LOreal.

I having a hard time, everyday, covering and licking my wounds, convincing myself that I am over the injustices that happened to me this year. I hate flashbacks of what ifs and what now. I am doing my best to ignore it, but I still end up blaming myself, and still living in doubt, continuously questioning myself was it all worth it??

To be honest, I am tired of being the bigger person. I am trying my best to mend bridges, choosing forgiveness and let go of the things that I can't handle. But now that I have nothing to prove. This is my conscience speaking, writing, that my reputation chooses kindness. I am choosing kindness because this is right, I refuse to be victim. Because wala akong ginagawang masama. Tagalog yan para magets agad. 

But no, I wan't to be different, I want to punch the hell out of someone or anyone and this is not me. My soul is mad. I am completely losing my mind. It all boils down to..............

Why does everyone I care for, never fails to disappoint me? when all I do is love them? Is it too much love or is was never enough? Is it because I am a practical choice? BTW I am fed up with the world "Practical". I hate it so much right now. 

The hardest thing of moving forward in this dilemma is to continuously choose kindness. To smile and pretend you do not know anything about any confrontation. To resist shouting and ignore judgement. To respond with positive comments instead of a mean jab and I end up praying. 

Song of the month and maybe for the last months of 2019

How Do You Sleep?

Sam Smith

I'm done hatin' myself for feelin'
I'm done cryin' myself awake
I've gotta leave and start the healin'
But when you move like that, I just want to stay

What have I become?
Lookin' through your phone now, oh, now
Love to you is just a game
Look what I've done
Dialing up the numbers on you
I don't want my heart to break

Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight

Love will keep you up tonight
(Tell me how do you)

Oh no, how did I manage to lose me?
I am not this desperate, not this crazy
There's no way I'm stickin' 'round to find out
I won't…

Source: LyricFind

A Time for Everything - Ecclesiastes 3:1-22

I thought of this Bible verse a week ago, I had this memorized when I was in grade school.
While each time and season may seem too random. The verse clearly shows everything we experience in life. 

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

15 Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.[b]

16 And I saw something else under the sun:

In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

17 I said to myself,

“God will bring into judgment
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”

18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

Miggy Boy(Slinky) Part 2

And so the foster guy, whom we thought was gonna be your new daddy surrendered you into another foster rescue team, who apparently found your forever home. Our poor boy.

I hope all is well now, yesterday, we met the foster lady number 2 to surrender your documents. She said that she has been rescuing dogs and giving them to people who can take care of dogs. I don't want to get into details, but we are happy to send you off into a better family. Again til we meet again..... 

Miggy Boy(Slinky).

I am sorry, Miggy. My heart breaks while writing this entry.

For 2 days and 3 nights, it felt like forever. We really wanted a dog, so MJ and I decided to get one in DM. When I saw you I fell in love, you looked like my Pixie lab. But when I held you, I started to doubt and realize that you are meant for a villa not in our flat.

Day one, Thursday noon, we went directly to a pet shop to buy some gears for you, It wasn't that stressful because you started kissing, playing, you were very behaved and at the same time playful. I can imagine myself losing weight as I have to sacrifice and wake up and bring you to the park. Unfortunately, parks here in SHJ are not pet friendly, which is very weird.

We left you in our room for about 20 mins to eat lunch, MJ and I started to think of our plans to keep you with us on board, we knew there was something wrong, but we wanted you. We love you already. When we came back to the room, you were sitting silently, and quiet. How handsome!

But we had to leave for Westlife concert in the evening, I started to have anxiety for leaving you as our room wasn't doggie proofed yet, meaning you still can reach anything to chew on. I messaged Mom when we were in Coca-Cola arena, unfortunately, no response, I thought she was still sleeping, still j

However when we came, the room was chaos, but you looked so kind and cute. Hamper was messed up, you chewed my earphones and dslr camera remote, you chewed your MJ's notebook, my office laptop was lying on the floor. We slept, around 2AM. doggie proofing everything, putting all things on top of our shelves and cabinet. Covering the shoe rack.

We started keeping things beyond your reach, we were breathing patience, you peed and pooped on our floor. I saw MJ worked so hard on chores, mopping and wiping. She was very patient  with you Miggy. I was so tired, I slapped with a slipper on your nose to keep quiet, I felt guilty, but it was effective you stopped barking, we can't make you bark and make noise inside, people will take you away from us. I am sorry handsome.

The next morning, you were so cute, waking us up by 7am... You peed again, we doze and snoozed until 10am. This time you poop, it was smelly, it was froyo like, we can't ignore it this time. We started cleaning and feeding you, we started looking for videos to stop you from making a dirt inside the house. We played ball, fetch was so boring for you we cannot make your energy low, you're too hyper, we just wanted sleep. We decided to make you poop in the staircase, and btw I cleaned the stair case. It was tiring but were good to go.

Then we had naps, you were on my leg, my head was aching due to lack of sleep, I'm sure MJ was having a hard time too, because we haven't eaten anything yet, we tried to eat inside the room for brunch, but you wanted a bite, so we went outside instead. there is no way we can eat in front of you.

Then we started to play again, I saw MJ relentlessly tired but fighting. We had to leave again for a house party, but before leaving you we went to the pet store to buy a cage. I felt tired. Went back and voila the dirt was back. We went to the pet store the next morning to but you a mouth strap, whatever you call it, I feel double guilt, because it refrains you from barking and it worked for a while.

On the evening, MJ cried and agreed to give up on you. I saw MJ trying to fight it, but she knew we had to let him go, it is not fair to have him stay with us.

We met his new Daddy in ENOC near MCC. He was very excited and he seemed dog friendly.
I broke down. Inside the car. We will try to get you back Miggy Boy...

Please, self, always decide to be happy.

*cue in music*

Happy - Pharrel Williams

Sometimes happiness scares me. Being happy would always reciprocate a slight sense of panic, wherein you get yourself to thinking “watch out, July, Happiness will last until a certain time, and there won’t be enough for tomorrow”.

Lately, I feel happiness from within, but I can’t stop and wonder how long this feeling is going to stick around. I always hope it doesn’t stop and the best way to feel happy is to 

stop overthinking. 

Because I still struggle with this a lot, I love being happy, but I also don’t want to feel happy, because I am scared of not always feeling happy. 

Like most people, we all do have happy and sad moments. My heart is constantly hesitating, wallowing everything if things are even worth my time. Maybe, because I am scared of being hurt by the same people who least I expect the most to hurt me. Maybe I just need to reflect more and allow myself to feel happy, I will decide to be happy, because I have roof, I had breakfast, lunch and dinner, I have good friends, a good bed, a partner to be with in bed, I finished college, I have great family, I have a job, I have great colleagues.

So I will push my doubts aside for a while, I will forget all of the “what if’s” and “buts”, and let happiness flow in me, and today is going to be amazing. I deserve to be happy. J

Trivia for today.
CHEROPHOBIA - is the fear of being happy.

Imbecile of the highest kind

*warning - this entry has a lot of violent and foul content. This post ain't for the thin skinned.

---

Dear Imbecile,

First of all fuck you for even thinking that I am insecure to you. I have raised my bar high enough to ignore your existence. I have respected you, and warned you, but you cant seem to get your hands off my boundary. AND If I see your fucking existence, again, in my plans, I will make your life fucking miserable.

Fuck you for trying to ruin my relationship and fuck you we do not need you in our lives, fuck your existence and fuck your life. You fucking disgust me! You have no advantage to my credentials, achievements and my family background. You are tasteless and good for nothing son of a bitch!

You are lucky god has given you an opportunity to be in this amazing place! You are no good in this society and fucking imbeciles like you don't even DESERVE to breathe first class air!

PUTANG INA MO HAYUP KANG HITAD KA!
*breathes - that felt good.

Go Fuck yourself.

- Robert Urdaneta

Losing the Love for the Game

I think I am having the mini-crisis moment again in deliberating whether to go back in the sport I have played for the past 11 years. Basketball. Losing my love for this game started way back 2008. I found myself lying on a rehabilitation bed in Medical City Ortigas, getting my right knee repaired, I mean fixed. I had a nasty push from another player and I forgot which team and name of the player who pushed me. I just wanted to get over the angst of going back and fort for sports rehab and walk straight. 

On average, my enthusiasm dwindles about once a season, but it always come back. Wondering if this time it would be different. Can I still run like I used to? Can I still see open plays? Be a Point Guard, shoot 3 points. It all went gone. Zilch, the skills, the dribbling, the nasty passes.

The highlight of my time was during high school, I can recall how I saw my Dad supported me. He watched and cheered from a far. He saw the peak of my basketball career. 

Until college hoops, came, I was able to get through, I had a chance to play for MC. I’ve lost my head a thousand times on the court, and what’s more funny is that I hated my team mates, mainly for reasons that I don’t give a damn. I just wanted to play, I have experienced feeling alienated and always proving myself that I am a great team mate. I walked around and played half-heartedly. Sometimes I feel over animated. I wasn't given the same opportunity in college hoops, I didn't have the chance to play and enjoy. I was a 2nd stringer or the last minute player in 4th quarter. 

I'd like to think that I didn't have the attitude problem, and they all have inferiority complex. Beyond that, training season back then was enough to ruin my day, seeing my team mates hoard for the ball, and intentionally bullies you inside your home court. It was a dreadful experience fighting for acceptance. 

It was pathetic. Stupid. But I never lost my cool, maybe I was just physically incapable of playing for fun that time, and college hoops was indeed stressful. Until I got hurt, badly injured, 

I am a silent competitive person, I am pretty serious and sometimes I struggle. Because I hate losing and I hate being under performing. But at my age, I find myself as a mediocre player. And it is totally fine, because I do not have any ambition to make it a career. Well I used to think I could make a career out of it. 

Hanging up my basketball shoes, I've done this a couple of times already. I am playing now for fun, I don't practice and I don't even want to play for more than 5 mins on court. As much as I love the sport, I refuse to give all my time on it. I know in a way quitting would be averting and working my way back would be a complete hiatus. But it seems to be a healthy compromise. I just don't care. Let's have fun! 

It is not about losing.

I can only think about the major differences that we have, It may seem like we are always in a whirl wind romance all the time, but tell you what, we have fought so hard these past few days. And I would say, we almost lost it and we might lose it, I guess we have reached comfortable zone. This is were I am bad at.

Woke up with a headache, mainly because I had trouble sleeping. Her words haunting me, as I demanded for an apology, she said she would not give. Eventually, maybe. My mind set has been programmed to accept that she has her own reasons to validate the bad words she let her mouth when she was mad. And to be able to function properly, I pretended she said sorry, by staring at her. I needed to think that way, I am not a masochist, being the emotional and sensitive me, I needed to move on from that big fight. I just need to let it go and shake it off.

I have stripped the sticky notes on the walls of our room. I was giving up on her that time. It got me thinking that I could just be again the best tita and daughter our family could ever had. I was also thinking and hoping she would ask or initiate putting it back together, but to date, she doesn't seem to care about it, maybe expectations really spoils every relationship. But isn't it normal to expect from your partner?

We clearly have issues coming in and out, but we are still together. I am doing my best to compromise, even though she keeps telling me that I keep on doing what hurts her. That clearly I don't get to see her grudges. To be honest, I dont know.

What does that mean?

I guess in every relationship, doubts can come in between. It is so hard to sacrifice things for someone so dear to you just to keep a relationship. But clearly, compromise isn't about losing, it is deciding that this person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do. No relationship is perfect, I am a perfectionist, she maybe not. There are ways to bend, we will always find ways to work out, because at the end of the day, it is better to bend than to break a relationship.

We find ways. I will find a way. I will not regret this post. She will be my wife.

I love her.

Materialism Day

To be materialistic.

A few years back, back when I was HS, and nokia phones were the trend. I friend asked me, what is the model of your phone? why this phone? responded by saying.

“Why not, it still runs, I can txt and call. why not?"

During that time phones without antennas are cool as aff. My friend’s face suddenly went into a full a*&@^!* mode.

My friend purchased her phone I guess mainly for the gain of her status symbol. Technically her dad bought it pala that time. To her, the model of your phone and if it had a camera is meant to signify its owners’ high social and economic standing. Gee fine yours doesnt have an antenna.

For me, during that time my phone is an object to connect me from my dad who picks me up at school. My 5310 rocks!

I inherited that phone from my sistah.

See, I have nothing against people buying and purchasing handbags, shoes, cars, Rolex, and iPhones.

After all, people have every right to use their hard earned money. Parent's ehem.

But sometimes, it is too much. Lalo na ung mga kabayan dito. I once read in Atty Barney's book - Andito ka sa ibang bansa para mag ipon hindi mag iphone.

People are so hooked up with material things, working long hours to attain that, and still end up being miserable. I still own an s7 edge phone, the new model now is s10. I am 3 models away and I dont care because my phone is still working.

What people don’t know is that Materialism is a system that eats people from the inside out.These people define their value in terms of the objects that they own. They get stuck in a never-ending comparison. They crave external appreciation and wait to be noticed by others.

I face people from different walks of life, and believe me, I can sense those people who are “Materialistic” a mile away. One more thing, do not spend more than what you earn.

It’s a shame to see people living that way. Some of them are close friends and relatives of mine.

Point is. if you find yourself reading this entry. If you can afford it. Why not. Edi wow.

Not Everyone You Lose is a Loss

Well hello Berts, this is my first post in 2019.

I thought of writing an entry while my partner is studying her RBT course online, at the moment we are in Aloft DCC. We just had our dinner here in Han Shi Fu, the food is amazing by the way, I think they are far better than PF Changs(which is overpriced now). I think I am already drunk, tonight is ladies night!

Anyhow, I have been dying to write these past few days, because writing helps me vent and release tension. Oh Yes, I was in tension this evening due to work. Ugh I just can't wait to be a business owner, so tired of being a corporate slave. So there's this video my partner showed me, that not everyone you lose is a loss. My thoughts. Ok. I will write about it soon. And that soon, went on and on and on until today is April 3rd.

......................There will always be 2 sides of a story. 10:27PM.

When I faced 2018, I already set my mind to positivity, I already accepted that life is not fair. Life will hit you hard, but you have to stand up and learn from each fall you had. I carry no grudge, really, because after all the betrayal and karmas, I found the love that chooses me and only me.

It took a lot of reflection, self pity, patience and love. But the best thing I have learned was never hate anyone.The world is already filled with hatred and I could never be one bitter semi lad who can only think of what ifs. Let's all move on, be happy, forgiving and loving.

About the video, well I am very thankful to all the people who took the courage to ghost me in the middle of a crash and burn situation.

A lesson and a scar. I don't even think it is a grueling task to think if I was worth the time. It is pointless. We have to grow up and move forward. Come to think of it?

Things change. People Change. Circumstances change.

Let's cut those old loose ties, cut all the memories, because sticking together won't do good anymore. Leave, save yourself, don't look back, there's nothing more hurtful to save yourself. This is where we are good at, run away, because being self fish is very easy? right?