9/18/19

LOreal.



I having a hard time, everyday, covering and licking my wounds, convincing myself that I am over the injustices that happened to me this year. I hate flashbacks of what ifs and what now. I am doing my best to ignore it, but I still end up blaming myself, and still living in doubt, continuously questioning myself was it all worth it??

To be honest, I am tired of being the bigger person. I am trying my best to mend bridges, choosing forgiveness and let go of the things that I can't handle. But now that I have nothing to prove. This is my conscience speaking, writing, that my reputation chooses kindness. I am choosing kindness because this is right, I refuse to be victim. Because wala akong ginagawang masama. Tagalog yan para magets agad. 

But no, I wan't to be different, I want to punch the hell out of someone or anyone and this is not me. My soul is mad. I am completely losing my mind. It all boils down to..............

Why does everyone I care for, never fails to disappoint me? when all I do is love them? Is it too much love or is was never enough? Is it because I am a practical choice? BTW I am fed up with the world "Practical". I hate it so much right now. 

The hardest thing of moving forward in this dilemma is to continuously choose kindness. To smile and pretend you do not know anything about any confrontation. To resist shouting and ignore judgement. To respond with positive comments instead of a mean jab and I end up praying. 







9/16/19

Song of the month and maybe for the last months of 2019

How Do You Sleep?
Sam Smith

I'm done hatin' myself for feelin'
I'm done cryin' myself awake
I've gotta leave and start the healin'
But when you move like that, I just want to stay
What have I become?
Lookin' through your phone now, oh, now
Love to you is just a game
Look what I've done
Dialing up the numbers on you
I don't want my heart to break
Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, how do you sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I'm hopin' that my love will keep you up tonight
Love will keep you up tonight
(Tell me how do you)
Oh no, how did I manage to lose me?
I am not this desperate, not this crazy
There's no way I'm stickin' 'round to find out
I won't
Source: LyricFind

9/8/19

A Time for Everything - Ecclesiastes 3:1-22

I thought of this Bible verse a week ago, I had this memorized when I was in grade school.
While each time and season may seem too random. The verse clearly shows everything we experience in life. 


There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
15 Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.[b]
16 And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
17 I said to myself,
“God will bring into judgment
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”
18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

Miggy Boy(Slinky) Part 2

And so the foster guy, whom we thought was gonna be your new daddy surrendered you into another foster rescue team, who apparently found your forever home. Our poor boy.

I hope all is well now, yesterday, we met the foster lady number 2 to surrender your documents. She said that she has been rescuing dogs and giving them to people who can take care of dogs. I don't want to get into details, but we are happy to send you off into a better family. Again til we meet again..... 

9/2/19

Miggy Boy(Slinky).

I am sorry, Miggy. My heart breaks while writing this entry.



For 2 days and 3 nights, it felt like forever. We really wanted a dog, so MJ and I decided to get one in DM. When I saw you I fell in love, you looked like my Pixie lab. But when I held you, I started to doubt and realize that you are meant for a villa not in our flat.

Day one, Thursday noon, we went directly to a pet shop to buy some gears for you, It wasn't that stressful because you started kissing, playing, you were very behaved and at the same time playful. I can imagine myself losing weight as I have to sacrifice and wake up and bring you to the park. Unfortunately, parks here in SHJ are not pet friendly, which is very weird.

We left you in our room for about 20 mins to eat lunch, MJ and I started to think of our plans to keep you with us on board, we knew there was something wrong, but we wanted you. We love you already. When we came back to the room, you were sitting silently, and quiet. How handsome!

But we had to leave for Westlife concert in the evening, I started to have anxiety for leaving you as our room wasn't doggie proofed yet, meaning you still can reach anything to chew on. I messaged Mom when we were in Coca-Cola arena, unfortunately, no response, I thought she was still sleeping, still j

However when we came, the room was chaos, but you looked so kind and cute. Hamper was messed up, you chewed my earphones and dslr camera remote, you chewed your MJ's notebook, my office laptop was lying on the floor. We slept, around 2AM. doggie proofing everything, putting all things on top of our shelves and cabinet. Covering the shoe rack.

We started keeping things beyond your reach, we were breathing patience, you peed and pooped on our floor. I saw MJ worked so hard on chores, mopping and wiping. She was very patient  with you Miggy. I was so tired, I slapped with a slipper on your nose to keep quiet, I felt guilty, but it was effective you stopped barking, we can't make you bark and make noise inside, people will take you away from us. I am sorry handsome.

The next morning, you were so cute, waking us up by 7am... You peed again, we doze and snoozed until 10am. This time you poop, it was smelly, it was froyo like, we can't ignore it this time. We started cleaning and feeding you, we started looking for videos to stop you from making a dirt inside the house. We played ball, fetch was so boring for you we cannot make your energy low, you're too hyper, we just wanted sleep. We decided to make you poop in the staircase, and btw I cleaned the stair case. It was tiring but were good to go.

Then we had naps, you were on my leg, my head was aching due to lack of sleep, I'm sure MJ was having a hard time too, because we haven't eaten anything yet, we tried to eat inside the room for brunch, but you wanted a bite, so we went outside instead. there is no way we can eat in front of you.

Then we started to play again, I saw MJ relentlessly tired but fighting. We had to leave again for a house party, but before leaving you we went to the pet store to buy a cage. I felt tired. Went back and voila the dirt was back. We went to the pet store the next morning to but you a mouth strap, whatever you call it, I feel double guilt, because it refrains you from barking and it worked for a while.

On the evening, MJ cried and agreed to give up on you. I saw MJ trying to fight it, but she knew we had to let him go, it is not fair to have him stay with us.

We met his new Daddy in ENOC near MCC. He was very excited and he seemed dog friendly.
I broke down. Inside the car. We will try to get you back Miggy Boy...