Side Dish

No. This is not happening. It may seem unstoppable, but there's a weird rush going on. I must not get any closer. Don't flatter yourself too much. A friend, nothing but a friend, she is just my comfort zone. Everybody knows that. What a rush I am feeling right now. Lord, is this your answer to my plea. But why her. Is it really her?

She uttered, "I am starting to fall for you" our friendship was suddenly ripped.

I was with her when she was weak. She was with me when I was down. She sounded really hurt and longing to divulge her unspoken feelings. Confusion buried in a snap. I see sheets and pillows all over us. She's not drunk, she's very sober this time. What can I do to undo your feelings? What should I do? runaway?

I am surprised and shocked. I think I am steady and quite ready. I want more, should I even beg? Smile for me cause we are in a troubled paradise. We should know it wont hurt that much. We can try to fool ourselves. But still you can claim it - I am yours. But what about her?

Our souls suddenly fall, I surrender silently. Breaking reality slowly. I am hiding. We are holding back. I can't be a side dish anymore. But I know I am gonna love you more.

Mommy Unicorn

My mother knows best. I am such a lucky kid. But I have to step up now cause she's getting older. 

Mom: Bakit maga mata mo?
Jul: Nahohomesick ako. Buti kinaya mo Mommy noon ano? snail mail pa.
Mom: E I got you and ate naman ehhh!
Jul: (Hugs - teary eyed)

Mom: Tara punta tayo sa Outlet Mall!

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Mom: Kunin mo na ung dalawang shorts ako magbabayad nung isa.
Jul: eh baka may magustuhan pa akong iba
Mom: awwww.. (Uber cute fes)

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Mom: ito gusto mo to? (Pulls the shirt)
Jul: (looks at the shirt)
Mom: ayyy girly... hihihi (Immediately returns the shirt) 

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Jul: Maganda itong shoes mommy?
Mom: (Looks at the shoes) Parang makabayan, anu yan pad paper??
Jul: bwahaahahahaha!

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Fast food


Jul: ayoko ng chicken. mangingitlog na ako.
Mom: sigi chowking. pero bili moko chicken pop.
Jul: ehhhhhhhh... masarap yunnn
Mom: bibigyan kita. hihihh


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Mom(On Phone) : Asa mcdonalds ako bibili kita nuggets ah
Jul: YAYYYY!!!!

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Day to Day

Jul: Mommy bili tayo please ng kalat.
Mom: ay sigi bibili din ako kalat, ay pasalubong. (All smiles)

Crushed

What I do when I am upset.

1. Earphones ON. Listen to angry songs. Linkin Park can help. OK. Yeah. Sing with them. RAAWR!
2. Write about it - like what I am doing now.
3. Tell your best friend about it, oh best friend. 
4. CRY-ola
5. Post something on twitter and hash tag it! you go girl!
6. EAT EAT EAT
7. Exhaust myself(Jogging) and make new friends at the park.
8. Scream at the balcony (Dao ming xhu tralalalala)
9. Hug yourself till you feel numb
10. Dress up like a man!
11. Retail therapy but I have no mannehhh!
12, Drown yourself with alcohol
13. Put 10 AED in your money pot for every painful thought and feeling
14. Tell my mother about it.
15. Start hitting myself
16. Believe in Unicorns

Unfortunately PAIN. Demands to be felt.
 

** back story **

I feel horrible. I feel like hating myself all over again. I am honestly capable of crushing my own self esteem and I actually don't need anyone to do it for me. But who do you turn to when the only person in this world that can stop you from crying is exactly the one making you cry?  

Even the happiest unicorns needs a happy pill. *sobs

I feel really crushed.

My Mother is a Unicorn

My mother is the main reason why I love deeply. When I came back in Dubai my mother asked a weird question. It took me sometime to brush up my thoughts about it and its really nice to be open about her in anything. Except for one thing, Ha, ya know. :)) So she said.


Mom: Kamusta bakasyon? Ok ka naman sa magulang niya? (All smiles)


There was a time we watched - Yes or No (Thai lesbian film). My mother cried when Kim was being reprimanded by Pie's mother. I admit I wasn't sure if she was crying because I am gay or maybe she felt alarmed like "I don't wan't my daughter get the same treatment as hers(Kim)".  I wasn't able to fire back an answer to her question, Instead of lying. I told her the truth. My mother deserves honesty.


My ever protective mother. I am so lucky to have her. She's been very protective ever since I came here in Dubai. She saw my worst when I was in the moving on stage with my ex. She gave me infinite love and hope when I needed it the most. She never made me feel like I am a burden. She's always proud at me. She loves me when I don't love myself. She raised me up when I feel like dying. That's my mom. Strong, determined and an unconditional lover.


Jul: hindi pa kami pwede mag out sa family niya eh. But kilala naman nila ako as a friend. (All smiles)


She immediately responded with another question.

Mom: Owww.. Asan na pasalubong ko?

My mom has this habit of diverting a negative vibe to a funny pun. It's like refusing to hear and feel a wrong vibe and changing the topic into another one without making you feel any awkwardness. Then after giving her all her pasalubongs. I shared a lot of things about my vacation. She eventually went out of my room to cook and I don't get it why I followed her too. She has this powerful charm that I don't understand. She makes me want her presence more whenever she moves away from me. I love her. I am what I am because of her. I thank god she's my mother. The mother of pearls. A happy mommy unicorn.

Euthanasia

I'd rather have it
Give me that syringe
don't want to linger pain
It'l rip me into pieces

I thought I'd never feel this way
Today I meet you again
Talking to myself
But I never listen 

Hello stupid, what episode?
Strike what?
Hit me till you feel happy
Tears falling
I feel like dying

Don't be hard on me
Hand me the needle
Breath in
Can't feel anything now
This is just a memory
Hug me now
We are heading hopeless


kill me fast before
It gets blurry

Opening Prayers.

This a a very delayed reaction. I saw my friend's post on facebook and it said there that she will lead the opening prayer for their event. Of course I am proud of her, she's my buddy. But then I realized that I am bad in opening prayers. I am good at public speaking. But I never volunteered to pray on the spot, and usually I reply with a shrug when I am being asked to pray. I can't seem to express what I want and talk clearly. 

I love god, I love jesus. But I feel bad of about not being able to make a prayer publicly. Maybe I think of what others may think, that I am corny or my prayer might be way out of the box. Maybe the reason would be on how I became distant to him. I consider myself distant to him since I don't go to church weekly anymore. We (mom and sis) used to go every week. Why do we need religion?

Think think think again. Religion gives us moral values and answers the questions that cannot be answered by science. Religion is mysterious, sometimes I feel like religion really is a business (words of wisdom from my dad). Religion, it gives purpose to human life. But when philosophy strikes me, maybe my dad could be right.

I pray. When I get nervous I pray. I am more spiritual. I just don't want to be the traditional fanatic and act sanctified after Sunday mass and come Monday ready to commit sins again. I am just saying, I came into a point where I know that in my heart, I won't kill and I will always practice kindness. I am not perfect. Ok I am getting nowhere now. Sometimes I even refuse to go to church because of the priests sermon. Otherwise don't go to church if you can't open your senses.


I am bad at opening prayers. But I love and trust him. I pray. I run to him. I have a tattoo. I don't go to church weekly.

Prayer for someone I really care

"I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me."

[PHP 4:13] - See more at: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/Prayer-for-Strength.html#sthash.R89Pr4XM.dpuf

"I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me."

[PHP 4:13] - See more at: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/Prayer-for-Strength.html#sthash.R89Pr4XM.dp

If I could dry your tears, dry the river of your tears. I would. I want to take away the pain you are feeling cause mean so much to me. But all I have right know in our situation are my eyes to cry with you, my words to help you calm, my arms for you to run to, and this prayer. Now that I only have a few days left here, I promise you today that you will never bear the pain alone cause I am always here for you. I love you infinitely.


Dear God, 
In this time of need please calm her heart. You are our strength and shield as we go lonely and weak. Please make her strong and I know you always care for your people. I need you to take control of our life, as our strength is faltering in times of trouble. We need your strength to overcome obstacles that could tear us apart. I don’t want her to suffer any more. We want to be strong like you. I pray that you will reach down and touch her right now wherever she is at this moment. Let your presence fill the room where she is and let her feel an extra portion of your strength that can help her to get through this day.

She needs you now.

Lord, and I thank you in advance for meeting her where she is and shoring up her strength during this difficult time.

In Jesus name. Amen.

Iyak Tawa

Ayoko mastress kaya papasayahin ko sarili ko. OK.

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Sana Petron, Shell, o Chevron ka na lang. Para sobra-sobra ka ring magmahal.


"Cause all of me loves all of you." -me singing (talking to a cup of rice)


Sana BIR ka rin, Para habulin mo ako.


 I feel like volunteering sa Hunger Games. Kung totoo man yun, ako na talaga kunin ninyo. Please lang. (Raises both of her hands. Punyeta hindi papala ako nagugupit ng hair) - Shuhada. Shoooe hadaaa! 

 
Sabi sakin ni Professor X, 
Prof X: I see unicorns, Cotton candy and loom bands. So colorful. Sooo.. G...
Jul: Gay ampucha... (Walks out) 
Prof X: Gorgeous. 




hayy.. my mouth my stupid mouth. I wanna die. :(( 

What would you do?

I'd do ANYTHING - Simple Plan

 

Another day, is going by, I'm thinkin' about you all the time
But you're out there and I'm here waiting
And I wrote this letter in my head 'cuz so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone and I can't think straight

This could be, the one last chance to make you understand, yeah

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you
 

Will you remember me? 'Cuz I know I won't forget you

Together we broke all the rules, dreamin' of droppin' out of school
And leave this place to never come back
So now, maybe after all these years
 

And if you miss me have no fear, I'll be here and I'll be waitin'

This could be the one last chance to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again, yeah

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms
 

To try to make you laugh, somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me? 'Cuz I know I won't forget you

I close my eyes and all I see is you, I close my eyes
 

I try to sleep, I can't forget you, na na na, na na na
And I'd do anything for you
Na na na, na na na na

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh, somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you
To fall asleep with you with you, yeah

I'd do anything to fall asleep with you
I'd do anything, there's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything to fall asleep with you
I'd do anything 'cuz I know, I won't forget you

Connect the tongue to the brain.

SHUHADA.

Naiinis ako sa mga nagsttereotype, pagnakakarinig ako ng sitwasyon ng pang sstereotype napepeste ako. Pero dahil positivity year ito sakin. Iniiwasan ko maging ganun ako or makasalamuha ang mga ganung tao. Wag naman po tayo mag stereotype. Bad yun. Hindi naman din ako perpekto, pero ayun hindi ko matake kasi ang mga nega na tao.

So eto. Hindi lahat ng Amerikano, gwapo. Hindi lahat ng athlete, bobo. Hindi lahat ng taga UP, matalino. Hindi lahat ng OFW, mayaman. Hindi lahat ng Chinese, magaling sa math. Hindi lahat ng maarte, taga MC. Hindi lahat ng kulot, salot. Hindi lahat ng maliet, terribol. Hindi lahat ng gwapo, lalake. Hindi lahat ng nageextra rice, lalake. Hindi lahat ng lalaking naka pink, bakla. Hindi lahat ng arkitekto, magaling mag drawing. :)) natatawa ako. Hindi lahat ng maganda, mabaet. Hindi lahat ng maganda, babae. Hindi lahat ng siopao, asado! :)) Hindi lahat ng toothpaste, colgate. LOL. Hindi lahat ng driver, sweet. LOL. Hindi lahat ng lalake, naka brip. LOL.

OK. Tao lang din. For fun lang. Bato bato sa langit matamaan, sakit nohh? Gusto ko lang ishare na sana we use our words wisely. Sana before we talk we look at ourselves sa mirror. Ikaw anung kwentong stereotyping meron ka? SHARE NAMAAN! Barbsss! :))

Bahala ka na.

First quarter of the year is over. I am actually feeling a lot of emotions leaving and making the most of my 3 and a half month staycation here in Manila. Planning to make up for the last three quarters of the year as I feel motivated. Very motivated.

I feel focused. Career focused again. Its been so long since the last time I felt this way. I used to be a slave for promotion and it is a fact that I was close enough to get one, ok no more sour graping, maybe I am to good for that job. LALA! Moving on.
 
But here I am and I must not lose FAITH. I always end up pressuring myself internally. When I get what I want and know how things work in a cycle, I always always end up complaining. But honestly its nice to know that I have surpassed a lot and get the job done in times of crucial events. Oh lord. Wag mapagod sa buhay. There's this saying nga DIBA "Try and try until you succeed".

I grew up poor, but I never felt poor. My mother and father never made me feel poor. Bunso ako another fact. I think I got spoon fed a bit. I wish I was more ambitious. Siguro kasi andali ko nakuha ung mga gusto ko. Then again, this is it. Dream work, Dream business - Pera o bayong. Taya sa lotto wait for luck.

No.

I am just so anxious, I just gotta be better. For myself, for us. For our freedom.

SO before I hyperventilate in my own self inflicted stress.

Lord. (state the title of this entry)