She left me broken, all over again.

It was so early in the morning. I haven't slept a wink. I had panic attacks last night and I was feverish, due to the covid19 vaccine I took 2 days ago. They say it was normal to feel feverish. But the door bell rang, 7AM. 

I was hoping it was a dream, I think I saw her in the peep hole. I wanted to hug her immediately. I cried silently, behind the door. She patiently knocked her way in, and I prayed for a few minutes of sanity. Why is she here? Is she here to hurt me again?

I opened the door. I saw her face, we were such a mess, I saw her eyes, they looked like they were swelling too. She immediately said can we talk and diverted her attention to one of our cats Bebu, who was beside the door, and she tried to look for the other cat ChanChan. I told her she was inside my room. I couldn't react well. I was scared of how capable she is of hurting me. Whether it was physically or verbally, but I was ready to fire back when needed. I told her I really do not have any of your recordings. I don't know about them. She just nodded.

She spent time with our cats, I looked at her while I was working in bed, she was playing with the cats. I missed her so much. I even said, wala ka bang pasok? she said wala. Then I focused on my laptop. She asked if I ate already I said, I don't know how to cook, so hindi pa. 

Eventually her phone was on timer, it was 9AM ata. She said she wanted to take a nap. I said ok. She suddenly asked "How are you". I wasn't able to answer, I wasn't able to tell what's wrong. Well letting her inside the house was wrong. Eventually she said she will go home and sleep, she has an observation by 1pm. We hugged, we had a small talk, she said sorry and thank you. I tried not to cry, but all I felt was hurt and annoyance. I said why, kasi akala niya galit ako.

My head wanted to say, I still love you even if you hurt me lot, I never wanted to lose you, to me you're my soulmate. 

I panicked, I couldn't breathe again, I puked again with acid on the toilet bowl, we haven't eaten anything. She handled me a liniment/katingko(something she offered me when we first met) and tears started falling, I can't feel my limbs again, I am losing her again.

I told her to leave me already, she already left me long time back, so its gonna be easy for her to leave me, I told her why is she enjoying to hurt me, why is she doing this to me? I told her that I always defend her name even when others are upset with her. She was trying to say something, but I said yes, it doesn't matter anymore, lets us leave it all to 2020. Forget 2020. Forget about me, forget about us and I will forget about you. Were a never was. I even said I was sorry for being hard on her on the later part of our relationship, but I was wanting her to love me a little harder because I needed her, she's the only real thing I can hold on to, I told her I gave her my all but she chose to leave... I said she can't hurt me anymore. 

I couldn't feel anything, I was calling my cousin again from Ireland who is a nurse, she was with me last night when I was panicking for help. I told her that I thought drank 3 anti-depressants all in the same time. I thought I might die in overdosing myself. She helped me calm down. She was on the other side of the bed. 

Until I felt a little relaxed. I told her "I have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I have Major depression, I am not okay, I am trying to protect myself, I have been isolating myself" 

I saw her out of my room, she was in and out of my house. I thought I heard her cry, she doesn't want anyone to see her cry. But I heard her. She didn't said anything at first, she said I was gonna be okay soon. I felt her holding my hand and she said she's gonna leave, I felt her kissed my forehead. From there, I felt she was gone. She left me, broken, all over again. 

Letter to myself

Dear Jul, 

I know you’ve been struggling lately. You’re not yourself and you seemed lost in a place you’ve never been before. I know you’re wandering thru the midst of nothingness right now — unable to find the right path and where your purpose leads you. I know your heart is so heavy that you’re having a hard time carrying and accepting all uncertainties. I know sometimes to you, it all still feels like a joke. Like a dream turned nightmare. I have seen you fighting reality, fighting countless/sleepless nights. It’s not easy. I know that, It’s never easy. It feels like everyone is judging you, using you and pushing you to your limits. But you ignore them and you keep fighting again and again.

I’m sorry for sometimes you become weak and could hardly fight. I am sorry for the tears you shed day and night. I see you hide all the time, protecting your heart. Sorry that fear and overthinking had overpowered you. You always tell me that you tried your best to stay focused but terror crept you, like there is a rewind button making you feel like your skin is being pricked. You managed to appear utterly independent when you were, in fact, desperately in need of company. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. Most of the time you choose to sleep it all away. I know, its hard to just swallow a pill. Yes, I know you’re damn exhausted but thank you. 

Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for choosing me and still waking up each day. Thank you for still finding the courage to keep it going even if you’re almost giving up. Thank you for opening your mind to look at the brighter side of every circumstances. Thank you for still smiling and happily take selfies daily, even though you know you’re already drowning in the depths of your emotions. Thank you for your finding ways to solve all of your problems. Thank you for driving yourself to work knowing that driving terrifies you. Thank you for your solid determination to move on with life regardless of how difficult it is for you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for loving me a little harder each day.  

You might have impressed a lot of people with your strength and determination, but where did it left you? In the void. Utterly alone. You see, it’s okay to share your sorrow to others. I know how reluctant you are in sharing it to people because you’ve been judged and criticized but keep in mind that there are still genuine and good people who are willing to listen to you without judgment. So kindly, stop shutting people out and try opening your doors to the world. Stop confining yourself into that lofty walls you built and start welcoming people in your heart. You have a good heart. I know that. They know that. We all know that.

Trust me, Jul. You’ll be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I know you’re waiting for that freedom — freedom to love and be loved, to express your love, to be passionate about life. To start a new challenge or even a better partner in life. It’s okay, I promise you. This shall pass. It will all come. Wait for it. It will sure be worth the wait. So be like the sun, it’s all alone but it still shines. 

Your mommy is so proud of you and I know she’s just there inside of your heart, guiding you and cheering you always. You have a loving family. Your sister and dad thinks about you always. Keep fighting my love. I love you forever, always, every day and I will only choose you whenever, wherever. 💪🏼 #cueinshakira #wheneverwherever #fightinganxiety

Julalay

Last year, well last December, I was cleaning my stuff at home. I saw this small pink letter. It was a letter from my all time crush, aminado na mga teh. 💪🏼😂 

So yeah, she said she will come to Baguio with me. It was an inside joke. Kami lang nakakaalam non. This was our world. 

When I first saw her, we were second year, she was with a friend studying in OLC. I felt stupid, looking at her from a far. Sakanya ko unang na experience yung love at first sighs este sight. Well in this case, ako lang nafall. I don’t think, nagustuhan niya din ako, that time.

Eventually, we became friends. She’s too pretty, guys and girls would always chase her and I was just a baller who studies if I need to. She was crazy, we used to talk in YM. Magsesend siya ng annoying stickers and mangangamusta pa yan. She was the complete package of everything I wanted in a girl. Top of the class, outstanding in everything, haha mayamang probinsyana! 😂 She also sings pala, oh I am such a fool for singers. I always dreamt of having a life time partner who sings.

Come 4th year college, she invited me to be her groupmate in our strama finals. Di ko akalaen na aayaen niya ko, so ayon, bakit ako? Hindi ko alam, of all the smart asses in BA. Haha!

It was so hard to hide my feelings for this lad every time I went to her condo to work on our strama. Pakahirap. I was also in a loving relationship that time. When I look at her, I felt the urge of being better. Ganon yon diba, nakakainspire, nakakahiya pumalpak. Pero iba ung guilt kasi may gf ako non. I wonder if nainis siya nun nalaman niya may gf ako. But ako lang siguro nagiisip non. Focus lang kami sa finals noon and guess what! We got the best strama award. 

Then napaisip ako, what if, nasabi ko sa kanya ung mga hindi ko nasabi? Like...

“Karleng, I have loved you hopelessly for years, I chose to be a friend and not a lover. But by any chance, for my sanity lang, papasa ba ako sayo? I mean noon?..” sabay tawa... Maybe, she would say, Yes. Abay punyeta. Why like this. 

What if, tinawagan ko siya out of nowhere and said halika let’s runaway and lets go north, Baguio it is. What if? May load ako pantawag sa smart line niya noon, Diba? Baka hindi niya piniling mawala sa mundo. Ansaya siguro noh? Araw araw kaming laugh-trip then may kilig. Buhay pa siguro siya, kasi korni daw ako. Susme. Tawang tawa kaya siya saken parati. 

Itong grad pic na to, we were together when we collected our grad pic. Dinumog lang naman siya ng mga blockmates niya, at nung nakita ko na iisa na lang ang natira. Kinuha ko agad, natawa siya, wala nang natira sakanya, para siyang naholdap. Tumakbo ako kasi baka bawien pa. Di ko sure kung nabigyan ko siya, kasi naubos din ung saken. 😂

Kung naging kami kaya, would I still be holding her hand? We’d be invincible siguro. She will be a great singer and I’ll be the road manager, wed be secret lovers. 

Or maybe, we just got married and we plan to have kids in Canada, tapos reside na din doon. She would be a finance director in some bank and I would be the business woman/actress/writer I have always wanted to be.... I think we make a good powerful couple. 

Well, maybe, just maybe, in another life, my Karleng. Imagination na lang muna, hanggang pangarap na lang tong nafefeel ko sakanya. She was my, the one that got away. She will always have a special place in my heart. 

So ayon, it has been 11 years since I last saw her. Nakakakilig pa din isipin yung mga funny times. Hay nako. Karleng. Anlakas mo din kmain. Pero, hnm. Pakiss. I love you. ❤️ Meet mo MOM ko she’s in heaven too. Kantahan mo siya ples. Halo ni Beyonce ha.

Another, one day today.

One day, I will stop imagining you, beside me, everyday at night in this cold weather nights. 

One day, I will stop to miss holding you, and looking at your face, first thing in the morning. 

One day, I will stop remembering how we first met, oh how magical that night was for me.

  

One day, I will stop finding you among the crowd. 

One day, I will stop thinking about you in my work hours. 

One day, I will stop hearing your voice.

One day, I will stop listening to our favorite song.

One day, I will stop recalling and wonder what could have been between us.  

One day, I will stop hoping that there will be even an us again. 

One day, I will stop my midnight reveries about you. 

One day, you will stop invading my heart and mind. 

One day I will be able to admit that you chose to stop loving me. 

One day, it won't even hurt to hear your name. 

But how come, today, another day, that you are still corrupting my brain? 

AND No matter how many times I tell myself I will be better off without you, 

part of me just feel like I can never let go. 

So I hope, tomorrow, yes it is another one day, that I will free myself from you completely. 

Written - January 9 2021 

Don't Panic in Public.

Tried my best not to panic in public yesterday. 

So let me tell you how it feels to worry all the time. It is as if your are trapped. Your heart will beat fast, you will feel numb, you begin to sweat, the taste of metal lingering your palate, you can’t hear anything and you shiver in fear. Suddenly you don’t know that you’re holding back your tears from falling, but they are falling. You look down on the floor immediately, you feel like everyone is judging you at that moment. You cover yourself in shame. You feel like people are watching you lose a game. You anticipate that someone will help you win and eventually they abuse your kindness and leave you in the end. You feel like people are making fun of your innocence. Witnessing and enjoying how weak you are. 

And somehow you wish that you didn’t care at all so you wont get to think if you’re good enough or not. Everyday is exhausting trying to feel stronger than I feel. You breathe harder, as if there was a claw stuck in your chest. You do your level best to think of happy thoughts, you try hard to think and recall of the people who loves you and cares for you dearly. 

You tell yourself that it will pass, maybe not immediately but you know it will pass. Right know I have feelings I don’t like. This will be over, soon. Better days are coming. I am enough and grateful. 💪🏼 I forgive myself. I deserve to be happy. #strength #labanberting #fightinganxietyeveryday

WAS I EVER LOVED BY YOU? Rough question.

OUT OF REACH

Gabrielle 

Knew the signs, wasn't right

I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart's bruisedWas I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy every day
I know I will be okay
But I was so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that, in time
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me

Choose me!

Dear Berts, 
You can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t choose you. You can’t. Because your person is going to be your person for the rest of your life. Not just when you’re young and things are perfect, but when things get messy and you make mistakes and the world is less shiny. Make sure that you have someone by your side that wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you, and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Someone who wants to hear your laugh, and make breakfast with you, and listen to all of your dumb jokes for twenty, or thirty, or fifty years. Because there are difficult things in life, really hard and haunted things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But love should not be one of those things. Love should hold your hand and help you brave those storms. Love should be your safe place. So please, just don’t give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know, without hesitation, that they want to stay. 

Choose someone who doesn’t leave at bad times. You deserve to be happy. You are worthy.

Love, 

Berts(bwahaha)....