I miss you.

I try not to.

But I can still remember how we first met. It has been 6 years since we broke up. It was a bad ending. I intentionally planned it. Mainly because I want to let you go.  I thought there was no way out but to embrace the bad image. But I know you know, I did not mean to do that.

As people witnessed our love. It was unusual. It was unexpected.

We did a lot of things together, like getting free lunch. With limited allowances we had, we were happy. Happy looking at each others notes, checking out bad grammars and playing pet society - was at a hype back then.

Our relationship was almost perfect until we have hit rock bottom. I know we have different chapters in our life now, we have live separately for more than a year.

But, I really wanna say that I miss you. Rather I miss being your friend.

I know we haven't seen each other, that I want you to know that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I want you to know that, damn it I miss you. I used to regret what happened. But there are times that I wish to be your friend again, I wanna see you again. Will you be able to look me in the eye?

Although it still bothers me that someone I know so well have become a total stranger to me now. Part of me wants to hold you again. But its over, you're married now.

You and I didn't need any reasons to fall in love. It just happened. We just did. Our similarities was too great, we had a little world of our own.

Until we both changed. I know, this is wrong. But I miss you. I still get to think of you sometimes.
I know, you found a love that all the things ours couldn't be.

I miss you, I try and try not to.

Malungkot

Malungkot ako, pero hindi ko pwede sabihin sayo.
May gusto akong sabihin pero hindi ko masabi dahil pag nagsalita ako ung problema ko nagiging ikaw pag kausap kita. Nadodoble ang sama ng loob ko. Malungkot, wala ka.  Anu na.

Kapagod.

08/10/17

Thoughts. This Christmas.

Hurt the one who loves you?
Unintentionally hurting the one you love?
Intentionally hurting the one you love?

Don't be a fool.

I think it is a different kind of Karma. Could be a bitter sweet karma

There will come a time that you hurt the one you love, that someone should not be hurt at all. Our weak hearts tend to take the sweetest, the easiest and the one we think we deserve. Still we always they break the kindest heart. Profound love always involves reciprocity.

You believed this person lacks the ability to love you the way you wanted to. Still we choose to love, We risk it all with a weak heart, we chose that unripe feelings. That lack longing weak, lonely heart. A lack of reciprocity-that is, the knowledge that the one you suddenly love does not really love you - is not fully committed, not constant, ideal yet it is painful and could be humiliating. Because being profound is a low blow to your self esteem. Unrequited love, or is it semi unrequited love? It drives you crazy. It involves lies, this person is both source of great happiness and deep sadness. They drag you but you find yourself, being naturally caring. Distracted. You feel so much pain and yet so be in love with the same person causing it. It's an infinite cycle. Addicting, Hurting stupidly hurting. But in love. You love this person, wholeheartedly. Whatever shit is going on you find your heart forgiving and loving this person all over again.


Unintentionally - Was it really great from the very start? was it just a beat that we couldn't resist?
"I don't mean to hurt you." What this is the line running in his/her head. This love maybe uncertain but it is real, both real. Whether it is a feeling or situation wise. Suddenly - the answered prayer isn't exactly what you wished for. It needs to be thought thrice not even twice. This love requires to be wise. Because you can never lose at all. You are not sure if you love them, one of them or even want them.

However maybe one of them can make you feel like home, but you know you can't reciprocate fully or truly. Mainly because this love is too selfish to choose. Maybe because this is not on the priority list. It is a safe alibi. Win or lose. But he or she did not love one of them. He or she was too good for his or her ego. Maybe on of them made him or her feel better in his or her miserable lonely life. This person did not love one of them. Because we don't destroy the people we love. Believe me. You can't fuck off someone you love.

Hurting our beloved one on purpose - this is a series of conflicting perspective. Such as short term and long term perspective. Hurting the loved one can be a last resort which takes to bring whoever can be  dependent, this is what you call the dependency proportion. Hurting the beloved expresses an opposite wish to their partner/husband/wife: the lover's wish for more dependency and attention. this is indeed a common complaint of married men and women. If the lover is strong enough, as the lover might wish to be, it must sustain this measure. And in this world of reciprocation and selfishness - the heart just want it all. This person is a brat - he/she grew up to have everything and not lose anything.

I do not want to have an Oscar for blogging this - I could even write a novel out of it. However hurting the one's beloved is frequent. We all get hurt - whether we choose to hurt the one who loves you, unintentionally hurting the one you love and intentionally hurting the one you love. Therefore love is indeed a serious mental illness. I hope everyone gets to find their sanity this christmas. This isn't my story to divulge. Just pure thoughts.

I love me.

2018 Bucket List

1.Be thinner – get my old weight(gotta work hard on this)
2.BR to push through
3.Invest a house in South area - Philippines
4.IELTS Passer
5.Acting  Class to push through
6.Get a car – RAV4
7.Be great in BBALL
8.Save more for your farm
9.Migrate to Australia the soonest
10.Read 2 books per month
11.Be extremely honest
12.Volunteer
13.Write short stories
14.Compile all your poems
15.Earn money thru blogging
16.Bake more cakes
17.Try to open a cake store
18.Practice premiere pro
19.Take more pictures and videos
20.Take Time to reflect

21.Train for SCB 10K marathon – break the old records

22.Save save save

23.Buy another laptop for editing

24.Photography and editing class

25.Join toastmasters

26.Change how I wear clothes – from lousy to bossy looking

27.Another promotion – Senior Officer

28.Learn Arabic and French

To be continued 

    











x

My thoughts on the remaining months/days of 2017

Hmm. In 10 months, I will be hitting 30. Turning 30 is a milestone in a woman's life. I say WOMAN! And while I am at 29 at this year, it doesn't really mean that I have everything figured out. There are still a lot of things I want to accomplish.

So I have set up these points to constantly remind myself that I am only human and to love yourself more.

1. Continuously set up a plan / milestones

I keep thinking that it's good to know that one has a direction. I know what I want and I know where I am heading. Career wise and money wise. I recently got a raise, a promotion from coordinator to officer level, and passing CPP(Certified Purchase Professional). So I think I am good. *Suddenly the ACs wind, blows a lil harder for a second. HAHA! Bleh.

If you do not know what you want out of life then it's gonna be hard to achieve it. Still take some time to figure things out. Don't limit yourself. Set up a bucket list even though change is very constant, it is good to have a plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. 

2. Life goes on - "That's part of growing up" - one of my favorite lines.
I say you don't always know yourself well in the late teen years or early 20s. This is a fact. I remember having a mock interview and I said I would be sitting in my own desk, establishing a cake shop in 5 years. There was also a time a wanted to land in an advertising post. Which I never did! and that's totally okay, let the waves help you land on what you deserve. It takes time to know who you are and what you stand for. What matters is, you are the captain of your own life. Plan, Work, Execute, Pray and get it! I do trust  the 5th P in Marketing. Prayer! :) Hope we all end up with what we really want in life. 

3.Maturity and let it go attitude

I really think at this age, where I am almost 30.  You'll be having a good grasp on your principles and beliefs in life. I have overcome hatred. Hate is such a strong word. It is relatively true that we all come to major revelations at different points in our lives. What other people think of you is none of your business, so do not compare your life to others. Be kind. I recently had an epiphany moment where I thought of letting go of the things I really love, you can't force love. If it is for you, then it is all yours. Then again, Happiness is a choice. 

4. Forgiveness
It doesn't matter who was right or wrong, just say sorry. I would like to try to make peace with my past so it won't disturb my present. Time heals almost everything, give it time. But on second thought, I'd rather forgive myself sometimes, because I deserve it.

5. Read More, Play More Basketball.
I targeted reading 1 book per month this year. I have failed on this, let me make it up to you 2018.
Basketball, trying to win back my skills in this game. I have really forgotten how to play. Gahh.. I have new injuries btw. WHOA!

So they say life begins at 30. Tick Tock Berting. Stop thinking too much - its alright not to know all the answers. They will come when you least expect it.

SMILE! Dirty 30 in 10 months. Jeezz...

...Uncertainties

My Berting, What is this?

So you are sad again. You are being pathetic and needy right now. I know what you are feeling right now and is not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of the sadness that overwhelms your entire body. This kind of sadness makes your head overheat. Please admit you are tired of being a life saver. 

Yes, dear, you can't even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams too. But you keep on fighting for the wrong side. I must say that the reason why we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great it won't happen twice.

You once said - In your hesitation, you found answer. 

This is what you have you have feared for, deliberately, losing control.

Focus Boy, for we all now, that happiness is a choice. YOU CHOOSE. 

 

Oh, that thing called Basketball.

I found myself looking down in distress. Gasping for air, as I try to fight back. I need to run or at least guard anyone from shooting. I couldn't focus like I used to. I wipe my face with my shirt's neckline

Have I really forgotten how to love you ? 

There was a time people me expected me to make a mistake and that mistake came that led me into injuries. Injuries that scared the hell out of me. Then I remember focusing on my academics instead of this game. But how do I bright back light to my glory days? Maybe I just need to be better.

Smarter not harder. Work hard.