People say, that when one door closes, another opens. This is what I am feeling right now, blessings are pouring over, me once I finally let go and forgive some parts of me that have been dragging.
But there is only one door that I haven't entirely walked away from, and that's not because I still have feelings for her nor do I still want her.
Every night, I STILL get to think of how hurtful she was. I prayed every day and night. Just to get over all the painful abuse, trauma, and depression she gave me. Oh, how I hate how much I was controlled, manipulated, and cheated. It has been 2 years of trying to forgive her. It has been an emotional ride, forgiving myself and trying to let go of all the things that made me love her, and things that made me hate her.
I still have it in me, the anger in me. I still have the fire in me to tell her. Sometimes I imagine shouting at her. Telling her how monstrous she was. How?
"How could you break someone like me who only knew how to love you? If I do forgive you, you're just gonna break my heart and I can no longer handle that! Friends? No way. Either way, I lose I can't love you and I cannot hate you because you keep ruining my life, you ruined my life! I just need to know nothing about you, I need to feel nothing for you. I needed to not care about you at all. I needed to learn how to do that. So stop connecting. You will never ever hear from me, back off please."
If ever you crossed my blog, know that I don't ever want you back. Stop acting like you never did anything wrong to me. Stop feeling guilty. Do not ever come back.
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