Keep Going

This chess board is 24 years old already.

Whoaaa! I feel teary eyed writing this...

I started playing Chess when I was grade 4. Mom was a great Chess Player way back High School. Mom told me she stopped playing chess because she kept dreaming of the chess pieces at night, I cant imagine being chased by a queen or a bishop... haha!

I remember we played muna sa magnetic Chess board na nabili ko sa national book store and she noticed I was saving for a bigger board ung kulay white na may green. It was 100 pesos yata vs sa chess board na magnetic that maybe was around 30 pesos.

Until we went for a vacation in Paete, Laguna. Her hometown, the carving capital of the Philippines. She bought me this big chess board.

I tried to beat my mom for years until natalo ko sya nun 2nd year High School na ako, I dont know kung valid yun kasi Dad was coaching me a little. Dad was good too.

But I remember the tears I had with this board. Countless times I almost won against Mommy. Ilang beses ako nag mamaktol but it was weirdly addicting, I don't know but I kept trying anyway, to beat her.

Mom even borrowed books, for me to learn some badass techniques.

High School I played chess, Intrams. I was very good at it. It was fun, scary and addicting all at once.

Life is like a game of chess. To win you have to make a move. Knowing which move to make comes with insight and knowledge, and by learning the lessons that are accumulated along the way.

This game taught me patience and perseverance at the same time. Because great things, take some time!

Every decision that you make has a consequence to it. Every sacrifice has its toll.

I hope it shed light to anyone who feels like giving up. #labanlang #keepgoing #checkmate

Praying for you ❤️

I don’t know how.

I don’t know where.

I don’t know when.

But as I draw closer to Him,

As I have let go all the pain in my heart.

I know that one day, you will come.

As my heart is steadfastly in love with Him,

the more I realize that He is preparing me for you.

So as I wait for our hearts to beat as one,

I will focus my heart on serving and praising Him.

For I know that somehow,

somewhere, that day will come.

I will be so glad that I waited

for your heart to pursue mine

as we both pursue His heart.

I will wait for you.❤️

2% be gone. 

Taking the risk.

I wonder how it happened. But it started somewhere. Everything starts at somewhere, somewhere in kite beach. Somewhere between my mind and my heart, I found something really, wonderful. I wasn’t really looking for anything, because I was busy with thyself. Haha! 

Day by day, I surprisingly started to forgive, not really my forte.... It takes a lot of time, to let god take over all my heart's desires and heartaches. I have been in a shell for quite some time, loving myself, spending time alone, and being scared somehow because of all traumas I have experienced. But all of a sudden, As I breathe the cold breeze of the beach, it made me realize somewhere along the aisle of my life, I found you. Girl in black. Oh, I like wearing black. 

Somewhere between my what-ifs and maybes, I found your actions. Your actions prove your words to me.

Somewhere along the detours and bus stops, I found your patience. Your patience that showed your actions were real.

Somewhere between my failures and success, I found your grace. Your grace glistens the patience you’ve got from Him.

Somewhere along the chambers of my heart, I found love. Your love reflects His grace to me.

Somewhere between my No and Yes, you suddenly came. You who took the risk to know me.

Everything starts at somewhere but having you started with Him giving you to me as a gift I’ve never expected. A friendship that I didn’t expect. Thank you for taking that slice of cake. Thank you for responding. Thank you. You made me happier since then. 

You are one of a kind and somewhere between the lines of my story, I’ve started to like you… And I hope this is not just some generic friendships I had. I don’t want to lose this. And so, I am taking the risk too. 

My Silent Plea

I have always been a person who looks after others. I have this nurturing part of me that is always on the go to take in charge, I have been giving what I can just to make sure that everyone around me is happy/contented and or overly satisfied. I go over and beyond their expectations. I work hard to give all. I love deeply. 

Until one day, I realized that no one actually does the same thing for me and it breaks me so bad. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not expecting them to return the favor. I did that because that’s the love language I speak. But I realized, for once, that I also have this desire to feel loved. And I guess, everyone deserves that. To be loved. To be given the best because you fucking deserve it. To somehow be spoiled and hear ‘yeses’. So I prayed and waited. 

People came into my life, but I was easily deceived into feeling, “this is the one” just because I have this timeline. 

Then again, I realized that I was just getting the bare minimum (and at some point, it was even hard to get the bare minimum). Lalo na dito sa UAE. No one has ever gave the same effort to me, except my loving mother. So I got tired and almost gave up on the hopes of it. Still, I prayed.

I pray to have the kind of love that has peace, security, and joy. I pray for someone who’s sure about every inch of me. 

Someone who will pursue me. I pray that you bless this person's heart so this person can love me the way You want me to be loved. And I pray that I become the person You intended for this person to also feel loved. 

So if one day. This person came into my arms. I want this person to know that I prayed for her/him so bad. I will continuously pray for that love. And I hope that the love I will give mirrors God’s love for you and us my love. I lift it all lord. He knows whats best for me, I know he hears my silent plea. 

I never failed to hurt me.

 

It was the weekend, I forgot to be honest, and maybe it was almost the weekend when I last saw her. Again. It felt numb, the happy numb. I was terrified. As I try to be in my friendliest state. I was frozen. I stared at her, once, maybe twice, not letting her notice it. I do not know why I do stupid things around her; I do not know how she does this.

How she can make me say yes to a no. I tried to hide my fondness, in a frown. Because she seemed to like someone’s attention now and I was right. My intuition never failed me. I was expecting that. This is silly. Finding myself, a little jealous. Every time I see her, it is beating, again. I describe it as a child, who is very excited about Christmas presents. But that one fine day, tragedy seems to happen the least you expect it. Here we go again.  

She smiled at me. However, I knew the smiles were not really for me, sadly. How I wish they were for me. I felt bad about it, that her heart was never really mine. She was never really mine to start with. That day, how I wish I was getting all her attention. Still a no. She is better with  someone. I see smiles on her face too. Like winning the lottery kind of smile. They do look good together.

Silently, I will let her go; finally, this is the last draw. I was hoping to be brave enough to tell her what I feel because the timing was damn surreal. I thought maybe this was our time. My mind is all mixed up. Hoping I could tell everything to her. I just can’t. There is no best or better way, but silence. Because in any way, it will be too painful for me to bear. I’d rather win her back as a friend. I really can’t lose myself again in love. I will just wait, maybe, in the corner, I don't know. Because it friggin sucks to let go of someone, that was not, really there. How platonic can I be? Jeez, *rolls eyes

Okay, I might see her after 2 weeks, my almost. Gahh #wagako

 

Stupid for a day, or two?

I suddenly said 'Stupid thing we do". My heart wandered, almost breaking, but not in tears this time. 

I was driving 148 km away from her. Stupid, but I was damn happy. Stupid for wanting. Happy stupid, it is, is there such a thing as happy stupid? to be happily stupid. It was really fun, but it was stupid in all aspects. I have become more stupid, to begin with, it was a stupid idea. The idea that she might want me. Stupid, because I couldn't help myself but want her more. It is stupidly impossible. Stupid to expect reciprocation. I am such a stupid person to want her. I am so stupid I miss her already. 

But if I have to play stupid, just to see her, believe me, I would. Just to get her time and attention. I don't mind being stupid for a day? or two? maybe I can deal with it for a long time. I will play stupid. If it's the only way to see her, be with her. I will play stupid. This is stupid. Please get out of my head, my system. Because this is stupid. 

On the other hand, she is stupid too. I like how stupid she is. For what is worth, I am not turned off. I would choose to be stupid to see her, all over again, even if she is with someone else again. why do I feel stupid, about her? how can we get more stupid? 

What would you do if stupid, finds another stupid. We'll be able to be stupidly in love? 

This is so stupid. Stupid to stop falling for her. This is so stupid. 

I want to pursue her.

I want to pursue her, but I cannot, kasi nga baka tama siya. Torpe ako. I cannot pursue her, yet, and maybe I might or will never make a move anymore.

I am starting to like her a lot again, in more ways that I had expected. She can be annoyingly and dangerously beautiful, her outlook in everything, her protectiveness over me, her positive energy draws me, deliberately, weak, closer to losing control.  I like how she confidently move around me.

Today, I write this, as I am so happy she allowed me to know her better. She allowed our friendship to bloom and go deeper. Suddenly she has been so comfortable with me. She told me things I am afraid to tell and accept myself. She uplift me in times of sadness. She turned a bad, cloudy day into sunshine.

She would rant about little tidbits of her life and she knows how much I love to listen to all her stories. Her heartaches, her opinion, her grudges, her disappointments. I am so flattered by her trust, a trust that I cannot give even to myself.

She let me in her life and she successfully entered mine.

And as I knew her more, I saw things that are sight for sore eyes. I was able to unravel the things I kept hidden. Things that are hidden in the deepest cellars of my heart. I saw her weakest side, her flaws, her imperfections, her doubts, her fears, her disappointments, her bad attitude, her stubborness, .

But these did not discourage me. It did not turn me off, not even a bit. These are the things that further deepened my feelings. All her positives and negatives, her good and bad, her big and little things.

I may be thinking of confessing and pursuing her. I have been praying and hoping that she will feel the same. I have been imagining being part of her family. Waking up each morning and being welcomed by the most beautiful scene I’ve ever seen.

Her smile. That beautiful scar of hers that I want to kiss, every day.

But then, I guess we are still work in progress. Or maybe I am just a friend to her, but I am ready to accept that, kasi I am happy just by being with her.  Maybe, there are many things set up for us to prioritize. I think, we must focus first on these things- the people that we need to give more time, our struggles, our commitments. Clearly, she doesn't have the slightest idea on how much I want her & need her. I have loved her hopelessly, for years. 

I want to pursue her but I do not know anymore.