Please, self, always decide to be happy.

*cue in music*

Happy - Pharrel Williams

Sometimes happiness scares me. Being happy would always reciprocate a slight sense of panic, wherein you get yourself to thinking “watch out, July, Happiness will last until a certain time, and there won’t be enough for tomorrow”.

Lately, I feel happiness from within, but I can’t stop and wonder how long this feeling is going to stick around. I always hope it doesn’t stop and the best way to feel happy is to 

stop overthinking. 

Because I still struggle with this a lot, I love being happy, but I also don’t want to feel happy, because I am scared of not always feeling happy. 

Like most people, we all do have happy and sad moments. My heart is constantly hesitating, wallowing everything if things are even worth my time. Maybe, because I am scared of being hurt by the same people who least I expect the most to hurt me. Maybe I just need to reflect more and allow myself to feel happy, I will decide to be happy, because I have roof, I had breakfast, lunch and dinner, I have good friends, a good bed, a partner to be with in bed, I finished college, I have great family, I have a job, I have great colleagues.

So I will push my doubts aside for a while, I will forget all of the “what if’s” and “buts”, and let happiness flow in me, and today is going to be amazing. I deserve to be happy. J

Trivia for today.
CHEROPHOBIA - is the fear of being happy.

Imbecile of the highest kind

*warning - this entry has a lot of violent and foul content. This post ain't for the thin skinned.

---

Dear Imbecile,

First of all fuck you for even thinking that I am insecure to you. I have raised my bar high enough to ignore your existence. I have respected you, and warned you, but you cant seem to get your hands off my boundary. AND If I see your fucking existence, again, in my plans, I will make your life fucking miserable.

Fuck you for trying to ruin my relationship and fuck you we do not need you in our lives, fuck your existence and fuck your life. You fucking disgust me! You have no advantage to my credentials, achievements and my family background. You are tasteless and good for nothing son of a bitch!

You are lucky god has given you an opportunity to be in this amazing place! You are no good in this society and fucking imbeciles like you don't even DESERVE to breathe first class air!

PUTANG INA MO HAYUP KANG HITAD KA!
*breathes - that felt good.

Go Fuck yourself.

- Robert Urdaneta

Losing the Love for the Game

I think I am having the mini-crisis moment again in deliberating whether to go back in the sport I have played for the past 11 years. Basketball. Losing my love for this game started way back 2008. I found myself lying on a rehabilitation bed in Medical City Ortigas, getting my right knee repaired, I mean fixed. I had a nasty push from another player and I forgot which team and name of the player who pushed me. I just wanted to get over the angst of going back and fort for sports rehab and walk straight. 

On average, my enthusiasm dwindles about once a season, but it always come back. Wondering if this time it would be different. Can I still run like I used to? Can I still see open plays? Be a Point Guard, shoot 3 points. It all went gone. Zilch, the skills, the dribbling, the nasty passes.

The highlight of my time was during high school, I can recall how I saw my Dad supported me. He watched and cheered from a far. He saw the peak of my basketball career. 

Until college hoops, came, I was able to get through, I had a chance to play for MC. I’ve lost my head a thousand times on the court, and what’s more funny is that I hated my team mates, mainly for reasons that I don’t give a damn. I just wanted to play, I have experienced feeling alienated and always proving myself that I am a great team mate. I walked around and played half-heartedly. Sometimes I feel over animated. I wasn't given the same opportunity in college hoops, I didn't have the chance to play and enjoy. I was a 2nd stringer or the last minute player in 4th quarter. 

I'd like to think that I didn't have the attitude problem, and they all have inferiority complex. Beyond that, training season back then was enough to ruin my day, seeing my team mates hoard for the ball, and intentionally bullies you inside your home court. It was a dreadful experience fighting for acceptance. 

It was pathetic. Stupid. But I never lost my cool, maybe I was just physically incapable of playing for fun that time, and college hoops was indeed stressful. Until I got hurt, badly injured, 

I am a silent competitive person, I am pretty serious and sometimes I struggle. Because I hate losing and I hate being under performing. But at my age, I find myself as a mediocre player. And it is totally fine, because I do not have any ambition to make it a career. Well I used to think I could make a career out of it. 

Hanging up my basketball shoes, I've done this a couple of times already. I am playing now for fun, I don't practice and I don't even want to play for more than 5 mins on court. As much as I love the sport, I refuse to give all my time on it. I know in a way quitting would be averting and working my way back would be a complete hiatus. But it seems to be a healthy compromise. I just don't care. Let's have fun! 

It is not about losing.

I can only think about the major differences that we have, It may seem like we are always in a whirl wind romance all the time, but tell you what, we have fought so hard these past few days. And I would say, we almost lost it and we might lose it, I guess we have reached comfortable zone. This is were I am bad at.

Woke up with a headache, mainly because I had trouble sleeping. Her words haunting me, as I demanded for an apology, she said she would not give. Eventually, maybe. My mind set has been programmed to accept that she has her own reasons to validate the bad words she let her mouth when she was mad. And to be able to function properly, I pretended she said sorry, by staring at her. I needed to think that way, I am not a masochist, being the emotional and sensitive me, I needed to move on from that big fight. I just need to let it go and shake it off.

I have stripped the sticky notes on the walls of our room. I was giving up on her that time. It got me thinking that I could just be again the best tita and daughter our family could ever had. I was also thinking and hoping she would ask or initiate putting it back together, but to date, she doesn't seem to care about it, maybe expectations really spoils every relationship. But isn't it normal to expect from your partner?

We clearly have issues coming in and out, but we are still together. I am doing my best to compromise, even though she keeps telling me that I keep on doing what hurts her. That clearly I don't get to see her grudges. To be honest, I dont know.

What does that mean?

I guess in every relationship, doubts can come in between. It is so hard to sacrifice things for someone so dear to you just to keep a relationship. But clearly, compromise isn't about losing, it is deciding that this person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do. No relationship is perfect, I am a perfectionist, she maybe not. There are ways to bend, we will always find ways to work out, because at the end of the day, it is better to bend than to break a relationship.

We find ways. I will find a way. I will not regret this post. She will be my wife.

I love her.

Materialism Day

To be materialistic.

A few years back, back when I was HS, and nokia phones were the trend. I friend asked me, what is the model of your phone? why this phone? responded by saying.

“Why not, it still runs, I can txt and call. why not?"

During that time phones without antennas are cool as aff. My friend’s face suddenly went into a full a*&@^!* mode.

My friend purchased her phone I guess mainly for the gain of her status symbol. Technically her dad bought it pala that time. To her, the model of your phone and if it had a camera is meant to signify its owners’ high social and economic standing. Gee fine yours doesnt have an antenna.

For me, during that time my phone is an object to connect me from my dad who picks me up at school. My 5310 rocks!

I inherited that phone from my sistah.

See, I have nothing against people buying and purchasing handbags, shoes, cars, Rolex, and iPhones.

After all, people have every right to use their hard earned money. Parent's ehem.

But sometimes, it is too much. Lalo na ung mga kabayan dito. I once read in Atty Barney's book - Andito ka sa ibang bansa para mag ipon hindi mag iphone.

People are so hooked up with material things, working long hours to attain that, and still end up being miserable. I still own an s7 edge phone, the new model now is s10. I am 3 models away and I dont care because my phone is still working.

What people don’t know is that Materialism is a system that eats people from the inside out.These people define their value in terms of the objects that they own. They get stuck in a never-ending comparison. They crave external appreciation and wait to be noticed by others.

I face people from different walks of life, and believe me, I can sense those people who are “Materialistic” a mile away. One more thing, do not spend more than what you earn.

It’s a shame to see people living that way. Some of them are close friends and relatives of mine.

Point is. if you find yourself reading this entry. If you can afford it. Why not. Edi wow.

Not Everyone You Lose is a Loss

Well hello Berts, this is my first post in 2019.

I thought of writing an entry while my partner is studying her RBT course online, at the moment we are in Aloft DCC. We just had our dinner here in Han Shi Fu, the food is amazing by the way, I think they are far better than PF Changs(which is overpriced now). I think I am already drunk, tonight is ladies night!

Anyhow, I have been dying to write these past few days, because writing helps me vent and release tension. Oh Yes, I was in tension this evening due to work. Ugh I just can't wait to be a business owner, so tired of being a corporate slave. So there's this video my partner showed me, that not everyone you lose is a loss. My thoughts. Ok. I will write about it soon. And that soon, went on and on and on until today is April 3rd.

......................There will always be 2 sides of a story. 10:27PM.

When I faced 2018, I already set my mind to positivity, I already accepted that life is not fair. Life will hit you hard, but you have to stand up and learn from each fall you had. I carry no grudge, really, because after all the betrayal and karmas, I found the love that chooses me and only me.

It took a lot of reflection, self pity, patience and love. But the best thing I have learned was never hate anyone.The world is already filled with hatred and I could never be one bitter semi lad who can only think of what ifs. Let's all move on, be happy, forgiving and loving.

About the video, well I am very thankful to all the people who took the courage to ghost me in the middle of a crash and burn situation.

A lesson and a scar. I don't even think it is a grueling task to think if I was worth the time. It is pointless. We have to grow up and move forward. Come to think of it?

Things change. People Change. Circumstances change.

Let's cut those old loose ties, cut all the memories, because sticking together won't do good anymore. Leave, save yourself, don't look back, there's nothing more hurtful to save yourself. This is where we are good at, run away, because being self fish is very easy? right?

Always writing a story in my HEAD

I did a creative job on practicing my writing skills. Unfortunately I cannot divulge it yet. But this is extremely exciting. Because this is unusual. :) I will be working on this idea for a year and I promise not to tell anyone even my gf.

Anyhow, yes my blog will no longer be a series of emotional blabbers and rants. I am so happy right now and I believe I deserve this kind of love. I am not sure if my gf is reading this, but if you are, I love you! Sorry about this project that I cannot tell yet. Someday youll be able to read it, and you will be the first one to read my story. Our story.

this one is for you.


My Soulmate

I understand why it didn't work out with anybody else
You walked into my life
Like I already know you
You took down my high walls
and lit my soul on fire

Those eyes
Those smile
The way you talk
How you deal with things
You're too perfect for me?

You are my dream come true
I am so blessed that we have finally met
Thank you for blessing me with you
Thank you for dreaming with me - and seeing me in your future

I will spend my life caring, loving & respecting you
Showing you everyday that I hold you as high as the stars
I don't ever want to be without you
You are mine and I am all yours

07-03-2018