1/26/21

Julalay




Last year, well last December, I was cleaning my stuff at home. I saw this small pink letter. It was a letter from my all time crush, aminado na mga teh. πŸ’ͺπŸΌπŸ˜‚ 

So yeah, she said she will come to Baguio with me. It was an inside joke. Kami lang nakakaalam non. This was our world. 


When I first saw her, we were second year, she was with a friend studying in OLC. I felt stupid, looking at her from a far. Sakanya ko unang na experience yung love at first sighs este sight. Well in this case, ako lang nafall. I don’t think, nagustuhan niya din ako, that time.


Eventually, we became friends. She’s too pretty, guys and girls would always chase her and I was just a baller who studies if I need to. She was crazy, we used to talk in YM. Magsesend siya ng annoying stickers and mangangamusta pa yan. She was the complete package of everything I wanted in a girl. Top of the class, outstanding in everything, haha mayamang probinsyana! πŸ˜‚ She also sings pala, oh I am such a fool for singers. I always dreamt of having a life time partner who sings.


Come 4th year college, she invited me to be her groupmate in our strama finals. Di ko akalaen na aayaen niya ko, so ayon, bakit ako? Hindi ko alam, of all the smart asses in BA. Haha!


It was so hard to hide my feelings for this lad every time I went to her condo to work on our strama. Pakahirap. I was also in a loving relationship that time. When I look at her, I felt the urge of being better. Ganon yon diba, nakakainspire, nakakahiya pumalpak. Pero iba ung guilt kasi may gf ako non. I wonder if nainis siya nun nalaman niya may gf ako. But ako lang siguro nagiisip non. Focus lang kami sa finals noon and guess what! We got the best strama award. 


Then napaisip ako, what if, nasabi ko sa kanya ung mga hindi ko nasabi? Like...


“Karleng, I have loved you hopelessly for years, I chose to be a friend and not a lover. But by any chance, for my sanity lang, papasa ba ako sayo? I mean noon?..” sabay tawa... Maybe, she would say, Yes. Abay punyeta. Why like this. 


What if, tinawagan ko siya out of nowhere and said halika let’s runaway and lets go north, Baguio it is. What if? May load ako pantawag sa smart line niya noon, Diba? Baka hindi niya piniling mawala sa mundo. Ansaya siguro noh? Araw araw kaming laugh-trip then may kilig. Buhay pa siguro siya, kasi korni daw ako. Susme. Tawang tawa kaya siya saken parati. 



Itong grad pic na to, we were together when we collected our grad pic. Dinumog lang naman siya ng mga blockmates niya, at nung nakita ko na iisa na lang ang natira. Kinuha ko agad, natawa siya, wala nang natira sakanya, para siyang naholdap. Tumakbo ako kasi baka bawien pa. Di ko sure kung nabigyan ko siya, kasi naubos din ung saken. πŸ˜‚

Kung naging kami kaya, would I still be holding her hand? We’d be invincible siguro. She will be a great singer and I’ll be the road manager, wed be secret lovers. 


Or maybe, we just got married and we plan to have kids in Canada, tapos reside na din doon. She would be a finance director in some bank and I would be the business woman/actress/writer I have always wanted to be.... I think we make a good powerful couple. 


Well, maybe, just maybe, in another life, my Karleng. Imagination na lang muna, hanggang pangarap na lang tong nafefeel ko sakanya. She was my, the one that got away. She will always have a special place in my heart. 


So ayon, it has been 11 years since I last saw her. Nakakakilig pa din isipin yung mga funny times. Hay nako. Karleng. Anlakas mo din kmain. Pero, hnm. Pakiss. I love you. ❤️ Meet mo MOM ko she’s in heaven too. Kantahan mo siya ples. Halo ni Beyonce ha.

1/10/21

Another, one day today.

One day, I will stop imagining you, beside me, everyday at night in this cold weather nights. 

One day, I will stop to miss holding you, and looking at your face, first thing in the morning. 

One day, I will stop remembering how we first met, oh how magical that night was for me.
  
One day, I will stop finding you among the crowd. 

One day, I will stop thinking about you in my work hours. 

One day, I will stop hearing your voice.

One day, I will stop listening to our favorite song.

One day, I will stop recalling and wonder what could have been between us.  

One day, I will stop hoping that there will be even an us again. 

One day, I will stop my midnight reveries about you. 

One day, you will stop invading my heart and mind. 

One day I will be able to admit that you chose to stop loving me. 

One day, it won't even hurt to hear your name. 

But how come, today, another day, that you are still corrupting my brain? 

AND No matter how many times I tell myself I will be better off without you, 
part of me just feel like I can never let go. 

So I hope, tomorrow, yes it is another one day, that I will free myself from you completely. 



Written - January 9 2021 

1/9/21

Don't Panic in Public.


Tried my best not to panic in public yesterday. 

So let me tell you how it feels to worry all the time. It is as if your are trapped. Your heart will beat fast, you will feel numb, you begin to sweat, the taste of metal lingering your palate, you can’t hear anything and you shiver in fear. Suddenly you don’t know that you’re holding back your tears from falling, but they are falling. You look down on the floor immediately, you feel like everyone is judging you at that moment. You cover yourself in shame. You feel like people are watching you lose a game. You anticipate that someone will help you win and eventually they abuse your kindness and leave you in the end. You feel like people are making fun of your innocence. Witnessing and enjoying how weak you are. 

And somehow you wish that you didn’t care at all so you wont get to think if you’re good enough or not. Everyday is exhausting trying to feel stronger than I feel. You breathe harder, as if there was a claw stuck in your chest. You do your level best to think of happy thoughts, you try hard to think and recall of the people who loves you and cares for you dearly. 

You tell yourself that it will pass, maybe not immediately but you know it will pass. Right know I have feelings I don’t like. This will be over, soon. Better days are coming. I am enough and grateful. πŸ’ͺ🏼 I forgive myself. I deserve to be happy. #strength #labanberting #fightinganxietyeveryday

1/3/21

WAS I EVER LOVED BY YOU? Rough question.





OUT OF REACH

Gabrielle 


Knew the signs, wasn't right

I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart's bruisedWas I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy every day
I know I will be okay
But I was so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that, in time
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you
But now I'm so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me

1/1/21

Choose me!


Dear Berts, 
You can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t choose you. You can’t. Because your person is going to be your person for the rest of your life. Not just when you’re young and things are perfect, but when things get messy and you make mistakes and the world is less shiny. Make sure that you have someone by your side that wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you, and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Someone who wants to hear your laugh, and make breakfast with you, and listen to all of your dumb jokes for twenty, or thirty, or fifty years. Because there are difficult things in life, really hard and haunted things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But love should not be one of those things. Love should hold your hand and help you brave those storms. Love should be your safe place. So please, just don’t give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know, without hesitation, that they want to stay. 


Choose someone who doesn’t leave at bad times. You deserve to be happy. You are worthy.


Love, 

Berts(bwahaha)....


12/31/20

To The girl that used to be my Best Friend


I honestly do not know how to express my feelings for you, I thought about you a couple times for some unknown reason. But it doesn't mean that I want you back, but it was more of, I do not know if you have forgiven me already but thank you for all the times I've spent with you. The countless memories are very bitter sweet to me, but I guess this is how one looks back at friendships that no longer exist, right? 

I wonder sometimes if you feel the same. Thank you so much for the times when you made me forget my worries and persuaded me to enjoy each moment. You were like my mother, a teacher and the best supporter of mine, even when it felt like no one was on my side. 

I do not wish to be friends again, because that is like going to the sea when you do not know how to swim, but I wish that somehow, perhaps through this blog(chismis), word of mouth kumbaga....... my silent whispers would reach you that I miss you. Damn I do, because we were always on each other's side, Bim.


12/22/20

Weight on my shoulders

Few days back, my nephew jumped onto my back, making my upper back and shoulders numb for a day. The pain is excruciating, I can't barely hold a glass using my right arm. Fortunately my auntie, Mami Taba, the older sister of my dad is with us here in Pasig and she is very good in doing some "traditional hilot"(massage). 

I was trying not to shriek, as the pain was unbearable. Akala ko nabalian ako ng buto sa totoo lang. 

While she was massaging me, she said noticed the square face I have been these past few days. She said all of a sudden "wag ka na malungkot nini, kelangan mo mag move on na ha?" 

I replied with an "Aray, aaaraaay, kooooooo Mamiiii". She then placed a salonpas on my back. Giving my back a cool/hot sensation. Eventually, I thanked her for the comfort I felt after the massage and gave her a kiss. 

Went back to my room. Locked the door and my feelings are racing. My head is spinning, pounding. I miss my mom, her dear smiles, her loud laughs. I miss how she makes things okay. But behind my grieving stage, behind all my tears of losing the best person that I love. I also miss the person who  unexpectedly broke me into pieces. My soul mate, suddenly become my worst nightmare. Losing her made me realize that no matter how much I try to get mad at her, my heart still beats for this person and it sucks. 

But yes, I have to move on. Mami Taba was right(auntie). I ended my day sobbing in bed, I can't even understand my feelings whether if I was crying for mom or my ex, or might it be the same, or might be all of my feelings towards 2020. 

Forgiveness. Tao lang ako. Tao lang sila. Pero bakit sobrang sakit naman?

Anyhow, today, my back feels a little okay. I still wanted Mami Taba to do some magic on my shoulders. As I sat on the floor, she was massaging me and she said....


"Isipin mo na lang yung magagandang bagay na ginawa niya nini, mahirap ung galit ka, patawarin mo sarili mo, siya din, madami din naman siyang naitulong siguro, nakakalungkot la-ang dahil antagal niyo na hano, saka siya bumitiw, pero ung magaganda na lang isipin mo, ganon talaga anak". I tried not to breakdown in front of her, I tried not to, but a tear fell on my face. 

Why such weight on my shoulders Berting? 

As I write this blog. I want to forgive myself. I forgive her and everyone who did me wrong. I will forgive. I will choose to forgive and let go of my suffering. I want to become my true self. I will allow to forgive myself, I will live in the present, I will free my self from suffering, I will free myself from pain, I will allow myself to let go. I forgive myself for holding on to this suffering. I will allow myself to heal from my pain and suffering. I am worthy of the freedom, I am worthy of the peace forgiveness brings. I will let go of all the hate, anger and resentment. I will free my self from this burden, I will be free. I release myself. I will be at peace. I will understand and practice compassion towards others. I love myself and all that I am so I will chose to forgive so that I can have this peace. I forgive myself. I forgive all. I will forgive. 

I will chose to forgive and let go. I will make peace of those who have been hard on me. I will allow myself to forgive others. I will forgive. I will let this go. I will forgive because I love myself. This is me letting anger go. This is me moving on. This is me releasing the weight on my shoulders.