Pag Mahal Mo

wrote this last November 22 2019

ayoko ng showbiz, sa totoo lang, ayokong snasayang ang bawat minuto ng aking buhay para alamin ang istorya ng buhay nila. pero isang beses, nabulaslas niya bigla, sa bibig niya na mismo nanggaling.

hindi niya mapapalitan ang nakaraan niya.

nais kong magbigay ng saloobin at iparamdam sknya ang pait ng aking dnaramdam. ngunit pagod na ako at magsalita noong gabing iyon o magbigay ng opinion. paano mo nasasabi ang mga ganyan kung ikaw din naman ay makasarili?

nasabi ko na lamang sa aking sarili, sana nga, naramdaman niya ang hinagpis ko. hindi ko alam kung nag mamaang maangan siya. ang alam ko, pag mahal mo anjan pa din. hnd nasuko. gusto kong isipin na tunay pa rin ang kanyang nararamdaman kahit minsay inakala kong nasaakin ka nga ngunit ang puso moy sknya pa rin.

pinili kong manahimik. kasi mahal kita at gusto ko matapos na itong kahibangan na narramdaman ko. kahibangan nga ba ito o talagang mapaglaro ang tadhana, bakit hindi matapos tapos ang linya ng kapalaran niyo.

ayoko na isipin. pero nakakagalit nga naman buklatin ang nakaraan.

pakyu ka tlg justine beeber.

I was upset, and It was petty serious.

To be honest it was too petty, but I just felt to express the real me. I haven't entertained this attitude for quite some time. But I was totally upset last night. When I am upset I become uncommunicative, and I want to be alone. I don't want to argue, I tend to be cold, distant and tense until I no longer feel pain. 

5th of JULY

Since Mom died, I promised myself not to entertain negative thoughts. I do not even have time to think of all the people who did me wrong. But today being the over emotional person that I am right now. I was really hoping and still imagining myself to walk out of the hospital with my ever smiling Mom in good health and fully recovered from covid19. Then we would go out and eat shabu-shabu or kfc as promised.  

May 24, 2020, I received a dreadful call by 4:19AM. Doctor told me she had her 3^rd cardiac arrest and died at 4:10Am, she didn’t make it. Tears started falling, I heard my sister cried on the other line as we were on a three-way call. I felt an arrow punctured my heart hearing my sister cry and I was  trying to absorb that my mom didn’t make it. 

Thousand things ran in my mind, of all people, why my Mom. There are a lot of bullshits out there, 

I didn’t get to hug her when she was struggling inside that hospital. We didn’t get to hold her hand when she was in pain. Our family is hurting. I am hurting so bad as I was the one who decided to bring her to the hospital when I saw her panting & struggling to breathe. Nobody said it was this harsh. I thought it was just a one-week isolation. She can make it; I knew she can. 

I want to pin point at someone, someone should be liable for this madness. Whoever started this Covid19 bullshit?? I ask the Lord, politely, how come God? My mom was about to retire, she was about to live her life with her grandchildren and travel with my sister and dad. My mom was just in her room. I barely make any contact with her. But why my mom? I am so pissed with myself and the universe. Everyone loved my mom.

I try to raise it all to the lord. All the pain and guilt. I ask for God for strength and forgiveness while I questioned all his plans. God please, can you explain this, God what was the reason for this please? Knowing that the most loving person in my life was taken from me. I couldn't stop blaming myself. This is all my fault. I could’ve done better, rather than calling the ambulance. It all boils down to me. Now people kept on asking me. What happened July? Paano niya nakuha yon?

I wanted to say putang ina naman, hindi ko alam, satingen niyo mababalik ko pa si mommy sa ganyang tanong? Is that a proper question? I was positive too, I did my best.  But I kept on saying, I do not feel comfortable with that question.

I sincerely hope none of you have to go through this bad situation with a loved one. I advise you make the most with your parents, make time and make peace with them as Losing a parent is indeed the most painful thing one has ever have to experience. Losing an ex lover is nothing but compared to a painful cracked ingrown nail. 

Losing my Mom in this situation is like losing my own heart.  Next time you wonder if it's really that important to wear a mask and gloves when you're in public remember that it is not just your health that you need to be considerate of. I am sharing my story in hopes that it encourage others to be very careful and take care of themselves and their loved ones. By far this is the most painful entry I've had to do. 

And again my only wish for my birthday is a reset button for 2020. I hope somebody can tell me that this is all a dream, that this is just a prank, a very bad prank. I love you mom, everyday, it sucks to lose you at this time. 

Starting from today, my blog will be different.

Yesterday, I had a word with my partner and told her that I write best when in agony. To be honest I never thought of making this blog as a source of anyone’s information for self-help. I intended to use this blog as a tool to move on from my past / bad experiences. This is my ranting space. I own this. I love reading it and writing on it. 

This blog helped me release my inner beast whenever I felt I had to speak up or when I forgot to speak during an incident. I even wrote my coming out post in this blog.

Anyhow, I would like to refurbish and reintroduce my blog, this blog, akosiberts, by making it as a daily/weekly/monthly “experience” with a reflection to be more positive in any situation. This blog will not be biblical, as I do not want to tackle any religious beliefs that might contradict any situation. Partly I am not really religious, but more of spiritual. Although, I may put some biblical verses occasionally.

To wrap this up. I do hope you can relate to my future posts and learn from it wherever you may be.J

#happykidfromsharjah

PIKON AKO. NAPIPIKON NA AKO.

May nakapag sabi sa akin na ang pinapatupad ng Phil Health ay maikukumpara sa isang robbery in broad daylight. Gusto kong magalit dahil ang dating contribution na PHP 2,400 kada taon ay ngayong magiging 3% ng iyong monthly basic salary. 

Nung kinocompute ko ang halagang babayaren ko aabot siya ng PHP21600 at nabasa ko pa na tumataas annually ang mandatory payment na ito. Ayoko na mag compute dahil may binabayaran pa nga akong property.

Gusto kong maging optimistic lalo na sa nangyayare ngayon. Dahil ang iba nating kababayan ay kasalukuyang NO WORK / NO PAY NGAYON. Ang iba pa nga ay nangangailangan talaga ng ayuda. 

Speaking of AYUDA, wala kaming natanggap. Kami pa naman ang modern day hero ika nga ng bansa, kami pa ung less priority. Anyhow. Grateful pa din ako kasi ung kumpanya ko ok pa sa ngayon at ay ipon ako kahit papaano. 

Pero sige, anu nga ba mapapala namen sa mandatory contribution??? 

Mabuti yung mga employed sa Pilipinas hati ang empleyado at employer sa contribution.

Samantalang kaming OFW papasanin mong mag isa. Sa isip ko lang, bakit ko ipapasan ang hospital bills ng mga pasyenteng hindi naman nagcocontribute sa pondo? tska bakit sila nakakaboto! dapat talaga tax payers lang nakakaboto dibaaaa??!  

Isa pa, kaming mga OFW hindi naman nakikinabang sa Philhealth dahil wala naman KAMI JAN! 

HALLER! Bakit ko babayaran ng Philhealth magagamit ko ba dito yaaaaan?! Magagamit ko ba yan pag umuwe ako? ipprioritize ba kaming OFW jan??? WHAT! answer!!!

Pangalawa, meron naman akong health insurance dito! Fully comprehensive pa. Anhin ko yan???

Hay Phil health, Phil Govt. at this point gusto ko si Pangulong DU30 sumagot. 

Tatay Digs, Gatasan ba kami ng pondo? wag naman ganon. Gusto ko pa mag ka family, gusto ko pa mag ka anak.(Drama aside). 

Bakit di kayo gumawa ng ibang paraaan? bawasan ang pondo ng kanilang mga opisina para ipondo sa Philhealth. Bakit naipasa ang batas na yan na walang konsultasyon sa mga OFW???? 

Maganda sana ang layunin na ito, para gumanda ang Health Care system ng pinas, pero hindi maganda ang paraan ng pagkalap ng pondo.

Ang masaklap pa nito, iinteresan ang di mo nabayarang contribution at may penalty pa. Higit sa lahat di ka bibigyan ng OEC kung hindi ka nakabayad.

SO AYON? Bakit parang kasalanan namen??? 

nakakapikon. pikon ako, minsan nahihirapan nakong maging proud to be pinoy. 

Bbye Social Media

Sad and bothered to say that I have to let go of all of my social media accounts.

I guess for now, or in an indefinite time. I suppose I might open them occasionally. I will surely miss all of them.

The reasons for leaving would be the ff.

1. I have become addicted to them and finally decided to log out. Occupies my whole being kind of thing. 

2. As someone so dear to me told me that I have become an attention seeker using my "Social media platforms". It upsets me, 100%. Given the fact that my accounts wasnt even used to take advantage of anyone or flirt anyone or even contact an old flame. Jeez. Always, unruly and not fair judgement. btw. hurtful.

3. Deeply annoyed with tiktok posts lol

4. I have forgotten my priorities, like laundry, bills, cat food, groceries etc. #slightlysarcastic

5. it upsets me 😆 in so many ways...

So bye for now. 😣 people can still call me on my mobile 😆 ok im sociable enuf. ok yes. ugh.

Bitaw

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