Happiness is a choice.

Running like a kid. Getting back my old youthful glow. As I loose breath I whispered. I stopped.

"I can't promise anything, but I swear I'll never leave" 

I don't know why I said that. I don't even have a special someone. Out of confusion I started to conclude that Happiness is a choice. 

Happiness is such a word. Its really confusing.

People around me has their own way of happiness. My mom finds joy belittling my dad. Dad doing the same thing. My sister loves his husband and I don't know what to say. I find myself staring at a mirror. Imagining myself, bursting in front of the camera, cry and rant how bad my ending was, how tired I am to find what is happiness? What the hell is happiness?This is drama people. I don't care.

Happiness? choose me. I miss you na ho.

RIP SAM

11/27/12 - Just woke up and I saw a bbm from my dad telling me that my shitzu just passed away. What a tearful morning, no jogging for today. I can't believe my baby sam just left, it was only 9 days since I was gone in MNL. I am going to miss my ever sweetness doggie sammy. I will always pray for you and tell you that I love you everyday. You are in dog heaven now where theres no more pain. I am sorry for not being there for you in times of pain. I love you Big Boy! You can pee any where now :'(((

             
                              We miss you sammy! Ninang Des and I will miss you so much.

ACCEPTANCE + TIME = Moved ON

So how I moved on? here are the things I did.

1. Get even and walk away - don't ever look back!
2. Cry in front of your closest friends.
3. Cry to sleep.
4. Boxing.
5. Jogging.
6. Blogging.
7. Meet new friends.
8. Try something new.
9. Clean the toilet.
10. Shout at someone randomly
22. Eat
23. Drink with best buddy
24. Therapeutic Massage
25. Bake
26. Clean the stockroom.
27. Talk to the dogs.
28. Wake boarding
29. Dance
30. Date
31. Swimming
32. Body treatments
33. Walk the dogs.
34. Beach
35. Garage sale
36. Cake decoration class
37. Watch tv
38. Draw
39. Read
40. cook thai food

Approximately, I am 8 months single.
I dated twice, after my ex left me, but didn't work out. Cause I wasn't entirely into dating and faking feelings. I just let loose.

Hello kitty was pretending to be  interested with gay people like me and it was obvious that she quite used me. But we did have something to remember though. She is 99.% straight. Definitely.

Mermaid, on the other hand, was overwhelming and I guess she has too much things on her mind and dating was not her priority. It happened and ended so fast. She said she was Bi, she gave me too much information, I was a bit scared on some of the details though. We could. But. IDK. Maybe we didn't have that much chemistry. Just plain Physics form months of separation from our exes. I guess we were both not over our exes that day. LOL. She did most of the talking. But I did like her, at some point, unfortunately that she didn't like me like I like her. She's different. Well yeah. OK. BYE. NEXT.

After dating two girls, and not minding some, cause they didn't reached my standards, IKR, I realized that my market value went hero to zero. I need to get back in shape, I always thought circle was a shape. I must be gorgeous again. ugh,. SOON!

For now I'll just save all my love for someone worthy to fall for. I wish to bump into HER soon. But I really want a foreigner gf now. SERIOUSLY.

Bye for now.

Good Night UAE.

10/26/03

9 years ago. You said I love you.

9 years ago. I said I love you too.

9 years ago. I never really liked you.

9 years ago. I realized I am gay. LOL

9 years ago. We thought we were just confused.

9 years ago. We accidentally saw each other at the red sands, Saudi Arabia.

9 years ago. We was magic. 

9 years ago. You were my first love.

9 years ago. Even though we didn't lasted, you left me one thing, and that was to follow my heart.

I will always carry that memory wherever I go and remember that falling in love was never planned. Falling in love does not require any material things. We listened. We cared. But I guess it all falls to the point where "People change, things change, we just gotta live with it and say that's part of growing up"

So Hello there, Happy Anniversary, somebody that I used to know! I know you're happy now. 

Thanks for the memories, even though we weren't so great! :)) 

MUST

Dear Des my best best best buddy,

We should be revered again. When I come back let's be like them. :))
Let's be the Filipino version of them.

MUST. OK!

Infinite love for us.

-Pops

L - Zee Matanawee Keenan R - Tina Suppanad
FYI. They are both Tomboys. They are Thais. We want to be Thai, sometimes.

*Pic was taken at Zee's IG

For those who doesn't know them click these links
ZEE - Singer and Actress in Thailand - Openly tom, dated Due Arisara (Yes or No 1 as Jane)
TINA - Known for her movie Yes Or No 1 and Yes Or No 2

But soon, I know, Someday, LGBT rights will get better in Philippines and elsewhere, tiwala lang kay LORD.

*Iron Ladies(SatriLek) - As per Jung: Never think you are less human. We are born to live and love.

Bitch, FINALLY! I AM OK!

The above captioned is true, I no longer find myself cleaning the bathroom, crying inside the shower, pity partying alone, sweeping the floor, shouting mean words and etc. 

I just want to be happy even if it means not being with anyone anymore. :) No stress. Just printers. :)) Printers hates me! bwahah! It feels great knowing that I could be happy in so many other ways, I am just grateful. It feels great to be free and young. Nobody can hurt me from here.  No hurtful opinions on what or how things could've been. It doesn't matter now. No one can put me down. 

So Infinite love everyone! Love thyself. 

Time Will Get Me Better

I know I can make it on my own, time will get me better. I may not have you, But I have myself to love and be better. TIME WILL GET ME BETTER. 

I miss everyone I love in MNL. 

I FELL FOR AN ARTIST

She's a Thai actress, and I really really really like her. Her name is AOM SUSHAR MANAYING. I liked her ever since I watched YES OR NO. I'd do anything for her. Like be fluent in Thai, settle in Thailand and all of the unicorns and stuff you'd do for love. This was our first over exposed photo. Thanks - Des Agcaoili.

                                         She got me on 5:57 onwards. I was like "NGANGA!"

                      Autograph signing. ANG GANDA NI AOM. SWEAR! May bloopers pang naganap.

         After the Meet and Greet event, we went to this Suppanahorn Awards, super STALKER 101.
                                 This was the night where they - TINA&AOM noticed us. :))

I wonder if she has a gf/bf? I'd like to compete! I never felt this way to any artists, she just nailed me.
                                                 PAHABOL PIC! She seemed too tired already.

             I look fat and overjoyed in this photo, this was YES OR NO 2 - PREMIERE NIGHT

 

 You're eyes. I LOVE YOU AOM SUSHAR MANAYING! XD

Christmas Wish List

1. IPHONE
2. IPAD
3. MAC BOOK PRO
4. OAKLEY SHADE
5. OAKLEY EYE GLASSES
6. KINECT
7. VIDEO CAM
8. BASKETBALL SHOES
9. CORPORATE CLOTHES
10. CAR MUGS
11. BOOKS
12. RED DUCT TAPE
13. CONDO
14. DATE WITH AOM SUSHAR MANAYING  (-_-")
15. DRUM SET
16. HEAD SET - BEATS
17. SUPER FORMAL SUIT :)) 

I WANT

To be in a relationship AGAIN were I could possibly trust her to go out with her friends using my car and don’t have to worry bout cheating. :)

 

HANDS OFF! 

Have you ever?

It is painful for me to look at my upper part with disgust every second of every day. What even kills me more is that when people notice it. But my ex gfs liked it though, kasi wala sila nito. Ugh. Girls, with no, uhh, why?

I feel too much emotional exhaustion of trying to disguise the wrong body is intensely difficult to live with. I just want upper surgery. No dicks. OK!

I don't have the luxury of surgery yet. I will. I must. Soon.

So yeah, I saw this website loveboat.

Its a website for binders and LGBT Accessories. :) Cool? yeahhh men...

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako.

Well, what do you think?  uhmmm... I am goin to nail this pageant, I guess. IF. IDK. Soon after my upper surgery is done. Seriously? IDK. aaahhh... haha... ha...

My previous blog says I wanna join MR. International King, is this a good start? Should I wear heels? OHH.. I am torned. What are your thoughts? Let me know. LOL 

Kevin Balot!

OMG. The other day, I was watching news and I heard a Filipina transgender, wins Miss International Queen 2012! In Thailand. I was like, pwede ho bang manligaw KEVIN BALOT?

Also I am starting to realize that I should live in Thailand, settle and learn THAI Language or yeah, I wish I was Thai na lang. :p 

Freedom to love and equality for all.

AND I've heard that her Dad doesn't accept him for being a tranny/gay, well, If she couldn't find acceptance from him. Think of us, the lgbt society, you are very much loved! We love you! And AGAIN, pwede ba manligaw? hahah! LOL

                                                                You are just my type.

                                                  GOD! YOU GOT ME ON THIS PHOTO!
-----

Pinoy transgender crowned Miss International Queen

A 21-year-old transgender beauty from the Philippines — Kevin Balot — was crowned "Miss International Queen 2012" in Thailand's seaside resort Pattaya on Friday.

Miss International Queen is an annual beauty pageant for transgender people. It takes place annually since 2004 in Pattaya,in the Kingdom of Thailand. The pageant aims to create human rights awareness among international communities. The winner will receive the crown and also a 10,000 USD prize money and an apartment for a year in Pattaya. The election is organized by Tiffany's Show Pattaya Company

One Filipino fan said that winning a transvestite contest in Thailand, the land of "lady boys," was like winning a soccer tournament in Brazil. An emotional Balot told reporters that she hoped the win would help her gain acceptance from her father.

"I'm very proud to be first here, and I hope my dad will accept me. Because in the family I'm the only boy, and my dad has big expectations of me. I made it. I won the International Queen Pageant, and I believe that my dad will accept me not only as his son but also as his daughter," she said.

Miss International Queen 2012 winners

Miss International Queen 2012: Kevin Balot (Philippines)
1st Runner up: Jessika Simoes (Brazil)
2nd Runner up: Panvilas Mongkol (Thailand)

Top 10 

Philippines - Michelle Montecarlo
Philippines - Miriam Jimenez
Angola - Imanni da Silva
Japan - Beni Tukishima
Brazil - Bianca Gold
Guam - Matricia Mae Centino
United States - Sunny Dee-Lite

Special Awards
Best Evening Gown - Sunny Dee-Lite (United States)
Miss Photogenic - Kevin Balot (Philippines)
Miss Congeniality - Noah Herrera (Venezuela)
Miss National Costume - Yuki Tachibana (Japan)
The Angel Talent Competition - Beni Tukishima (Japan)
Miss Perfect Skin By Asoke Skin Hospital - Matricia Mae Centino (Guam)
Miss Ripley's Popular Vote - Stefania Cruz (Philippines)

-----

I am seriously thinking of FTM transition. Is there such thing as, MR. INTERNATIONAL KING? 

                                                HAHA! Just being me people. It's all love.

My Halloween Costumes

Growing up I never joined any "trick or treat" parties. I just started making an effort two years ago. By far these are the three costumes I used. I am planning to be a vampire next year. hahah!

                                    Look at me, looking great? LOL effortless JUGHEAD - 2010
                                         Rocker Vicki Sumulong  and  Butterfly Micah Destura

                                                            DAMASO SCARRRYYY - 2011

                                       PADRE DAMASO, COWGIRL MICAH, ZOMBIE DES

                                                  Demanding DAMASO behind a mumu! :))

                                                           Two priests One Event- 2012

Keena Mumu, Des Prince, Juna With, Boy next door Ches, Twofaced Jovic and Padre Damaso

                                          Smiling Damaso, Des the Prince, and Keena Mumu

                               PADRE DAMASO BETTER VERSION THAN LAST YEAR 2012

                           Clark Kent, just Micah, Padre Damaso (haha) , David Cook - Still 2012

                                           Rocker Vicki? Misfit? Just Micah and Clark Kent

 

Clark Kent

So that's 1. Jughead

               2. Damaso

                  3. Clark Kent

Don't fall for me.

How do I start saying what is in my heart? When will I stop loving my friend? How do I start telling her what I actually feel?

I have never been like this with any other girl. She is an intelligent girl, beautiful inside and out. Someone you could talk to about anything under the sun. She is my closest friend among my "barkada". My close friend who understood "kaotihan" mood swings of mine, she listened when I cried and she makes me happy when I am super down - like making beso on the ground.

Secretly. Slowly, I refrained from being close to her. but I never expected her to reciprocate what I am feeling. I guess she's just too nice. No. I mean, I am just happy being with her. Maybe she is happy with me too. Being her full time seat mate, car mate(drivers association), ask mate(when I ask her things that I already know), priceless - I love school.

I know, It's a crime loving her. Falling for her is a huge risk of losing our friendship. I tried telling her what I feel, but I guess actions speak louder than words. I am too coward. I am afraid to lose her. I will never lose her.

I know I would do anything for this straight friend of mine. I know I have already been in a relationship that only led me into a heart break.

But how do you stop a feeling? How can you stop feeling empty when you do not see her? I know it would be hard for me to forget my feelings. But I would like to try. I don't want to lose the friendship that we have, even if it means experiencing many months of sadness not being by her side.

I love you, Miss Economics. Don't fall for me.

---------------------------
11/25/2007YLUJ AGNAREV

My confession letter for her. I just remembered this letter when I cleaned the stock room.  Stored memories. Fading.

 

HINDI

Dalawang araw na torture - kasama sila Angels. Silang dalawa walang sinabi kung hindi pangalan ni ex.

Tuloy and inuman. Tuloy ang ligaya. Kitang kita ko kung pano niya alagaan si Angel 2. Ok na rin ito na kasama ko sila, masaya sila kasama, sobra.

Sabi ni Angel, pag nagaaway sila, magkatabi pa rin sila. Nakita ko sila magsapakan. Pero sila pa rin pag ang araw ay sumikat na. Walang sorry, basta sa umaga, sila lang. Ang mundo nila ay iikot sa isat-isa.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung anung klaseng pagmamahalan ang meron sa kanila. Kami naman ni ex hindi ganun, nagkanda leche leche lang nun nag simula siyang magsinungaling. Iniisip ko kung san ako nag kamali, umiinit ulo ko. Ininom ko na lang ang lahat.

Kay ex lang ako komportable magsabi ng lahat. Kay ex lahat kaya kong sabihin. Siya lang ang best friend ko, kaso hindi na ngayon, hindi ako ang pinili niya. HINDI AKO ANG PINILI NIYA.

Sa loob ko mapigilan maliitin ang sarili ko.

Habang lasing na lasing ako. Sobrang nainggit ako dahil may plano sila. Naiingit ako 5 years na pala sila. Naiingit ako dahil nais nilang makatawid sa ganitong relasyon. Naiingit ako kasi kahit nag sasabunutan sila sa harap ko, sila pa rin. Sila lang. Walang pwedeng sumira.

Walang silang sing sing, wala silang necklace na makakapagpatunay na sila. Basta alam nila sila lang.

Sa bawat lagok ko ng alak, sisingsisi ko pa rin ang sarili ko.

Kung ayaw mo gawin sayo, wag mo gagawin. Bakit ginawa saakin? Life is filled with uncertainties - kaya kung gusto mo gagawin mo na lang? Kasi dun din naman ang punta? Para masabi mong nagloko ka bago ka tumino? Define tino?

Sabi ng kaibigan ko "mas ok LUMANDI, kesa TALI". Oo mukha ngang masaya yun, kaso hindi ko kayang mabuhay ng walang kasiguraduhan at puro kasiyahan lang.

Iyak hikbi. Nganga sa katotohanan. Hirap na hirap mag tiwala. Walang maaasahan. Walang kakapitan. Bawal magkasakit. Bawal mapahamak dahil literal na magisa na ako. Ako lang ang maaasahan ko. Ako lang.

Galit ako, pero alam ko siya pa rin. Siya pa rin sa ngayon.

Hindi ko pa kayang lumandi para makalimot at makamove on.
Hindi ko kaya gumamit ng iba para makalimot.
Hindi ko na kayang umi-love you ng hindi ko tunay na raramdaman.

Hindi ko na kayang mawalan ng kaibigan at hinding hindi na ako maiinlove sa kaibigan ko kasi sa huli, ako ang nasasaktan ng sobra sobra.

Kaibigan wag tayo mag-KAIBIG-an. Please lang, wag na ako.

Di baleng pangatlong gulong sa samahan. Di na bale kung matagalan bago ako makabangon. Di na bale kung forever alone. Basta magiging OK din ako at ayoko sa lalake.