Write about it

Ito na siguro ung pinaka BIG break na sinasabi ng lahat. Pero somewhere, in the middle of my heart, where I always feel like there is a huge hole that nobody can fill. I can only think of my sweet, loving and adorable Mom. 

I miss you MOM! I did it again! I see you smiling at me.Hayyy...

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Dear MOM,

Things are going well, I met someone, she is so nice, she takes good care of me and I take care of her too. She's tall, but I don't really care. I didn't expect to fall for her. But I did, I love her. Sayang, sana na-meet mo siya, I bet parehas kayong ma papa-tiktok, She is fun. She is way better than the rest. She loves me at my worst and only sees me as a priority. She has huge respect to you, even if hindi ka niya nakilala and that's really important yung may respect sa isa't isa and she's really into girls. Sana siya na Mommy, sana siya na life partner ko. Just that the damage from my previous lovers are affecting me, pero I hope she stays with me. She makes me happy. 

Mom, I live on my own now. I am paying rent, bills, bills, and I bought my dream car! I wish you were here when I took the car from Mazda showroom, ang saya ko, mas masaya siguro ako kung kasama ka, kayo ni gf nung gabing yon. I wish you were here. 

Work these days are overwhelming, I get to think of you more often. My FB memories points to movie dates with you. How I miss how you lift me up when I feel weak. You are such a happy pill Mom, you make things okay. I hope I made you proud up there. After all the breakdowns with you, Mom I got promotion again! Hehe... Ito na yung sinasabi mong, magaling ako. Yes! Finally naramdaman ko na naman siya. Thanks MOM! I will survive! I love you every day! please guide me always. 

Jul

Psalm 23

 

I was grade one, 7 years old. Our class adviser/teacher was MS. Josephine. She asked us to memorize this bible verse as a recitation in our GMRC Class(Good Moral and Right Conduct). It was Psalms 23.

 

I honestly forgot to memorize this verse over that one weekend, was left usually biking or just plainly watching TV. Just like any normal kid would do in the 90s. I wasn’t bad at school, I wasn’t really good either. I was cool at school. I flunk, I fail a lot, I get 100% often times, I get to be on top sometimes, and I pass with or without flying colors. I was a happy kid. 

MS Josephine started calling my classmates one by one, alphabetically in order. I was really nervous. I do not know any single line. I don’t even have a bible to start with, until now wala akong bible(parinig to anyone please buy me LOL).

Luckily, my last name was V and I was always last in recitations. I re-called listening to my classmates recite the verse, I was panicking while writing what they were saying, and at the same time I was memorizing what they said. I was imagining myself as if I was about to go on an audition. Then I was called. Drum rolls. Action!

I was able to recite the verse and I am proud to be able to face that KIND of resilience at a very young age. I am quite sure I was able to pull off a show. Besides, the show must go on even though I stuttered.

The objective was not to cry in front of my classmates or even be kulelat. 

Hence, talking about resilience, at this time. I have been fighting with my anxiety. I have no choice to ignore it. I battle a huge paranoia in my head, and nobody seems to understand the consistent war inside my head. But then I remember my younger days, I was standing in front of class.

“As I walk to the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil, for you are with me….”

thanks teach Josephine, pero dko na siya kabisa.. haha. 

#fightinganxiety #memories

Bed.

I lied in bed, stared at the ceiling for awhile.

This cold weather suddenly made me sad. 

I moved my fingers underneath the blanket 

and close my eyes. 

I was trying to imagine her hand in mine, 

Instead I closed my hand on a pill, 

A pill, that draw me into a deep sleep. 

“Kaya mo yan”....

#fightinganxiety

Written: January 25 2021

FU all.

The best and smartest thing I have been doing is to protect myself. Protect myself from the people who abused my kindness. I have learned a lot last year, and I can’t keep making the same mistakes. If I let you all into my life again and show how naïve and foolish I am, I will shut you all off, cause no one can fucking hurt me all over again.

I don’t regret everything about everyone. But I do regret a lot of moments with all of you. I know there were times I was loved by all of you, but it was just for a second. It wasn’t worth it.

So, today, don’t go chasing me with an apology. You won’t hear anything from me. I am already working on forgiving myself. I’m not forgiving at the moment because you all weren’t nearly as guilty as I am. I was the one who let you all in my life and I was the one who bought all of your bullshit stories. That’s why I’m forgiving myself and not any single of you, ever.

Finally, I found the GOOD in Goodbye

I wish to find someone who will remove all my fears and replace them with a brand-new desire to take a life-changing risk, someone who will remind me that I am bigger than all these shadows that sit at the edge of my bed that I named ‘insecurities’ for the longest time. 

Someone who will remind me that nights are for calmness and not for forsaken silent battles. I wish to find that someone who’ll give me the same thrill of waking up every morning and see what kind of adventure awaits. 

I wish to find that person who will teach me how to forgive myself for not being the person I desperately wished to be. I hope to find that perfect half who will help me glue back all the shattered pieces of my heart that I didn’t have the strength to puzzle. 

I wish that someone will bring in all the daylights that I shooed away, and all the summers that I labeled as temporary. I wish I will meet that someone who will give a damn about the sacrifices I do. I wish she is able to convey the different meanings of rainy days and sunshine. I wish this person will refuse to give me up when things get hard. 

I wish that someone will refuse any temptations as she will only see me as the complete package they have always wanted and afraid to lose. 

I hope, to be able to find another reason to live and believe in love. May I find that someone who’ll teach me to trust my heart and choices in life once again. I really hope that this time — love will serve me best. 

Because I deserve to be loved. I do not want to settle for less anymore. 

But for now, all I can do is to love myself, so that when the universe finally decides to cross our paths. We can finally say, it was all worth the wait. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to wake up next to you. See you soon. ❤️

Sana(Adult Version)

Ang tanda ko na, gusto ko na mag asawa. Naisip ko yan kanina. Natawa ako and at the same time nalungkot. Sapagkat, malapit na kasi mag valentines day kaya siguro ako bitter biteran na naman. Hindi mo naman ako masisisi kasi mag tatatlong buwan pa lang akong single, siguro naman by next month tapos na ang sinasabi nilang 3 month rule, diumano. Bakit ko ba yon naisip? Ah kasi pwede na makipag date after 3 months. Pauso. Hehe depende na lang yan. Basta ako, hindi ko pa kaya... sarili ko muna ang aasawahen ko. Haiiiyo.

Gusto ko na actually mag mahal uli. Alam ko madami akong kayang ibigay, pero andito pa rin sa dibdib ko ung takot na baka iwan na naman ako. Madalas naiisip ko, deserve ko naman talaga ng taong mapagmahal at maalaga. Minsan naman meron pa kayang mag mamahal sa isang tulad ko?

Hindi naman ako madamot. Mapagbigay naman ako. Pero kasi bakit ganon, ubos na ubos ako tuwing iniiwan ako ng minamahal ko. Hiling ko na lang eh sana ung susunod na magmamahal sa aken, rerespetuhin ako. Mamahalin ang magulang ko at pamilya ko. Marunong magpakumbaba at humingi ng pasensya. Sana ung susunod ko, may modo, may takot sa diyos. Sana takot siya sa away, dahil ayaw namen masira ang nasimulan namen. Sana hindi siya masakit magsalita. Sana lahat ng gusto ko supportahan niya rin at ganon din naman ako. Sana parehas kming maging successful sa aming careers. Biyayaan kami ni lord ng kahit isang anak, ok na. Wala namang mali mangarap pero may mga pagkakataon na naiisip ko na. Baka best tita nlng talaga ako. Or best friend ng taon? Pero walang maling maghangad. Gusto ko na magkapamilya. Gusto ko ng kasangga. 

Hindi ko mapigilang magisip kung mayron nga bang mali saakin? Gusto ko lang naman umuwe sa taong alam kong ako lang ang laman ng pusot isipan nila. Sa totoo lang, I cant wait. I cant wait na dumating ang huling magmamahal saakin, ung anjan lang at ikaw lang ang pipiliin kahit anu pa. Gusto ko na siya makilala, dahil gusto ko maramdaman na mahalin ako ng tulad ng pagmamahal na binibigay ko, ung walang reservations, kayong dalawa lamang. Mahal niyo, ang isat isa. Parehas kayong magtutulungan pataas. Sana makilala na kita. Sana wag mo ako bitawan pag nawala ako sa sarili. Sana magtiwala ka sa kakayahan ko. Sana ako lang makapagpasaya sayo. Sana ako lang ang hindi mo kayang saktan o iwan. 

Kamahal mahal naman ako. Alam ko mabuti naman akong tao. Sana dumating ka na. 

Destinasyon.

Napaka haba nang ating nilakbay,

sa dinami-rami ng mga iyak, yakap at akbay,

ngunit heto at dumating nanaman tayo sa dulo,

kailangan ko rin palang bitiwan ang iyong mga kamay.

Hindi ko kailan inakala

sa lahat ng lungkot at saya,

lahat ng pagsubok na nilampasan nating dalawa

ay paghahanda lamang pala 

sa mga bukas na hindi na ako ang iyong makakasama.

Ngayon parang parusa ang maramdaman iyong alaala.

Sana man lang kasi nagkaroon ng kahit konting babala

tila naging tagahatid lang pala ako

at sakanya pa rin ang destinasyon mo........