5/10/12

2012

You are such a year.

4/9/12

Hello SG!

Just arrived here at my sister's apartment, ang kalat! haha! Kadiri may cup and tea paa! eww ka sister! :p First time kong mag MRT from Airport to Ate's place. Adventureness mats!

Next week Ill be in Thailand with Super Junyor Des! hayaa! too much gastos to think unemployed ako. Well sorry pinagpala e lol. chos sorry!

While here at SG, makakapag esep esep ako what to do with my life, to give you an idea, way back 5 years ago I planned to come out pag may 100k na ako sa bank account ko, that way kahit I disown ako, with or without a GF beside me, I have money to move on, pero I was sure my Parents and sister could not possibly disown me. Too much drama yata on TVs. Haha!

Anu nga ba ang gusto ko? FYI ang sarap lang mag type sa PC ni ate. wuhooo!

Sa ngayon, ang aking puso ay nasasaktan sa pinanood kong pelikula kahapon. Hunger Games, napaka bayolenteng mga bata naman. Naisip ko pano kung ako kinuha! OHA! kaloka naman....

Pangalawa, gusto ko yata mag ka anak, pero ayaw ko jumuba, ayaw ko mag ka anestisya katawan ko, sabi ng iba kong friend pag nalagyan ka na nag anestisya hahaha topak ka na forever! e masakit naman daw kung walang anestisya. GOOD LUCK JUL! paano ako mag kaka anak hate na hate ko ang mga lalake. lol

Pangatlo, I want to join a lesbian activism group. I am sick of hearing teenage lesbian couples na na kikick out sa school for loving their lerlers. At the same time, mag lecture na rin sa mga mag lerlers na wag naman sa school mag landian. NAMAN. I am sick of being teased, and people who are really scared to go out!

Pang apat, ewan ko. inaantok na ako!

Happy to be out ang proud! :) ohh yeah!

4/5/12

Another Thai Addiction


Last week me and my friend(Des - Junyor) descography.wordpress.com was doin a little research on Yes or No artists. Shempre nag hahanda kami kasi were going to their mini concert and we are already anticipating na wala talaga kaming maiintindihan.

Then we were talking about Due Arisara, the girl who was dead na deads kay Tina Supannad on the movie, Due Arisara or Jane in the movie was ZEE Matanawan Keenan's real ife ex gf. Zee btw is a girl! Oo tomboy siya! napatiklop ako. She looks like a man already at mas naggwapuhan ako sa kanya keysa kay Mario Maurer. I envy her because as per her interviews, I hope its true that she doesn't take shots for her to look like a man, and in Thailand its ok to be gay. OK! She's a very popular thai singer too. And everything she is right now is my frustration, ahaha I wanna be a singer too! lol Compare her to Aiza Seguerra, well.. siyang tunay na!

I am currently addicted to her song Have You Ever Really Loved Me?- check this link for your reference. ENJOY!

This other song made me cry pala, Ruk Mai Tao Kao Jai (Love Doesn’t Equal Understanding) check this link. :( See my ex gf broke up with me kasi she told me she wanted to get married. Still. OO pwede ko naman siya pakasalan e, pero definitely not here and she should have the courage din sana. Well this MTV, unfortunately, the girl chose the boy.

Hay, freedom to love gay people!

FIGHT!

4/3/12

To Cut My Hair or Not

1 I love cutting my hair short, some say I look happy and free. Puge minsan lol. Ikr! No need to comb my hair! Yes tamad ako mag suklay. I prefer the after bed look. Usually when my hair reaches my nape I go to profiles salon in katipunan and have my hair cut by Sonny. Btw, he's my favorite hair stylist! ;)) I dont care if he's gay or not! He's really good! The thing here is I love it when my hair is short but on the other hand men or stupid boys are 80% homophobic(IMO- in my opinion) they tend to be mean with us lgbt people. They are stupid insecure human beings, I dont even consider them as humans sometimes lol. Why cant men be open minded? Why? Ohh oonga pala! Men are extra nice with me lalo mna pag naka pony tail ako. Lol. Pakshit naman kasi ang init.

2 I am not super butch. I am not too tomboy sometimes. Honestly! Depende talaga sa mood ko kaya nahirapan din ako mag out. Lol.

3 Sad to say that when I was an Account Executive,(short hair) I used to wear a ring on my left hand so that my clients know/feel that I am married. That way it eliminates the thought that this sales person is a lesbow. Majority of my clients were male. Alpha stupid male. I had a few female clients back then, they usually think that I am just plain childish. Well whatever!

4 Then again, now that I am out of the closet I am still afraid to get bullied, to get unwanted opinions about how I look.

5 May 5, my sisters wedding, my sister said its ok to cut my hair. Supporting that wedding I have this friggin "sagala" or flores the achuchuchu on mid May at Paete. Lol. Mayhem!

6 I want my hair short but I might look too tomboy! Lol

7 Ill be in Thailand on April 29, to watch Yes or No Concert. Meet and greet Aom and Tina. I really want my hair cut so that Maybe just maybe I could be Aom's international lover lol pwede mangarap diba?? I want my hair short!

8 I want my hair short but my friends parents might hate or be irritated at me. Some of the oldies or the tanders bracket are not that liberal. I am so afraid for their comments. I remember when a friend's father told me once. "ikaw sana papaligawan ko sa anak ko e, ttomboy tomboy lang".
Soooooo what mas pogi ako sa anak niyo!!! Lol

9 Another friend of mine who was very christian, his father wanted to asked me if i am a tomboy, I can see it in his eyes he wanted to say impolite words. I dont hate christian/bornagain people pero ito lang dasal kayo ng dasal jan ng 5 oras e ansasama naman ng ugali mga chismosa mapanlait pa! Wait lang did God told you or gave you the right to hurt us lgbt people? Do you have the authority to just be inappropriate??? Naiinis lang ako. Keber na dapat ako kung keber, pero sino ka para magbasa ng bibliya sa harap ko. Kala mo naman kabait. Lech! Wag niu ko isali sa alive alive na yan! Pistingyawa! Ok na hb ako.... Respeto yun lang.

10 I want to be a business owner. Coffee shop, pero natatakot ako na baka walang bumili saakin kasi ganto ako.

Alam ko dapat hindi ko na ito iniisip. Alam ko hindi ko na dapat hinihimay pa ang lahat. Realization I am still afraid!
But I will come out strong. I am a strong person!

So eto na. Gusto ko talaga mag pagupit. Haharapin ko ang hagupit! Naks. Sorry malupit! Lol! Mabuhok mong armpit! Weh! Lol

3/28/12

Closure



Had the saddest closure with my ex yesterday, I didn't expect na pupunta siya sa bahay while I was sleeping on our couch mga 4 or 5pm yata un. May sakit kasi talaga ako, nagulat lang ako kasi she works for 10hours sa office and there she was beside me, crying, maga rin eyes. Parang sinuntok ni Manny Pacquiao!

Ang haba ng hair ko, pag gising ko anjan na siya.

I guess hindi naman masama mag makaawa pag mahal mo yung tao na bumalik sayo after niya mag pa ka ass-traunot(sorry sa spelling lol). I had this feeling na hindi na siya babalik, masakit talaga isipin. Kasi this time na-explain niya ng maayos. I am happy kasi nasabi na niya, at the same time ang unfair kasi sinasamahan pa niya ako. Sasamahan daw niya ako til dumating si Teng(yaya ko).

She said I can love anyone and don't wait for her kung may dumating, pero mageselos daw siya. She just needed answers, she said I was her best friend, she loves me kasi tomboy daw ako, that I was the best tomboy ever, hindi daw kami tatagal kung hindi niya ako mahal, wala daw siyang iba, wala pa I guess. She said things about us that I couldn't Imagine doing without her. I wanted her out of our house, pero I begged her to stay.

Bakit hindi ko daw siya nirereplayan. Hindi ko sinasagot tawag niya.

Eto lang naman ang tamang sagot.

.............kasi ang sakit talaga.


Ang ganda mo talaga, Pag balik mo hindi ka na siguro bonjing, gorgeous ka na.

Pag bumalik ka, hindi ka na mag babayad ng bill, swear hindi na kkb, ako na lang.

Pag bumalik ka hindi ka na mapapahiya sa officemates mo kasi long hair na ulit ako, may color na hair ko, naka pearls na ako palagi.

Pag bumalik ka, pagandahan tayo ng LV, Gucci, at Long Champ.

Pag bumalik ka hindi ka na iiyak, iiyak sa tawa oo.

Pag bumalik ka hindi na kita uutusan, hindi ako mag dedemand kasi madami na akong julalay nun, secretary pa.

Pag bumalik ka marami na tayong conjugal property, bahay, lupa, business, name it, its ours.

Pag bumalik ka hindi na tayo tutungo kahit kanino, pag balik mo your goin to be proud of me.

Pag bumalik ka tomboy pa rin ako na nag mamahal sayo, kahit may anak ka na nun mahal pa rin kita.

Kahit sobrang talo ako, ok lang, maiintindihan ko.

Mahal na mahal kita. Alam mo yun. Ang sakit kasi talaga. Pero salamat sa closure.

Balik ka please.

3/26/12

Sana

Sana hindi na lang ako. Line running in my head. Heart aching, its difficult to breath. I know I can make it on my own, its just so hurting to know that I could not be the one next to anyone after years. Don't worry. Ill be fine.

Mommy wag ka na magalit kay Daddy, daddy kasi sinungaling siya. Ako din kasi sinungaling. Tomboy ako dati pa. Sana hindi na lang diba? I am so sorry mommy if you are disappointed. I tried not to, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Nasasayangan ka na ba saakin? Sayang ba ako? Galit ka ba? Ayaw mo na ba akong makita? Aalagaan na lang kita, kayo ni daddy, kahit naririndi ako sa away niyo. I am so sorry tomboy kasi ako. Pero sana mahalin mo pa rin ako kahit ganto ako.

Daddy, sorry tomboy ako. Sorry kung naiinis ako sayo, sobra kasi kitang Idol. Hindi ko kasi matanggap na ang unang lalaking minahal ko niloko kami nila ate at mommy. Sana magpaka lalaki ka naman. Pwede naman mag sorry. Sorry kung mapapahiya ka sa mga kapwa mo engineer, architech sa mga kumpare mo na nagagandahan sakin pero paparinggan ako na maganda nga tomboy naman ako. sorry talaga, pero bakit mo ako hinahayaan masaktan nila? babae kasi ako dad e, yung ang problema, hindi ako junyor mo. Sorry hindi ako nag architecture panget kasi ako magsulat. Hindi ko kaya stress mo, galing mo mura murahin si muktar naaalala ko pa un. Sana lalaki na lang ako, para ok lang ang lahat ano? ok lang mag sinungaling, mambabae, bumagsak, manigarilyo, mag pa tattoo, maging mataba at pwedeng hindi na mag sorry. Sorry kung nafeefeel mo na ikaw na lang palagi ang nagbibgay, pero sana maisip mo tatay ka e. responsibilidad mo kami. sorry pag nilalaet ka namin minsan ni ate pero sana naisip mo, pamilya mo kami at nasasaktan kami dahil hindi mo kami pinapahalagahan. Tulad nitong bahay? sana dati pang maayos. kung hindi pa sinabi ni ate na mamamanhikan sia kuya rain hindi mo pa papipinturahan. sana dati mo pa pinunturahan para wala nang repair repair. wala nang patchi patchi. Maayos - tapos. Verangaling tayo e!

Sana hindi na lang ako tomboy Mommy at Daddy. Mabibigyan ko pa kayo ng mga apo. Pero ito proud ako sa sarili ko mommy at daddy, kasi hindi kami naging dalagang ina ni ate. Daddy you be proud of mommy, she was with us since we were kids. I hope we could go back at sana pinili mo dad na mag stay dito with us. I used to believe in Long Distance Relationship, you've come so far to leave it all behind. From voice tapes to facebook. Here we are lost in love. Family turned nothing. Its so hurting. Frustrating.

Ate, mahal na mahal kita. Salamat sa supporta sa kaartehan ko, kalabuan, pasensya. Ikaw yung ate na sobrang baet, ayaw ko ng kuya, gusto ko ate ko. Mga lalaki kasi sabi ko nga delayed ng 5 years. Sorry kung ganto ako ah? Sorry kung mas may attention ako kay mommy, bunso kasi ako. Kung Idol ko si Daddy mas Idol kita e. Ikakasal ka na din pala, sobra akong naiingit sana maging maayos ang pagiging mag asawa ninyo ni kuya rain. Makikinig ka sakanya ha? mag uusap kayo wag mo siyang tutulugan pag inis na inis ka na. Wag mo gayahin sila mommy at daddy. Love is unconditional ika nga. Ang swerte swerte mo hindi ka tomboy. Magiging maayos buhay mo, sana straight din ako tulad mo. Sorry sana hindi ako tomboy.

Sa lahat ng kapamilya. tomboy po ako. Sorry sa pag papanggap sorry sa pagsskirt on ocassions kasi ayaw kong mapunang tomboy ako. Sorry sa make up. Sorry sa pagirly voice. Sorry.

Ikaw mahal na mahal kita, gusto ko masunod mo gusto mo. Ayaw ko maging hindrance sa gusto mo. Sorry kung demanding ako, sorry kung tinulugan kita, kung napapahiya ka sa officemates mo, sorry talaga, mahal na mahal kita alam mo yun. Ikaw yung unang nagpahalaga ng talents ko, u raised me up when I am so down. You helped me grow, live and be happy. Thank you for having the courage to tell me whats bothering you. You are so kind, beautiful, smart, reliable, efficient.... you deserve a man, not me. hindi ako lalake, tomboy ako. sorry tomboy ako. sorry sorry mahal kasi kita. Wag mo ko mahalin ulit kasi naawa ka, hindi mo deserve masaktan. mahal kita, gusto ko happy ka.

Sa mga kaibigan ko salamat kasi natanggap niyo ako. Tanggap niyo na ayaw ko sa lalaki. Tanggap niyo ko sa ugali kong demanding, manhid, incensitive. Sorry tomboy ako.

Sinubukan kong maging hindi. Pero sorry talaga.

Sa mga lalaki na pilit akong ginagawang babae. Sorry talaga hindi ko kaya mag mahal ng tulad ninyo. Tigilan niyo na ako. Sorry masakit sa mata ninyo, sorry kung naiinsulto kayo kasi maganda naging gf ko at wala kayong gf. Sorry ang ganda ko kasing tomboy. Sorry mas gwapo ako sainyo.

Sa mga tomboy at baklang insecure. sister at bro? anu ba? kabaro ninyo ako bakit kayo naiinis? Wag naman ganun. Isa lang ang pinaglalaban natin at yun ay ang mag mahal ng malaya.

Sana hindi ako tomboy, sana hindi ganito kasakit. Sana matanggap ako, ang unfair ng world. Sana in time wala nang masasaktan na bakla or tomboy. Sana wala nang suicidal na tomboy at bakla. Sana pwede rin ako ikasal, mabuntis ng babae. Sana hindi na ako mainis sa mga lalake. Sana hindi ako mag ka cervical cancer. Sana wala na akong marinig na sayang ako. Sana makapag lakad ang mga tomboy at bakla sa altar ng catholic church kasama partner nila. Sana hindi na kami kainisan para wala nang nagatago at nasasaktan. I am so sorry, tomboy kasi ako sa kilos sa salita at sa gawa.