I want to pursue her.

I want to pursue her, but I cannot, kasi nga baka tama siya. Torpe ako. I cannot pursue her, yet, and maybe I might or will never make a move anymore.

I am starting to like her a lot again, in more ways that I had expected. She can be annoyingly and dangerously beautiful, her outlook in everything, her protectiveness over me, her positive energy draws me, deliberately, weak, closer to losing control.  I like how she confidently move around me.

Today, I write this, as I am so happy she allowed me to know her better. She allowed our friendship to bloom and go deeper. Suddenly she has been so comfortable with me. She told me things I am afraid to tell and accept myself. She uplift me in times of sadness. She turned a bad, cloudy day into sunshine.

She would rant about little tidbits of her life and she knows how much I love to listen to all her stories. Her heartaches, her opinion, her grudges, her disappointments. I am so flattered by her trust, a trust that I cannot give even to myself.

She let me in her life and she successfully entered mine.

And as I knew her more, I saw things that are sight for sore eyes. I was able to unravel the things I kept hidden. Things that are hidden in the deepest cellars of my heart. I saw her weakest side, her flaws, her imperfections, her doubts, her fears, her disappointments, her bad attitude, her stubborness, .

But these did not discourage me. It did not turn me off, not even a bit. These are the things that further deepened my feelings. All her positives and negatives, her good and bad, her big and little things.

I may be thinking of confessing and pursuing her. I have been praying and hoping that she will feel the same. I have been imagining being part of her family. Waking up each morning and being welcomed by the most beautiful scene I’ve ever seen.

Her smile. That beautiful scar of hers that I want to kiss, every day.

But then, I guess we are still work in progress. Or maybe I am just a friend to her, but I am ready to accept that, kasi I am happy just by being with her.  Maybe, there are many things set up for us to prioritize. I think, we must focus first on these things- the people that we need to give more time, our struggles, our commitments. Clearly, she doesn't have the slightest idea on how much I want her & need her. I have loved her hopelessly, for years. 

I want to pursue her but I do not know anymore.