Pag Mahal Mo

wrote this last November 22 2019

ayoko ng showbiz, sa totoo lang, ayokong snasayang ang bawat minuto ng aking buhay para alamin ang istorya ng buhay nila. pero isang beses, nabulaslas niya bigla, sa bibig niya na mismo nanggaling.

hindi niya mapapalitan ang nakaraan niya.

nais kong magbigay ng saloobin at iparamdam sknya ang pait ng aking dnaramdam. ngunit pagod na ako at magsalita noong gabing iyon o magbigay ng opinion. paano mo nasasabi ang mga ganyan kung ikaw din naman ay makasarili?

nasabi ko na lamang sa aking sarili, sana nga, naramdaman niya ang hinagpis ko. hindi ko alam kung nag mamaang maangan siya. ang alam ko, pag mahal mo anjan pa din. hnd nasuko. gusto kong isipin na tunay pa rin ang kanyang nararamdaman kahit minsay inakala kong nasaakin ka nga ngunit ang puso moy sknya pa rin.

pinili kong manahimik. kasi mahal kita at gusto ko matapos na itong kahibangan na narramdaman ko. kahibangan nga ba ito o talagang mapaglaro ang tadhana, bakit hindi matapos tapos ang linya ng kapalaran niyo.

ayoko na isipin. pero nakakagalit nga naman buklatin ang nakaraan.

pakyu ka tlg justine beeber.

I was upset, and It was petty serious.

To be honest it was too petty, but I just felt to express the real me. I haven't entertained this attitude for quite some time. But I was totally upset last night. When I am upset I become uncommunicative, and I want to be alone. I don't want to argue, I tend to be cold, distant and tense until I no longer feel pain. 

5th of JULY

Since Mom died, I promised myself not to entertain negative thoughts. I do not even have time to think of all the people who did me wrong. But today being the over emotional person that I am right now. I was really hoping and still imagining myself to walk out of the hospital with my ever smiling Mom in good health and fully recovered from covid19. Then we would go out and eat shabu-shabu or kfc as promised.  

May 24, 2020, I received a dreadful call by 4:19AM. Doctor told me she had her 3^rd cardiac arrest and died at 4:10Am, she didn’t make it. Tears started falling, I heard my sister cried on the other line as we were on a three-way call. I felt an arrow punctured my heart hearing my sister cry and I was  trying to absorb that my mom didn’t make it. 

Thousand things ran in my mind, of all people, why my Mom. There are a lot of bullshits out there, 

I didn’t get to hug her when she was struggling inside that hospital. We didn’t get to hold her hand when she was in pain. Our family is hurting. I am hurting so bad as I was the one who decided to bring her to the hospital when I saw her panting & struggling to breathe. Nobody said it was this harsh. I thought it was just a one-week isolation. She can make it; I knew she can. 

I want to pin point at someone, someone should be liable for this madness. Whoever started this Covid19 bullshit?? I ask the Lord, politely, how come God? My mom was about to retire, she was about to live her life with her grandchildren and travel with my sister and dad. My mom was just in her room. I barely make any contact with her. But why my mom? I am so pissed with myself and the universe. Everyone loved my mom.

I try to raise it all to the lord. All the pain and guilt. I ask for God for strength and forgiveness while I questioned all his plans. God please, can you explain this, God what was the reason for this please? Knowing that the most loving person in my life was taken from me. I couldn't stop blaming myself. This is all my fault. I could’ve done better, rather than calling the ambulance. It all boils down to me. Now people kept on asking me. What happened July? Paano niya nakuha yon?

I wanted to say putang ina naman, hindi ko alam, satingen niyo mababalik ko pa si mommy sa ganyang tanong? Is that a proper question? I was positive too, I did my best.  But I kept on saying, I do not feel comfortable with that question.

I sincerely hope none of you have to go through this bad situation with a loved one. I advise you make the most with your parents, make time and make peace with them as Losing a parent is indeed the most painful thing one has ever have to experience. Losing an ex lover is nothing but compared to a painful cracked ingrown nail. 

Losing my Mom in this situation is like losing my own heart.  Next time you wonder if it's really that important to wear a mask and gloves when you're in public remember that it is not just your health that you need to be considerate of. I am sharing my story in hopes that it encourage others to be very careful and take care of themselves and their loved ones. By far this is the most painful entry I've had to do. 

And again my only wish for my birthday is a reset button for 2020. I hope somebody can tell me that this is all a dream, that this is just a prank, a very bad prank. I love you mom, everyday, it sucks to lose you at this time.