MOM Kulit

Dear Mom,

I thought about you when I was driving in 311 this afternoon, Mj and I delivered 2 cakes. Ansaya noh, soon gagawen ko ung dream naten to start a cake business and work on events.

Anyway, naisip ko ung kulit mo if you want to suggest a route. AND most of the time you were competing with Kiki's GPS(GPRS tawag mo). Kyot mo forever. Remember when, me, Mj & Cyndot? when we were going to Al Qudra? Grabe energy mo to insist and blame me in a cute way. Sa pagod mo, KO ka agad sa camp, without even eating dinner.

Mom, that was 2 years ago, December 1, you were insisting na mali talaga ung GPS, that I could've followed you instead. But it was fine Mom, you gotta accept that tama naman ung route ni Kiki. Just that you wanted me to follow a route na mejo off na to go to and follow. But thank you for always interfering, and trying to let me know I am wrong, but most of the time, madalas haha mali ka po.

But I love you and and kulit kulit kulit mo. Sorry if I hurt you when you think that I don't listen to you. Just that, my route was better than your usual routine that time. I listen to you, all the time. I try not to be rude when you're being authoritative. But Mom, you have to let me go too. Thank you for guiding me always. It's just hurting to know that I've lost you all of a sudden. But I will try to move on Mom. I will try to remember the good ones always. I LOVE YOU EVERY DAY!

Valid thoughts at 530AM

I have my own mind. I am indeed the CEO of my life. I decide who to fire and hire in my life. AND What I feel is valid, you have been testing my patience since we have been together. I have all the reasons to hate you but my heart is too kind, too giving for this love. 

I think this is the sign that I have been waiting for, I am angry an depressed how you treat love differently. I think you are about to return to your original self. Where love is conditional and controllable. Today is a moment of sudden and great revelation of realization, that I am somewhat slowly being happy, hurting and healing at the same time. 

H.E.R. - Hard Place

Wanna believe what you say

But I hate you on most days
You've been testing my faith and my patience, yeah
And you know that I be head strong
But you know that you be dead wrong
Telling me to relax when I'm reacting

But I, I'd rather fight
Than lose sleep at night
At least you're all mine
And if I have to choose
My heart or you
I'm gonna lose, yeah

What if nothing ever will change?
Oh I'm caught between your love and a hard place
Oh I wish there was a right way
I'm caught between your love and a hard place, oh
Whoa, oh oh whoa, oh oh whoa, oh oh whoa

Do I even have a choice when
I'm gonna have to pick my poison
Yeah you hurt me so good, it's so good
And even when you 'cause tears
You're the one who wipe them away
Maybe that's the reason I stay, I stay

But I, I'd…. 

Guilt

 I hope none of you get to feel what I feel right now. Devastated, betrayed and broken. Trying to survive every morning, ignoring the fact that I am not okay. Not even a single hello was there after all the skits and play. All acted like it never happened, all deserves a standing ovation. 

I think it was a good show.

I hope you all know that. 

Guilt, is what I feel everyday prioritizing our friendship. Thinking that these friends would help me fix some of me rather than being stabbed literally behind. 

Guilt is what I feel, thinking I wasn't deserving for someone's love. While you all found refuge in my broken space. 

Was there even any slightest touch of guilt, when you all stabbed me and as as replacement you all showered me with your distress. 

Was there guilt? knowing that you all played safe while I was in pain?

Guilt, was there any guilt in your veins? No none? 

And no matter how much I try to validate my hate for all of you. 

I can't bring back the most important person in my life and I am sad that I prioritized all of you when all you did was stab me.