Don't Panic in Public.

Tried my best not to panic in public yesterday. 

So let me tell you how it feels to worry all the time. It is as if your are trapped. Your heart will beat fast, you will feel numb, you begin to sweat, the taste of metal lingering your palate, you can’t hear anything and you shiver in fear. Suddenly you don’t know that you’re holding back your tears from falling, but they are falling. You look down on the floor immediately, you feel like everyone is judging you at that moment. You cover yourself in shame. You feel like people are watching you lose a game. You anticipate that someone will help you win and eventually they abuse your kindness and leave you in the end. You feel like people are making fun of your innocence. Witnessing and enjoying how weak you are. 

And somehow you wish that you didn’t care at all so you wont get to think if you’re good enough or not. Everyday is exhausting trying to feel stronger than I feel. You breathe harder, as if there was a claw stuck in your chest. You do your level best to think of happy thoughts, you try hard to think and recall of the people who loves you and cares for you dearly. 

You tell yourself that it will pass, maybe not immediately but you know it will pass. Right know I have feelings I don’t like. This will be over, soon. Better days are coming. I am enough and grateful. 💪🏼 I forgive myself. I deserve to be happy. #strength #labanberting #fightinganxietyeveryday

WAS I EVER LOVED BY YOU? Rough question.

OUT OF REACH

Gabrielle 

Knew the signs, wasn't right

I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused
My heart's bruisedWas I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy every day
I know I will be okay
But I was so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that, in time
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm so confused
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn't see
We were never meant to be
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there for me

Choose me!

Dear Berts, 
You can’t keep choosing someone who doesn’t choose you. You can’t. Because your person is going to be your person for the rest of your life. Not just when you’re young and things are perfect, but when things get messy and you make mistakes and the world is less shiny. Make sure that you have someone by your side that wants to be there. Someone who wants to support you, and encourage you. Someone who gives you just as much effort as you give them. Someone who wants to hear your laugh, and make breakfast with you, and listen to all of your dumb jokes for twenty, or thirty, or fifty years. Because there are difficult things in life, really hard and haunted things that make it heavy and hurtful at times. But love should not be one of those things. Love should hold your hand and help you brave those storms. Love should be your safe place. So please, just don’t give the best parts of yourself to someone who doesn’t see the value in what they are receiving. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t look at you and know, without hesitation, that they want to stay. 

Choose someone who doesn’t leave at bad times. You deserve to be happy. You are worthy.

Love, 

Berts(bwahaha)....

To The girl that used to be my Best Friend

I honestly do not know how to express my feelings for you, I thought about you a couple times for some unknown reason. But it doesn't mean that I want you back, but it was more of, I do not know if you have forgiven me already but thank you for all the times I've spent with you. The countless memories are very bitter sweet to me, but I guess this is how one looks back at friendships that no longer exist, right? 

I wonder sometimes if you feel the same. Thank you so much for the times when you made me forget my worries and persuaded me to enjoy each moment. You were like my mother, a teacher and the best supporter of mine, even when it felt like no one was on my side. 

I do not wish to be friends again, because that is like going to the sea when you do not know how to swim, but I wish that somehow, perhaps through this blog(chismis), word of mouth kumbaga....... my silent whispers would reach you that I miss you. Damn I do, because we were always on each other's side, Bim.

Weight on my shoulders

Few days back, my nephew jumped onto my back, making my upper back and shoulders numb for a day. The pain is excruciating, I can't barely hold a glass using my right arm. Fortunately my auntie, Mami Taba, the older sister of my dad is with us here in Pasig and she is very good in doing some "traditional hilot"(massage). 

I was trying not to shriek, as the pain was unbearable. Akala ko nabalian ako ng buto sa totoo lang. 

While she was massaging me, she said noticed the square face I have been these past few days. She said all of a sudden "wag ka na malungkot nini, kelangan mo mag move on na ha?" 

I replied with an "Aray, aaaraaay, kooooooo Mamiiii". She then placed a salonpas on my back. Giving my back a cool/hot sensation. Eventually, I thanked her for the comfort I felt after the massage and gave her a kiss. 

Went back to my room. Locked the door and my feelings are racing. My head is spinning, pounding. I miss my mom, her dear smiles, her loud laughs. I miss how she makes things okay. But behind my grieving stage, behind all my tears of losing the best person that I love. I also miss the person who  unexpectedly broke me into pieces. My soul mate, suddenly become my worst nightmare. Losing her made me realize that no matter how much I try to get mad at her, my heart still beats for this person and it sucks. 

But yes, I have to move on. Mami Taba was right(auntie). I ended my day sobbing in bed, I can't even understand my feelings whether if I was crying for mom or my ex, or might it be the same, or might be all of my feelings towards 2020. 

Forgiveness. Tao lang ako. Tao lang sila. Pero bakit sobrang sakit naman?

Anyhow, today, my back feels a little okay. I still wanted Mami Taba to do some magic on my shoulders. As I sat on the floor, she was massaging me and she said....

"Isipin mo na lang yung magagandang bagay na ginawa niya nini, mahirap ung galit ka, patawarin mo sarili mo, siya din, madami din naman siyang naitulong siguro, nakakalungkot la-ang dahil antagal niyo na hano, saka siya bumitiw, pero ung magaganda na lang isipin mo, ganon talaga anak". I tried not to breakdown in front of her, I tried not to, but a tear fell on my face. 

Why such weight on my shoulders Berting? 

As I write this blog. I want to forgive myself. I forgive her and everyone who did me wrong. I will forgive. I will choose to forgive and let go of my suffering. I want to become my true self. I will allow to forgive myself, I will live in the present, I will free my self from suffering, I will free myself from pain, I will allow myself to let go. I forgive myself for holding on to this suffering. I will allow myself to heal from my pain and suffering. I am worthy of the freedom, I am worthy of the peace forgiveness brings. I will let go of all the hate, anger and resentment. I will free my self from this burden, I will be free. I release myself. I will be at peace. I will understand and practice compassion towards others. I love myself and all that I am so I will chose to forgive so that I can have this peace. I forgive myself. I forgive all. I will forgive. 

I will chose to forgive and let go. I will make peace of those who have been hard on me. I will allow myself to forgive others. I will forgive. I will let this go. I will forgive because I love myself. This is me letting anger go. This is me moving on. This is me releasing the weight on my shoulders. 

expired

It took me a while to set my mind straight. The anxiety and confusion has been a handful for me to carry since I last saw you. But just so you know, I am now okay even after knowing that you refused to take me back.

I understand that my intentions does not spark hope to you any more, and it's okay. Maybe you are right, we are not a match.

If my dreams do not give any relevance to yours, well it was only what I have yet to offer.

If my feelings for you aren’t strong enough, I wouldn’t beg you to stay.

And if you must see your ex gf again along with your potential partners, I just have to understand that and let go.

I have cherished you in ways you will never know and yes, I figured you’ll never appreciate them. Instead you tell everyone I fucked you over and over. Still, I let love flow in me, and still I was not able to win your heart and give you a ring, there’s nothing that I regret. I have given more than what I was ought to give. It was a fair fight I have braved.

Thank you for leaving me at my worst... I really tried and bended just not to break. I over extended myself just for you. We had our fair share of mistakes but I was the only one forgiving them in the end. I didn't know you kept them, while I was trying to be a better person for you but thank you. I'll be a better person for myself and I learned that I can love that hard and I can forgive too.

I did my best, I did, to keep and fight our relationship but in the end that love of mine is not enough for you to stay with me. Letting you go and accepting the fact that we are not meant for each other will make me more strong and will give more opportunity to explore life with different path to take.

As I let go of those hands that I once dreamt of holding for a lifetime, I gave you the freedom to find your happiness. I still firmly believe that love will complete whatever that’s been missing in you but perhaps you need it from someone else.

For that, I stopped texting you, I did not call you anymore. l stopped looking at our videos and photographs that I have on my phone.

The love I wished to share with you, this time, I will give back to myself. Maybe someday, I will be able to free myself from your painful love.

But if, one day, you find yourself wanting me back, please understand that I won’t come back… if you still don’t intend to love me back.

My Daily Struggles.

I can’t believe it happened, we saw the worst versions of us. I can’t believe the pain that I am feeling right now, losing my mother and at the same time losing all the means of love for this person I chose to be with. 

It scares me, that I might not be able to see her anymore. AND it also hurts me that I might have to let go soon. Letting her go, makes my heart cringe, I know it would hurt a lot. But how do you heal in such situation? Knowing that she was a constant reminder of how I lost my mother?  

Can anyone but her help me in my distress? all I want is to remove this stress? I know she is hurting too. But how do you heal in such a demeaning situation? I am in pain....

It has been almost every day trying not do self-harm. Thinking about all the things she said over and over again. Do I even deserve them? Do we deserve them? Or do we deserve to forgive? Deserve pa ba namin yon?

I don't trust her most of the time. I honestly don't know how to work on that. I do not know how to settle on this anymore. I just hope, god can help me as I am always on distress.