I never failed to hurt me.

 

It was the weekend, I forgot to be honest, and maybe it was almost the weekend when I last saw her. Again. It felt numb, the happy numb. I was terrified. As I try to be in my friendliest state. I was frozen. I stared at her, once, maybe twice, not letting her notice it. I do not know why I do stupid things around her; I do not know how she does this.

How she can make me say yes to a no. I tried to hide my fondness, in a frown. Because she seemed to like someone’s attention now and I was right. My intuition never failed me. I was expecting that. This is silly. Finding myself, a little jealous. Every time I see her, it is beating, again. I describe it as a child, who is very excited about Christmas presents. But that one fine day, tragedy seems to happen the least you expect it. Here we go again.  

She smiled at me. However, I knew the smiles were not really for me, sadly. How I wish they were for me. I felt bad about it, that her heart was never really mine. She was never really mine to start with. That day, how I wish I was getting all her attention. Still a no. She is better with  someone. I see smiles on her face too. Like winning the lottery kind of smile. They do look good together.

Silently, I will let her go; finally, this is the last draw. I was hoping to be brave enough to tell her what I feel because the timing was damn surreal. I thought maybe this was our time. My mind is all mixed up. Hoping I could tell everything to her. I just can’t. There is no best or better way, but silence. Because in any way, it will be too painful for me to bear. I’d rather win her back as a friend. I really can’t lose myself again in love. I will just wait, maybe, in the corner, I don't know. Because it friggin sucks to let go of someone, that was not, really there. How platonic can I be? Jeez, *rolls eyes

Okay, I might see her after 2 weeks, my almost. Gahh #wagako