Psalm 23

 

I was grade one, 7 years old. Our class adviser/teacher was MS. Josephine. She asked us to memorize this bible verse as a recitation in our GMRC Class(Good Moral and Right Conduct). It was Psalms 23.

 

I honestly forgot to memorize this verse over that one weekend, was left usually biking or just plainly watching TV. Just like any normal kid would do in the 90s. I wasn’t bad at school, I wasn’t really good either. I was cool at school. I flunk, I fail a lot, I get 100% often times, I get to be on top sometimes, and I pass with or without flying colors. I was a happy kid. 

MS Josephine started calling my classmates one by one, alphabetically in order. I was really nervous. I do not know any single line. I don’t even have a bible to start with, until now wala akong bible(parinig to anyone please buy me LOL).

Luckily, my last name was V and I was always last in recitations. I re-called listening to my classmates recite the verse, I was panicking while writing what they were saying, and at the same time I was memorizing what they said. I was imagining myself as if I was about to go on an audition. Then I was called. Drum rolls. Action!

I was able to recite the verse and I am proud to be able to face that KIND of resilience at a very young age. I am quite sure I was able to pull off a show. Besides, the show must go on even though I stuttered.

The objective was not to cry in front of my classmates or even be kulelat. 

Hence, talking about resilience, at this time. I have been fighting with my anxiety. I have no choice to ignore it. I battle a huge paranoia in my head, and nobody seems to understand the consistent war inside my head. But then I remember my younger days, I was standing in front of class.

“As I walk to the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil, for you are with me….”

thanks teach Josephine, pero dko na siya kabisa.. haha. 

#fightinganxiety #memories

Bed.

I lied in bed, stared at the ceiling for awhile.

This cold weather suddenly made me sad. 

I moved my fingers underneath the blanket 

and close my eyes. 

I was trying to imagine her hand in mine, 

Instead I closed my hand on a pill, 

A pill, that draw me into a deep sleep. 

“Kaya mo yan”....

#fightinganxiety

Written: January 25 2021

FU all.

The best and smartest thing I have been doing is to protect myself. Protect myself from the people who abused my kindness. I have learned a lot last year, and I can’t keep making the same mistakes. If I let you all into my life again and show how naïve and foolish I am, I will shut you all off, cause no one can fucking hurt me all over again.

I don’t regret everything about everyone. But I do regret a lot of moments with all of you. I know there were times I was loved by all of you, but it was just for a second. It wasn’t worth it.

So, today, don’t go chasing me with an apology. You won’t hear anything from me. I am already working on forgiving myself. I’m not forgiving at the moment because you all weren’t nearly as guilty as I am. I was the one who let you all in my life and I was the one who bought all of your bullshit stories. That’s why I’m forgiving myself and not any single of you, ever.