I never failed to hurt me.

 

It was the weekend, I forgot to be honest, and maybe it was almost the weekend when I last saw her. Again. It felt numb, the happy numb. I was terrified. As I try to be in my friendliest state. I was frozen. I stared at her, once, maybe twice, not letting her notice it. I do not know why I do stupid things around her; I do not know how she does this.

How she can make me say yes to a no. I tried to hide my fondness, in a frown. Because she seemed to like someone’s attention now and I was right. My intuition never failed me. I was expecting that. This is silly. Finding myself, a little jealous. Every time I see her, it is beating, again. I describe it as a child, who is very excited about Christmas presents. But that one fine day, tragedy seems to happen the least you expect it. Here we go again.  

She smiled at me. However, I knew the smiles were not really for me, sadly. How I wish they were for me. I felt bad about it, that her heart was never really mine. She was never really mine to start with. That day, how I wish I was getting all her attention. Still a no. She is better with  someone. I see smiles on her face too. Like winning the lottery kind of smile. They do look good together.

Silently, I will let her go; finally, this is the last draw. I was hoping to be brave enough to tell her what I feel because the timing was damn surreal. I thought maybe this was our time. My mind is all mixed up. Hoping I could tell everything to her. I just can’t. There is no best or better way, but silence. Because in any way, it will be too painful for me to bear. I’d rather win her back as a friend. I really can’t lose myself again in love. I will just wait, maybe, in the corner, I don't know. Because it friggin sucks to let go of someone, that was not, really there. How platonic can I be? Jeez, *rolls eyes

Okay, I might see her after 2 weeks, my almost. Gahh #wagako

 

Stupid for a day, or two?

I suddenly said 'Stupid thing we do". My heart wandered, almost breaking, but not in tears this time. 

I was driving 148 km away from her. Stupid, but I was damn happy. Stupid for wanting. Happy stupid, it is, is there such a thing as happy stupid? to be happily stupid. It was really fun, but it was stupid in all aspects. I have become more stupid, to begin with, it was a stupid idea. The idea that she might want me. Stupid, because I couldn't help myself but want her more. It is stupidly impossible. Stupid to expect reciprocation. I am such a stupid person to want her. I am so stupid I miss her already. 

But if I have to play stupid, just to see her, believe me, I would. Just to get her time and attention. I don't mind being stupid for a day? or two? maybe I can deal with it for a long time. I will play stupid. If it's the only way to see her, be with her. I will play stupid. This is stupid. Please get out of my head, my system. Because this is stupid. 

On the other hand, she is stupid too. I like how stupid she is. For what is worth, I am not turned off. I would choose to be stupid to see her, all over again, even if she is with someone else again. why do I feel stupid, about her? how can we get more stupid? 

What would you do if stupid, finds another stupid. We'll be able to be stupidly in love? 

This is so stupid. Stupid to stop falling for her. This is so stupid. 

I want to pursue her.

I want to pursue her, but I cannot, kasi nga baka tama siya. Torpe ako. I cannot pursue her, yet, and maybe I might or will never make a move anymore.

I am starting to like her a lot again, in more ways that I had expected. She can be annoyingly and dangerously beautiful, her outlook in everything, her protectiveness over me, her positive energy draws me, deliberately, weak, closer to losing control.  I like how she confidently move around me.

Today, I write this, as I am so happy she allowed me to know her better. She allowed our friendship to bloom and go deeper. Suddenly she has been so comfortable with me. She told me things I am afraid to tell and accept myself. She uplift me in times of sadness. She turned a bad, cloudy day into sunshine.

She would rant about little tidbits of her life and she knows how much I love to listen to all her stories. Her heartaches, her opinion, her grudges, her disappointments. I am so flattered by her trust, a trust that I cannot give even to myself.

She let me in her life and she successfully entered mine.

And as I knew her more, I saw things that are sight for sore eyes. I was able to unravel the things I kept hidden. Things that are hidden in the deepest cellars of my heart. I saw her weakest side, her flaws, her imperfections, her doubts, her fears, her disappointments, her bad attitude, her stubborness, .

But these did not discourage me. It did not turn me off, not even a bit. These are the things that further deepened my feelings. All her positives and negatives, her good and bad, her big and little things.

I may be thinking of confessing and pursuing her. I have been praying and hoping that she will feel the same. I have been imagining being part of her family. Waking up each morning and being welcomed by the most beautiful scene I’ve ever seen.

Her smile. That beautiful scar of hers that I want to kiss, every day.

But then, I guess we are still work in progress. Or maybe I am just a friend to her, but I am ready to accept that, kasi I am happy just by being with her.  Maybe, there are many things set up for us to prioritize. I think, we must focus first on these things- the people that we need to give more time, our struggles, our commitments. Clearly, she doesn't have the slightest idea on how much I want her & need her. I have loved her hopelessly, for years. 

I want to pursue her but I do not know anymore. 

Paki pasa ang bola.

I feel peculiar, at this time I am in a coffee shop/tea shop filled with Indians. Sa totoo lang gusto ko magtrahabo, kaso siya ang naiisip ko. San ba to nagsimula? Hay panira ng moment gurl.

Naaalala ko pa noong una ko siyang nakilala. Ang cute cute niya, naka pink na basketball shoes. Ang liet niya, pwede ibulsa, blonde, pixie cut hair, pero bat parang galit siya palagi? Bagay na hindi ko maintindihan. Pag nakikita ko siya, gusto ko siyang lambingin, then kinabukasan lalambingin ko pa din.

Nun dumating kami sa opening ng liga, laking surpresa ko na ka-team ko pala siya. From Dubai, nasugod kami to Abu Dhabi just to play basketball on a Saturday morning. Infairness sa aken noon time na yon, kinakaya ko pa mag habol at magtatakbo sa mga pasa nya. Kahit wala kaming practice, nagawan naman naming makapag laro. Ang sakit niya mag pasa ha. Naalala ko na corbo pa yata ako dahil sa kanya. Pero sinasalo ko pa rin naman. Nasasalo ko pa rin naman.

Kabado, ganto din kaya ang nararamdaman nya tuwing kasama niya ako sa loob ng court? Natutuwa kaya siya tuwing nakakashoot ako mula sa mga pasa niyang napakasakit? On an average game. Nakaka 8-10 points ako with her as my PG.

                                         

Magaling siya mag laro ha, nafafascinate ako sa mga point guards. Kelangan ng talino, lakas at bilis to pass. I like the passers. Nun pinasok ako ng coach namen, naaalala ko andme kong nashoot. Pagkatapos ng laro, minsan nagiinuman pa kami or kain sa labas ng buong team, kun san man abutin. Sinusubukan ko maging kaibigan siya. Ang ganda niya, ung tipong gusto ko na tanungen anong skin care na ginagamit niya? May scar siya sa left side ng head niya, pero hindi mo siya mapapansin kung hindi mo siya pagmamasdan. Asa may bilyaran kami noon. Hindi ko siya magawang lapitan.

Isang beses, pinagmasdan ko ulit sya habang naglalaro. Sabi saken ng isa kong team mate, “hoy tol, obit yan”. Bagay na napuna ko naman sa kanya. Pero dahil me pagka masokista tayo, dinedma ko iyon. Minsan katxt ko siya. Minsan hindi. Nagrereply siya minsan. Minsan hindi. Sa restaurant daw siya nag wowork, aba, Visor pala siya.

So eto na naman ako, inooffer ko ang libreng CV pa edit. Nalaman ko ang madaming bagay about her whilst reading her CV. She went on, and on, na nappiste na siya sa work niya. I prayed makahanap na siya ng bagong work so she can just reply constantly saken, sent updated CV.

Minsan hindi ko siya magawang itxt, pero may isang araw na napasugod ako to Abu Dhabi para makita siya, kaso di ko alam, I just want to know her gestures. I just want to see her. Baka iba siya pag kaming dalawa lang. I just want to be with her miski kaming dalawa lang mag jog sa corniche. I just want to listen to her. Kasi mukhang andme niyang emotional baggage. But di ko alam, bakit hindi niya ako mineet. Hindi naman ako nagalit.

Kasalanan ko din naman, kasi, hindi ko sinabi sknya in advance. So I went on sa corniche, ng Abu Dhabi. Thinking out loud on my head. Shutaca. Sinabihan ka nang obit nga eh. The league went on and talo kami. Pero mythical 5 siya. Naks galing niya, pakiss nga. Charot. Ibang kaba nafefeel ko kasi di ko alam. Bakit ba nakaka attract ang mga point guards? Ako lang ba?

One fine January 2018, napasugod ulit ako with my team mate to abu dhabi, para makipractice. It went well. Masaya ako, ayan na naman siya, ang bwakaw, pero pag nagpasa, napakasakit but sinasalo ko talaga. Ang sakit niya talaga magpasa. After the practice. We drank the JD that I brought. Sabi saken ang susyal naman daw ng dinala ko, dapat empi nln daw. Hahaha. Tapos me maganda siyang kasama, nagyayakapan sila eh, so may meaning un. I was hurt. Totoo. Maganda ung girl ah.   

Dun ko naramdaman, tanga mo naman Berting. I stopped, wanting her. I was hoping na mali ako. Di ko alam kung napansin niya ung efforts ko to be with her. Di ko alam kung napansin niya ung enthusiasm ko to improve. Di ko alam kung napansin niyang I would drive a 200 kms just to see her, taga Sharjah pa ako noon. Nag join din ako sa Classic sometime, 2018, kasi I still want to get her attention. Kaso di naman ako napapasok tuwing siya ang point guard. We were 3^rd placer on this league.

SO, I guess the timing and the person she was that time isn’t for me. Until, I met someone. She met someone. Occasionally, chinecheck ko ang FB niya. Oh, She can drive na. She has a cat. She lives with her. She looked happier, stronger, and matured. She went on different places na din. I noticed, we both stopped playing for a certain time. I still joined Classic team for the last time in 2019. Nag champion kami, and I was wondering bakit wala siya sa line up. Apparently, pinag bawalan ata siya ng gf niya, same with me. Nag mapilit lang ako para makasali.

2021, years after, I was in Mamzar beach, crying, grieving pa kasi ako ng sobra sobra kasi I lost my mom and my ex was the most unhuman person na nakilala ko. Nagpaparamdam siya all of a sudden. So she works in a travel agency na. Timing is right na siguro, na I should leave UAE. I took a chance, listened to her assessment, but nafefeel ko this is not the right timing yet. Plano ko na mag student pag financially ready na talaga ako, pero paano ako aalis kung masaya naman ako sa career ko dito?

Nagpaparamdam siya pag pmupunta siya Dubai. Asking me routes on the train, magkape daw kami. But I have been really busy on my own shell, madalas di ko narereplyan. Di ko na namalayan na gusto ko na siya noon pa, na I risked one day just to reach her pero it didn’t worked. This year nagparamdam siya ulit, apparently nagbabalik siya sa pagbabasketball.

I told her to play with my team. I told her I do not play anymore, when needed lang, pag practice lang, that I am better coaching. Pero ambilis pa din niya. Naglaro kami last week, that moment when she passed the ball to me a couple of times. To my surprise, hindi na ako nasaktan sa pasa niya. It was a crucial game, kaso natalo kami ng 1 point. Kasi shooter mga Barbies ko, that was a fast .001 millisecond hahaha

It was tough but she made it feel like it was nothing. Why does it feel na she can manage my emotions? I am a very emotional person, and I know I can’t let anyone hurt me at this time. I am just too fragile. Pero parang ansaya ko that day, kasi I saw a different her, long hair na siya, ganon pa din, ang cute, ang sarap ibulsa, palangiti na din siya.. she doesn’t frown that much na.. she doesnt look cranky anymore.. But sumobra ata sa confidence and daldal? Haha! Nilibre pa niya ako. Bagay na weakness ko. Anrupok ko na yata.

Tanong ko sa sarili ko, ito na baa ng pag-ibig na hindi ko na ipipilit? Lord ito na ba ung kusang binibigay… Ito na baa ng divine timing? Ito na baa ng last hooray ko? kung yung mga pasa niyang masakit, hindi na ngayon masakit. Would that mean anything? Would that mean na kaya hindi mo siya binigay saken noon kasi we need to learn things separately. To grow maturely?

Torpe daw ako. What was that all about, sinabi niya saken ito out of knowhere… Bakit saken niya uli pinapasa ang bola? Kabola bola ba talaga ako? Sana hindi niya ako pinapaikot noh? Do I have to be bolder with her?

Kasi if the wait is over, then this is really worth the wait. May this love be sincere, pure and worth the risk.  Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko saluhen ang lahat. Ngayon pa ba ako susuko? Kaya ko pa ba itong saluhen muli? Ang tanong ko, papasahan pa ba niya ako?

 

the universe will find a way.

Nasimula ito sa isang kanchawan. Sabi ni ano kamukha ko daw siya. Nilingon ko naman, tinitigan at natawa, “shuta oonga ano” sabi ko sa sarili ko. Simula noon, may naramdaman na akong kakaiba. Di ko alam kung napansin niya iyon pero totoo nga naman. Me resemblance kami ni ateng.

Hindi ko naman ito naramdaman noon nung nagprapractice kami ng basketball sa Nad Al Shiba. Noong araw na lang na iyon, noong one day league to be specific, saka ko lang narealize. Onga, maganda pala siya. Edi maganda din ako. Haha!

Ansaya ko nung inaya niya ako kumain after practice, hindi ko alam of all players, bakit ako ang inaya niya, hindi naman ako super star player, hindi naman kami super bffs, well di ko na alam. I doubted a couple of times, baka friendly lang talaga siya. Ako naman si haraught ng very light, observe lang muna, tropa mode lang ito, baka super twins lang talaga kami. 

Me na didinig akong mahal pa raw niya ang ekis nya at simula noon, kahit alam kong gusto ko na siya, tinatak ko na sa isip ko na hindi kami posibleng maging mag jowa hanggat hindi niya bibitawan ang ekis niya. Paano ba naman siya makakamove on nito? katxt pa ang ekis at ako ang kasama sa tipar. Hindi man lang uminom. Ika nga kapag may alak may balak.

Cringe ng very light. Magkasama sila sa pinas. Nagkita sila sa pinas. Nagbakasyon nga pala siya sa pinas. Ayoko na. Balik tayo kay Miss Singapore crush ko. Errr… Team mate niya lang ako nothing more and nothing less paulit-ulit kong iniisip iyon. Tuwing nag-ppractice gusto ko pa rin na kakampi ko siya, kasi sa ganong paraan, hinahanap hanap niya rin ako, para pasahan ng bola. 

Aminado, hindi na ako kasing gilas noong kabataan ko sa pagbabasketball. Pero tuwing kalaro ko siya, parang bumabalik ang nais kong makapag laro uli. Gumigilas daw ang paglalaro ko. Parang gusto ko pag-sikapan na makasama siya at manalo kami ng sabay. Pero asa kabilang team daw siya sumali, hindi na saamen. Nakakaloka. Tadhana na talaga ang gumagawa ng paraan volume 3.

Baka nga, isang team mate lang ako, kalaro lang. Ayoko mag isip ng kalalagyan ko sa buhay niya. Pero isang araw nagparamdam siya. Paramdam na hindi ko naman ineexpect. Aaminin ko, kinilig ako. Hindi ko alam kung joke time ba ito. Hanggang sa natuloy ito. Habang tumatakbo kami, kwentuhan naman kami, nakakatawa, kaliwa ang injury niya sa tuhod ako naman sa kanan. Anak ng tipaklong. Bakit ako kinilig uli.

Mali ito, Berting, brace yourself, ayaw ko maging kabit. Wait kabit? no! single daw siya. After namen mag jog sa kite beach, napag-usapan namen ang kanyang ekis. Kinamumuhian niya ito at sinabing hindi na niya ito muling kakausapin. Siya ang dahilan ng pgbagsak niya sa lahat. Kumbaga si ekis niya ay parang blood sucker, pero parang bet niya naman mag paubos ng blood. Madami siyang dugong maibibigay pa.

Napuno ang isip ko ng tension, hindi pa siya over sa ex niya. Volume 4 na to, itodo mo na ses. Sana nga hindi na niya kausapen. As per her, binlock na daw niya. Ako din pala hindi pa over sa ekis ko. Pero binlock ko talaga. Kasi weak ako. Alam ko yon. Maya maya, nakarating na kami sa maliet na Basketball court. Literal pang midget na court. Nakakatawa kasi kahit ganon, ang solemn, kaming dalawa lang. Kinilig na naman ako.

Can I just doubt more? In fairness hindi niya pinakialaman ang phone niya. Kasi nung huli kaming magkasama. Katxt nga niya diba. Until nagshawarma kami, after shawarma, naisipan namen puntahan ang isa kong player, player na mejo hawig nameng dalawa din, haha..na nagwowork sa coffee shop.. Dinayo namen siya, kahit antok na antok na siya, she was with me, and to me it was enough, ung presence niya lang.

Binigyan kami ng milk tea ng player ko, nanghingi siya ng yosi, binigyan niya ng yosi si ateng ko. Eh dahil super good boy ako, walang lighter si Koko(sasakyan ko). Mejo naturn-off ako, kasi ayaw ko sa naninigarilyo. L Volume 5? mehh malakas naman siguro to, hindi naman weak sa practice hindi man nagpapa - sub. hahah! 

Hinatid namen si player ko. After noon, Ihahatid ko na siya sa kanila. Hindi ko na maalala ang usapan pero naalala ko na lang asa loob ako ng kwarto niya. Bagay na kabang kaba ako. Kalma. Hindi ako masamang tao. Napakalinis ng intension ko. I don’t ano on first dates. Pero date nga ba iyon?? Sabaw ako. Gusto ko sana iclarify. Kaso wala akong guts to do so. 

Sira ang kanyang TV. Inoffer ko samahan siya kun san niya bnili ang TV niya. Pero nagawa naman niya ipare-pair ng wala ako kinabukasan. May mga kwento siya na tugma sa aken, I felt we can be a power couple. We even thought about going to gym together, spending her birthday in Azerbaijan, we both have plans to settle in Canada, ain't that cute? SO...

After that day, I want more of her. Ayan na naman siya, magtetext kung kelan niya gusto. Volume 6. Pero hindi ko siya jowa, kalma self, baka asa duty, night shift, health care worker, yah nag txt ako sa kanya pero active naman siya. Volume 7... No response is a response. Maybe the ex is around again. So ignored na naman si Berting. 

Pero, sama siya ng sama sa practice ng team ko. Pinaalam ko pa sa manager ng team kung pwede, hahaha ayaw niya nung una pero ok na rin. Bakit siya samen nakikipractice? Masaya lang talaga sa Buddies(my crew).  

Until nag bakasyon ako sa Georgia kasama ang 2 kong players. Patuloy ang kanyang pag react sa aking stories. Pag comment sa aking vlog at photos. Baka ako na naman ang nagaasume. Lord anu ba ako sa buhay niya? Naalala kong dinasal sa Trinity Church, kung sino man ang para saaken. Kayo na bahala lord.

Days passed by, until one day, ung player ko na nagwowork sa coffee shop said alis daw kami sa pasko. I was like, Pasko? Wait, with? Ha? Kasama siya? Pero sabi ng profile niya in a relationship siya. Ayoko na, nilalaro niya naman ang feelings ko. Volume 8. 

Ayaw pala nila, nilang team mates ko sa kanya, ung iba ayaw naman siya ijudge kasi hindi naman nila kilala si ateng. Isa lang ang super pabor saamen, at umuwe pa ng Pilipinas. Si Coffee boy, na nagbigay ng milk tea. Pero dahil gusto ko siya, sumugal pa din ako. Lord give me a sign. Pag ito natuloy. Akin na siya.

One thing led to another, lasing kami, bagay na ikinagulat ko kasi alam ko may pasok siya kinabukasan, single daw siya, noong pauwe na kami, hindi nag-start sasakyan ko. Hahaha! Ito na ba yon lord? Ito na ba?

After Christmas, I tried so bad to maintain the connection. Pero sabi ko nga, bakit ko ippush ang bagay na baka nga naman hindi talaga ppwede.  Dapat magkasama pa kami ng 30-31, so and so… I found out as well na may tinorotot ang kanyang ekis whilst sila pa. Sad noh, pero mas sad ung sabi niya hindi na sila naguusap, pero sabi niya nasaktan siya at naiyak na lang siya. Ilang beses siya nag lie saken, ilang beses niya kinaen ang sinabi niya saaken, nagppost pa siya ng story na magkausap sila. Nag post ng tiktok video na ang sweet and that's Volume 9 people. I completely ignored the red flags and became very empathetic towards her. I just didn't care, kasi alam na alam ko ang nafefeel niya. I want to save her. Kaso Volume 10, eto na yung bulag na bulag ka na sa love, kasi putang ina mahal mo nga eh. 

Nattached lang siguro ako at parang bet ko pa alisin ung pain na nafefeel niya. Pero anung magagawa ko, kung ang kalaban ko ay mahal niya talaga ung ekis niya. I shrugged it off kasi I wanted her to want me back at least. I wish we can still talk pero alam ko where I stand. I can't deny the fact that I miss her. I just happen to know my worth, kasi I know I am the fucking prize, I must admit, my heart will remain, open, somehow for her. 

Uncertain. Parang niligtas na talaga ako ni Lord at ang aking angels, nagkasakit siya bigla, I helped her without hesitation. Kako “Lord, ito na 2023, huli na ito siguro, last sign”.

Bago ko pa maramdaman na mahal ko na siya, I had the answer in one look. Napaka daming volumes = dahilan para umiwas ako, pero yung araw na iyon. Yun na yon. This is it. I am not the one.  

Kasi maybe, just maybe, it’s a no for now. Kung hindi pure ang intensions niya saaken, kung hindi siya para saakin lamang. Huwag na lang. Itutuloy ko ang pagiging kalaro niya sa basketball. Wag na lang ako, dalangin ko. Titigil na ako umasa, kasi sa panahon ngayon hindi ko na alam kung love ba na pinapakita saten is pure, is it even love nga ba? Love should be pure, sincere, and unconditional.

Self love is not selfish. I am just guarding my heart. I don’t want to see myself again begging for the love na hindi pala sa’kin at hindi kailanman magiging akin. I don’t want to chase someone anymore, kasi sa kakahabol ko mas lalo itong lumalayo. Nakakatakot to see myself again being blinded by the love na akala ko totoo, akala ko ako lang. The love I thought it will be reciprocated but not.

But I will not stop waiting for the love that is really worth the wait. The love that is sincere, pure and worth to risk. Ang pag-ibig na hindi ko hinihingi, kusang binibigay. Yung hindi ko kailangang maghabol dahil kusa itong lalapit sa akin. I will keep on praying for that love. And to that person who destined for me, kung siya man iyon, kung sino man siya, wherever you are just enjoy the phase of life you have. We’ll see each other in the end of the lines “babe” “mahal” “love” blahhh and lahat na ng endearment kasi, ikaw sana na ang last hooray ko. 

Let the stars align for us, if we were meant for each other the universe will find a way. But now let's just have ourselves first, sarili muna natin. When the time is right when love is right.

❤️‍🩹 Back Off

 

SONG OF THE WEEK

Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Song by Paloma Faith

I tell myself you don't mean a thing

And what we got, got no hold on me
But when you're not there, I just crumble
I tell myself I don't care that much
But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch

Only love, only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must've been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this

Say I wouldn't care if you walked away
But every time you're there, I'm beggin' you to stay
And when you come close (when you come close), I just tremble
And every time, every time you go
It's like a knife that cuts right to my soul

Only love, only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must've been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Your kisses burn into my skin
Only love can hurt like this

But it's the sweetest pain
Burnin' hot through my veins
Love is torture, makes me more sure
Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must've been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Your kisses burn into my skin
Only love can hurt like this
(Only love can hurt like this)
Only love can hurt like this
(Only love can hurt) save me, save me
Only love, only love
'Cause only love can hurt like this
And it must've been a deadly kiss

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Diane Eve Warren