My Daily Struggles.

I can’t believe it happened, we saw the worst versions of us. I can’t believe the pain that I am feeling right now, losing my mother and at the same time losing all the means of love for this person I chose to be with. 

It scares me, that I might not be able to see her anymore. AND it also hurts me that I might have to let go soon. Letting her go, makes my heart cringe, I know it would hurt a lot. But how do you heal in such situation? Knowing that she was a constant reminder of how I lost my mother?  

Can anyone but her help me in my distress? all I want is to remove this stress? I know she is hurting too. But how do you heal in such a demeaning situation? I am in pain....

It has been almost every day trying not do self-harm. Thinking about all the things she said over and over again. Do I even deserve them? Do we deserve them? Or do we deserve to forgive? Deserve pa ba namin yon?

I don't trust her most of the time. I honestly don't know how to work on that. I do not know how to settle on this anymore. I just hope, god can help me as I am always on distress. 

 

 

MOM Kulit

Dear Mom,

I thought about you when I was driving in 311 this afternoon, Mj and I delivered 2 cakes. Ansaya noh, soon gagawen ko ung dream naten to start a cake business and work on events.

Anyway, naisip ko ung kulit mo if you want to suggest a route. AND most of the time you were competing with Kiki's GPS(GPRS tawag mo). Kyot mo forever. Remember when, me, Mj & Cyndot? when we were going to Al Qudra? Grabe energy mo to insist and blame me in a cute way. Sa pagod mo, KO ka agad sa camp, without even eating dinner.

Mom, that was 2 years ago, December 1, you were insisting na mali talaga ung GPS, that I could've followed you instead. But it was fine Mom, you gotta accept that tama naman ung route ni Kiki. Just that you wanted me to follow a route na mejo off na to go to and follow. But thank you for always interfering, and trying to let me know I am wrong, but most of the time, madalas haha mali ka po.

But I love you and and kulit kulit kulit mo. Sorry if I hurt you when you think that I don't listen to you. Just that, my route was better than your usual routine that time. I listen to you, all the time. I try not to be rude when you're being authoritative. But Mom, you have to let me go too. Thank you for guiding me always. It's just hurting to know that I've lost you all of a sudden. But I will try to move on Mom. I will try to remember the good ones always. I LOVE YOU EVERY DAY!

Valid thoughts at 530AM

I have my own mind. I am indeed the CEO of my life. I decide who to fire and hire in my life. AND What I feel is valid, you have been testing my patience since we have been together. I have all the reasons to hate you but my heart is too kind, too giving for this love. 

I think this is the sign that I have been waiting for, I am angry an depressed how you treat love differently. I think you are about to return to your original self. Where love is conditional and controllable. Today is a moment of sudden and great revelation of realization, that I am somewhat slowly being happy, hurting and healing at the same time. 

H.E.R. - Hard Place

Wanna believe what you say

But I hate you on most days
You've been testing my faith and my patience, yeah
And you know that I be head strong
But you know that you be dead wrong
Telling me to relax when I'm reacting

But I, I'd rather fight
Than lose sleep at night
At least you're all mine
And if I have to choose
My heart or you
I'm gonna lose, yeah

What if nothing ever will change?
Oh I'm caught between your love and a hard place
Oh I wish there was a right way
I'm caught between your love and a hard place, oh
Whoa, oh oh whoa, oh oh whoa, oh oh whoa

Do I even have a choice when
I'm gonna have to pick my poison
Yeah you hurt me so good, it's so good
And even when you 'cause tears
You're the one who wipe them away
Maybe that's the reason I stay, I stay

But I, I'd…. 

Guilt

 I hope none of you get to feel what I feel right now. Devastated, betrayed and broken. Trying to survive every morning, ignoring the fact that I am not okay. Not even a single hello was there after all the skits and play. All acted like it never happened, all deserves a standing ovation. 

I think it was a good show.

I hope you all know that. 

Guilt, is what I feel everyday prioritizing our friendship. Thinking that these friends would help me fix some of me rather than being stabbed literally behind. 

Guilt is what I feel, thinking I wasn't deserving for someone's love. While you all found refuge in my broken space. 

Was there even any slightest touch of guilt, when you all stabbed me and as as replacement you all showered me with your distress. 

Was there guilt? knowing that you all played safe while I was in pain?

Guilt, was there any guilt in your veins? No none? 

And no matter how much I try to validate my hate for all of you. 

I can't bring back the most important person in my life and I am sad that I prioritized all of you when all you did was stab me. 

 

Pag Mahal Mo

wrote this last November 22 2019

ayoko ng showbiz, sa totoo lang, ayokong snasayang ang bawat minuto ng aking buhay para alamin ang istorya ng buhay nila. pero isang beses, nabulaslas niya bigla, sa bibig niya na mismo nanggaling.

hindi niya mapapalitan ang nakaraan niya.

nais kong magbigay ng saloobin at iparamdam sknya ang pait ng aking dnaramdam. ngunit pagod na ako at magsalita noong gabing iyon o magbigay ng opinion. paano mo nasasabi ang mga ganyan kung ikaw din naman ay makasarili?

nasabi ko na lamang sa aking sarili, sana nga, naramdaman niya ang hinagpis ko. hindi ko alam kung nag mamaang maangan siya. ang alam ko, pag mahal mo anjan pa din. hnd nasuko. gusto kong isipin na tunay pa rin ang kanyang nararamdaman kahit minsay inakala kong nasaakin ka nga ngunit ang puso moy sknya pa rin.

pinili kong manahimik. kasi mahal kita at gusto ko matapos na itong kahibangan na narramdaman ko. kahibangan nga ba ito o talagang mapaglaro ang tadhana, bakit hindi matapos tapos ang linya ng kapalaran niyo.

ayoko na isipin. pero nakakagalit nga naman buklatin ang nakaraan.

pakyu ka tlg justine beeber.

I was upset, and It was petty serious.

To be honest it was too petty, but I just felt to express the real me. I haven't entertained this attitude for quite some time. But I was totally upset last night. When I am upset I become uncommunicative, and I want to be alone. I don't want to argue, I tend to be cold, distant and tense until I no longer feel pain. 

5th of JULY

Since Mom died, I promised myself not to entertain negative thoughts. I do not even have time to think of all the people who did me wrong. But today being the over emotional person that I am right now. I was really hoping and still imagining myself to walk out of the hospital with my ever smiling Mom in good health and fully recovered from covid19. Then we would go out and eat shabu-shabu or kfc as promised.  

May 24, 2020, I received a dreadful call by 4:19AM. Doctor told me she had her 3^rd cardiac arrest and died at 4:10Am, she didn’t make it. Tears started falling, I heard my sister cried on the other line as we were on a three-way call. I felt an arrow punctured my heart hearing my sister cry and I was  trying to absorb that my mom didn’t make it. 

Thousand things ran in my mind, of all people, why my Mom. There are a lot of bullshits out there, 

I didn’t get to hug her when she was struggling inside that hospital. We didn’t get to hold her hand when she was in pain. Our family is hurting. I am hurting so bad as I was the one who decided to bring her to the hospital when I saw her panting & struggling to breathe. Nobody said it was this harsh. I thought it was just a one-week isolation. She can make it; I knew she can. 

I want to pin point at someone, someone should be liable for this madness. Whoever started this Covid19 bullshit?? I ask the Lord, politely, how come God? My mom was about to retire, she was about to live her life with her grandchildren and travel with my sister and dad. My mom was just in her room. I barely make any contact with her. But why my mom? I am so pissed with myself and the universe. Everyone loved my mom.

I try to raise it all to the lord. All the pain and guilt. I ask for God for strength and forgiveness while I questioned all his plans. God please, can you explain this, God what was the reason for this please? Knowing that the most loving person in my life was taken from me. I couldn't stop blaming myself. This is all my fault. I could’ve done better, rather than calling the ambulance. It all boils down to me. Now people kept on asking me. What happened July? Paano niya nakuha yon?

I wanted to say putang ina naman, hindi ko alam, satingen niyo mababalik ko pa si mommy sa ganyang tanong? Is that a proper question? I was positive too, I did my best.  But I kept on saying, I do not feel comfortable with that question.

I sincerely hope none of you have to go through this bad situation with a loved one. I advise you make the most with your parents, make time and make peace with them as Losing a parent is indeed the most painful thing one has ever have to experience. Losing an ex lover is nothing but compared to a painful cracked ingrown nail. 

Losing my Mom in this situation is like losing my own heart.  Next time you wonder if it's really that important to wear a mask and gloves when you're in public remember that it is not just your health that you need to be considerate of. I am sharing my story in hopes that it encourage others to be very careful and take care of themselves and their loved ones. By far this is the most painful entry I've had to do. 

And again my only wish for my birthday is a reset button for 2020. I hope somebody can tell me that this is all a dream, that this is just a prank, a very bad prank. I love you mom, everyday, it sucks to lose you at this time.