Hanggang sa panaginip.

 Anu ba naman yan, hanggang sa panaginip.

Nariyan ka, mabuti sana kung maganda ang intensyon mo.

Ngunit hindi. Ninakawan mo pa ako sa panaginip ko. 

Dear Jake - My Open Letter

Dear Jake

First of all, I am sorry. I have judged you deliberately. I want to thank you for sharing us Charice Pempengco, her voice was amazing, I will never forget how amazed I was when she sang Lupang Hinirang in one of Manny Pacquiaos fight’s, grabe kilabot ko non. That’s a lot of great work and patience. I can’t imagine the hard ship she had endured. I re-call one time I was with a group of friends to watch ASAP. We saw her with a pink curler/roller, it was on her forehead. We were laughing at Charice on how cute and weird she was. She even said hello to us, I thought she was particularly eyeing on my ex that time. Funny. She sang Pyramid with Billy Joe that time. I don’t know if you’ll ever remember that for so many performances you have made.

A lot of times, you have been a topic of discussion, and majority was with our LGBTQI brothers and sisters. We thought of the things you could’ve considered before transitioning to Jake; the list goes on. I guess you are aware of them but you didn’t listen, to us. And it’s okay! Right! You are the captain of your own life. It’s your life!

But whilst watching your interview with Toni Gonzaga. I felt bad. I know how hurting it is to lie to yourself. To keep pushing on something you are not comfortable with. But look at you know, rising again. I wish I can be strong like you, and just like your song “if there's no pressure, there'll be no diamonds, So I don't mind it coming' my way, no I'm tired of putting out the fire, Freedom is all I desire, If there's no pressure, there'll be no diamonds, I know I will be a diamond, diamond, diamond, I know I will be a diamond, diamond, a diamond, oh”.

My real reason for pushing this blog is that we never really know if someone is hurting and is completely broken mentally and emotionally. So be kind. ALWAYS..

I salute you brother! Good job. I really like the song Diamond. I just want to say, that you may not know me personally, but you're one strong guy bro. Keep it going idol! I wish we can hang out turuan moko kumanta or just play ball. Just two ordinary human beings.  

 Labyu na rin bro! pakiss! 

/berting 

Belated Happy Independence DAY!

YOU,

To be honest, I don’t even think you are human enough to understand the word “back off”. 

You are so pathetic, you took all you can take and left. I have no kind words for you. 

Stop calling my friends, stop thinking they are your friends too. I don’t want to hear from you.

I don’t know you. I will never find time to know you.

Write about it

Ito na siguro ung pinaka BIG break na sinasabi ng lahat. Pero somewhere, in the middle of my heart, where I always feel like there is a huge hole that nobody can fill. I can only think of my sweet, loving and adorable Mom. 

I miss you MOM! I did it again! I see you smiling at me.Hayyy...

-----

Dear MOM,

Things are going well, I met someone, she is so nice, she takes good care of me and I take care of her too. She's tall, but I don't really care. I didn't expect to fall for her. But I did, I love her. Sayang, sana na-meet mo siya, I bet parehas kayong ma papa-tiktok, She is fun. She is way better than the rest. She loves me at my worst and only sees me as a priority. She has huge respect to you, even if hindi ka niya nakilala and that's really important yung may respect sa isa't isa and she's really into girls. Sana siya na Mommy, sana siya na life partner ko. Just that the damage from my previous lovers are affecting me, pero I hope she stays with me. She makes me happy. 

Mom, I live on my own now. I am paying rent, bills, bills, and I bought my dream car! I wish you were here when I took the car from Mazda showroom, ang saya ko, mas masaya siguro ako kung kasama ka, kayo ni gf nung gabing yon. I wish you were here. 

Work these days are overwhelming, I get to think of you more often. My FB memories points to movie dates with you. How I miss how you lift me up when I feel weak. You are such a happy pill Mom, you make things okay. I hope I made you proud up there. After all the breakdowns with you, Mom I got promotion again! Hehe... Ito na yung sinasabi mong, magaling ako. Yes! Finally naramdaman ko na naman siya. Thanks MOM! I will survive! I love you every day! please guide me always. 

Jul

Psalm 23

 

I was grade one, 7 years old. Our class adviser/teacher was MS. Josephine. She asked us to memorize this bible verse as a recitation in our GMRC Class(Good Moral and Right Conduct). It was Psalms 23.

 

I honestly forgot to memorize this verse over that one weekend, was left usually biking or just plainly watching TV. Just like any normal kid would do in the 90s. I wasn’t bad at school, I wasn’t really good either. I was cool at school. I flunk, I fail a lot, I get 100% often times, I get to be on top sometimes, and I pass with or without flying colors. I was a happy kid. 

MS Josephine started calling my classmates one by one, alphabetically in order. I was really nervous. I do not know any single line. I don’t even have a bible to start with, until now wala akong bible(parinig to anyone please buy me LOL).

Luckily, my last name was V and I was always last in recitations. I re-called listening to my classmates recite the verse, I was panicking while writing what they were saying, and at the same time I was memorizing what they said. I was imagining myself as if I was about to go on an audition. Then I was called. Drum rolls. Action!

I was able to recite the verse and I am proud to be able to face that KIND of resilience at a very young age. I am quite sure I was able to pull off a show. Besides, the show must go on even though I stuttered.

The objective was not to cry in front of my classmates or even be kulelat. 

Hence, talking about resilience, at this time. I have been fighting with my anxiety. I have no choice to ignore it. I battle a huge paranoia in my head, and nobody seems to understand the consistent war inside my head. But then I remember my younger days, I was standing in front of class.

“As I walk to the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil, for you are with me….”

thanks teach Josephine, pero dko na siya kabisa.. haha. 

#fightinganxiety #memories

Bed.

I lied in bed, stared at the ceiling for awhile.

This cold weather suddenly made me sad. 

I moved my fingers underneath the blanket 

and close my eyes. 

I was trying to imagine her hand in mine, 

Instead I closed my hand on a pill, 

A pill, that draw me into a deep sleep. 

“Kaya mo yan”....

#fightinganxiety

Written: January 25 2021

FU all.

The best and smartest thing I have been doing is to protect myself. Protect myself from the people who abused my kindness. I have learned a lot last year, and I can’t keep making the same mistakes. If I let you all into my life again and show how naïve and foolish I am, I will shut you all off, cause no one can fucking hurt me all over again.

I don’t regret everything about everyone. But I do regret a lot of moments with all of you. I know there were times I was loved by all of you, but it was just for a second. It wasn’t worth it.

So, today, don’t go chasing me with an apology. You won’t hear anything from me. I am already working on forgiving myself. I’m not forgiving at the moment because you all weren’t nearly as guilty as I am. I was the one who let you all in my life and I was the one who bought all of your bullshit stories. That’s why I’m forgiving myself and not any single of you, ever.