Two weeks ago, a colleague set up a karaoke night. I am actually not a fan of going out in groups. But I tried, for a change. Because I have been in my shell for quite some time. I mean everyone would like to be in a group where you'd feel happy, supported, belonged etc. I deserve a drink for the hell week. And my fears of going to that event came. All the time I am always a target of attention. I do not like being in the lime light, I don't like being the spot light. Some people enjoy being the eye candy of a party, but I don't. This is why, I tend to be quiet on the side of the room, sometimes I distract myself using my earphones. I intentionally eat alone sometimes during lunch breaks and don't make eye contact with loud people. I seriously don't like face to face bashing, whether it is good about me or not. I don't like being microphoned to let anyone I have a new gadget, new hair doo, I lost or gained weight. I seriously hate reaching the headlines. This is the reason I don't like joining parlor games at parties, because you'll be the center of laugh lines. in other words.
PIKON po kasi ako. I believe in the saying
I'd rather be silent, than to say something rude. But why does my silence gets reciprocated by this? Being attacked, deliberately.
My favorite teacher, way back once told me that words are like swords it is strong enough to break someone. So be careful with the words you let out of your mouth, you cannot take it back anymore.
I had a rough week, a very exhausting week. My workload was too much for me. And so there was one engineer, who knew me, I didn't know him. He started asking about one contract, I wanted to explain but I was tired and I just wanted to have a good time. I fired back by saying, I want to have fun. Strike one.
Even the nicest people has limitations, I was being nice and firm. I didn't even smirked, I know I am doing well at my work. Few more bottles of Heineken, he started feeling a little bit too high of himself. I usually stay on the side, karaokeking. Again, if that's even a word. Karaokeing. I don't remember why all of the sudden he was talking about another contract. I felt pissed. I went to the toilet to flush and ignore the vibes he was starting to say. I fucking want to have a good time.
When I came back another engineer was there. I was dead silent, but my head keeps on talking, "Jeez, another asshole, another feeling gwapo looking gago". Nobody heard it, it was all in my head and now in my blog. LOL. I started going in and out of the karaoke room. When I came back Engineer number 1 started a connivance with Engineer 2, I wasn't listening. They were teasing me, attacking me, fuck these retards. I went out again and again, a couple from my right, I think noticed my continuous going in and out scheme.
And there goes my patience, gone, as Engineer 1, called me Jollibee. Although I love Jollibee, I super hate people making fun of my name. I remember a classmate way back in elementary got into the guidance office as he kept teasing me with my unique name. I felt really really upset. The face of my sister, when we were still enemies, haha, flashed into my head, she said "Bato bato sa langit and tamaan wag magagalit, ang pikon ay laging talo"
I stood up and told another friend that I will leave at 11. I ignored and ignored the engineer. My pride, my tired soul, won, by ignoring him. I think I won. This is why I never like engineers. Kidding. My dad used to say if a guy keeps on teasing you, he likes you, well, I don't like these kind of men. Still I am proud of myself, for not snapping. And keeping my virtues intact.
For now, I guess. I will not go out in groups anymore. As I get older, I just really want to be surrounded by lovable and good people, people who are good for me and good for my soul. That would be my family, my great friends, and my love life.
So if you ask me why do I look in the ground, because anyone is capable of breaking my soul. This is how I keep myself from drama.
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