Selfish na Carebear

I DON'T CARE = WHAT DO YOU CARE ARE YOU A CAREBEAR

First of all, I am selfish cause I love myself too much. I won't care about you unless you care about me too. If my mother likes you that doesn't mean I can like you too. You want my respect you earn it. I don't care means I don't give a damn about you. Number one, why would I think about you?. Two, did you ever thought about me?. Three, where were you when I needed you?

Sometimes the people you love/d can be the source of your emptiness, loneliness. The person you thought who can love you unconditionally crushes you, heartlessly and maybe continuously. Eventually time heals and it wont hurt you anymore, cause you don't care anymore. The less you care the less it hurts. If you don't care then it wont hurt. You may feel stigmatized from those struggles. But yes, you shouldn't care. It is just a feeling. Shrug it off. I don't know if I make sense, I don't care. Cause I am selfish.

HAHA!

#facepalm


 

Nescafe.

I couldn't sleep last night, I finally had the courage to fix my luggage back to Dubai. But hindi ko natapos cause I ended up crying. Dubai, the land where I hibernated and looked for a better self. Control your emotions self. I tell myself again and again. I would bend my knees and hear a quick double snap. My poor injured knees. Hello hang in there. 

I am wearing my partner's earphones while writing this entry. BTW I was informed that these life savers are very durable, these earphones has been with her for a couple of years. I love it, at the same time I fear that she might be upset with me if I break these life savers.
 
Anyway keep reading. I am still anxious about the future. I used to fear being alone and taking care of my future nephews/nieces (shuhada - btw my sister is preggy naaa! yay!). In the past I have failed a couple of times in relationships. I admit I lost myself. I let myself embrace and linger loneliness. It took a lot of time to heal, a lot of prayers, restoration. During the darkest phase of my life I felt both my body and spirit were dead. I was empty, broken and desperate for change. I almost died(Starting over again line - jeez). I remember those drunken nights and restless days, wasted job opportunity/ies. I can still recall how monstrous I was. Today I find it funny. Reminiscing could be good sometimes to think how far you have become from self hate. But my faith led me to hers. I met her everything changed. Surprisingly, I thought I was never capable of falling again.

So starting tomorrow, I only have 14 days left here in Manila. Three months passed, I don't regret every risk I let go. I feel like I am made for her. Yes we do have a lot of differences, but we are crazy about each other. Now I have been asking myself lately, why leave? Para kanino ka nga ba gumigising? 

Untitled.

Maybe were not really meant to be.
Could be a question or a sentence. 
We both know that you and I could be together.
We might be together
Might end up together.

Darlin'
Do not keep me in vain
you should kiss me in front of them
I will find it sweeter than words
Hold me while they're looking

Fool me
act like you care
But I beg you
Do not love me in the dark
It hurts, It hurts a lot
but I chose you

I tried to get over it
Knowing
believing that this
wont take long
Patience I need you

Now
Don't play with my feelings
Maybe love isn't enough?
I couldn't control it
I yearned for you so much
Didn't want anything else
Except your gentle touch

I kept my mouth shut
Trying to deny it to myself
Pretending I didn't have
those feelings

Lying to myself
This love is starting to hurt
Pretending it's not real
Trying to put it in the past
Refusing to reveal

Conceal me from loneliness
Saturate my soul
Please relief my sadness
Cause I feel distress

I love you.
I really need you..

What Have I Done

So I woke up in the middle of the night feeling terrified and lonely. This is nothing new to me. I used to drink my worries away. But I don't drink that much anymore.

Clearly. I am very sensitive and fragile, not really obvious as my best friend told me. I am good at hiding. I use to hide inside the closet, as in literally and figuratively. My heart aches, I want to puke right now but my stomach is empty. I feel a burning sensation inside my throat. My head screams, throbbing head, please please un throb. My eyes hurt.

I state the serenity prayer. Three, four to ten times. I feel like crying again. Please stop thinking. Relax now self, breathe and now I am writing about it cause I can't and I do not know how to release this self inflicted stress. I hope writing about it vaguely can relieve my anxiousness about restlessness. But I don't even know how to love myself. Pray for me I feel miserable.

What have I done to myself. I love you July. Calm down.

WOOOSAH.

Hourglass

Perfume, smooth kind and sexy

Hush hush, please kiss me 

breathe, look at me

eyes teasing, asking, wanting

Let our skin talk

Let's suspend time

We'll never look at the hourglass

Hold me, stay like this 

You are such a euphoric bliss

We want this

Fast beats

Hands entwined

Where are we now?

my hand runs

panting body, perfect curves

I see your beautiful soul

I inhale your hungry essence  

arching bodies into my heat

I love you, I said

I love you too was bade

We have all the time in the world.

Our once tortured souls laughed. 

We Smiled.

Rather at once our time devour.
I want you forever. 

Mananalo ako

Cue in Music - Billionaire / Bruno Mars feat Travie Mccoy

Nanalo ako sa lotto, ang daming nagtetext at tumatawag saakin nangungumusta. Nalolowbat na ang cellphone ko nagagalit na si Gf kasi hindi ako makareply. Susmiyo I need a new number. LOL.  Aba bakit kaya tumatawag tong si? ah nanalo ako sa Lotto. Nabuhay at nagpaparamdam ang mga pinsan ko sa balakang at tadyang. Ay kapatid ako ni ganito na pinsan ng lolo mo na kapatid ng great great grand lola mo. ANO!?


Nagtext ang isa sa mga ex ko, binibiro ako sa mga pangarap namin noon na pwede na daw namin ulit buuin.  GAGO? Wrong number. 

Biglang may aakyat ng ligaw saakin ang pangalan Edilberto. Dodoorbell at mag papakilala sa nanay ko. Tuwang tuwa and tatay ko kasi may lalaking malakas ang loob manligaw. May tulips pang dala. Ulol? Brader po ako. Akin na lang yung flowers bibigay ko sa Gf ko. Magkapangalan pa tayo, BERTS! ako din si BERTS pare!

Bawal ako lumabas mag isa. Kelangan may body guard, pati Gf ko dumadami ang nagpapakilala sa kanya. Wala na kaming privacy. Ang hirap makipag date with her. Naks.

Pero hindi nga, nasabi kasi ng Gf ko kanina na gusto niya manalo sa lotto. Yun totoo. AKO RIN.  Bibigyan ko parents ko ng tig 2 million, si ate 2 million din. Yung natira samin na ng gf ko yun. Pangsakal namin, pang world tour, magtatayo kami ng business (sakanya ko ipapangalan - para siya habulin ng BIR - Joke lang love). Magdodonate ako sa yolanda victims. Ipapapublish ko mga sinulat ko. Mag aacting class na ako. Lahat mabibili ko pati si ANNE CURTIS.

Pero paano naman ako mananalo sa lotto?
Hindi naman ako tumataya.

Mananalo ako.
Mananalo ako.
Mananalo ako.

The thing here is?

I forgot what I want to say. :))