My head hurts.

My head throbs, it overheats at the moment. I think of the things that could happen before it happens. I like to plan ahead. 

But lately I have been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like I am holding and believing what I know that I deserve. I am blinded by the fact that I have been anticipating a dead end and I have been anxious watching it play out. Hoping and praying for a miracle. I try to contain the fact that I am just waiting for another cycle, looking at my screen, frustrated, breaking, missing, forgiving someone who always let me down. I am tired of caring consistently, mainly because I am tired of expecting and staying up at night as thoughts like this consume me and I can't sleep, my head is pulsating. I feel lonely now. I need somebody to love and hold. But I can't get what I want. And I want it all. I distract myself, again and again. I am only human. Such a selfish human. 

Tempting

I hated going to the dentist. I always felt bankrupt. I always feel that dental care is an unwanted expenditure. But today, was different. Since my insurance doesn't cover dental care, I woke up 6am to be able to get a morning slot in a dental hospital school which you only get to pay 50AED for dental services. This is amazing!

I was waiting to get a morning slot so I can report to work in the afternoon, however I wasn't able to get a morning slot since, there were more people who went earlier than me. Imagine the anxiety of long wait and you being scared to death if you are going to get a root canal.

Around 1:30PM there was this dentist, she welcomed me warmly. She joked and said, was your full name pronounced correctly? I said, yeah. But you may call me July like the month. She was wearing blue contact lenses and spectacles. Her english was perfect. I assume she is Jordanian or Palestenian who was born and raised in UK. IDK. Jeez I could've asked. As we enter a room filled with dental chairs, a couple of doctors and interns. I sat down into her dental chair, whiter than white.

She asked me tons of questions, do you have any records of diseases? allergies? Injections? are you afraid of dentists? I said 8 out of 10, yes, I am afraid of dentists. She said she was afraid as well and she knew she's a dentist too. And the only question I really wanted to hear from her was. What is your number July? :) wink***

I was doubting if she is feeling the same way about me. Wishing hoping she might want to hang out. gaaahd. I tried not to get distracted. While she checked my teeth, my mouth wide-opened and I was trembling a little.

With good intentions, maybe within a few seconds, my good-looking doctor has transformed into pretty lady with a drill in her hands. Again I tried not to breathe hard as she might smell something bad. She says, your teeth are clean. My head goes, why did my tooth filling fell. LOL. This is faith, I am falling. Maybe it is faith that brought us to meet. LOL. Damn it. She again stares at me, I tried to be still as possible, by gripping the arms of the chair. 

"let me know if it hurts"

It doesn't hurt a thing baby. After a few minutes, she told me to use the saliva sucker(idk whats the name of that equipment) like a straw, so there goes my saliva. Flowing. Again she starts to drill and I tried not to stare into his eyes- mesmerizing, deep, so serious, she doesn't have any pimples. Oh, those spectacles looks good on her. 

That dentist has seen my teeth,maybe she saw millions of teeth already and it’s hardly a romantic moment I thought. She was so near my forehead she can almost kiss me. One wrong move and she might drill a hole on my cheek. Still, I stayed, undeterred. As soon as she was done, I tried to gain composition by asking her number. I stared at her, again and again. I felt there was a weird electrifying shindig there. Again my brain goes, ask for her number. Hi Dr Aisha is it possible to see you in a non professional meeting? Say it.. Just say it!

I thanked her, she was so charming, great. I DIDN'T GET HER NUMBER. HUHU. And now I am blogging it. I mean, really. Do you want to go to dinner or coffee date, who half-way through a meal,looks deep into your eyes as you chew, and says ”Babe, spit please, open your mouth wider?" Damn. Was that even sexy? LOL. Nasty. I am not single. But it was tempting. Seriously tempting.