I never failed to hurt me.

 

It was the weekend, I forgot to be honest, and maybe it was almost the weekend when I last saw her. Again. It felt numb, the happy numb. I was terrified. As I try to be in my friendliest state. I was frozen. I stared at her, once, maybe twice, not letting her notice it. I do not know why I do stupid things around her; I do not know how she does this.

How she can make me say yes to a no. I tried to hide my fondness, in a frown. Because she seemed to like someone’s attention now and I was right. My intuition never failed me. I was expecting that. This is silly. Finding myself, a little jealous. Every time I see her, it is beating, again. I describe it as a child, who is very excited about Christmas presents. But that one fine day, tragedy seems to happen the least you expect it. Here we go again.  

She smiled at me. However, I knew the smiles were not really for me, sadly. How I wish they were for me. I felt bad about it, that her heart was never really mine. She was never really mine to start with. That day, how I wish I was getting all her attention. Still a no. She is better with  someone. I see smiles on her face too. Like winning the lottery kind of smile. They do look good together.

Silently, I will let her go; finally, this is the last draw. I was hoping to be brave enough to tell her what I feel because the timing was damn surreal. I thought maybe this was our time. My mind is all mixed up. Hoping I could tell everything to her. I just can’t. There is no best or better way, but silence. Because in any way, it will be too painful for me to bear. I’d rather win her back as a friend. I really can’t lose myself again in love. I will just wait, maybe, in the corner, I don't know. Because it friggin sucks to let go of someone, that was not, really there. How platonic can I be? Jeez, *rolls eyes

Okay, I might see her after 2 weeks, my almost. Gahh #wagako

 

Stupid for a day, or two?

I suddenly said 'Stupid thing we do". My heart wandered, almost breaking, but not in tears this time. 

I was driving 148 km away from her. Stupid, but I was damn happy. Stupid for wanting. Happy stupid, it is, is there such a thing as happy stupid? to be happily stupid. It was really fun, but it was stupid in all aspects. I have become more stupid, to begin with, it was a stupid idea. The idea that she might want me. Stupid, because I couldn't help myself but want her more. It is stupidly impossible. Stupid to expect reciprocation. I am such a stupid person to want her. I am so stupid I miss her already. 

But if I have to play stupid, just to see her, believe me, I would. Just to get her time and attention. I don't mind being stupid for a day? or two? maybe I can deal with it for a long time. I will play stupid. If it's the only way to see her, be with her. I will play stupid. This is stupid. Please get out of my head, my system. Because this is stupid. 

On the other hand, she is stupid too. I like how stupid she is. For what is worth, I am not turned off. I would choose to be stupid to see her, all over again, even if she is with someone else again. why do I feel stupid, about her? how can we get more stupid? 

What would you do if stupid, finds another stupid. We'll be able to be stupidly in love? 

This is so stupid. Stupid to stop falling for her. This is so stupid. 

I want to pursue her.

I want to pursue her, but I cannot, kasi nga baka tama siya. Torpe ako. I cannot pursue her, yet, and maybe I might or will never make a move anymore.

I am starting to like her a lot again, in more ways that I had expected. She can be annoyingly and dangerously beautiful, her outlook in everything, her protectiveness over me, her positive energy draws me, deliberately, weak, closer to losing control.  I like how she confidently move around me.

Today, I write this, as I am so happy she allowed me to know her better. She allowed our friendship to bloom and go deeper. Suddenly she has been so comfortable with me. She told me things I am afraid to tell and accept myself. She uplift me in times of sadness. She turned a bad, cloudy day into sunshine.

She would rant about little tidbits of her life and she knows how much I love to listen to all her stories. Her heartaches, her opinion, her grudges, her disappointments. I am so flattered by her trust, a trust that I cannot give even to myself.

She let me in her life and she successfully entered mine.

And as I knew her more, I saw things that are sight for sore eyes. I was able to unravel the things I kept hidden. Things that are hidden in the deepest cellars of my heart. I saw her weakest side, her flaws, her imperfections, her doubts, her fears, her disappointments, her bad attitude, her stubborness, .

But these did not discourage me. It did not turn me off, not even a bit. These are the things that further deepened my feelings. All her positives and negatives, her good and bad, her big and little things.

I may be thinking of confessing and pursuing her. I have been praying and hoping that she will feel the same. I have been imagining being part of her family. Waking up each morning and being welcomed by the most beautiful scene I’ve ever seen.

Her smile. That beautiful scar of hers that I want to kiss, every day.

But then, I guess we are still work in progress. Or maybe I am just a friend to her, but I am ready to accept that, kasi I am happy just by being with her.  Maybe, there are many things set up for us to prioritize. I think, we must focus first on these things- the people that we need to give more time, our struggles, our commitments. Clearly, she doesn't have the slightest idea on how much I want her & need her. I have loved her hopelessly, for years. 

I want to pursue her but I do not know anymore. 

Paki pasa ang bola.

I feel peculiar, at this time I am in a coffee shop/tea shop filled with Indians. Sa totoo lang gusto ko magtrahabo, kaso siya ang naiisip ko. San ba to nagsimula? Hay panira ng moment gurl.

Naaalala ko pa noong una ko siyang nakilala. Ang cute cute niya, naka pink na basketball shoes. Ang liet niya, pwede ibulsa, blonde, pixie cut hair, pero bat parang galit siya palagi? Bagay na hindi ko maintindihan. Pag nakikita ko siya, gusto ko siyang lambingin, then kinabukasan lalambingin ko pa din.

Nun dumating kami sa opening ng liga, laking surpresa ko na ka-team ko pala siya. From Dubai, nasugod kami to Abu Dhabi just to play basketball on a Saturday morning. Infairness sa aken noon time na yon, kinakaya ko pa mag habol at magtatakbo sa mga pasa nya. Kahit wala kaming practice, nagawan naman naming makapag laro. Ang sakit niya mag pasa ha. Naalala ko na corbo pa yata ako dahil sa kanya. Pero sinasalo ko pa rin naman. Nasasalo ko pa rin naman.

Kabado, ganto din kaya ang nararamdaman nya tuwing kasama niya ako sa loob ng court? Natutuwa kaya siya tuwing nakakashoot ako mula sa mga pasa niyang napakasakit? On an average game. Nakaka 8-10 points ako with her as my PG.

                                         

Magaling siya mag laro ha, nafafascinate ako sa mga point guards. Kelangan ng talino, lakas at bilis to pass. I like the passers. Nun pinasok ako ng coach namen, naaalala ko andme kong nashoot. Pagkatapos ng laro, minsan nagiinuman pa kami or kain sa labas ng buong team, kun san man abutin. Sinusubukan ko maging kaibigan siya. Ang ganda niya, ung tipong gusto ko na tanungen anong skin care na ginagamit niya? May scar siya sa left side ng head niya, pero hindi mo siya mapapansin kung hindi mo siya pagmamasdan. Asa may bilyaran kami noon. Hindi ko siya magawang lapitan.

Isang beses, pinagmasdan ko ulit sya habang naglalaro. Sabi saken ng isa kong team mate, “hoy tol, obit yan”. Bagay na napuna ko naman sa kanya. Pero dahil me pagka masokista tayo, dinedma ko iyon. Minsan katxt ko siya. Minsan hindi. Nagrereply siya minsan. Minsan hindi. Sa restaurant daw siya nag wowork, aba, Visor pala siya.

So eto na naman ako, inooffer ko ang libreng CV pa edit. Nalaman ko ang madaming bagay about her whilst reading her CV. She went on, and on, na nappiste na siya sa work niya. I prayed makahanap na siya ng bagong work so she can just reply constantly saken, sent updated CV.

Minsan hindi ko siya magawang itxt, pero may isang araw na napasugod ako to Abu Dhabi para makita siya, kaso di ko alam, I just want to know her gestures. I just want to see her. Baka iba siya pag kaming dalawa lang. I just want to be with her miski kaming dalawa lang mag jog sa corniche. I just want to listen to her. Kasi mukhang andme niyang emotional baggage. But di ko alam, bakit hindi niya ako mineet. Hindi naman ako nagalit.

Kasalanan ko din naman, kasi, hindi ko sinabi sknya in advance. So I went on sa corniche, ng Abu Dhabi. Thinking out loud on my head. Shutaca. Sinabihan ka nang obit nga eh. The league went on and talo kami. Pero mythical 5 siya. Naks galing niya, pakiss nga. Charot. Ibang kaba nafefeel ko kasi di ko alam. Bakit ba nakaka attract ang mga point guards? Ako lang ba?

One fine January 2018, napasugod ulit ako with my team mate to abu dhabi, para makipractice. It went well. Masaya ako, ayan na naman siya, ang bwakaw, pero pag nagpasa, napakasakit but sinasalo ko talaga. Ang sakit niya talaga magpasa. After the practice. We drank the JD that I brought. Sabi saken ang susyal naman daw ng dinala ko, dapat empi nln daw. Hahaha. Tapos me maganda siyang kasama, nagyayakapan sila eh, so may meaning un. I was hurt. Totoo. Maganda ung girl ah.   

Dun ko naramdaman, tanga mo naman Berting. I stopped, wanting her. I was hoping na mali ako. Di ko alam kung napansin niya ung efforts ko to be with her. Di ko alam kung napansin niya ung enthusiasm ko to improve. Di ko alam kung napansin niyang I would drive a 200 kms just to see her, taga Sharjah pa ako noon. Nag join din ako sa Classic sometime, 2018, kasi I still want to get her attention. Kaso di naman ako napapasok tuwing siya ang point guard. We were 3^rd placer on this league.

SO, I guess the timing and the person she was that time isn’t for me. Until, I met someone. She met someone. Occasionally, chinecheck ko ang FB niya. Oh, She can drive na. She has a cat. She lives with her. She looked happier, stronger, and matured. She went on different places na din. I noticed, we both stopped playing for a certain time. I still joined Classic team for the last time in 2019. Nag champion kami, and I was wondering bakit wala siya sa line up. Apparently, pinag bawalan ata siya ng gf niya, same with me. Nag mapilit lang ako para makasali.

2021, years after, I was in Mamzar beach, crying, grieving pa kasi ako ng sobra sobra kasi I lost my mom and my ex was the most unhuman person na nakilala ko. Nagpaparamdam siya all of a sudden. So she works in a travel agency na. Timing is right na siguro, na I should leave UAE. I took a chance, listened to her assessment, but nafefeel ko this is not the right timing yet. Plano ko na mag student pag financially ready na talaga ako, pero paano ako aalis kung masaya naman ako sa career ko dito?

Nagpaparamdam siya pag pmupunta siya Dubai. Asking me routes on the train, magkape daw kami. But I have been really busy on my own shell, madalas di ko narereplyan. Di ko na namalayan na gusto ko na siya noon pa, na I risked one day just to reach her pero it didn’t worked. This year nagparamdam siya ulit, apparently nagbabalik siya sa pagbabasketball.

I told her to play with my team. I told her I do not play anymore, when needed lang, pag practice lang, that I am better coaching. Pero ambilis pa din niya. Naglaro kami last week, that moment when she passed the ball to me a couple of times. To my surprise, hindi na ako nasaktan sa pasa niya. It was a crucial game, kaso natalo kami ng 1 point. Kasi shooter mga Barbies ko, that was a fast .001 millisecond hahaha

It was tough but she made it feel like it was nothing. Why does it feel na she can manage my emotions? I am a very emotional person, and I know I can’t let anyone hurt me at this time. I am just too fragile. Pero parang ansaya ko that day, kasi I saw a different her, long hair na siya, ganon pa din, ang cute, ang sarap ibulsa, palangiti na din siya.. she doesn’t frown that much na.. she doesnt look cranky anymore.. But sumobra ata sa confidence and daldal? Haha! Nilibre pa niya ako. Bagay na weakness ko. Anrupok ko na yata.

Tanong ko sa sarili ko, ito na baa ng pag-ibig na hindi ko na ipipilit? Lord ito na ba ung kusang binibigay… Ito na baa ng divine timing? Ito na baa ng last hooray ko? kung yung mga pasa niyang masakit, hindi na ngayon masakit. Would that mean anything? Would that mean na kaya hindi mo siya binigay saken noon kasi we need to learn things separately. To grow maturely?

Torpe daw ako. What was that all about, sinabi niya saken ito out of knowhere… Bakit saken niya uli pinapasa ang bola? Kabola bola ba talaga ako? Sana hindi niya ako pinapaikot noh? Do I have to be bolder with her?

Kasi if the wait is over, then this is really worth the wait. May this love be sincere, pure and worth the risk.  Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na kaya ko saluhen ang lahat. Ngayon pa ba ako susuko? Kaya ko pa ba itong saluhen muli? Ang tanong ko, papasahan pa ba niya ako?