My head hurts.

My head throbs, it overheats at the moment. I think of the things that could happen before it happens. I like to plan ahead. 

But lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like I am holding and believing what I know that I deserve. I am blinded by the fact that I have been anticipating a dead end and I have been anxious watching it play out. Hoping and praying for a miracle. I try to contain the fact that I am just waiting for another cycle, looking at my screen, frustrated, breaking, missing, forgiving someone who always let me down. I am tired of caring consistently, mainly because I am tired of expecting and staying up at night as thoughts like this consume me and I can't sleep, my head is pulsating. I feel lonely now. I need somebody to love and hold. But I can't get what I want. And I want it all. I distract myself, again and again. I am only human. Such a selfish human.