around 1:30PM there was this dentist, she welcomed me warmly. She joked and said, was your full name pronounced correctly? I said, yeah. But you may call me July like the month. She was wearing blue contact lenses and spectacles. Her english was perfect. I assume she is Jordanian or Palestenian who was born and raised in UK. IDK. Jeez I could've asked. As we enter a room filled with dental chairs, a couple of doctors and interns. I sat down into her dental chair, whiter than white.

She asked me tons of questions, do you have any records of diseases? allergies? Injections? are you afraid of dentists? I said 8 out of 10, yes, I am afraid of dentists. She said she was afraid as well and she knew she's a dentist too. And the only question I really wanted to hear from her was. What is your number July? :) wink***

I was doubting if she is feeling the same way about me. Wishing hoping she might want to hang out. gaaahd. I tried not to get distracted. While she checked my teeth, my mouth wide-opened and I was trembling a little.

With good intentions, maybe within a few seconds, my good-looking doctor has transformed into pretty lady with a drill in her hands. Again I tried not to breathe hard as she might smell something bad. She says, your teeth are clean. My head goes, why did my tooth filling fell. LOL. This is faith, I am falling. Maybe it is faith that brought us to meet. LOL. Damn it. She again stares at me, I tried to be still as possible, by gripping the arms of the chair. 

"let me know if it hurts"

It doesn't hurt a thing baby. After a few minutes, she told me to use the saliva sucker(idk whats the name of that equipment) like a straw, so there goes my saliva. Flowing. Again she starts to drill and I tried not to stare into his eyes- mesmerizing, deep, so serious, she doesn't have any pimples. Oh, those spectacles looks good on her. 

That dentist has seen my teeth,maybe she saw millions of teeth already and it’s hardly a romantic moment I thought. She was so near my forehead she can almost kiss me. One wrong move and she might drill a hole on my cheek. Still, I stayed, undeterred. As soon as she was done, I tried to gain composition by asking her number. I stared at her, again and again. I felt there was a weird electrifying shindig there. Again my brain goes, ask for her number. Hi Dr Aisha is it possible to see you in a non professional meeting? Say it.. Just say it!

I thanked her, she was so charming, great. I DIDN'T GET HER NUMBER. HUHU. And now I am blogging it. I mean, really. Do you want to go to dinner or coffee date, who half-way through a meal,looks deep into your eyes as you chew, and says ”Babe, spit please, open your mouth wider?" Damn. Was that even sexy? LOL. Nasty. I am not single. But it was tempting. Seriously tempting. 

Lately I have been

I can't wait to have my top surgery, I have always wanted them removed. I really want them removed before I reach 30s. I can no longer carry the stress of people attacking my body. Attacking my hatest part of my body. I can't stare at myself sometimes in the mirror seeing my breasts makes me lose my cool. I am disgusted how they grew bigger. I did my best to lose more weight, but this will never ever shrink until I have surgery. I will have them removed. No inshalas. I WILL! And I will be the happiest unicorn ever lived.

BOW. 

hit me baby one more tiiime, my lonelinessss is killing meee... lalala..

Great, it is 12:45am now in UAE. I really can't sleep because I drank ice cold coffee for dinner. House blend coffee made by yours truly, Berting. I am contemplating at the moment whether to drink one glass of JD Coke to surpass this loneliness that I feel.

This could also make me sleep in no time. Yes, I love this drink. Friggin people on 20th floor consistently make their bed bunks noisy in the evening and morning, I do not want to understand the noise they create.

I feel lonely. 

Maybe because I don't have anyone to talk to. I do not have someone to share how was my day. I feel needy, craving for somebody's attention and appreciation. I want someone to please me sometimes, to revere me. To look at me as if I am the most amazing creature god has created. Haha. It may sound like a desperate call.  But is it too much to ask somebody to put nothing above me, just for a night/day? 

But I just really want somebody now, now and now. I do not want any problems of the world now. Just please make the world stop spinning. 

So, Jack accompanies me now, Jack made me write this entry. Jack makes me happy for no reason. My vision is quite blurryy now. Jack makes me cry sometimes,,, Jack makes me forget and expect from people. Jack why can't you just marry me. LOL. 

Gawd I have become straight. Not. I hate you Jack. I am gay, like Marvin Gaye. Gay as in happy. Blech. 

Pansin plez.

Kevs.

Dear Dad,

Hallo, Belated. Tnry kitang tawagan kahapon, kaso hindi ka naman sumagot. Nag msg ako hindi ka naman nag reply. Buti pa sa iba nag message ka. Pinost nung minessage mo sa FB ung message mo skanya. AT! mukhang dinelete na yata, Haha ililike ko oa man din sana, nascreen grab ko nga eh.. Anyway wag ka mag alala hindi ako magsusumbong kay mother. Wala din naman akong mapapala hehe.. Kevs.

Nag post ako sa fb ng picture naten noong 2015 christmas, tinag pa kita. Grabe andme mong mga kaibigan na bumati. Pag tinag kita mahina ang 100 likes. Minimum likes mo ata ay 100 pataas. Sabi nga namen ni ate, isa kang social butterfly, lahat gusto kang kasama. Cool ka kasi eh. Lahat kasi sila pinapahalagahan mo, lahat sila binibigyan mo ng attensyon.Wala naman sigurong masama maging friendly. Anyway hindi ko maipaliwanag ng maige, pero naiintindihan kita sa sitwasyon mo ngayon, comeon it runs in the blood sabi mo nga? bunso ka din kasi and lalaki tayo, mahina. Charot. Kahit nakakatampo, hindi ko na lang iniisip. Kasi kevs.

Pasensya na mejo masama loob ko. Nung pasko, dumalaw ako sa Doha. Lahat ng kaibigan mo Daddy halos ang tawag sayo. Haha, pwede mag selos ng konti diba? kasi ako talaga orig na anak eh. Pero kalma lang ako. Kevs lang.

Hindi ako umasa ng material na bagay sayo nung dumalaw ako sa Doha. Hindi ko nga magets kung bakit tila hirap na hirap ka sa buhay eh graduate naman na kami ni ate. San ka ba nag iiinvest?
At buti pa silang mga kaibigan mo, pinautang mo pa minsan. Ako kasi naalala ko gusto ko mag acting class, hindi mo ako sinuportahan. My gahd, bitter pa ako. Kevs na kevs mo akez non. Di bale pag iipunan ko na lang yung gusto kong gawen. Puro sama ng loob gusto ko sabihin sayo kaso, parehas na tayo ngayon, kevs. Ayaw na ten ma stress diba?

Kaya Kevs. Ang relasyon nateng mag ama ay tila naging kevs.
Basta  ganito na lang, pasalamat ako kay lord at naging mabuti kang ama saaken.
Mahal kita. Mahal mo din ako diba. So aun. Kevs lang tayo.

Finally. Enrique wah!

I am not really a fan of going to concerts kasi as I always say. "hindi mo naman sila mahahawakan". True, but who knows I might be picked from the crowd and give him a smack! lol. By watching his previous concerts, he kissed one fan on stage. Niamet. Inshalla, pick me ENRIQUE!

I had a huge crush on this guy since HS. And I thought I look like him sometimes, nyaha walang basagan. Ang gwapo ko este niya! I bought 2 tickets to this concert, one for me and my date, my MOM. This would be my valentines gift for her. IM SO EXZOOITED!

FIL-AM

Dear Lord,

Thank you for showering me with blessings these past few days.
I am gonna work harder to deserve these blessings and I am gonna pray and work smarter for everything, I trusted your timing, and I know this is the moment I have been waiting for. I will improve myself more by learning and I should never stop learning. I should stay away from my comfort zone. Thank you for giving me hope and love. Thank you because I have great parents and a strong loving family, I will always try my best to be happy and avoid negativity. I will love more, show kindness and forgive people. Thank you for everything, I am truly blessed.

-----

We are in the 2nd month of the year and by far this it is going well!

To start with, I just wanna blog about my realization, that, I have learned to fully enjoy what I earned from hard work by splurging wisely. I am so proud of myself for being frugal since early childhood. I just want to say, I no longer, somehow deprive myself for the things I want to buy. But I am still the same old person who thinks not twice but thrice when buying anything, especially on gadgets. I honestly grew up buying the things I need. I wasn't born rich, but we were good and we work hard for what we want.

To start, I bought a new mountain bike(Land Rover - folding). I am surely enjoying every moment when I use it, it is kind of heavy but I will make modifications to lighten the bike. Still I am happy for buying this bike instead of getting another gym membership. :) ha! For those who have back pains like me, consider not only the price of the bike but the weight and how can you put it inside your trunk. But I've always wanted to buy a bike ever since I came here. Whoever invented bikes, you are amazing.

For the thousands of wired earphones I had. Sorry, I am hoping that my new wireless, ehem, I bought wireless earphones - brand name Samsung Iconx. The sound is, the bomb. However it only last 3 hours. Well, biking for 3 hours with these monsters aren't bad at all :)

Yesterday, I have decided to learn another skill rather than lazing around weekends. I went to videography class only to find out that they require students to buy a dslr cam. And I bought one last night.. And the funny part is that I haven't told my mom. I don't think there will be a problem on it, she will just say, congratulations, you bought it. My new DSLR camera is a Nikon d5200 :D The original price was 1800AED. But when I came across one facebook page, I saw a great deal and the seller happens to live 2 bldgs away from ours. Isnt it amazing! The owner of the camera didn't even had the chance to use the camera that much, It was good as new and no scratches. The reason why he was selling the camera is that he is in dire need of the money. The camera was sold for 1200AED, I tried not looking at him when he was telling me that the money earned from selling his camera will be used for his daughter, his daughter that needs to go on an exit as the visa is about to expire. Well at least I got to help someone. Sacrifices made him sold his passion. So people, don't get married yet. HAHA! Kidding. I wanted to cry in front of him. It was a sappy moment. Happy for the new cam and buying it in a cheaper price. Sad cause I had to buy it from a very passionate and aspiring photographer.

I shopped for corporate clothes, I buy food in restaurants sometimes,. I am getting a credit card this week, I got a line at Du last month. Soon I might get my own car and bring the GF here, :) It is kind of scary but I am amazed how a I am blessed these past few days. As annoying as it may seem I am #blessedeveryday

I love me. I am a fil-am. FILIPINO AMAZING. Char

Yesternight, if that's even a word. Ha!

Two weeks ago, a colleague set up a karaoke night. I am actually not a fan of going out in groups. But I tried, for a change. Because I have been in my shell for quite some time. I mean everyone would like to be in a group where you'd feel happy, supported, belonged etc. I deserve a drink for the hell week. And my fears of going to that event came. All the time I am always a target of attention. I do not like being in the lime light, I don't like being the spot light. Some people enjoy being the eye candy of a party, but I don't. This is why, I tend to be quiet on the side of the room, sometimes I distract myself using my earphones. I intentionally eat alone sometimes during lunch breaks and don't make eye contact with loud people. I seriously don't like face to face bashing, whether it is good about me or not. I don't like being microphoned to let anyone I have a new gadget, new hair doo, I lost or gained weight. I seriously hate reaching the headlines. This is the reason I don't like joining parlor games at parties, because you'll be the center of laugh lines. in other words.

PIKON po kasi ako. I believe in the saying

I'd rather be silent, than to say something rude. But why does my silence gets reciprocated by this? Being attacked, deliberately. 

My favorite teacher, way back once told me that words are like swords it is strong enough to break someone. So be careful with the words you let out of your mouth, you cannot take it back anymore.

I had a rough week, a very exhausting week. My workload was too much for me. And so there was one engineer, who knew me, I didn't know him. He started asking about one contract, I wanted to explain but I was tired and I just wanted to have a good time. I fired back by saying, I want to have fun. Strike one. 

Even the nicest people has limitations, I was being nice and firm. I didn't even smirked, I know I am doing well at my work. Few more bottles of Heineken, he started feeling a little bit too high of himself. I usually stay on the side, karaokeking. Again, if that's even a word. Karaokeing. I don't remember why all of the sudden he was talking about another contract. I felt pissed. I went to the toilet to flush and ignore the vibes he was starting to say. I fucking want to have a good time. 

When I came back another engineer was there. I was dead silent, but my head keeps on talking, "Jeez, another asshole, another feeling gwapo looking gago". Nobody heard it, it was all in my head and now in my blog. LOL. I started going in and out of the karaoke room. When I came back Engineer number 1 started a connivance with Engineer 2, I wasn't listening. They were teasing me, attacking me, fuck these retards. I went out again and again, a couple from my right, I think noticed my continuous going in and out scheme. 

And there goes my patience, gone, as Engineer 1, called me Jollibee. Although I love Jollibee, I super hate people making fun of my name. I remember a classmate way back in elementary got into the guidance office as he kept teasing me with my unique name. I felt really really upset. The face of my sister, when we were still enemies, haha, flashed into my head, she said "Bato bato sa langit and tamaan wag magagalit, ang pikon ay laging talo"

I stood up and told another friend that I will leave at 11. I ignored and ignored the engineer. My pride, my tired soul, won, by ignoring him. I think I won. This is why I never like engineers. Kidding. My dad used to say if a guy keeps on teasing you, he likes you, well, I don't like these kind of men. Still I am proud of myself, for not snapping. And keeping my virtues intact.

For now, I guess. I will not go out in groups anymore. As I get older, I just really want to be surrounded by lovable and good people, people who are good for me and good for my soul. That would be my family, my great friends, and my love life. 

So if you ask me why do I look in the ground, because anyone is capable of breaking my soul. This is how I keep myself from drama. 

Living in Sharjah

I am not sure if I blogged about this, but my mom and I  moved to Sharjah because we knew rent was hiking up in Dubai. It was no longer nice to pay for an amount that we could invest a condo in Manila and it was no longer practical as an overseas worker. Although we are not supporting anyone. It wasn't just practical! - Thank god, I am not a single mom or what. LOL

1. Well, I found out that maybe, just maybe another reason why we moved to Sharjah, why I live miles away from Dubai civilization is that I am kind of allergic to other peoples drama. Haha. I enjoy being alone inside the bus. Although sometimes I get easily pissed when hungry. Please?

2. Last 2 weeks ago, I went on an adventure walking until I arrived into a park. Recently I love jogging around on Al Ittihad park. I am contemplating on buying a bike so I can use it it buhaira corniche, which is btw amazing! I enjoy deciding on my own. Although some people might think that at this age why do I still live with my MOM. Baket ba, close kami and I prefer living with Family rather than sharing a room with a friend. Still I consider sharing a room with a friend, if ever my mom decides to retire. but sometimes I'd rather be alone. I am considering the thought of being alone or renting a room for my own. Inshala.

3. Apart from the "others" drama stage, I feel bad when I rant to someone else. Although I miss getting comfort from people, which I am trying to avoid. I just got used to diverting it elsewhere. At the moment food is my divertion. :P At the same time, it made me less patient about others drama. Al Qassimia where I live now makes me feel like I am in Manhattan feels. Although I haven't been there. haha! I just feel cozy and warm here. And we have a good view living at 19th floor flat. Itt has an amazing looking at Megamall from a far.

4. Most of the people I know lives in Dubai. Therefore nobody can attack my weight, haha! Sharjah, has been nice to me, I am exploring the wonders of this place. DO not under estimate this emirate. It has hidden cultures that you need to explore yourself. My next agenda is to buy a bike and go on museum hunting. :)

5. Although traffic is an issue. Traffic here is moving anyhow. It is not as bad as Manila. LOL

So, I am loving every bit of Sharjah. Looking forward to more adventures.I really hope the rent here doesnt go up. As I dont want to transfer into another emirate next to Sharjah, which is Ajman. Please... I love Sharjah :) :) :) ) :) :) :)

Babay 2016!

Good bye 2016, you are one of the best years I have experienced. You taught me how to work hard and stay away from my comfort zone. You taught me forgiveness. You taught me love, kindness, value of great friends and family.

To wrap it up, 2016 made me accomplished things that I never thought I could. I never thought I could reach this stage, this might be called maturity. HAHA.


I wanna thank my mom and my sister for pushing me and encouraging me in times of distress.
I love you both!

My dad who supports me in anyway, I know your puns has a deeper meaning. Thanks for all of your funny jokes. I did get my charms from you. You silly thing. LOL

To all my friends and family thank you all for your love and sincerity.
Although attacking my weight is unacceptable haha!

Looking forward for a better 2017.

Unicorn